American Outlaws (2001)
Jesse James: Distracting enough for ya'?
Frank: Aw, they hardly even noticed you.
Jesse James: So you're saying I could have done more to attact their attention?
Jesse James: Such as?
Frank: Well you coulda' worn one of those big, floppy women's Easter Sunday bonnets.
Jesse James: Yeah, that would've made an impression.
Frank: I figure.
Jesse James: See that's your problem, Frank. By the time you've finished figurin' out stuff, I'm already finished doin' it.
Frank: No, Jesse, see *your* problem is you're always doin' stuff before I'm finished figurin' it out.
Cole: All right, ranchers, let's ride!
Bob: Now I would sound just stupid sayin' something like that.
Cole: Sadie was a beautiful woman, Sadie was not a man!
Jesse James: She had a mustache, a nice mustache.
Frank: I think she had more than a mustache!
Cole: Well, she was European.
Cole: Gatling! They got a Gatling gun!
Bob: Goddamn it Cole, this stopped bein' fun about two years ago!
[during the gang's first robbery without Jesse]
Teller: Where's Jesse James?
Cole: This here's the Younger gang, you understand? The Younger gang!
Man: But the Youngers ride with Jesse James.
Bob: Hey! You wanna die?
Jesse James: Hands off your hip, Cole.
Cole: Ain't scared are ya, Jesse?
Jesse James: Pick your fights, cousin, you taught me that.
Cole: Some Indian tracker you turned out to be, Tom.
Comanche Tom: You paid me to find you Bluecoats, there they are.
Cole: Ma'am, do me a favor, turn around and cover your eyes.
Cole: Cuz I'm gonna shoot this man and I don't think you wanna see it.
Cole: Thank you.
Cole: Why the hell aren't we the "Younger-James" gang? I mean we got three Younger brothers and two James brothers.
Jim: Well, I kinda like the sound of the "James-Younger" gang.
Cole: Hey Jim, I'll beat the piss out of you right now, now stay out of this.
Bob: Oh, Jimmy's got a point, Cole. The "Younger-James" gang is confusing.
Cole: How's that, Bob?
Bob: Well, say we burst into a bank and we go, "We're the Younger-James gang!" Now people are gonna be thinkin', "The younger James gang? Is there an older James gang? How come we never heard of the older James gang?" So people are tryin' to figure that out instead of raisin' their arms.
Cole: [about Frank] Just because he reads all them books and he knows all them big words don't make him smart!
Bob: Uh, yeah it does.
Frank: "From women's eyes this doctrine I derive, they sparkle still the right Promethean fire. They are the books, the arts, the acedemes that show, contain and nourish all the world."
Cole: Well, I don't know what it is that you just said, but it sounded real nice.
Frank: That's Shakespeare. Now *he's* European.
Captain Malcolm: Get me the James boy!
Tom: What, Jesse?
Captain Malcolm: No, not Jesse! I want the one that can shoot!
Jesse James: Let's go home, back to our farms.
Cole: Platin' corn, harvesting corn... and eatin' corn.
Bob: The corn gonna shoot at me?
Bob: Then I love it.
Cole: You tell anyone I said this, I'll have to kill you, cause everyone knows I'm the toughest man in this town. But you are one terrifying son of a bitch with them guns.
Cole: WHOO! Goddamn, boy! When we get back to Missouri, I'ma' tell all them little gals 'bout how little Jesse James charged the whole Union army by hisself!
General: Hey Cole, he keeps that up and he's liable to outrank you soon!
Cole: Well, but I'll still be better lookin', won't I?
Cole: I'm the better soldier, Jesse!
Jesse James: And I'm the better outlaw!
Jimmy: You both hate the railroad, that's all that matters!
Cole: The one time that one of us comes up with an idea...
Jesse James: A *bad* idea.
Cole: Hey, I got us through the war all right.
Jesse James: And nearly got hanged in peacetime.
Frank: Any ideas little brother?
[Jesse smiles before running off]
Frank: Oh, Lord.
[Jesse grabs a stick of dynamites and runs off]
Cole and Frank: Oh, Lord.
[after Jimmy gets shot]
Cole: Bob, get me some bandages.
Jesse James: And some whiskey, Bob.
Jimmy: Too young for whiskey.
Jesse James: I think this time we'll make an exception, Jim.
Bob: They arrested Jesse! What have you done?
Cole: What's that, Bob?
Bob: What have you done, Cole?
Cole: I ain't done nothing, Bob.
Bob: Swear it.
[points his gun at Jesse]
Bob: Swear on Jimmy's grave.
Tom: Bob, you know Cole would never do such a thing. He and Jesse are best friends, cousins, blood brothers. Bob...
Bob: [lowers his gun] Sorry, Cole.
Tom: If I find out you had anything to do with what happened to Jesse... I'll kill you myself.
Jesse James: Hey stupid! Yeah, you. Glad to see you know your name, you dumb shit!
Loni Packwood: I say this is the last straw. I came back from the war, my farm was burned down, my cows was dead. And now my wife's run off with my cousin Jeb. That son of a bitch. He took my dog!
Head Teller: Why sir, sorry, but this bill is counterfeit!
Jesse James: Oh, I don't think so. But I'm gonna have to see the rest of your money so I can compare.
Frank: It's a scientific method, I hear it's all the rage.
Jesse James: You got big. I mean, you aged. What I mean is in a good way you got big and older.
Jesse James: Drinking whiskey, Jim? You're too young to be drinking whiskey.
Jim: Not too young to shoot a man, not too young to drink whiskey!
Jesse James: So we got a plan?
Bob: Yeah, my plan of lying here pissing myself seems to be working mighty fine, thank you!
Ma James: The Lord says we can bury 'em out back in the orchard. No one will ever find 'em.
Jesse James: Somebody's in a vengeful mood today.
Frank: Why don't we let 'em go for today, Ma? We'll bury 'em out back next time.
Ma James: [disappointed] Aw, all right.
Ma James: Oh, look at that. The good lord is a bit shorter than I reckoned.
Frank: That Zerelda turned into a hell of a woman, eh?
Jesse James: Oh yeah.
Frank: "Big and older"?
Jesse James: You can shut up now, Frank.
Frank: You are a charmer.
Jesse James: I swear to god I will shoot you in your sleep.
Frank: Next time try "Fat and haggard"!
Bob: [seeing Loni holding something] What's that?
Loni Packwood: This is my lucky rabbit's foot. I took it off that dead fellow over there.
Bob: Yeah, I don't think that one's working, Loni.
Jesse James: All right, settle down. Not all this money is ours.
Bob: Uh, well... no Jesse, it's the bank's... see that's why we had to go to all the trouble of stealing it.
Frank: Well, she's still talking to Jesus.
Jesse James: You know what worries me? That Jesus is talkin' back!
Ma James: I heard that.
Rollin H Parker: As you no doubt heard from your neighbors, our railroad is moving west...
Jesse James: Well, that makes sense as, see, east would put you under water.
Clell: What'll we do?
Jesse James: Nothin'! You folks are gonna do nothin'! You're gonna go home right now, you too Doc, so you can swear on a Bible that you don't know anything about what's gonna happen tomorrow!
Doc Mimms: Boys...
Jesse James: Doc! Go home. They ain't gonna hang no more Liberty boys.
Zee Mimms: When were you plannin' on telling me?
Jesse James: I just did!
Zee Mimms: Only because I asked!
Jesse James: Damn, am I ever gonna win with you?
Zee Mimms: Don't change the subject!
Zee Mimms: I can't believe I had to blow up a train for you!
Jesse James: Well you are a hell of a woman...
Zee Mimms: Don't swear!
Bob: Cole lost his temper.
Frank: Oh no.
Bob: Well, he just lost his temper a little!
Jesse James: How many of 'em did he kill, Bob?
[after Jesse blames himself for Jim's death]
Frank: The railroad burned him out, too, you couldn't have stopped him.
Jesse James: You're a piss-poor liar for the smartest man I know.
Jesse James: A war against the railroad... what the hell was I thinking?
Frank: Well, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Allan Pinkerton: My professional opinion is that you've managed to piss off the wrong bunch of farm boys this time.
Zee Mimms: [while reading a book] Hmm...
Jesse James: "Hmm" what?
Zee Mimms: "But the life of the James gang wasn't all robbing and shooting and killing. For these young Missouri bucks had a taste for the ladies. Especially the handsome and charismatic Jesse James."
Jesse James: I beg your pardon!
Zee Mimms: Blazing Guns of The West: The True Story of Jesse James. Only a dime in the hotel lobby.
Jesse James: Let me see that.
Zee Mimms: Oh, I'm not finished. "When he sauntered into a saloon, his spurs jangling and his pockets full of gold, the ladies flocked around him like flies to a candied apple." As I said... hmm.
Allan Pinkerton: We're moving you tomorrow.
Jesse James: But I like the presidential suite.
Allan Pinkerton: You're not gonna get a fair trial here in front of a jury full of Jesse James sympathizers.
Jesse James: Oh, but I'll get a fair trial with a jury bought off by Thaddeus Reins?
Allan Pinkerton: That's the idea.
Jesse James: I should've just killed Thaddeus Reins.
Allan Pinkerton: That's what I'd have done.
Jesse James: I'm not hanged yet.
Allan Pinkerton: You cocky little bastard.
Jesse James: Oh, you'll miss me.
Allan Pinkerton: No... I'll hang you. But I might miss you a little bit.
Thaddeus Reins: We'll speak again in Washington.
Jesse James: Oh, you're coming on the same train? Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna have to pay you a visit.
Thaddeus Reins: Big words.
Jesse James: That's a promise.
Allan Pinkerton: If he lays a finger on one of your guns, you are all - and I mean *all* - dead men.
Officer: He's chained up!
Allan Pinkerton: I'll put that on your tombstone.
Frank: [after she blows up the front of the train that's carrying Jesse] Nice shot.
Zee Mimms: Thank you. Go get my husband.
Jesse James: If I can get you today, then you damn sure know I can kill you anytime I want now that I'm free. You sleep on that for the next twenty years.
Allan Pinkerton: Tennessee. The railroad has no business in Tennessee, therefore I have no interest in the state of Tennessee.
Jesse James: Thank you.
Allan Pinkerton: I'd just as soon kill you, Jesse James. But chasing you takes up too much of my time.
Zee Mimms: There are certain things that have to wait until after the wedding.
Jesse James: Driver, change of plans. Can you take us to the nearest church, please?
Thaddeus Reins: Now who wrote this? I'll see him hanged every Tuesday for a month.
Jesse James: Zee, go home.
Zee Mimms: Who else was there when they hanged the others? You need to know how they do it. Which way they walk up, what order they do things in. And you mess up rescuing Cole because you won't listen to a woman? Then damn you all.
Loni Packwood: [whistles]
Pastor: Now, let's have a drink!
Jesse James: In the church?
Pastor: [pulls out a bottle] Communion!
Jesse James: Hey Doc, I was wonderin' if, eh, later this evening I could come by?
Doc Mimms: You're always welcome here, Jesse.
Jesse James: Yeah, I know, Doc, but well, I was thinking maybe I could come by and take Zee out. Some place near, with other folk. Near here, but...
Jesse James: Out.
Doc Mimms: That's fine by me, Jesse.
Frank: [with a grin] Oh, no worries, sir, I'll make sure they're properly chaperoned!
Doc Mimms: Why that hadn't even occurred to me, Frank. I am deeply in your debt.