Quotes

Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?

Chester: Oh ,that's my alter ego.

Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego.

Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.

Jesse: Oh yeah.

Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?

Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!

Chester: Is that what that is?

Jesse: Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.

Chester: Yeah!

Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.

Chester: We can?

Jesse: Yeah! And you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.

Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?

Jesse: Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...

Chester: ...which has the gifts in it...

Jesse: ...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!

Chester: Yeah! Let's do it!

Jesse: Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.

Chester: Told you.

Jesse: I know.

Chester: I know your body.

[Jeese and Chester come across an ostrich]

Jesse: Dude, it's a llama!

Jesse: I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!

Jesse: Hey, have you seen my car?

Christie Boner: Well I saw it last night... I saw the backseat.

Jesse: No, I'm talking about the whole thing.

[as Super Hot Giant Alien passes overhead, a Father and Son see up her skirt]

Birthday Son: I want to go on that ride, Daddy.

Birthday Father: Me, too, Son. Me, too.

Chester: Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.

Jesse: Shibby!

Chester: Low five.

[Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."]

Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!

Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" But what does mine say?

Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?

Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: "S - wee - t!" What about mine?

[later]

Chester: [angry] "Dude!" What does mine say?

Jesse: [screaming] "Sweet!"

[repeated line]

Tommy: Stoner-bashin' time!

[about the hot chicks]

Chester: Those double-crossing, sexy-sexy sluts!

[starts crying]

Chester: How wasted were we last night?

Jesse: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.

Alien Nordic Dude #1: We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey.

Jesse: I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe.

Jesse: You know what we should do?

Chester: Eat?

Jesse: No.

[thinks for a moment]

Jesse: Eat!

Jesse: [after being arrested] Chester, I've seen this on Cops! Fight back!

Chester: [to a policeman] Can you turn on the siren?

Mark: E-mail me ok "Freakincage.com"

Wilma: You'd better stay away from our boyfriends.

Wanda: You fake-breasted sluts!

Pierre: Can I get you guys some beers?

Mark: I'd like a "Near Beer," please.

Pierre: SHUT UP!

[smacks Mark's cage with horsewhip]

Pierre: WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHUT YOU UP?

Jesse: I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.

Jesse: Look, it's an elephant!

Mr. Pizzacoli: [turning around] What?

Jesse: It was just a mailman.

Zoltan: You gotta activate the...

Space Nerds: Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam!

Jesse: What?

Mr. Pizzacoli: They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!

Chester: Hurry, activate it, dude!

[a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam"]

Chester: I think that's it, dude.

Jesse: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Jesse: Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?

Chester: [opens cupboard] I'd say it's entirely possible.

Alien Nordic Dude #1: Could you please tell us where we may find the continuum transfuctioner?

Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?

Alien Nordic Dude #1: And then we may go and get it?

Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?

[pause]

Alien Nordic Dude #2: Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?

[first lines]

Jesse: What's up?

Chester: Animal Planet!

Jesse: Man, I just had the craziest dream.

Chester: About what?

Jesse: I don't remember

[chuckles]

Tania: I'm a gender-challenged male.

Jesse: [shouts] Whoa! Dude, you're a dude!

Nelson: Deep inside your consciousness you must look. Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must.

Zelmina, Space Nerd #3: Does he have to talk like that?

Christie Boner: I like the way you talk.

Tommy: Quick, to my step-dad's pickup truck!

Jesse: Stupid lamas!

Mr. Pizzacoli: I know you've been embezzelin' my pizzas, and I will catch you eventually. And when I do, I swear ta God, you will neva deliver pizzas in this town again!

Pierre: [on "No Trespassing" sign] No trespassing. Violators will be castrated: Balls - Cut - Off.

Officer Rick: Oh... Did you guys say you wanted your car back, or that you wanted it impounded?

Jesse: Uhh, we want it back

Officer Rick: Oh, yeah, see, I accidentally sent your car to the impound lot. Sorry.

Jesse & Chester: Rick!