Saving Silverman (2001)
Wayne: Okay, our enemy is wicked, so...
J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.
Wayne: No! She is the Emperor!
J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits!
Wayne: Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl.
J.D.: Ah, yeah.
Wayne: She's a sweetheart.
J.D.: Dude, a saint.
Wayne: A goddess.
J.D.: A princess.
Wayne: 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.
J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.
J.D.: Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.
Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
Judith: That's right.
Wayne: I'm in a related field.
Judith: Really? What is it?
Wayne: Pest and rodent removal.
Judith: How is that related?
Wayne: We both help people.
Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door?
J.D.: I'm eatin'.
J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.
Wayne: Since when?
J.D.: Since always.
Wayne: I never knew that.
J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.
Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me?
J.D.: I got three balls.
Wayne: Shut up! God!
J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!
[after Sandy has left with Wayne and J.D]
Mother Superior: Damn! Lost another one!
Nun: Son of a bitch.
[Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums]
J.D.: She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.
[Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren]
Wayne: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants.
J.D.: I thought his ass looked tighter!
Coach Norton: Remember, boys! STAY AWAY from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! If you ever get the kind of urges that cannot be supressed by hard liquor, then use this!
[shows his right hand]
[Darren has refused to stop seeing his friends or quit the band]
Judith: Ok, then. No more sex!
Judith: You're not allowed to go down on me for a month!
[Darren is about to speak, but Judith cuts him off]
Judith: Don't *make me* take away your masturbation privileges!
Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
J.D.: Yes... No!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
J.D.: Which man?
Judith: Any man!
J.D.: You mean like a tall man?
Judith: Sure, whatever!
J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!
Judith: What about a short man?
J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?
J.D.: Does that include celebrities?
Coach Norton: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?
Wayne: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said.
Coach Norton: Good. How'd ya do it?
Wayne: We, um...
J.D.: Ate her...
Coach Norton: You ate her?
Wayne: Yeah, we ate her.
Coach Norton: My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.
Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.
Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls.
Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
Darren: I don't have much time, guys. I have to go home and wax Judith's legs.
J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.
Coach Norton: When are you going to get hitched there, son?
J.D.: Actually I'm not, I'm GAY.
Coach Norton: Oh... me too!
J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,
[making obscene gestures with his hands]
J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!
Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk.
J.D.: They do when they're off duty.
J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember?
Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall...
J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body?
J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong?
Sandy: No, JD, I really...
J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.
Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?
Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining
J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?
[after Wayne, Sandy, and Neil Diamond crashed and ruined Judith's wedding by getting Darren back with Sandy, Judith becomes enraged with anger by walking towards Wayne and smacks him with a chair]
Judith: [screaming] YOU RUINED MY LIFE!
Wayne: [Judith pulls Wayne's legs] Ah! But I saved Darren's!
Judith: Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough to hook up with YOU!
[Wayne yells and screams while throwing Judith to the aisle]
Wayne: Hey! Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me you liked it?
Judith: Yeah, you're right. I have a weakness for incompotent morons.
[Judith smacks Wayne in the mouth and one of his teeth come out his lips. Then Wayne does the same thing and Judith spits out the loose tooth]
Wayne: [choking each other] Admit it! Aah! I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need and you're the hardcore bitch I've always dreamed of!
J.D.: Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!
J.D.: She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.
Darren: Hi, I'm Darren.
[Judith looks confused and unimpressed]
Darren: Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me.
Judith: He lied.
Darren: Haha, that's a good one.
Judith: No, seriously. I don't want to meet you.
Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused.
J.D.: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me?
[approaching America Avenue]
Neil Diamond: Hey, we're coming to America.
J.D.: You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!
Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.
Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool.
J.D.: It's true!
[in the R-rated version]
Wayne: [in the R-rated version] I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse
J.D.: It's true!
[Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F']
Wayne: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.
[shows the fun levels large decline]
Wayne: [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B']
Wayne: Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.
[Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart]
Wayne: Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!
[Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart]
Wayne: This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!
J.D.: I'm chafing.
Darren: You're a lot stronger then you were in high school.
Sandy: Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.
Coach Norton: [Watches a live feed of Judith locked up in the garage on the TV] What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show or something?
Wayne: [Nervously] Yeah.
Coach Norton: Wait a minute, that's the kidnap victim, ain't it? You didn't kill her.
Wayne: No, coach.
Coach Norton: I'm real disappointing in you boys. Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze.
Wayne: We can't, coach.
Coach Norton: [Notices Judith untying herself from the chair] FOR PETE'S SAKE! She's getting out! Go chop her head off or something!
Coach Norton: [J.D. and Wayne don't budge] There's no fight left in you! You're nutless! You've been pussified! Don't worry about a thing boys I'll take care of that broad.
Wayne: [when Darren is mourning] You promised Sandy you'd be there. You gave her your word.
Darren: I didn't even talk to her.
Wayne: O.K. I gave her your word.
Darren: Come on Wayne. When are you gonna forget about the idea that i'll go out with Sandy?
Wayne: When you go out with Sandy.
Coach Norton: What is it that I always said?
Coach Norton: Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.
[In the garage of his house, Wayne is chaining up Judith after she escaped]
Wayne: [Finishes] There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this...
[pulls out a Catcher's mask]
[puts the mask on Judith's face]
Wayne: this should keep you from biting.
Judith: How am I gonna eat?
Wayne: I've thought of that.
[Wayne shows Judith a jar filled with breakfast mash and a straw]
Judith: What is that?
Wayne: It's breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, uh, hash brown, pop tart, pureed.
Judith: [disgusted] I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana.
Wayne: A what?
Judith: A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.
Wayne: No, I'm not gonna get you one. If you don't wanna eat what I've made for you, then you can starve.
Judith: [freaks out] Why are you doing this?
Wayne: It's the only way to save our friendship.
Judith: [calms down] It doesn't seem like a friendship to me. It seems like you're in love with Darren.
Wayne: I am so un-gay.
Judith: Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that you're straight. When the last time you've got any?
Wayne: That's none of your business.
Judith: So it's been years?
Wayne: I'm waiting for the right woman.
Judith: There is no right woman for you, Wayne. If my guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her and she's either killed herself or become a lesbian.
Wayne: [yells] Up yours!
Judith: Go to hell!
Wayne: [screams] Stealer... of my FRIEND!
[Wayne and JD have tried to convince Judith to leave Darren, unsuccessfully]
Judith: He's my puppet now. And I'm the puppet master.