Quotes

Bridget: Wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that.

Mark Darcy: Oh, yes, they fucking do.

Bridget: Thank you, Daniel, that is very good to know. But if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's arse.

[From the trailer]

[answering phone]

Bridget: Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Dad... Hi.

Bridget: Daniel, what you just did is actually illegal in several countries.

Daniel Cleaver: That is one of the reasons that I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.

Daniel Cleaver: First, have some more wine, and then tell me the story about practicing French kissing with the art girls at school, because it's a very good story.

Bridget: It wasn't French kissing.

Daniel Cleaver: Don't care, make it up. That's an order, Jones.

Daniel Cleaver: Come on Bridget, we belong together - you, me, poor little skirt. If I can't make it with you then I can't make it with anyone.

Bridget: That's not a good enough offer for me.

Bridget: Here is the man we like to call Mr., uh,

[to herself]

Bridget: Titspervert. Titspervert.

[to audience]

Bridget: Fitzherbert. Because... that is his name.

Bridget: It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.

Bridget: [to Cosmo and Woney] Tell me, is it one in four marriages that end in divorce these days, or one in three?

Mark Darcy: One in three.

Bridget: [as Una Alconberry] No, Pam. Besides, the gravy needs sieving.

Mark Darcy: [as Pamela Jones] Surely not, just stir it Una.

[uncut international releases, USA video and dvd releases]

Julian: [to his manicurist] Careful, you ham-fisted cunt!

Jude: Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or slightly smaller nose?

Bridget: No.

Shazzer: Well, fuck me.

Tom: This is someone you hate right?

Bridget: Yes, yes, I hate him.

Bridget: [rummaging through her fridge] Where the fuck's the fucking tuna?

[imitating her line on TV]

Bridget: This is Bridget Jones, with Sit Up Britain, searching for tuna.

Daniel Cleaver: [to Mark Darcy] My, what a gripping life you do lead.

Bridget: Now, I'll go home and... de-bunny.

Mark Darcy: I like you, very much.

Bridget: Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and... ah, the verbal diarrhea.

Mark Darcy: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.

[Bridget glimpses Mark for the first time]

Bridget: Perhaps this is the mysterious Mr. Right I have been waiting my whole life to meet.

[sees reindeer sweater]

Bridget: Maybe not.

Bridget: You once said you liked me just as I am and I just wanted to say likewise. I mean there are stupid things your mum buys you, tonight's another... classic. You're haughty, and you always say the wrong thing in every situation and I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your sideburns. But, you're a nice man and I like you. If you wanted to pop by some time that might be nice... more than nice.

Mark Darcy: Right, crikey.

Bridget: Have bottom size of Brazil.

Shazzer: Introduce people with thoughtful details. Such as: "Sheila, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Sheila. Sheila enjoys horse-riding and comes from New Zealand. Daniel enjoys publishing and comes..."

Bridget: ...all over your face?

Bridget: Apparently, I used to run round naked in his paddling pool.

Daniel Cleaver: I bet you did, you dirty bitch.

Mark Darcy: All right Cleaver, outside.

Daniel Cleaver: [half laughing] I'm sorry? Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?

Daniel Cleaver: Now these are very silly little boots, Jones. And this is a very silly little dress. And, um, these are, fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.

Bridget: Jesus. Fuck.

Daniel Cleaver: No, no. Don't apologize. I like them. Hello, Mummy.

[they kiss]

Daniel Cleaver: I'm sorry, I have to have another look. They're too good to be true.

Bridget: No...

Daniel Cleaver: They're nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something similar myself.

Bridget: Did I really run round your lawn naked?

Mark Darcy: Oh, yes. You were four and I was eight.

Bridget: Well, that's a pretty big age difference. It's quite pervy really.

Mark Darcy: Yes, I like to think so.

Shazzer: Look, are you coming to fucking Paris or not?

Bridget: Um, not.

Shazzer: No fucking room, anyway.

Bridget: [to carolers] Bugger off.

Natasha: So how autobiographical is your work, Salman?

Salman Rushdie: You know, its an amazing thing, nobody has ever asked me that question.

Bridget: Are you staying at your parents for New Years?

Mark Darcy: Yes. You?

Bridget: Ah, no. Was at a party in London last night, I'm afraid I'm a bit hungover.

[nervous laugh]

Bridget: Wish I could be home with my head in a toilet like all normal people...

[pause]

Bridget: ...ah! New Year's Resolution: drink less... and quit smoking... and quit talking total nonsense to strangers... actually, quit talking, full stop.

[awkward silence]

Mark Darcy: Yes. Well. Perhaps it's time to eat.

Daniel Cleaver: I've been going crazy. I can't stop thinking about you, and thinking about what an idiot I've been. Christ, is that blue soup?

Bridget: The only thing worse than smug married couple; lots of smug married couples.

Bridget: What are we going to do about this dinner, then?

Mark: We have blue soup to start, orange pudding to end, and, well, for a main course you have, uh, congealed green gunge.

Shazzer: Exactly. I mean there's been all these bloody hints and stuff, but has he ever actually stuck his fucking tongue down your fucking throat?

Bridget: No. Not once!

Pam Jones: [to Bridget] You'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you wandered out of Auschwitz.

Mark Darcy: Bridget!

Bridget: Mark... What are you doing here?

Mark Darcy: I was just wondering if you were available for Bar Mitzvahs and Christenings in addition to Ruby Weddings.

Bridget: I thought you were in America.

Mark Darcy: Well I was... but I realized I had forgotten something here.

Bridget: Which was...?

Mark Darcy: Well, I realized that I had forgotten to... kiss you goodbye, do you mind?

Bridget: Umm... not really, no. So... does this mean you're *not* going to America?

Mark Darcy: No... not.

Bridget: Does this mean you're staying here?

Mark Darcy: It would seem so...

Mark Darcy: [notices her friends cheering] Friends of yours?

Bridget: Oh, haha... never seen them before in my life.

Mark Darcy: Mother, I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother.

Shazzer: Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of 'em. Tell 'em they can stick fucking Leevis up their fucking asses.

Bridget: [narrating] Shazzer. Journalist. Likes to say "fuck."

Mark Darcy: [pauses during fight to sing] Happy birthday dear what's-his-name...

Bridget: [fight enters Greek restaurant] No, no, no, no, no, no!

Tom: Oh, yes!

Bridget: [referring to Darcy's and Cleaver's bad relationship] That's why you always acted so strangely around him, and beat him to a pulp quite rightly.

[awkward pause]

Bridget: Well done.