Big John Harrigan: And if I was a spy, what would you think of me then ?
Howie: Well, I'd think that you are just like James Bond except James Bond doesn't go around blowing boys.
Howie: On the Long Island Expressway there are lanes going east, lanes going west, and lanes going straight to hell.
Brian: Howie, if you do stuff with guys, that's gay stuff. If you do stuff with girls, that's straight stuff.
Gary: I think he's trying to say it's not politically correct to fuck your sister.
Kevin Cole: We're not even old enough to *vote*, so that's a stupid joke Blitzer.
[Laying on the ground as a woman passes by]
Kevin Cole: Her dress is so short, you can see her clint.
Kevin Cole: Her clint, it's in her pussy.
Howie: You mean "clit."
Kevin Cole: Fuck you, I mean like... clintasaurus.
Howie: It's clitoris, you fuckin' idiot.
Kevin Cole: It's a CLINT.
Brian: Yeah, like you can see Clint Eastwood in her pussy.
[Flipping through a magazine]
Kevin Cole: Hey-hey, it's Captain Kirk. Ever see that old Star Trek show where there's a bad Captain Kirk and a good one? And Spock, and Dr. Phones...
Brian: You mean "Bones"?
Kevin Cole: What? It's Phones McCoy.
Brian: "Bones" is a nickname for doctor, idiot.
Kevin Cole: No, it's like get the doctor on the phone, like house calls.
Brian: It's BONES.
Kevin Cole: It's Phones.
Counselor: Just so you know, I know you're different, okay.
Howie: Different ?
Counselor: You're not a nerd, you're not a jock, you're not a scholar or a romeo.
Howie: Or a gangsta.
Counselor: Or a clown.
Howie: So what am I then ?
Counselor: You are a Howie Blitzer.
Howie: My own category, wow.
Big John Harrigan: [on women] They're professional ball busters, and you know it.
Big John Harrigan: [Talking with Howie about Gary] You must be the only guy on Long Island who hasn't fucked him. Such a slut. The only thing that hasn't been used on him is his brain.
Howie: L.I.E. Long Island Expressway. You got the lanes going east, and you got the lanes going west. And you also got the lanes going straight to hell. Lot of people died on it. Harry Chapin, Alan Pakula, the movie director. You probably heard of them. But you never heard of Sylvia Blitzer, my mom. She died on a crash on Exit 52. I really miss her. It's taken a lot of people and I hope it doesn't get me.
Howie: L.I.E. Long Island Expressway. You got the lanes going east, and you got the lanes going west. And you also got the lanes going straight to hell. Lot of people died on it. Harry Chapin, Alan Pakula, the movie director. Sylvia Blitzer, my mom. But I'm not gonna let it get me.