[Dorothy reads her Valentine]
Dorothy Wheeler: Roses are red, Violets are Blue, They'll need dental records to identify you.
Adam Carr: All I can think is when someone is that lonely or that angry they can learn to hide it. But inside, it never dies. It just stays there. Eats away at you. Until one day, you have to do something about it.
Dorothy Wheeler: Excuse me, who are you?
Ruthie: That's none of your business.
Campbell Morris: Don't worry, she's nobody.
Ruthie: Yeah, I'm nobody. I'm just the idiot who's still waiting for a return on my Internet investment.
[to Campbell Morris]
Ruthie: What did you call it? Bleed-Me-Dry.com?
Dorothy Wheeler: When you are old enough to rent a car, we can talk about your role as my stepmother.
[to Lily Voight]
Max Raimi: What's the problem?
Lily Voight: The problem is that you turned out to be a cheap, hypocritical sleazeball!
Max Raimi: Yeah, but you knew that. So... does this mean you're not gonna be my Valentine?
Paige Prescott: [sarcastically, to Brian] You brought me upstairs to show me your penis? How sweet!
Shelley Fisher: Jason, I'm not a doctor yet, but it's my considered opinion you seek psychiatric help. Soon!
Adam Carr: Nice party, Dorothy.
Dorothy Wheeler: It blows!
Adam Carr: [to Kate Davies] Is everything okay?
Dorothy Wheeler: [obviously angry] Oh, yes! Everything's fine, it's just that men SUCK! But, that's no offense to you, Adam.
Adam Carr: None taken.
Paige Prescott: Detective Vaughn, please remove your hand from my thigh.
Det. Leon Vaughn: Okay, where would you like me to put it?
Paige Prescott: How about up your ass?
[Kate finds Adam drinking]
Kate Davies: Which one of the twelve steps is this?
Adam Carr: Kate! There you are. You know, I have been looking all over for you.
Kate Davies: And I wasn't at the bottom of the bottle?
Gary Taylor: You look great, Kate. How about a date, Kate? You could be my mate, Kate.
Kate Davies: You're scary, Gary.
Gary Taylor: This could be our fate, Kate.
Jeremy Melton: Ummm, Paige, will you dance with me?
Young Paige Prescott: I'd rather be boiled alive.
[Shelley reads her Valentine]
Shelley Fisher: The journey of love is an arduous trek, My love grows for you as you bleed from your neck.
Adam Carr: I'm sorry that I couldn't make it to the art show.
Kate Davies: Don't worry, you didn't miss much. Just Dorothy's boyfriend getting attacked by some crazy woman and some really bad art. I mean, the stuff was basically porn!
Adam Carr: [smiling] It sounds okay.
Dorothy Wheeler: Come on Kate! You've always been the popular one, and Shelley was always the brainy one, and Lily was the fun one, and Paige was the sexy one, and I was the big, fat one! And as far as you're concerned, that's exactly the way that it is. Well, you know what? Screw all of you!
[Shelley looks at the male corpse she is about to dissect]
Shelley Fisher: Strong silent type, how refreshing!
Kate Davies: I haven't really completely broken up with Adam yet.
Paige Prescott: But you will. Believe me, relationships don't make U-turns and Adam's a drunk.
Kate Davies: He's not a drunk. He's a borderline addictive personality who happens to like alcohol a lot.
Dorothy Wheeler: Oh, get your hands off me, you mail order bride from HELL!
Dorothy Wheeler: [about Campbell] He loves me.
Ruthie: He loves your trust fund. Trust me.
Kim Wheeler: Who's your friend?
Dorothy Wheeler: His name's CampbeII. I met him at yoga and he's off-Iimits. So let my dad know he's staying here for a few days.
Kim Wheeler: Is he the reason you're always spending your time on the treadmiII?
Dorothy Wheeler: Kim, you're not my girIfriend and you're not my mother.
Kim Wheeler: I'm just taking an interest in your Iife Dorothy. You know, as your stepmom.
Dorothy Wheeler: When you're oId enough to rent a car, we can discuss your roIe as my stepmother. In the meantime,don't taIk about my sex Iife.
Kim Wheeler: You? Have a sex life?
Dorothy Wheeler: Yeah, I do. But I don't charge by the hour Iike you.
Kim Wheeler: How dare you?
Dorothy Wheeler: Oh! Get your hands off me, you maiI-order bride from heII!