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Saving Silverman (2001) Poster

Quotes

Wayne: Okay, our enemy is wicked, so...

J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

Wayne: Damien.

J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.

Wayne: No! She is the Emperor!

J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits!

Wayne: Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl.

J.D.: Ah, yeah.

Wayne: She's a sweetheart.

J.D.: Dude, a saint.

Wayne: A goddess.

J.D.: A princess.

Wayne: 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.

J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.

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J.D.: Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.

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Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.

Judith: That's right.

Wayne: I'm in a related field.

Judith: Really? What is it?

Wayne: Pest and rodent removal.

Judith: How is that related?

Wayne: We both help people.

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Wayne: Dude!

J.D.: Dude!

Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door?

J.D.: I'm eatin'.

Wayne: So?

J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.

Wayne: Since when?

J.D.: Since always.

Wayne: I never knew that.

J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.

Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me?

J.D.: I got three balls.

Wayne: Shut up! God!

J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!

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J.D.: COME ON AH YEEEEEEEH-HA!

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[after Sandy has left with Wayne and J.D]

Mother Superior: Damn! Lost another one!

Nun: Son of a bitch.

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[Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums]

J.D.: She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.

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[Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren]

Wayne: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants.

J.D.: I thought his ass looked tighter!

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Coach Norton: Remember, boys! STAY AWAY from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! If you ever get the kind of urges that cannot be supressed by hard liquor, then use this!

[shows his right hand]

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[Darren has refused to stop seeing his friends or quit the band]

Judith: Ok, then. No more sex!

Darren: What?

Judith: You're not allowed to go down on me for a month!

[Darren is about to speak, but Judith cuts him off]

Judith: Don't *make me* take away your masturbation privileges!

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Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?

J.D.: Yes... No!

Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?

J.D.: Which man?

Judith: Any man!

J.D.: You mean like a tall man?

Judith: Sure, whatever!

J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!

Judith: What about a short man?

J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!

Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?

J.D.: Does that include celebrities?

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Coach Norton: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?

Wayne: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said.

Coach Norton: Good. How'd ya do it?

Wayne: We, um...

J.D.: Ate her...

Coach Norton: You ate her?

Wayne: Yeah, we ate her.

J.D.: Alive.

Coach Norton: My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.

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J.D.: Do you want a drink?

Judith: Scotch on the rocks.

J.D.: No problem. You want ice with that?

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Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.

Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls.

Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.

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Darren: I don't have much time, guys. I have to go home and wax Judith's legs.

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J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.

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J.D.: Fuck you, replacement-friends!

Wayne: Eat this, Fake Wayne!

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Coach Norton: When are you going to get hitched there, son?

J.D.: Actually I'm not, I'm GAY.

Coach Norton: Oh... me too!

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J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,

[making obscene gestures with his hands]

J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!

Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk.

J.D.: They do when they're off duty.

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J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember?

Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall...

J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body?

Sandy: Um...

J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong?

Sandy: No, JD, I really...

J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.

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Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?

Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining

J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?

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[after Wayne, Sandy, and Neil Diamond crashed and ruined Judith's wedding by getting Darren back with Sandy, Judith becomes enraged with anger by walking towards Wayne and smacks him with a chair]

Judith: [screaming] YOU RUINED MY LIFE!

Wayne: [Judith pulls Wayne's legs] Ah! But I saved Darren's!

Judith: Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough to hook up with YOU!

[Wayne yells and screams while throwing Judith to the aisle]

Wayne: Hey! Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me you liked it?

Judith: Yeah, you're right. I have a weakness for incompotent morons.

[Judith smacks Wayne in the mouth and one of his teeth come out his lips. Then Wayne does the same thing and Judith spits out the loose tooth]

Wayne: [choking each other] Admit it! Aah! I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need and you're the hardcore bitch I've always dreamed of!

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J.D.: Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!

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J.D.: She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.

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Darren: Hi, I'm Darren.

[Judith looks confused and unimpressed]

Darren: Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me.

Judith: He lied.

Darren: Haha, that's a good one.

Judith: No, seriously. I don't want to meet you.

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Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused.

J.D.: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me?

Wayne: NO!

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J.D.: Maybe she's a herm.

Darren: A what?

J.D.: Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.

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[approaching America Avenue]

Neil Diamond: Hey, we're coming to America.

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J.D.: You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!

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Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.

Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool.

J.D.: It's true!

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[in the R-rated version]

Wayne: [in the R-rated version] I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse

J.D.: It's true!

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[Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F']

Wayne: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.

[shows the fun levels large decline]

Wayne: [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B']

Wayne: Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.

[Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart]

Wayne: Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!

[Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart]

Wayne: This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!

J.D.: I'm chafing.

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Wayne: Dude, you don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.

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Darren: You're a lot stronger then you were in high school.

Sandy: Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.

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Coach Norton: [Watches a live feed of Judith locked up in the garage on the TV] What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show or something?

Wayne: [Nervously] Yeah.

Coach Norton: Wait a minute, that's the kidnap victim, ain't it? You didn't kill her.

Wayne: No, coach.

Coach Norton: I'm real disappointing in you boys. Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze.

Wayne: We can't, coach.

Coach Norton: [Notices Judith untying herself from the chair] FOR PETE'S SAKE! She's getting out! Go chop her head off or something!

Coach Norton: [J.D. and Wayne don't budge] There's no fight left in you! You're nutless! You've been pussified! Don't worry about a thing boys I'll take care of that broad.

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J.D.: Judy, awesome to meet you.

Judith: Jud-*ith*.

J.D.: Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?

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Darren: I love you too, Judith.

Sandy: Judith?

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Judith: It took balls. Big balls.

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[after seeing a hot woman in a bar]

Wayne: Carpe poon, man.

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J.D.: Isn't one-and-only supposed to be, like, one? And only?

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J.D.: Judith escaped.

Wayne: ...Dehrrrrrrrr.

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J.D.: What happened?

Judith: [Karate yell] Wah!

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Wayne: [when Darren is mourning] You promised Sandy you'd be there. You gave her your word.

Darren: I didn't even talk to her.

Wayne: O.K. I gave her your word.

Darren: Come on Wayne. When are you gonna forget about the idea that i'll go out with Sandy?

Wayne: When you go out with Sandy.

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Coach Norton: What is it that I always said?

J.D.Wayne: If you can dream it, you can do it.

Coach Norton: Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.

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[In the garage of his house, Wayne is chaining up Judith after she escaped]

Wayne: [Finishes] There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this...

[pulls out a Catcher's mask]

Wayne: this...

[puts the mask on Judith's face]

Wayne: this should keep you from biting.

Judith: How am I gonna eat?

Wayne: I've thought of that.

[Wayne shows Judith a jar filled with breakfast mash and a straw]

Judith: What is that?

Wayne: It's breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, uh, hash brown, pop tart, pureed.

Judith: [disgusted] I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana.

Wayne: A what?

Judith: A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.

Wayne: No, I'm not gonna get you one. If you don't wanna eat what I've made for you, then you can starve.

Judith: [freaks out] Why are you doing this?

Wayne: It's the only way to save our friendship.

Judith: [calms down] It doesn't seem like a friendship to me. It seems like you're in love with Darren.

Wayne: Bullshit!

[chuckles]

Wayne: I am so un-gay.

Judith: Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that you're straight. When the last time you've got any?

Wayne: That's none of your business.

Judith: So it's been years?

Wayne: I'm waiting for the right woman.

Judith: There is no right woman for you, Wayne. If my guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her and she's either killed herself or become a lesbian.

Wayne: [yells] Up yours!

Judith: Go to hell!

Wayne: Skank!

Judith: Eunuch!

Wayne: [screams] Stealer... of my FRIEND!

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[Wayne and JD have tried to convince Judith to leave Darren, unsuccessfully]

Judith: He's my puppet now. And I'm the puppet master.

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Coach Norton: So when are you getting hitched?

J.D.: Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.

Coach Norton: Me too.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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