Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)
Master Betty: I have been called bad before. Many have said I do things that are not correct to do. I don't believe in talk such as this. I am nice man, with happy feelings. All of the time. First, a joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
Master Betty: My ass. Nyah, haha, haha, haha, ENOUGH.
Master Betty: Hmmm. I'll kill him. I'll kill him dead. Like with, with a, rock or something. Like a, like a stone.
Ling: He was my father my entire life, we were friends, I loved him, and now he's dead-except for his hair and nails-dead, Waaaach!...
Ling: But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I, I, I, I, I , I, I just can't. I won't! WEE-OOH, WEE-OOH!
Chosen One: He wasn't at the restaurant, do you know where he is?
Ling: No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. WEE-OOH!
Chosen One: Look Ling, those curly Qs in your hair make me so hot I can't think straight!
Ling: You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?
[Chosen One grabs her shoulders and is clearly yelling]
Chosen One: [calmly] I implore you to reconsider.
Ling: Hmmmmm, OK.
Master Tang: [singing] Oh, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell. Enchirito...
Students: [joining in singing] Nacho, Burrito...
Students: [chanted while fighting] Our! Sexual! Preferences! Are! Our! Own! Business!
Wimp Lo: I see the way you look at him. I'm a man, too, you know? I go pee pee standing up.
Wimp Lo: Who is that?
Student: [mouths for a few seconds] I don't know.
Master Tang: Again, with feeling!
Students: One of us. Is wearing. A push-up bra. It's lacy. And cute.
Master Tang: [Master Tang walking and singing] Hmm, chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go oink-oink, how bout you? Wanna be an animal just like you.
[breaks off and looks around]
Henchman: [in bushes] Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Master Betty: Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too!
Master Tang: [resumes singing] Lemur go pff-pff, Ostrich go baah. Koala go
Master Tang: [makes clicking noises]
Master Tang: [spins to face Betty]
Chosen One: [after finding Dog dying] It's going to be OK, boy!
[dog rasps and dies]
Chosen One: Not, it's not!
Chosen One: I'll take a pound of nuts.
Shop Keeper: [yelling] That's a lot of nuts! That'll be four bucks, baby! You want fries with that?
Master Tang: I know you seek The Chosen One. And I know what you did to his family.
Master Tang: And now, I'm going to beat you up.
Master Betty: Do you need a glass of water, or something? Geez, at least cover your mouth. We're all going to catch it.
Town Children: We're children. We're children.
Narrator: Like, crap man, look at that. That's like his stomach plug, on the ground back there. You don't see that every day. I mean that doesn't even seem possible if you think about it, with body organs and cartilage and bones. I mean I'm no doctor or nothin' but that was like one clean chunk.
Master Tang: [narrating] At that moment, the Chosen One learned a valuable lesson about iron claws... THEY HURT LIKE CRAP MAN.
[two students are walking, both of them have their mouths closed but voice is dubbed in]
Students: [singing] We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists, we are both ventriloquists and we practice every day.
Student 1: He carries the baskets.
Student 2: He carries the paper roll.
Students: And we don't have cysts. But one thing is for sure my friends, we are ventriloquists.
Master Tang: Chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggie go oink-oink, how bout you?
Mayor: Er, Master Betty, what is the Evil Council's plan?
Master Betty: Nyah. Haha. It is EVIL, it is so EVIL. It is a bad, bad plan, which will hurt many... people... who are good. I think it's great that it's so bad.
Master Doe: Uhh, water, everywhere. All over me, I'm getting wet. I am falling, you are falling, we are falling!
Master Doe: A whale!
Student: [after getting his shirt ripped by Betty] Why, I ought'ta...
Master Tang: No! He would kill you like a small dog. Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata... hiding amongst the candy... hoping the kids don't break through with the stick!
Master Tang: Prepare the long rubber glove.
Master Tang: Eeny, meeny, miney, moe - I wonder where my glove will go?
Master Betty: I am a great magician - your clothes are red!
Chosen One: Killing is wrong. And bad. There should be a new, stronger word for killing. Like badwrong, or badong. Yes, killing is badong. From this moment, I will stand for the opposite of killing: gnodab.
Mayor: That tiny net was sure-fire master!
Master Betty: Yes, a tiny net is a death sentence, it's a net and it's tiny!
Master Betty: When you girls are done kissing, I've got some ass kicking for you.
Master Doe: I have a mortal wound.
Master Tang: Where? Where does it hurt?
Master Doe: Oh, pretty much around the big bloody spot.
Mu Shu Fasa: You must take your place in the great circle of... stuff.
Master Tang: Pay no attention to Wimp Lo, we purposely trained him wrong... as a joke.
Wimp Lo: He's an outsider. Have you ever seen him before?
Ling: Hmn-hmn. Well, twice.
Master Tang: I remember a long time ago, when a friend told me there would be a chosen one.
[flashback to a younger Tang talking to Master Doe]
Master Doe: There will be a chosen one.
Master Tang: He then told me of the significance.
Master Doe: It will be significant.
Master Tang: And then he killed the dog.
[flashback, Master Doe closes his eyes, we hear a fart then a dog whimper]
Chosen One: I now officially know too much, and why are you in bed?
Master Tang: Oh, you wouldn't believe what happened next...
Chosen One: [flashback begins] No wait, please!
Master Tang: If you insist.
Master Betty: Well, I thought you looked familiar. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without crap in your pants!
Master Tang: [dying] Chosen One, do I look all right?
Chosen One: Yeah... sure.
Master Tang: On a scale of one to ten?
Chosen One: Hmmm, one.
Master Tang: Listen, and listen well. I really like the band N-Sync. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo. If not there should be. I will write their next hit, maybe 'A boom-boom chiky chiky boom-boom a boom-boom chiky chaka chaka cho cho.' By the way, you must beware of Betty's iron claw. They are sharp, and they hurt. And beware his song about big butts, he beats people up while he plays it!
Master Tang: Come inside! I'll get the Neosporin! Ba na na na na! Neo! Ba na na na na na na! Sporin!
[the Chosen One is preparing to fight Master Betty. A man comes up to him]
Master Doe: Wait! You are not ready!
Chosen One: Who are you?
Master Doe: Ling's father! Wee-Ohh Wee-Ohh Wee-Ohh-Wee!
Chosen One: Oh, dear.
Student: [the students are hanging upside down] We are both ventriloquists but now we're upside down. I swing a bit more.
Student: I swing a bit less
Chosen One: Master Tang I have traveled many miles to meet you.
Master Tang: How many miles? Would you say 10 million?
Master Doe: Please, I'm dying, you must listen to me. I fear the Chosen One may give up hope, this must not happen. The creature in his tongue, although a little disturbing, possesses great supernatural powers. Without Tonguey, the Council is invincible, they will come to Betty's aid. Do you understand that?
Master Tang: [Nods head up and down] No. I do not understand.
Chosen One: You have helped me reach the next level. And here I was starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho bitch.
Chosen One: I... will... not... be stopped... by a tiny little net.
[film starts running in reverse]
Chosen One: Just reverse the capture method, and yeah!
Whoa: Do it for your family, and so I can be in the sequel!
Mu Shu Fasa: Stars above, aliens, was I right or what? Oh, you have to open your mouth.
Ling: Please, stop. Wimp Lo sucks as a fighter, a child could beat him.
Chosen One: Well, I'm gonna count to three, and if I hear one more friggin' squeak, I'm gonna take his shoes, and shove em' up his...
Master Betty: I spanked you as a baby, and I'll spank you now BITCH.
Wimp Lo: Take a close look. 'Cause I rule, baby.
Chosen One: And who do you rule, the large-dark-nipple people?
[Chosen One kicks Wimp-Lo in the face. Wimp-Lo does a pose]
Wimp Lo: Ha! Face to foot style, how do you like it?
Chosen One: I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is: this is Earth.
Wimp Lo: Oh yeah? Then try my nuts to your fist style!
Chosen One: But that would just look stupid and leave my small, sensitive balls completely exposed.
[the intermission begins]
Master Betty: Go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda!
Ling: I hope they have Icees!
Chosen One: I have chosen the large tub.
Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds!
Master Tang: I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy!
[Betty has thrown a claw at Master Tang, the action freezes]
Master Tang: [voice over] Ok, so here were my options. (a), quickly duck left, dodge the claw and take him out with a spinning back kick, or (b), take the claw in the face, roll on the ground and die.
[action resumes, Tang gets hit with the claw]
Master Tang: Hmm, should have gone with (a).
Master Betty: [the Council appears out of the air] That's right! The Evil Council are *aliens*!
Chosen One: [speaker comes out of Council ship and plays French music] They're French.
Master Betty: Ha, ha! Stinky pits and all, baby!
Wimp Lo: Knock, knock. Who's there? Your butt that's about to be kicked!
Chosen One: His powers are greater than mine.
Mu Shu Fasa: Yes, plus when you got hit with his iron claw you DID scream like a wussy.
Master Tang: [after the movie] Hey, is someone going to come get me? There's, like, a hawk or something.
[a hawk is eating his leg]
Master Tang: Oh dear. That's not good. Uh, Mr. Hawk? Can you please stop eating my leg? Oh my.
[you can hear crew members laughing]
Master Tang: Hey! It's not funny! What's so - ? He's a predator, for crying out loud!
[screen fades to black]
Master Tang: Hey, just because the screen turned black, doesn't mean he's stopped. He's still eating me! I promise! Somebody get me a stick! Save the whales.
Narrator: So on he walked... and sometimes, drove... and occasionally, partied all night with the desert creatures.
Betty: Hmmm... memento.
Chosen One: [picking up two gophers and connecting them with cloth] I need gopher-chucks!
Master Betty: Feel my paralyzer
[paralyzes chosen one's right arm, then his left arm]
Master Betty: Say good night, floppy.
[knocks out chosen one]
Wimp Lo: Master! I was hoping one day I could be the Chosen One!