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Star Trek: Enterprise (TV Series 2001–2005) Poster

(2001–2005)

Quotes

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: [the final lines in the show] Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission...

Captain James T. Kirk: ...to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations...

Captain Archer: ...to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Captain Archer: Take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it with your repressed emotions.

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Captain Archer: Am I sensing concern? Last I checked, that was considered an emotion.

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[about phase pistols]

Lt. Reed: They have two settings: stun and kill... It'd be best not to confuse them.

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Commander Tucker: [after being cursed at by a Klingon and not understanding him] Well I don't particularly like the way YOU smell, either.

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Captain Archer: [after using a "phase pistol" for the first time] Well, I guess stun works.

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Captain Archer: What's the matter? No genetic tricks to keep you from getting knocked on your butt?

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[Eating a piece of cheese while talking to his dog, Porthos]

Captain Archer: You know that you and cheddar don't get along.

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Commander Tucker: You aren't saying much tonight. Don't tell me you're still upset about me and Amanda.

Subcommander T'Pol: I'm not upset.

Commander Tucker: Sure sounds like it.

Subcommander T'Pol: You're mistaken.

Commander Tucker: Why would a few neuropressure sessions between me and a MACO be such a big deal. Unless...

Subcommander T'Pol: Unless what?

Commander Tucker: Unless you're a little jealous.

Subcommander T'Pol: I don't experience jealousy.

Commander Tucker: You're doing a pretty fair imitation of it.

Subcommander T'Pol: I am not, in any way, jealous of you and Corporal Cole.

Commander Tucker: You know, your voice is tensing up. That's a dead giveaway.

Subcommander T'Pol: I didn't know you were an expert in vocal inflections.

Commander Tucker: I don't need to be an expert to read you. Come on, admit it. You're a little jealous.

Subcommander T'Pol: Are you implying that I'm attracted to you?

Commander Tucker: That kind of goes along with the assumption, doesn't it?

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Subcommander T'Pol: Is there something else?

Commander Tucker: You and Trip used to spend a lot of time here together.

Subcommander T'Pol: I was instructing him in the practice of Vulcan neuropressure.

Commander Tucker: I remember. We were lying right there

[points to floor]

Commander Tucker: working the neural nodes on each other's feet, talking about the warp engines. How I was hoping to modify them.

Subcommander T'Pol: How Commander Tucker was hoping to modify them.

Commander Tucker: [dejected] Right, Commander Tucker.

[pause]

Commander Tucker: You know, he was really starting to enjoy those sessions with you.

Subcommander T'Pol: They were helping him sleep.

Commander Tucker: [voice getting quieter] I'm not sure that's the only reason.

Subcommander T'Pol: What do you mean?

Commander Tucker: Was there ever anything between you and Trip?

Subcommander T'Pol: If you are referring to a romantic relationship... no.

Commander Tucker: The reason I ask is... well... you're all I think about, if you know what I mean. And, I'm not talking about an adolescent crush. That was... well, that was two days ago. This is much more serious, the way I feel about you. Anyway, what's driving me crazy is, I don't know if these feelings are mine... or his.

Subcommander T'Pol: [voice cracking] I can't answer that.

Commander Tucker: I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.

Subcommander T'Pol: I'm not uncomfortable.

Commander Tucker: I just thought I should tell you this, while I still had the chance.

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Subcommander T'Pol: May I come in?

[Sim nods OK]

Subcommander T'Pol: I just wanted to say how much your absence will affect the crew... how much it will affect me.

Commander Tucker: I appreciate that. All in all, I guess I've a pretty good life...

[T'Pol steps forward and gives him a short but sweet kiss]

Commander Tucker: I couldn't have asked for a better going away present.

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Subcommander T'Pol: I think you're mistaken about who's attracted to whom.

Commander Tucker: Are you saying I'm attracted to you?

Subcommander T'Pol: I don't need to say it, you already have.

Commander Tucker: I don't remember that conversation.

Subcommander T'Pol: It wasn't you, it was your clone, Sim told me.

Commander Tucker: Sim?

Subcommander T'Pol: He said he had feelings for me.

Commander Tucker: He told you that?

Subcommander T'Pol: [nodding towards the spot where Sim had stood] Standing right there.

Commander Tucker: What the hell was he doing in your room?

Subcommander T'Pol: Your voice is tensing up.

Commander Tucker: Now you're the vocal expert?

Subcommander T'Pol: I don't need to be an expert to read you.

Commander Tucker: I can't believe this. I'm... I'm jealous of... myself?

Subcommander T'Pol: You're jealous?

Commander Tucker: No. Absolutely not. Okay, maybe, maybe I am a little.

Subcommander T'Pol: Which would mean you're attracted to me.

[Trip gives her a look]

Subcommander T'Pol: It goes with the assumption.

Commander Tucker: What just happened here? Did we? Are we?

[T'Pol leans in and kisses Trip strongly]

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Subcommander T'Pol: [to a Orion slave owner trying to recapture her] I'm not for sale!

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[the Andorian Lieutenant Talas is helping Lt. Reed with fixing Enterprise]

Lieutenant Talas: For what it's worth, Lieutenant, I'm not here to steal your secrets. It would hardly be worth the effort.

Lt. Reed: I beg your pardon?

Lieutenant Talas: Last time I saw weapons like these was during my early tactical training.

Lt. Reed: [sarcastically] Sorry I wasted your time on our primitive systems.

Lieutenant Talas: Not at all. I found it nostalgic.

[Reed sneers indignantly]

Lieutenant Talas: Just be careful when you reconnect that to your power grid. You didn't reset the EPS synchroniser. You may singe your eyebrows when you bring it back online.

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Lt. Reed: All we have left is to reset the emitters.

Lieutenant Talas: What's the frequency?

Lt. Reed: I'll do it.

Lieutenant Talas: You don't trust me.

Lt. Reed: No offence, but when it comes to our weapons frequencies, I wouldn't trust my own mother.

Lieutenant Talas: Is your mother considered a security risk?

Lt. Reed: It's just an expression.

Lieutenant Talas: An odd one. My mother's security clearance is higher than mine.

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Commander Dolum: You don't want to know my specialty!

Captain Archer: Let me guess... stinking up the room?

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Travis Mayweather: [after receiving a message in an Insectoid language] Doesn't exactly sound like "Welcome to the neighbourhood".

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Subcommander T'Pol: The Captain's behavior is becoming increasingly illogical, even for a human.

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Commander Dolum: I had no idea that humans were so resilient. It's not a trait found in most primate species.

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Jannar: Someone once said that dealing with Reptilians is like bargaining with the sun. You make no progress, and you come away burned.

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[Archer is being interrogated violently by a Reptilian]

Captain Archer: I'll bet you didn't know this, but at one time, most of my world was ruled by reptiles.

Commander Dolum: I wasn't aware of that.

Captain Archer: A comet hit around 65 million years ago caused a mass extinction. Most of the reptiles died out. Mammals became the dominant species.

Commander Dolum: How unfortunate.

Captain Archer: Still, the reptiles might have come out on top, if it hadn't been for a slight disadvantage.

Commander Dolum: And what was that?

Captain Archer: They had brains the size of a walnut. That's very small. Apparently, it's a constant in the universe.

Commander Dolum: [resisting the urge to strangle Archer] Earth vessels... how many?

Captain Archer: The reptiles didn't all die out. Some evolved into snakes, alligators, turtles. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite restaurants in San Francisco makes the most wonderful turtle soup. You should try it sometimes if you're ever in the area.

Commander Dolum: [putting his hand to Archer's throat] You want me to kill you?

Captain Archer: Just making conversation.

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Commander Tucker: [about flying the alien vessel] How difficult can it be? Up, down, forward, reverse. I'll figure it out.

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Commander Tucker: [to a Klingon] You tell 'em, big guy.

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Ensign Hoshi Sato: Maybe it's a log. What do you think?

Commander Tucker: Beats me. Could be a laundry list... or instructions on how to conquer the universe?

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Commander Tucker: Where did you put the phase pistols?

Lt. Reed: You're going to shoot a bug?

Commander Tucker: I'm just going to stun it.

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Dr. Phlox: Tell me, did your visit to the Xyrillian ship involve any... uh... romance?

Commander Tucker: What?

Dr. Phlox: Were you intimate with anyone?

Commander Tucker: Doc, I was over there to repair a warp reactor. What are you talking about?

Dr. Phlox: Seems you did a little more than repair work.

Commander Tucker: Meaning?

Dr. Phlox: This is a nipple.

Commander Tucker: I beg your pardon?

Dr. Phlox: Ah, ah, the blastocyst is located between the sixth and seventh intercostals.

Commander Tucker: What the hell are you talking about?

Dr. Phlox: I'm not quite sure congratulations are in order, Commander, but you're pregnant.

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Subcommander T'Pol: I've run a check through the Starfleet database. You might be pleased to know that this is the first recorded incident of a human male becoming pregnant.

Commander Tucker: Just how I always wanted to get into the history books.

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Commander Tucker: Someone hasn't been taking very good care of my engines.

Subcommander T'Pol: Speak with the Klingons.

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Lt. Reed: What do you think of T'Pol, hmm? Do you think she's pretty?

Commander Tucker: T'Pol? Are you serious?

Lt. Reed: Well, she is a woman you know. I think she's pretty.

Commander Tucker: You've had too much to drink.

Lt. Reed: Don't tell me you've never noticed her, you know, in that way.

Commander Tucker: Nah, she's a Vulcan.

Lt. Reed: I think she's pretty.

Commander Tucker: Oh, God.

Lt. Reed: You ever noticed her bum?

Commander Tucker: What?

Lt. Reed: Her bum. She's got an awfully nice bum.

Commander Tucker: [toasts] To Subcommander T'Pol.

Lt. Reed: Awfully nice.

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Commander Tucker: I'm gonna have to put you up on report.

Lt. Reed: I saved your life.

Commander Tucker: You disobeyed a direct order.

Lt. Reed: If you put that in my file, it will be years before I am up for a pro...

[notices Trip is laughing]

Lt. Reed: You're pulling my leg.

Commander Tucker: [can't stop laughing] Malcolm, you're just so easy.

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Commander Tucker: A single ship on a dark planet? Maybe they're on their honeymoon.

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Vulcan Captain: Captain Archer?

Commander Tucker: Yes?

[long pause]

Commander Tucker: Is there a problem?

Vulcan Captain: You seem very young for a Starfleet captain.

Commander Tucker: Healthy living. You have a message from Admiral Forrest?

Vulcan Captain: I'm not certain what this means but Admiral Forrest asked me to inform you that "Cal beat Stanford seven to three."

Commander Tucker: I'll be sure to tell him.

Vulcan Captain: Tell who?

Commander Tucker: I'm afraid it's confidential. Thank you for relaying the message. Archer out.

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Travis Mayweather: [Trip slips on some loose rocks] Commander, are you all right?

Commander Tucker: Just testing the rope.

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Subcommander T'Pol: Commander, are you feeling alright?

Commander Tucker: People are gossiping T'Pol. Malcolm thinks we are doing more than neural pressure.

Subcommander T'Pol: We are both senior officers. If we were pursuing a romantic relationship, it wouldn't be Lieutenant Reed's concern, would it?

Commander Tucker: I suppose not.

Subcommander T'Pol: Shall we continue?

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Commander Tucker: I'm getting punchy.

Dr. Phlox: Why aren't you getting together with T'Pol to get your neural nodes stimulated? Too intimate?

Commander Tucker: Nah, I don't have an hour a night to waste in T'Pol's quarters. Isn't there something else I could do.

Dr. Phlox: There is Alderberan mud leeches.

Commander Tucker: What the hell am I supposed to do with those?

Dr. Phlox: Place one on your chest and one on your abdomen an hour before going to bed. Their secretions act as a natural sedative. Oh, uh, please be careful to sleep on your back. If you roll over, you might anger them.

Commander Tucker: Maybe an hour a night with T'pol isn't so bad.

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Lt. Reed: So what is happening between you and Amanda?

Commander Tucker: We are just friends. Is everyone on this ship watching us?

Lt. Reed: You're hard to miss.

Commander Tucker: That's what T'Pol said.

Lt. Reed: Is it true that she's giving Amanda neuropressure now? I heard it was damage control from your tender touch.

Commander Tucker: T'Pol's just smoothing out some of the rough spots.

[very clipped voice]

Commander Tucker: That's all.

Lt. Reed: Why were you giving Amanda Cole neuropressure anyway?

Commander Tucker: [very defensive] What's it to you?

Lt. Reed: Well, from what I've been told it's a pretty intimate procedure. Sure you're just friends?

Commander Tucker: I do it with T'Pol. Are you implying that there is something going on there, as well?

Lt. Reed: That's the rumor.

Commander Tucker: For the last time, there is nothing going on with any of us. Between any of us.

Lt. Reed: Right. Just friends?

Commander Tucker: That's right.

Lt. Reed: I guess this Vulcan neuropressure isn't that intimate after all.

Commander Tucker: Exactly.

Lt. Reed: In that case, I've got this nasty little pain...

Commander Tucker: [voice very clipped] Just drop it.

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Commander Tucker: [Commander Tucker is having trouble with the computer at an alien repair station] Where can someone go to file a grievance around here?

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Commander Tucker: Have you talked to Lorian yet? He's a good kid, maybe you should get to know him.

Subcommander T'Pol: No, I haven't and he is not a kid, he's over 100 years old.

Commander Tucker: [laughs] Only in the expanse could I have a kid three times my age. Who would have thought, you and me, huh? Lorian says we're going to be married in a traditional Vulcan ceremony. It's gonna take me weeks to learn to pronounce the vows. You know where we are going to have our honeymoon? Cargo Bay Three! He says, "I'll fill it up with sand that we dug up from a passing asteroid". I'm even supposed to,

[laughs]

Commander Tucker: manufacture a palm tree.

Subcommander T'Pol: It's ridiculous to assume that those events are going to happen. Hand me the flux coupler.

Commander Tucker: Aren't you at all curious about how you and I are supposed to end up together?

Subcommander T'Pol: The fact that our counterparts marry doesn't mean we'll do the same.

Commander Tucker: You're afraid to admit that under the right circumstances, you could have feelings for me. Maybe you have them already.

Subcommander T'Pol: I should've known this was a mistake.

Commander Tucker: What?

Subcommander T'Pol: Exploring human sexuality with you. You're obviously unable to have a physical relaionship without developing an emotional attachment.

Commander Tucker: You know, all the other women on board must have been taken, because I can't imagine any other reason why I would've married someone as stubborn as you.

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Subcommander T'Pol: What do you suggest I do?

Subcommander T'Pol: [old T'Pol] There's a human expression. "Follow your heart."

Subcommander T'Pol: What if my heart doesn't know what it wants?

Subcommander T'Pol: [old T'Pol] It will, in time, It will.

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Dr. Phlox: When was the last time you slept?

Commander Tucker: T'Pol tattling on me?

Dr. Phlox: She's worried about you.

Commander Tucker: I appreciate that, but I'm holding this ship together with spit and bailing wire.

Dr. Phlox: Six hours.

Commander Tucker: Two.

Dr. Phlox: Four.

Commander Tucker: Done. And remind me never to buy a car from you.

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Commander Tucker: Computer, begin recording. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, by the time you get this, Starfleet will have already told you about Jane. Since I worked so closely with her, I wanted to add my personal condolences. I have to admit, I've been putting off writing this for a while. I convinced myself that my duties on Enterprise took precedence. But the truth is I didn't want to face the fact that someone so young with so much promise could just be gone. But I'm facing it now. And I find myself thinking how important she was to me. She was a great engineer. And she was my friend. She won't be forgotten.

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Subcommander T'Pol: You've dismissed all my proposals.

Commander Tucker: When you come up with one which doesn't involve blowing ourselves up, I'll be a little more enthusiastic.

Subcommander T'Pol: You might surprise me with an idea of your own.

Commander Tucker: Maybe you haven't had time to meditate. I don't know. But whatever's going on with you lately, I've had enough. I'll work on this in Engineering. Call me if you have any more brilliant ideas.

[he turns to leave]

Subcommander T'Pol: Commander... Trip!

[he stops and comes back]

Subcommander T'Pol: Everything that's happened recently has caused me to become slightly emotional.

Commander Tucker: I've noticed.

Subcommander T'Pol: I apologize.

Commander Tucker: Forget about it.

Subcommander T'Pol: I wish I could. It may take some time for me to regain my control. It will be difficult for me to deal with, especially... on my own.

Commander Tucker: This hasn't been easy for any of us. You know how much I appreciate what you did for me. When this is over, I'm all ears. Why don't we take another crack at this?

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Commander Tucker: We should have heard something by now. What if they failed? Earth could be...

[T'pol puts a hand on his shoulder to calm him]

Subcommander T'Pol: Be patient.

Commander Tucker: [looks at her hand] My skin's healing faster than yours. I guess you Vulcans aren't so tough after all.

Subcommander T'Pol: Dr. Phlox says we should all be back to normal within two to three days.

Commander Tucker: I'm only kidding. You look nice like this, kind of like an old oil painting.

Subcommander T'Pol: I am not old. I will only be 66 years old on my next birthday.

Commander Tucker: I can't believe you told me that.

Subcommander T'Pol: You accused me of looking old!

Commander Tucker: That's not what I mean. I've been trying to get you to tell me your age since we left space dock. Why now?

Subcommander T'Pol: To Vulcans, certain information is considered... intimate.

Commander Tucker: Intimate? Hmm.

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T'Les: How long have you been romantically involved with my daughter?

[off, Trip surprised face]

T'Les: How long have you been attracted to her?

Commander Tucker: Since our first argument, I felt the chemistry between us. But, I had a feeling T'Pol wasn't going to mention it.

T'Les: She didn't. I'm her mother.

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Subcommander T'Pol: [explaining in Vulcan why Trip is with her] Commander Tucker is my colleague, he wanted to visit Vulcan.

T'Les: [in Vulcan] This is the first time you've brought a colleague home with you.

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T'Les: [on why T'Pol doesn't want to marry Koss] It's because of Commander Tucker, isn't it? He's the reason why you refuse to bond with Koss. Do you really believe that a human and a Vulcan can have a future together? Imagine the shame your children would endure, assuming the two you could have children.

Subcommander T'Pol: [angrily] That wouldn't be your concern.

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[about the transporter]

Lt. Reed: I don't think I'm quite ready to have my molecules compressed into a data stream.

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Captain Archer: I hope nobody's in a hurry to get back home... Starfleet seems to think we're ready to begin our mission.

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[to T'Pol]

Captain Archer: You have no idea how much I'm restraining myself from knocking you on your ass.

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Zefram Cochrane: On this site, a powerful engine will be built... an engine that will someday let us travel a hundred times faster than we can today. Imagine it. Thousands of inhabited planets at our fingertips. And we'll be able to explore those strange new worlds... and seek out new life and new civilizations. This engine will let us go boldly... where no man has gone before.

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[Porthos has run from the shuttlepod to some trees on an alien world]

Commander Tucker: Going where no dog has gone before.

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Vulcan Captain: [First Contact in the mirror universe] Live long and prosper.

[Zephram Cochrane pulls out a shotgun and shoots him]

Grizzled Human: Board their ship! Take everything you can!

[humans go running into the Vulcan scoutship to loot it]

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Zobral: I wouldn't be a good host if I allow my guests to be killed.

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Captain William T. Riker: [on Archer's ready room] The brig is bigger than this!

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[observing an unconscious Klingon pilot]

Admiral Leonard: He's a Kling-ot.

Tos: A Kling-on.

Captain Archer: Where'd he come from?

Commander Williams: Oklahoma.

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[on Archer's forthcoming first mission with the Enterprise]

Admiral Maxwell Forrest: Don't screw this up.

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Commander Tucker: I've heard the women on Draylax have...

Travis Mayweather: Three... it's true.

Commander Tucker: You know that first-hand?

Travis Mayweather: First-hand, second-hand, third-hand...

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Commander Tucker: Grandma taught me never to judge a species by their eating habits.

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Sarin: The Cabal doesn't make decisions on its own. They're simply soldiers... fighting a Temporal Cold War.

Captain Archer: Temporal? You've lost me.

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Dr. Phlox: Medically speaking, there's no accounting for taste.

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[after boarding a damaged Klingon ship and finding several Klingons unconscious on the bridge]

Ensign Hoshi Sato: Shouldn't we try to help them?

Subcommander T'Pol: They don't want our help.

Ensign Hoshi Sato: How do you know?

Subcommander T'Pol: They're Klingons.

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Commander Tucker: It can laugh all it wants, the galaxy's not getting any of our bourbon.

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[Mayweather has broken his leg on an alien planet and returned to the ship]

Subcommander T'Pol: Why didn't you let them finish treating you on the surface?

Travis Mayweather: Have you ever been to an alien hospital?

Subcommander T'Pol: Yes, in San Francisco.

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[Upon waking up bound in a basement on Risa]

Commander Tucker: You think this is my fault?

Lt. Reed: You were willing to follow two strange aliens into a basement.

Commander Tucker: Gorgeous aliens. Don't forget they were gorgeous.

Lt. Reed: They were male.

Commander Tucker: Not at first.

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Captain Archer: You're from 900 years in the future, and you need MY help?

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Dr. Phlox: It's unethical to harm a patient. However, I can inflict as much pain as I like.

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Commander Tucker: Malcolm's got this rule; you have to be taller than a gun to use it.

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[T'Pol answers one of the Captain's suggestions]

Subcommander T'Pol: Captain, this may surprise you, but I agree.

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[Tucker informs the Vulcans that Captain Archer and T'Pol have been kidnapped]

Vulcan Captain: How do you know this?

Commander Tucker: I don't know, maybe it was the ransom demand we just received.

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Subcommander T'Pol: How are your parents?

Commander Tucker: They're... fine. They moved into a new house in Mississippi. It's not like the old place in Panama City, but it's pretty nice. Why do you ask?

Subcommander T'Pol: You haven't spoken of them recently.

Commander Tucker: There hasn't been a lot of time to catch up.

Subcommander T'Pol: You also haven't joined us at the Captain's table since we left earth.

Commander Tucker: What are you trying to say?

Subcommander T'Pol: You've been avoiding me.

Commander Tucker: Well, maybe I have. You've got to admit it's a little awkward. You're married. I know you did it to help your mother, but it's going to take me a little while to adjust.

Subcommander T'Pol: I'm still adjusting to it myself.

Commander Tucker: This is going to sound strange, but as tough as it was watching you go through the ceremony, I was proud of you for what you did. I guess it's for the best.

Subcommander T'Pol: What do you mean?

Commander Tucker: Come on. It's not like we would have made the ideal couple... a Vulcan and a human? Romeo and Juliet probably stood a better chance.

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Commander Tucker: Well this isn't what I expected.

Subcommander T'Pol: Meaning?

Commander Tucker: Well it's beautiful.

Subcommander T'Pol: Vulcans appreciate beauty.

Commander Tucker: [Walks around her] Well you always were a snazzy dresser.

Subcommander T'Pol: Commander Tucker, I suggest...

[T'Pol's mother T'Les walks up behind them]

Subcommander T'Pol: Mother I didn't expect you home so early.

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Subcommander T'Pol: [about her marriage to Koss] Trip, I have to do this... for many reasons.

Commander Tucker: And how am I supposed to take this?

Subcommander T'Pol: I'm sorry.

Commander Tucker: You're sorry. You brought me 16 light years just to watch you get married to someone you barely know.

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T'Les: Have you informed T'Pol?

Commander Tucker: Informed her of what?

T'Les: You're in love with her.

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Commander Tucker: [seeing T'Pol in her brial gown] You look amazing.

Subcommander T'Pol: Thank you for coming.

Commander Tucker: Wouldn't have missed it for the world.

[He goes to leave, she stops him for a second to give him a kiss on the cheek and walks away]

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Dr. Arik Soong: Oh, Commander Tucker, I'm so sorry about the loss of your "Vulcan" friend.

Captain Archer: That's enough!

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Commander Tucker: You're supposed to be resting.

Subcommander T'Pol: Dr. Phlox says I can resume my duties this afternoon.

Commander Tucker: I'm glad they got that thing off with no problem.

Subcommander T'Pol: There's a slight ringing in my left ear, but it should dissipate over time.

Commander Tucker: Well, I'll let you get back to that.

[He turns to leave]

Subcommander T'Pol: Vulcans don't have honeymoons.

[He comes back]

Subcommander T'Pol: After the ceremony I went to Mt. Seleya to meditate

[clears throat]

Subcommander T'Pol: ... alone.

Commander Tucker: It's none of my business anyway.

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Dr. Arik Soong: [to T'Pol] Sorry about that business with the Orions, I hope you wern't permanently injured.

Commander Tucker: Why don't you stay focused on what you are doing.

Dr. Arik Soong: Ooh! Someone's a little protective of Commander T'Pol.

Commander Tucker: I just don't like you very much.

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Commander Tucker: I never got the impression you cared that much about humans. Seems like you were always finding something new to complain about.

Vulcan Ambassador Soval: I lived on Earth for more than 30 years, Commander. In that time I developed an affinity for your world and its people.

Commander Tucker: You did a pretty good job of hiding it.

Vulcan Ambassador Soval: Thank You.

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Commander Tucker: [to T'Pol as Sim] The thing is this is not just some highschool crush, that was two days ago. You're all I think about and what drives me crazy is I don't know if these are my feelings or his.

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Commander Tucker: You did all that... with a phase pistol?

Lt. Reed: You're good at building things. I'm good at blowing them up.

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Captain Archer: [Archer and T'Pol are being stalked by a large, ravenous Vulcan sehlat] How long before it starts to lose interest in us?

Subcommander T'Pol: Days, at least. They're very persistent creatures. When I was a child I had one as a pet.

Captain Archer: You had one of those?

Subcommander T'Pol: Domesticated. They're smaller... slightly.

Captain Archer: How slightly?

Subcommander T'Pol: You have Porthos.

[referring to Captain Archer's pet beagle]

Captain Archer: Porthos doesn't try and eat me when I'm late with his dinner.

Subcommander T'Pol: Vulcan children are *never* late with their sehlat's dinner.

Captain Archer: I can believe that.

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[they are on an alien vessel which is blowing up all around them]

Commander Tucker: You did all this with just a phase pistol?

Lt. Reed: You're good at building things, I'm good at blowing them up.

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[Shran, about to return to Andor, says goodbye to Archer]

Shran: Try to stay out of trouble, pink-skin.

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Captain Archer: You missed T'Pol's latest battle with chopsticks.

Commander Tucker: Darn. Dinner and a show.

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Subcommander T'Pol: The Earth cargo ship Fortunate. Y-class freighter. Maximum speed: warp one point eight. Crew complement: twenty-three.

Travis Mayweather: Not counting newborn babies.

Captain Archer: Ensign?

Travis Mayweather: I grew up on a J-class, a little smaller but the same basic design. And one thing I can tell you is that at warp one point eight, you've got a lot of time on your hands between ports. That's how my parents wound up with me.

Subcommander T'Pol: Do you have any helpful information on this vessel beyond its recreational activities?

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[Malcolm has just awoken from a fantasy about T'Pol]

Lt. Reed: What's that?

Commander Tucker: I got the receiver working but the transmitter's a lost cause. Who's Stinky?

Lt. Reed: I beg your pardon?

Commander Tucker: You were talking in your sleep. Kept calling for some guy named Stinky.

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Commander Tucker: I don't want to be responsible for giving the crew... the runs.

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Kaitaama: Is your entire species so ill mannered?

Commander Tucker: Nope. Just me.

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[Malcolm mentions he is going to reread Ulysses]

Commander Tucker: I'd rather realign every microcircuit on this shuttle than try to read through that baby.

Lt. Reed: British schools have a core curriculum. It serves to provide a well-rounded education. Sometimes I think you North Americans read nothing but comic books and those ridiculous science fiction novels.

Commander Tucker: I'll have you know that Superman was laced with metaphor. Subtext layered on subtext.

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Captain Archer: I believe someone once defined a compromise as a solution that neither side is happy with.

Shran: In that case, these talks have been extremely successful.

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Ensign Hoshi Sato: You're the captain. Can't you order the storm to calm down?

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Vulcan Ambassador Soval: Captain Archer, your presence on this mission has not been... unduly burdensome.

[Soval leaves]

Shran: I think he likes you, pink-skin.

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[while in the escape pod, Trip tastes the food Kaitaama discovered in a storage locker]

Kaitaama: Is it edible?

Commander Tucker: Depends how hungry you are.

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[in "Carpenter Street", the time travel episode]

Loomis: Oh boy.

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[Silik is trying to operate his time-travel device, when Archer suddenly appears and attacks him]

Captain Archer: I said, you're an ugly BASTARD.

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Ensign Hoshi Sato: I'm a translator. I didn't come out here to see corpses hanging on hooks.

Dr. Phlox: It goes without saying that you're going to encounter the unexpected.

Ensign Hoshi Sato: Not corpses on hooks.

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Captain Archer: When I used to dream about this mission, the last thing I envisioned was having a Vulcan onboard who continuously sucked the air out of the room.

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Dr. Phlox: If I'm not mistaken, they are preparing to mate. Do you think they might let me watch?

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Commander Tucker: I don't like pushing the engines at 110%

Subcommander T'Pol: They are rated for 120

Commander Tucker: My underwear's flame-retardant, but it doesn't mean I want to set fire to myself to prove it.

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Captain Archer: I've always been much better at avoiding farewells than giving them, so I'm not even gonna try. But I'm going to ask all of you to think back to the day when this ship was first launched. We were explorers then. When all this is over, when Earth is safe, I want you to get back to that job. There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy. We've only explored a tiny fraction of them. We have a lot to do. Of all the captains that'll sit in this chair, I can't imagine any of them being more proud than I am right now.

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[on a planet with a toxic atmosphere]

Captain Archer: [to Reed] Try not to breathe.

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Subcommander T'Pol: "Delicate" is not a word I associate with Mr. Tucker.

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Commander Tucker: [in the Mirror Universe] I've absorbed enough delta rays to guarantee my grandchildren glow-in-the-dark.

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[Hoshi sees the captain dressed in a 23rd century uniform]

Ensign Hoshi Sato: These people had some strange ideas about uniforms.

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[the evil Archer and Hoshi from the Mirror Universe have learned of a parallel universe]

Captain Archer: Instead of building an empire, Earth became part of an interspecies alliance.

Ensign Hoshi Sato: [reading] The United Federation of Planets.

Captain Archer: More like a Federation of Fools.

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Captain Archer: [in the Mirror Universe] Great men are not peacemakers, great men are conquerors!

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Subcommander T'Pol: [in the Mirror Universe] I noticed you've been making extensive use of the library database.

Dr. Phlox: I was merely researching classical literature. I wanted to compare our major works with their counterparts in the other universe. I skimmed a few of the more celebrated narratives. The stories were similar in some respects, but their characters were weak and compassionate. With the exception of Shakespeare, of course. What I can tell, his plays were equally grim in both universes.

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[a visibly distressed T'Pol is trying to convince Archer not to go on a suicide mission]

Subcommander T'Pol: I don't want you to die!

[pause; Archer turns to look at her]

Subcommander T'Pol: It's not necessary.

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[Xindi council members are debating whether or not to attack Earth]

Xindi-Humanoid: Let's not forget who the real enemy is.

Degra: We may not KNOW who the real enemy is.

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Captain Archer: Enterprise was designed to be a ship of exploration.

Degra: If we're successful, it will be again.

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Dr. Phlox: That's it, time's up!

Commander Tucker: It sure is.

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Commander Dolum: Patience is for the dead.

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Xindi-Humanoid: [Archer has apparently died in the destruction of the superweapon] Your captain's sacrifice... will not be forgotten.

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Dr. Jeremy Lucas: You son of a bitch!

Dr. Arik Soong: Actually, mother was a chemist.

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Commander Tucker: How many warning shots do Vulcans usually fire?

Vulcan Ambassador Soval: None.

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[Dr. Phlox and Crewman Cutler are watching a movie in the ship's movie theatre]

Crewman Elizabeth Cutler: We can go if you're bored.

Dr. Phlox: No, no, I'd like to stay and see what happens.

[someone from the audience hisses for silence]

Crewman Elizabeth Cutler: You won't be disappointed. The ending's classic.

Dr. Phlox: No, not the film. I'm sensing a rising emotional undercurrent in the room. I'm curious to see if it culminates in some kind of group response.

Crewman Elizabeth Cutler: They don't have movies where you come from, do they?

Dr. Phlox: Well, we had something similar a few hundred years ago, but they lost their appeal when people discovered their real lives were more interesting.

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[Archer and T'Pol are tied back-to-back to each other]

Captain Archer: Houdini could get out of this.

Subcommander T'Pol: Perhaps you should invite him on your next mission.

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[a Vulcan captain abruptly cuts off transmission]

Commander Tucker: I'm getting real sick of being cut off.

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[T'Pol is lying in sick bay after saving a Vulcan Captain's life]

Captain Archer: [to Vulcan Captain] I know how you must feel. She saved my life once too. She can be a real pain-in-the-ass. Stubborn, arrogant. Sometimes, she makes me angry enough, I want to shove her out of an airlock. I can understand why the High Command is upset. But it took a lot of courage to step in front of that plasma bullet. Do you really want to take her back home in disgrace?

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[Lt. Reed has a bad case of the cold]

Lt. Reed: [sneezes] We can travel faster than the speed of light. You'd think we could find a cure for the common cold.

Dr. Phlox: You should be grateful. A human cold is so mild. I once had a patient with the Kamaraazite flu. He sneezed so violently, he nearly regurgitated his pineal gland.

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Bu'kaH: I've never seen your kind before, but you have made an enemy of the Klingon Empire.

Captain Archer: From what I've noticed, that's not hard to do.

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Captain Archer: Remind me to stop trying to help people.

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Captain Archer: [after being ranted at by a female Klingon he's trying to help] Remind me to stop trying to help people.

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UPN Voice Over: [From UPN Episodic Radio Commercial Voiceover - Episode 091: "Affliction"] Who do you trust when you can't believe your own eyes?

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Dr. Phlox: Lieutenant? Are you passing through or is there something I can help you with?

Lt. Reed: Actually, there is something.

Dr. Phlox: Yes?

Lt. Reed: I assume I can depend on doctor-patient confidentiality?

Dr. Phlox: This wouldn't have anything to do with gastrointestinal distress?

Lt. Reed: Is it that obvious?

Dr. Phlox: Not at all. There's a notation in your medical file. Something about, er, an unfortunate incident during zero-G training.

Lt. Reed: The EV simulator at Lunaport. Or, as Starfleet trainees call it: the Vomitorium.

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[Archer, T'Pol and Ambassador Soval are hiding from hostile Andorians]

Captain Archer: No offense, but my ears are less likely to draw fire then yours.

Vulcan Ambassador Soval: [to T'Pol] What is their fixation with our ears?

Subcommander T'Pol: I believe they are envious.

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Dr. Phlox: The will of the patient is the cornerstone of Denobulan medical ethics.

Captain Archer: Don't you believe if you can help someone, you're ethically bound to do so?

Dr. Phlox: Hippocrates wasn't Denobulan.

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Commander Tucker: It'll be nice to have a first contact where no-one's thinking about charging weapons.

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[Dr. Phlox is infected by nanomachines and is slowly changing into a Borg]

Dr. Phlox: Why are you wearing a phase pistol?

Ensign Hoshi Sato: Oh, it's Lt. Reed's idea. If you come near me, I'm supposed to shoot you.

Dr. Phlox: I hope you'll use the stun setting.

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Subcommander T'Pol: Are you saying you believe time travel is possible?

Dr. Phlox: Surprises, subcommander. I believe in embracing surprises.

Subcommander T'Pol: I prefer to embrace logic.

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[after finding a ship from the future with a corpse in it that has both human and Vulcan genes, T'Pol has to make a report for the Vulcan High Command]

Captain Archer: I wonder... if they'll believe that humans and Vulcans will be... swapping chromosomes one day.

Subcommander T'Pol: They're more likely to believe in time travel.

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Captain Archer: One thing I learned from A.G.: you're never gonna get anywhere without taking risks.

Subcommander T'Pol: You obviously admired this man.

Captain Archer: Quite a bit.

Subcommander T'Pol: And yet he cracked your molar.

Captain Archer: [sniggers] Humans can have funny ways of forming friendships.

Subcommander T'Pol: To say the least.

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[Subcommander T'Pol is leaving the Enterprise]

Commander Tucker: You're gonna miss her, aren't you?

Captain Archer: When they first assigned her, I felt like strangling Soval.

Commander Tucker: She does kinda grow on you.

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Captain Archer: We should be entering the nebula.

Subcommander T'Pol: The readings could be misleading.

Captain Archer: As Dr. Phlox would say - optimism.

Subcommander T'Pol: Optimism doesn't alter the laws of physics.

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[Archer and Robinson are making an illegal warp flight]

Captain Archer: [over the radio] NX-Beta to Commodore Forrest. You might wanna check your sensors. You'll see were holding steady at 2.5.

Admiral Maxwell Forrest: Congratulations. Now get the hell back here!

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Lt. Reed: I've also been working on a new alert signal. Tell me what you think.

[pushes button, and a highly annoying sound goes off]

Lt. Reed: Or this one?

[pushes another button, another irritating sound]

Commander Tucker: [looks highly annoyed, then deactivates sound]

Lt. Reed: Which one do you prefer?

Commander Tucker: For what?

Lt. Reed: A tactical alert!

Commander Tucker: They both sound like a bag full of cats!

Lt. Reed: Well, they were designed to get your attention!

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[Archer is obsessed with writing a preface for the biography of his father, and recites the first page to Cmr. Tucker]

Captain Archer: What do you think?

Commander Tucker: Sounds good.

Captain Archer: Let me read you the rest.

Commander Tucker: I really need to get to work on this.

Captain Archer: It's just a few more pages!

Commander Tucker: How many more?

Captain Archer: Nineteen.

Commander Tucker: *Nineteen*? Are you writing the preface or the book?

Captain Archer: [agitated] I've got a lot to say!

Commander Tucker: No kidding!

Captain Archer: [agitated] What's that supposed to mean?

Commander Tucker: If I may, sir... it's a little long-winded.

Captain Archer: [highly insulted] You're lucky you're a decent engineer, because you obviously don't know anything about writing!

Commander Tucker: [agitated] I'm not the only one!

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[Archer, Tucker and Reed are highly agitated from a nearby radiation source]

Commander Tucker: [showing Archer his schematics for the new Captain's chair] You might want to see this, sir! Interactive status displays, secondary helm control. It's even got inertial micro-dampers. The ship could be shakin' apart and you'd hardly feel a thing!

Lt. Reed: [frustrated] You ignored a Tactical Alert for this?

Commander Tucker: [ignores Reed] I want to run some colours by you for the head rest.

Lt. Reed: This is all a big joke to you!

Commander Tucker: [to Reed] Give it a rest!

Lt. Reed: This isn't a bloody pleasure cruise! Without proper discipline on this ship, this mission is doomed!

Commander Tucker: [highly annoyed] Why don't you play soldier somewhere else?

Lt. Reed: [with suppressed anger] If this were a military situation, you'd be taken out and shot!

[Tucker and Reed start fighting]

Captain Archer: Hey!

[he breaks them apart, then slams Tucker against the wall.]

Captain Archer: I don't care what colour the headrest is, or whether it can serve me ice-tea! I just want to sit when I'm on duty!

[releases Tucker, then slams Reed against the wall.]

Captain Archer: And if I hear that alarm one more time, I may have *you* taken out and shot!

[releases Reed, then turns to T'Pol.]

Captain Archer: Unless there's a *real* emergency, like a reactor breach, I don't want to be disturbed!

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Captain Archer: [while wading through a sewer] Sewage takes on a whole new meaning when it comes from a dozen different species.

Kessick: 31, to be exact.

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[Lt. Reed's stomach has been mutated]

Lt. Reed: Have you got anything for my stomach? Chef's food isn't sitting too well.

Dr. Phlox: Till your digestive tract is fully restored, you may want to avoid Mess Hall.

Lt. Reed: What do you suggest I eat?

Dr. Phlox: You're welcome to some of the moth larvae I feed to my Pyrithian bat.

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[the crew is watching a detective movie from the '40s in the mess hall]

Dr. Phlox: Something tells me we haven't seen the last of the detective with the bow tie.

Commander Tucker: No, he died in a house fire.

Dr. Phlox: Ah, did he? The autopsy was inconclusive. I wouldn't be surprised if the body belonged to the delivery man. With the strange limp. You never did see him leave the house.

Commander Tucker: What about the gardener? He was there too.

Dr. Phlox: Too tall. Even the primitive forensics of the mid-20th century would have determined that.

Subcommander T'Pol: [annoyed by the distraction] Perhaps we should watch and find out.

Commander Tucker: Part of the fun of a mystery is trying to solve it before it ends, using logic. You of all people should appreciate that.

Subcommander T'Pol: Then use logic more quietly.

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[Hoshi is left in the company of a stranger]

Captain Archer: Do I have to tell you to stay on your toes?

Ensign Hoshi Sato: I think that falls under the goes-without-saying category, sir.

Captain Archer: Did you bring a phase-pistol?

Ensign Hoshi Sato: I'll keep it under my pillow.

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Captain Archer: Remember that proto-star we ran across last week?

Commander Tucker: Yeah.

Captain Archer: I'm not seeing it here.

[indicating a Vulcan star chart]

Commander Tucker: Are you saying those Vulcan star charts aren't all that accurate? Well, if that's true, good luck getting them to admit it.

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[Archer wants to visit the Vulcan monastery at P'Jem]

Captain Archer: How d'you think they'd feel about a visit?

Subcommander T'Pol: P'Jem is a place of quiet contemplation, captain. I'm not certain we'd be welcome.

Commander Tucker: It's because Vulcans think we smell bad, isn't it?

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Captain Archer: [after hearing the rules for visiting a Vulcan monastery] I thought Starfleet training was tough.

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Captain Archer: So if anyone has a suggestion, I'm all ears...

[realizing there are Vulcans in the room]

Captain Archer: No offense.

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Commander Tucker: [to a Vulcan] For people without emotion, you sure have a flair for the dramatic.

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Dr. Phlox: Commander Tucker reassigned the repair team that that was working here. He said the Armoury was a higher priority. We'll see how low a priority I am the next time he burns his fingers on a plasma conduit.

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Dr. Phlox: I'm a physician, not an engineer.

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[to an alien computer]

Commander Tucker: On my world we have a saying "the customer's always right." Maybe you should make that part of your programming.

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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