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9 out of 10 people found the following review useful:
Nosedives below a low, low line, 27 December 2003
1/10
Author: (plantostickthat@hotmail.com) from Canberra, Australia

I always thought that there was a line which filmmakers would not go below, as far as 'star power' movies go. Movies which rely on the fame of their lead actor/role as the main drawcard are rarely any good, but I always thought that there was a certain level of competence to them all. I've seen Vanilla Ice spout 'drop dat zero and get wit da hero' in 'Cool as Ice', and it was not pretty. I've seen Britney Spears recite poetry from her personal book in Crossroads, and that was not good either. And I've seen Hulk Hogan dressing up in a ballerina costume for 'Mr. Nanny' and that needs no comment. But all of these movies managed to maintain a certain level of competence. Granted, it was not a high one, but it was still there. And Da hip hop witch was the first movie I've ever seen which stooped below that line.

To try to give an outline of this movie (movie is a loose term as there is no story), it's necessary to first try to understand how it came about, otherwise an explanation of this mess of scenes would be incomprehensible. I can see numerous ways, but the most likely is that the director/writer is a friend of eminem, and came up with the idea of the hip hop witch as a take off. He probably took up a few minutes of eminem's time, and got him to speak about some hip hop witch, and then I'm guessing the idea grew from there, and he asked various rappers to comment on it. After a while he would have had a good 30 minutes of comments by rappers, some very famous, about the 'hip hop witch', and he figured that knocking together some half plot and releasing the 'star studded' film would mean instant success. This is only an hypothesis, but would explain what we have here.

And what do we have here? The answer is.A complete mess. We have eminem who is obviously improvising his entire speech, the thing would probably go on for a good 20 minutes and he continues to repeat his lines as he thinks of the next thing to say, changing his story as he goes along. The other rappers are no better, for people who are or were 'scared to death by the witch' they seem to find the whole thing remarkably funny, they laugh while describing their 'horrible near death experiences'. Most of the rappers feature fleetingly, ja rule would only be on screen for 30 seconds but is credited as the second lead actor, which was obviously for the 'star power' motive.

And then we have the other part of the movie, which fills it in making it a 'releasable' 80 minutes. We have the 5 kids who hear about the witch and go to jersey (I think) to hunt her down, we have a reporter who wants to dig up information about the hip hop witch, and we have the record producer who is secretly faking the whole hip hop witch thing while noone realises. These characters are all arbitrary and serve only to fill in time, we are treated to a long and pointless scene where the reporter argues about a promotion, another scene where she hides papers in the photocopy room, and then these groups start interacting to waste even more time. Then, we are informed the 'street don' has been killed, which I'm sure is terrible news, but it would be sadder if we knew who he was. This time wasting continues in this roundabout fashion which I find probably the most frustrating aspect of any movie, especially in an era when most filmmakers are unable to shorten their films below 2 hours. Just about the only interaction we do not see is anyone mentioned in this paragraph with any of the rappers. We see a reporter standing outside a door, saying 'we are outside shady studios, where eminem has locked himself inside for fear of the witch, allowing in only our cameraman', which just goes to show that he had no interest in making a good film or spending any time shooting. The rest of the rappers are exactly the same, only ever seen on camera giving conflicting evidence, never seen talking to anyone. This just further goes towards proving the hypothesis.

But the hypothesis really doesn't matter. What matters is that this is a terrible movie. The camerawork is awful, perhaps as they were aiming to imitate the blair witch project, but in that movie the camerawork was believably bad, in this the cameramen run circles and do gymnastics around the target, seemingly aiming to induce migrains. The acting is bad by the 'cast' and unspeakable by the rappers, who obviously do not care at all. The plot is non existent, the dialogue terrible, basically any aspect of filmmaking here either does not exist or is so bad it's not worth mentioning. One does begin to feel sorry for eminem as one can see that he was just joking during his 'performance', and had no idea that it would end up in this form. It's the nerve of whoever released this that really disgusts me, stooping to a level so low to make money based on eminem's face. Watching this film just really feels wrong, like it is so bad that it never should have been released. I do hope, and pray that nothing this bad will ever be made again, and can only recommend that noone waste their time on this plotless rubbish, unless they want to see a group of rappers improvising a string of 4 letter words. Disgraceful.

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9 out of 12 people found the following review useful:
My brain hurts, 3 April 2003
1/10
Author: J. Wehler from Dallas, TX

After watching this 'movie,' my brain hurts. If you attempt to watch it, you're taking your sanity into your own hands. It was shot on video, probably with a Sears beta-max recorder bought at a garage sale. It was 'edited' as if someone put the footage into a blender. It has ad-libbed 'performances,' including Eminem saying over and over again about how the witch putting her finger in his a$$, and Vanilla Ice looking like he wishes he could get cast in another Ninja Turtles movie. And yes, that IS Vanilla Ice. How's THAT for street cred? And it JUST WON'T END!!! It keeps going ON and ON and ON!!!!!

I had to watch this for my job, and I am seeking hazard pay from my employers. This could possibly be the worst film I've ever seen, and yes, I have seen Powder AND The Crow: City of Angels. I would've given this the rating it deserved, but IMDB won't let you give a 0.01 out of 10.

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5 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Worst movie ever., 30 July 2003
1/10
Author: CokeCola from US

I've seen Manos: The Hands of Fate, and this movie has managed to defeat it in terms of sheer level of torture. The movie has no interesting dialog, no tolerable acting, and no plot to speak of.

On the upside, it does have a great many R&B artists. On the downside, seeing this movie will likely void any respect you had for them as they mindlessly ramble off about an urban Blair Witch parody. Eminem is entertaining (though redundant), so fans might want fast forward to his segments, should they find the movie lying in a gutter somewhere (a likely situation).

If there were a brick near my entertainment center, I would have attempted to beat myself into a coma to escape the grueling pain. I would award this movie 0 stars if it were an option, but instead this gets a very reluctant 1. Watch only if want a small personal hell in your living room.

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7 out of 11 people found the following review useful:
It Leaps from the TV and Kills Your Soul, 24 June 2004
1/10
Author: georgebobolink from Denver, CO

Da Hip Hop Witch is quite an achievement in modern film making. Not only was it *not* released by New Concorde, it manages to make every movie I've ever seen that much better. You know how it is. You'll find yourself watching a crappy German movie with a dog taking a crap on a boat while some orchestral score rises in the background, and you'll turn to your friend, chuckle, and say, "Hey, at least it ain't Da Hip Hop Witch!"

I remember liking Vanilla Ice at one point. His goofy haircut, his sincere devotion to being on the streets... no more. He produced this movie. He is the core of this thing's existence. If ever there is a tribunal for crimes against humanity relating to film production, he should be the prime suspect.

As a side note, immediately after viewing, which killed every sense of joy I'd ever experienced in my life, I took the tape out of the VCR, opened the cover, and cut it. I suggest you cut the tape as a first step if you really want to see the best this movie has to offer.

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3 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
The Worst Movie Ever?, 1 January 2001
1/10
Author: bumstead-killah (bumstead-killah@att.net) from Bensalem, PA

Da Hip Hop Witch may just be the single worst movie in history. This movie doesn't have even one person who can act in the least. I have been a fan of hip-hop since I was 10 years old & I'm a fan of many of the artists in this movie but after this I won't ever look at them in the same way again. The camera work sucked, the sound sucked, the story sucked, the editing sucked, the acting sucked and most of all this movie sucked.

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2 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Crap - Pure and simple..., 21 October 2002
Author: ex18bravo from Da Hood

I was forced to watch this by a friend after loosing a bet. The whole time I was thinking - please Lord take me home.... A brain haemorrhage would be a welcome escape - but no, we watched the entire film. The only reason to watch this crap is if you actually like the music being blasted out of the souped up honda civic ( you know the one - lime green with neon lights, 17" wheels, and tinted windows ) that cruises the mall parking lot on Friday night...

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Worse than you can imagine..., 21 May 2008
1/10
Author: whammy666 from United States

Clearly, this is one of the worst films ever made. I remember seeing the trailer, and thinking it looked funny. I'd wanted to see it for years. Weeks ago, I found the DVD at Price Chopper for 3 bucks. I decided to get it, and wish I hadn't. This has the most lame attempts at humor I have ever seen. And the f bomb is dropped abut 30 times each minute. The plot is non existent...there is no plat. Most of the film is just annoying rappers talking about their encounters with Da Hip Hop Witch. Eminem is in it, and I hear that he wanted to have copies of this movie erased after he actually became famous. Not sure if it is true, but it wouldn't surprise me. This movie is totally painful. I hated it. I regret buying it, and I regret it deeply. I know this movie looks kind of funny, and me saying it is so bad will want to make you see it more...but it's not worth it. Trust me.

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1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Pretty much the worst movie I've seen... Wait! I lied. It IS the worst..., 23 December 2005
1/10
Author: Ogrrr from Sweden

I'm sorry, but this was truly bad. Any movie has some merits, either it's a bit artsy, with nice angles and colors and characters, or it's so bad it's funny (read Schwarzeneggers movies), or it's a touching story, or it's at least something. This movie was really nothing. It's pretty much the worst movie I've ever seen. No, wait! I lied. It IS the worst movie I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of bad movies.

Stay away from this, unless your prepared for something spectacularly bad, so bad it ain't even funny anymore.

I have to admit, the names got me kinda excited before I saw it, and the idea seemed fun. But don't let that fool you!

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1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Great Musicians - Horrible Movie, 3 October 2003
1/10
Author: mw-dnb (ryan@mw-dnb.com) from St. Louis, United States

I actually own this film on VHS. Purchased it out of the blue for $9.99 at blockbuster. I should have used that $9.99 on gas and a chicken biscuit from the gas station.

The movie starts off with all the great things to make a horrible movie. Lame charecters who try and act like they are part of a sub-genre of life. The raver being the best. Pink Hair? Hello pink hair is something ravers who rub vicks on their face wear. Then they move into the 'hip-hop' witch and discovering 'who's behind it'. It turns out that some rap label or promoter is 'secretly' creating media stir to sell more copys of his artists. (That is the only thing in this movie that is close to reality.)

The only actor that remotely did a good job was the lady acting as the office clerk/reporter. It's sad she had to waste her time on such a crappy film. Eminem is in this movie, not with the 5 'white' kids - who take note - steal a Ford Mustang and don't get caught - with 5 of them riding in it. Eminem - outside of his crappy music, is an even crappier actor. 8 mile got attention cause he gets to act like a real rapper. That aside - unless your some fanboy of eminem, mobb deep, killa priest or any of the other people in this movie - don't rent it, DON'T BUY IT, and most of all don't read about it!

Beware the hip-hop witch could cause death - death by boredom.

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1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
do you care who iz da hip hop witch?, 12 January 2003
1/10
Author: mackers0 from urbana IL

Easily the worst movie I've ever seen. This barely-there Blair Witch parody involves (1) a gruesome "hip hop witch" who scares rappers like Eminem, Vanilla Ice, and Pras, and lesser-knowns like Youngbloodz, (2) multi-platinum record sales for these same rappers (yes, apparently, even now the Youngbloodz have sold 4 million), and (3) a snoopy woman who works for some kind of magazine who suspects there is more to this "story" than meets the eye. Watching this movie is like watching a video on BET Uncut. You can't stop laughing, and it starts to hurt your eyes because the camera guy can't hold steady. I need to also mention the 5 freakish white kids (a stoner, a raver girl, a jock, and 2 idiots) who go off in search of this witch. Worse yet -- the witch lives in Jersey! Way to represent! And if that isn't enough, when the final scene reveals exact who or what da witch is, you will throw up out of disgust. Honestly, I don't know whether to recommend Da Hip Hop Witch because it is one of the worst ever made and you should see it for that reason alone, or if you're just a hip-hop fan and you're curious about the acting skills of all of the above and then some. I mean, does anyone else rememember Cool As Ice?

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