Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
Katie: Listen, Coop - last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, *cut*. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.
Susie: You guys, I'm really going to miss this place.
Coop: Me too.
Ben: Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.
Ben: What time do you wanna meet?
J.J.: You mean ten years from now?
Coop: Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.
Susie: Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00? 9:30?
Coop: Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.
McKinley: Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here by 9:30? I mean, we'll all be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.
Gary: Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?
McKinley: Good, because I have something at 11:00.
Gary: You just have like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?
McKinley: No, I just have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.
Gene: Now, we need to make 8 gallons of bug juice by snack hour; do you know where the powder packets are?
Gary: [irritated] Yeah.
Gene: In the pantry, above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream... Uh, wait, forget that last part.
Gary: Did you say dick cream?
Gene: No! I said next to my... stick... team, you know, stick team! Stickball! Go away, leave me alone!
Henry: So, do you work here?
Beth: Yeah, I'm the Camp Director. You?
Henry: Me, no, I don't work here.
Beth: No, yeah, I'm the camp director... I would know if you worked here.
Henry: Oh, right.
Andy: You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.
Mallrat Girl: There's got to be another way.
Cure Girl: Maybe we should just let them all die.
Mork Guy: No! My friend Jimmy's in there!
Cure Girl: You have a friend?
Mork Guy: I'm kidding.
Gail: I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because I want you to be guests of honor at our wedding next week!
Beth: Well, I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, because I'm allergic to oxymorons!
Beth: The phone! The phone! Where's the *fucking* phone?
Susie: Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them.
Coop: When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So I am coming, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man - a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her and, yes, have sex with her; but no, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual - all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you.
Beth: Hey, you; penny for your thoughts.
Henry: Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems.
Beth: Don't tell me, oh, don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs!
Henry: No... Yes, but that's not the point.
Bobby's Buddy: Andy, have you seen my swimming buddy? If I can't find him, I'm telling Beth that you let him drown.
Andy: I was busy!
Bobby's Buddy: It's your job to make sure kids don't drown!
Gary: McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate"!
J.J.: You mean, penis-in-vagina?
Gary: No, dickhead - sex.
Beth: McKinley, there are some lower campers stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?
Standup Comic: White folks sound so stupid when they get mad. They be like "hey asshole, I'm going to kick your b-hind." But the brothers won't even need to raise their voice. These motherfuckers be like "don't make me say it twice."
Susie: [to Ben] That's true, that's true.
McKinley: [to J.J. and Aaron, while laughing] *I hate white people*!
Caped Boy: Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard, I am recently a crowned class B dungeon master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace.
[he chuckles, and there is an awkward silence at the table]
Caped Boy: Anyone? Alexa!
[Alexa gives him a withering glare]
Caped Boy: Maybe you would like to join in? We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast a level 5 charm spell on me.
Alexa: In your dreams, douche-bag!
Caped Boy: Douche-bags are hygienic products; I take that as a compliment. Thank you.
[Keith walks off]
Can of Vegetables: If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass - just be honest about it. Look, Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.
McKinley: Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today.
McKinley: 'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow, and I don't want to get in trouble.
McKinley: You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks.
Arty: I will.
McKinley: You're covered in dirt. Take a shower.
Alan Shemper: When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and *farts* and crafts. We used to make drawings... cave drawings! Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it! I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor! And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the bubonic plague!
Beth: Well guys, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.
[Coop is sobbing, Gene appears from nowhere]
Gene: Be proud of who you are.
Coop: Huh? Gene?
Gene: Shh... it isn't about the girl, Coop.
Coop: It isn't?
Gene: Well, it is. But see if you can follow me here... it
Gene: ... isn't.
Coop: Oh. So it is... and it isn't.
[pause, wind blows]
Gene: You are ready to be taught the new way.
Coop: Will you teach me about this - what is it? A new way?
Susie: [angry that Beth has invited Steve to take part in the talent show] Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...
Susie: ...director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my *balls*, woman! I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living *hell*!
Susie: [after a long pause and a glare from Beth] All right; I'll put him on last.
[Beth walks away]
Susie: [to Ben] Oh, she always wins!
Coop: I love sluts! Sluts rock! It's just, you know, it's just gotta be the right slut, you know?
Coop: [as Katie walks away] I want you inside me.
Katie: What did you say?
Coop: Oh hey... from before...
Gene: Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.
Gary: Come on - what?
Gene: Finish up the taters.
Gary: And then what did you say?
Gene: And then what did I say?
Gary: You said you were going to... fondle your sweaters.
Gene: Ah, uh - no I didn't. I said... fondue the cheddar... I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.
Gary: No, Gene, that is *not* what you said.
Gene: That *is* what I said. Fondue cheddar.
Victor: I'm a virgin.
Neil: Wh - you're joking, right, dude? I mean, you're a stallion, man, you've had like fifty or sixty women, so it's, you know, it's like...
Victor: Actually it's closer to... zero.
Neil: Oh my god, oh my god. You are a loser! You are a loser! No!
[under his breath]
Neil: You're such a loser.
Lindsay: What 'cha doing?
Andy: Writing in my gournal. I write my thoughts in it every day.
Lindsay: Oh, you mean a journal?
Andy: Yeah, whatever. I guess I'm not all smart like you.
Susie: OK, stop. I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys. God! Am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it. Take a break; think about what you've done.
Alan Shemper: I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.
Beth: The following campers need to put their trunks out so the early bus to Boston can pick them up at 7:30 AM: Amanda Klein, Jessica Azaria, Ira... Stevenberg, Sol Zimmer... stein... uh, David... Ben Gurion...
Susie: Hey you guys, everybody focus up, okay? All eyes here. I would like to announce that Ben and I are planning to produce a musical number from Godspell for the musical tonight.
[Ben makes a sound]
Susie: I'm sorry, Ben is producing. I am directing/choreographing.
Ben: I'm only speaking from personal experience, but if you can't carry a tune, don't come into the audition environment and waste our time. For serious, okay?
Susie: Okay, and bring a lot of movement clothes, AKA jazz shoes, dance belts, Lycras, et al. And seriously, FYI, you guys, this is not an excuse to get out of your regular activities. This is an excuse to do some good musical theatre. So be prepared, be enthusiastic, and leave your bullshit attitude and baggage at the door because we don't need it!
Beth: [walks in as Andy knocks his dishes off the table] Andy? You gonna clean that up?
Andy: Oh yeah. I will. Uh, I just got... I don't have time right now.
Beth: Clean it up, and come to my office for the meeting.
Andy: I gotta...
[gives an annoyed sigh and begins picking it up]