Long-Haired Hobo: I'm not gonna eat that shit, you fuckin' retard.
Ethan: No one calls me a retard, ya FREAKIN' HOBO!
Dave: I brought you coffee.
Ethan: I don't touch that stuff.
Dave: Can I come in?
Ethan: No. No one comes into Ethan's room. Ethan's rules.
Dave: What's that smell?
Ethan: Maybe it's the smell of your ass getting kicked out of school.
Ethan: You're smart. I like you. I'll probably give you a nickname.
Jeff: Yoo-hoo, it's Steve Pasternack, looking for Angela! Angela, please!
Reanna: Do I fucking know you?
Jeff: Uh, I lent Angela my notebook, because I take such world "famous" notes. So I was wondering if I could... are you busy with something?
Reanna: Yeah. I was masturbating.
Jeff: Heh. Hoo! Masturbating. In the dorms. Well, that's what you get when you go to art school.
Sam: You know what, boys? Why don't you just let me take care of it. You treat a hot girl like dirt, and she'll stick to you like mud.
Sam: Why don't you watch where you're going, you skanky-ass bi-atch.
Girl at Trendy Club: [slaps Sam] Cocksucker.
Girl at Trendy Club: Buttwipe.
Girl at Trendy Club: Monkey boy.
[Sam flexes his pecs]
Girl at Trendy Club: OH!
Mr. Leonard: Good afternoon, Mr. Dulles.
Dave: Call me Jack.
Mr. Leonard: But is says here your first name is Ethan?
Dave: Nah, just call me Jack.
Mr. Leonard: All right, Jack. If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
Dave: Hmmm, I'd have to say... slave to the freaky ass booty.
Mr. Leonard: That's more then one word.
Ethan: Angela? Weird!
Angela: Ethan? What are you doing here?
Ethan: Well, I'm in the food service industry, and I like bums, so it's kinda my duty.
Ethan: I want to make sure that you and I are best friends - "gnome" matter what.
Angela: Ethan, that's a troll.
Ethan: "Gnome", it's not.
Jeff: We have been getting screwed by the system. The system that forces us guys to like girls. All right? We're getting pushed into this. What if we just take the girls out of it? We can have our own system, it's a counter-system. And then, you do things together, you swim, you row, you... boat, you eat, you stink. We can just be guys! You can have sex, you can do it, you know, many guys at a time, but it's not gay.
Ethan: [singing] I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm the kind of guy who will, not insist that you go on the Pi-ill, I'm cool with splitting the bi-ill, and I'll kill who you want me to KILL! And you can smack my bottom, I don't got no condoms, we've got a lot in common, you and me. Don't you see, don't you see, d-d-d-d-don't you see, my heart is bea-beat-ing, t-t-ting, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-OH! Angela! Oh how I need you so. Cause your eyes are like two shining blue rockets in the night, come to take me away, come abduct me, or maybe you won't, and you'll wake up when I cry, and don't let me hurt you, just by accident, I probably won't, but just in case I do, maybe - AH! Fudge.
Ethan: You are so awesome, your room is so awesome, your phone is kick-ass, and you know what? I love you.
Sam: I have something to say to you... and I think that it's important that I say it out of the cage.
Angela: Ethan, what is this, is this a hair doll?
Ethan: I didn't make that! It fell out of your hair that way!
Sam: Professor Markoe! Thank God you're here! I was hit by a truck today.
Professor Markoe: Well, you alright?
Stoned Test Taker: Look, I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong class but I got to say that was beautiful.
Singing Waiter: When I say happy, you say birthday! Happy!
Singing Waiter: When I say birthday, you say party! Birthday!
Ethan: I had a nickname for you! You wanna know what it was? I'm not going to tell you. All right, it was "Laser."
Ethan: [singing] I love you but, I hate you, which brings to mind, how much I love you. We could have worked this out you know, in a little room, in a little locked room. I'm sorry you had to settle for Dave, the one-dimensional man. He's filed under "Cocksucker" in my little black book. Sweetness can rot your teeth. Bittersweet, cacophony. But you hold the key, you hold the key, to my little locked room. You hold the key, you hold the key, to my little locked whoa-ooh-oh-oh. Please let... me... out soon. I luh you.
Dave: I'm a commercial airline pilot.
Hot Twin #1: Yeah, whatever.
Dave: No, I'm a commercial airline pilot.
Hot Twin #1: Ha, ha.
Dave: I, ladies, am a professional... commercial... airline... pilot.
Hot Twin #1: Cool!
Hot Twin #2: Cool!
Hot Twin #1: Is he a pilot too?
Jeff: FBI. I get the ugly one.
Angela: You are a child and you are manipulative and even worse... you're a whore.
Dave: I am not a whore.
Head T.A. Philip: Eyes on my own paper, eyes on my own paper. Joe Shmo has no answers for you.
Ethan: He's in my seat.
Head T.A. Philip: Yeah... and we're grown-ups. We don't argue over seats. Now go sit over there. There are plenty of empty seats there.
Dave: It was my fate to meet her.
Jeff: But it wasn't your fate to be with her. Unfortunately, my friend, fate has a different plan for you. You will grow up, go out into the world. You'll forget all about the things that happened here. Ethan, Angela... the shit we pulled. Those hookers that we thought were girls. And you're going to go out there and no-one - no-one can shoot you down because a woman one time stepped on your heart and left a scar in its wake. That is your fate, Dave. Just as it is my fate to some day become shogun.
Reanna: Remember what I always say, show the boobs and work the ass.
Angela: I have no boobs.
Reanna: You're right, well just work the ass.