Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000 Video)
The Joker: You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away. New Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested and I'm ready to give this old town a wedgie again!
The Joker: Ah, the new boy. Ears are too long and I miss the cape. But not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.
Terry McGinnis: What can you tell me about clowns?
Barbara Gordon: In this town, they're never funny.
Batgirl: How could you help Joker do it, Harley?
Harley Quinn: Okay, so he roughed the kid up a little. But I'll make it right.
Batgirl: Yeah, you're Mother of the Stinkin' Year!
The Joker: [Batman puts the Joker in an arm lock] What are you doing?
Terry McGinnis: Fighting dirty.
The Joker: The real Batman would never -
[as Batman tightens his arm lock]
The Joker: Ooh!
Terry McGinnis: Told you you didn't know me.
The Joker: Funny guy...
Terry McGinnis: Can't say the same for you.
The Joker: Impudent brat... who do you think you're talking to?
Terry McGinnis: Not a comedian, I'll tell you that.
The Joker: [draws a laser pistol] Shut your mouth!
[fires at Batman]
Terry McGinnis: [retreats into the rafters] The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him.
[tossing a bat-arang, knocking the gun out of Joker's hand]
Terry McGinnis: Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
The Joker: Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out.
[hits the lights with a bat-arang, turning them off]
Terry McGinnis: The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
The Joker: I'm not hearing this...
Terry McGinnis: Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape... not that you ever had a good joke.
The Joker: Shut up... shut up!
Terry McGinnis: I mean, joy-buzzers, squirting flowers, lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
The Joker: Show yourself!
Terry McGinnis: You make me laugh. But only 'cause I think you're kinda pathetic.
[mimics the Joker laugh]
The Joker: Stop that!
Terry McGinnis: [still laughing] So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What? You couldn't get a job as a rodeo clown?
The Joker: [pulling out some grenades] Don't you dare laugh at me!...
Terry McGinnis: [laughs more] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
The Joker: YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!
[Throws the grenades, knocking Terry out of the rafters and onto the ground]
The Joker: [pulls off Terry's mask and begins choking him] HA HA HA! Come on McGinnis! Laugh it up now! You miserable little punk! LAUGH!
[Puts his face close to his]
The Joker: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Terry McGinnis: Ha... ha...
[reaches his hand, holding one of The Joker's electric hand buzzers, to the back of his neck and electrocutes him]
The Joker: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
[you briefly see a close up of the DNA microchip in his neck flying apart]
The Joker: [to Batman] You're welcome to try and stop us, but, heh-heh, I'm not taking bets on *that* happening anytime soon... Toodles!
Chucko: Lets go! Dee Dee, open the door!
Dee Dee: On the double!
[Batman tosses Joker out of the projection booth and slams him against a large building block]
Bruce Wayne: I'll break you in two...
The Joker: Oh, Batman, if you'd had the guts for that kind of fun, you'd have done it years ago! I, on the other hand...
[draws a switchblade, slashes Batman across the chest and stabs him in the leg. Batman falls down the pile of building blocks and hits the ground hard. Joker jumps down beside him]
The Joker: You've lost, Batman. Robin is mine. The last sound you'll hear will be our laughter.
[picks up the gun and tosses it to Robin]
The Joker: Here you go, sonny-boy! Make daddy proud! Deliver the punch line.
[Robin laughs. He pulls the trigger and the BANG flag pops out]
Bruce Wayne: Tim...
[Robin only continues to laugh]
The Joker: Do it!
[Robin turns and shoots the Joker, impaling him with the flag]
The Joker: That's not funny... that's not...
The Joker: Aren't you the nasty tattle-tale! Ratting me out before I've had my fun... Pappa spank!
The Joker: What's the matter, Batman? No witty comeback? No threat? Then I'll provide the narration...
[the screen flickers to life and "Our Home Movies" appears]
The Joker: I'll begin with how I peeled back the layers of the boy's mind. Oh, he bravely tried to fight it at first. You would've been proud to see him so strong.
[on the screen, the home video of Joker electrocuting Robin appears]
The Joker: But all too soon, the shocks and the serums took their toll, and the boy began to share such secrets with me. Secrets that are mine alone to know... Bruce. It's true, Batsy! I know everything. And kinda like the kid who peeks at his Christmas presents, I must admit, it's sadly anti-climactic. Behind all the sturm and bat-o-rangs, you're just a little boy in a playsuit, crying for mommy and daddy! It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic.
The Joker: Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway. HA HA HA HA HA HAA!
The Joker: [to Batman] If you don't like the movie, I've got slides.
The Joker: You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peaks.
Terry McGinnis/Batman: Maybe, but you don't know a thing about me.
The Joker: You? What's to know? You're a punk, a rank amateur, a costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man.
[rolls up his sleeves]
The Joker: Still, if it's a whuppin' you're a-wantin'...
[Batman runs towards the factory door]
The Joker: That's right. Better to run and save yourself. It's about your speed.
Terry McGinnis/Batman: [Batman pushes the lever upwards to close the door and then breaks off the lever and turns to face The Joker] Let's dance, Bozo.
The Joker: Adios, Brucie. I guess I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is I really did hate your guts.
[Blows raspberries at Bruce]
Jordan Price: You! Where's Amy?
Dee Dee: Missed the boat, I'm afraid!
[Price looks out the window and sees Amy tied to a pole]
Jordan Price: Turn the yacht around!
Chucko: Detox, bossman. We're here to talk business.
Ghoul: We'll be quick. Woof gets seasick easy.
[Woof walks in front of Ghoul looking nauseous]
Jordan Price: Our business is concluded.
[Batman flies to the window of the yacht and puts his finger on the window to listen in]
Jordan Price: I gave you the security codes so you could ransack the lab while those bunglers tried to kill Wayne.
Chucko: Word is Wayne's terminal anyhow.
Dee Dee: That means you get to stay top dog.
Dee Dee: And everyone's happy.
Jordan Price: So why are you here?
Chucko: The big guy who put us all in contact has decided you're a loose end.
Ghoul: And loose ends should be tied up.
Ghoul: [Jordan Price, seeing that they want to kill him, heads for the door, Woof gets in the way and sends Jordan Pryce to the opposite wall with a jump kick. Ghoul then handcuffs him to a table]
[Through an intercom]
Ghoul: Got him!
The Joker: Then amscray pronto, kiddies.
[Pushes a button on a control panel and you see a 30 second timer show on the panel]
The Joker: Things are going to start popping.
Chucko: Let's go!
Batman: [Batman breaks in through a window] No one's leaving until I get answers.
Chucko: [Ghoul breaks open another window with his pumpkin. Woof growls and prepares to attack, but Chucko stops him by giving him a light tug on the ear] No, you idiot, not now!
[They all jump out the window with Batman peering out and sees them leaving on hover cars, he is about to chase them when he sees a blue light appear from above. He runs back into the room]
Jordan Price: They're getting away!
[Batman breaks the handcuffs]
Batman: Yeah. And I think they've got a good reason.
Jordan Price: They're getting away!
Batman: Yeah, and I think they've got a good reason!
Batman: He's tough. Any suggestions, boss?
Bruce Wayne: Joker's vain and likes to talk, he'll try to distract you, but don't listen. Block it out and power on through.
Batman: Wait... I like to talk, too.
[after his interview with Drake]
Batman: Were all of you that bitter when you left?
Barbara Gordon: Comes with the territory, McGinnis. Look up Nightwing someday, has he got stories.
[while working on a communications array]
Timothy Drake: [not looking up] You might as well show yourself, I heard you coming a mile away.
Timothy Drake: I'm no Boy Wonder anymore, but that old training never goes away, even at my age.
Timothy Drake: Me and the others gave everything, but it just wasn't enough for the old man. I used to think, if I went on long enough, someday he'd retire and I'd... ah, the heck with it. Capes, costumes, bad guys - it was kid's stuff! Bruce probably did me a favor. By the end, I was so sick of it I never wanted to see that stupid Robin suit again...!
[He turns around, Batman is gone]
Timothy Drake: Some things never change.
[the Joker detonates a bomb, destroying a balcony and letting two bystanders dangle. As they yell for help, the Joker pops into his escape vehicle]
The Joker: Well, what's it gonna be, Bat-fake?
Timothy Drake: I owe you big time, kid.
Terry McGinnis: Forget about it.
Timothy Drake: For what it's worth, Bruce couldn't have picked anyone better to put on the mask.
Terry McGinnis: [smiles] Coming from you, that means everything.
Terry McGinnis: Where's the Joker?
Timothy Drake: Joker?
Terry McGinnis: Drop the act. I know you are working for him.
Timothy Drake: No. Joker's gone. I don't know where he is. Really.
Bruce Wayne: The suit's sensors aren't picking up any pulse fluctuations. He's telling the truth.
Timothy Drake: I don't do this anymore. I have a home and family. I gave this up years ago. Kid's stuff. That's all it was.
Terry McGinnis: He may be telling the truth but he's still whack.
Timothy Drake: Fun and games. Boy wonder playing hero. Fighting off bad guys and no one ever gets... oh god. I killed him. I didn't mean to. I tried so hard to forget. But I still hear the shot. Still see the dead smile. Every night the dreams get stronger... he's there when I sleep. Whispering! Laughing! Telling me that I'm as bad as he is! We're both the same!
Terry McGinnis: I'm calling an ambulance.
Timothy Drake: No. I'm all right. Forgive me Terry, old nasty memories twist inside me like bad oysters. Nothing, really. I'm perfectly fine now.
Terry McGinnis: How do you know my name?
Timothy Drake: There's nothing about you I don't know. Batfake.
[Throws the steel ball he's holding which turns into an electric claw and grabs Terry by the arm, Terry collapses to the ground, immobilized]
Bruce Wayne: Terry!
Timothy Drake: Have a time out. Kid. Can't let you spoil the party too soon. And Bruce, I'm sure you have got your monkey boy wired somehow. That's just peachy. Because I want you to see every minute of this. It's a killer.
[Laughs hysterically, holding his head, and after a while, becomes The Joker]
The Joker: [Takes off the lab coat, showing the purple tights underneath] Oh, I never get tired of that!
Terry McGinnis: Drake, you're The Joker?
The Joker: That flabby oaf doesn't realize I'm using him as a time share. Beneath this puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius years ahead of my time. In the weeks young Robin was under my tutelage, I used him as the subject of my greatest experiment. Using cutting-edge genetics technology which I pinched here and there, I encoded my DNA in a microchip and set it in Bird Boy's birdbrain.
Bruce Wayne: Terry, I've been thinking about something you once told me, and you were wrong. It's not Batman that makes you worthwhile, it's the other way around. Never tell yourself anything different.
Bonk: He's got us running around, ripping a bunch of geek junk, but no cash! He won't tell us what his plan is, if he even has one! I-want-out!
The Joker: If you insist.
[He raises a gun. The Jokerz gasp]
Bonk: Hey, man, take it easy... I-I was just kiddin'!
[Joker pulls the trigger, and everyone jumps. A BANG flag comes out of the gun]
The Joker: So was I!
[He chuckles, and all the Jokerz let out a sigh. As Bonk relaxes, Joker pulls the trigger again, and the flag-pole shoots out of the gun, impaling Bonk and poisoning him with Joker toxin]
The Joker: Oops! No, I wasn't! That's *also* how we did it my day!
The Joker: Don't you *dare* laugh at me!
Terry McGinnis: [laughing] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
The Joker: [screaming] You're not Batman!
Harley Quinn: You rotten little scamps! I struggle to make a good home for you and this is the thanks I get!
[whacks both Dee Dee's with her cane]
Harley Quinn: Break a grandmother's heart! I hope they throw the book at you!
Dee Dee: Oh, shut up, Nana Harley.
[after Bonk crashes while trying to operate a piece of machinery]
Dee Dee: He's really got a delicate touch, Dee Dee.
Dee Dee: Delicate like a moose, Dee Dee.
Terry McGinnis: [watching Jordan Price] Not every creep in Gotham wears a purple suit.
Barbara Gordon: It'd make my job easier if they did.
[Bruce Wayne is lying on the terrace floor, everything's covered in smoke. The Joker becomes more and more visible. Close-up of Bruce's wide eyes as he recognizes the Joker]
The Joker: HELLO GOTHAM!
[waving to the crowd]
The Joker: JOKER'S BACK IN TOWN! WHAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAH
The Joker: This is one of Uncle Sam's orbiting defense satellites. Hyperion-class, laser armed. Handy little gadget for shooting down unfriendly missiles, or giving somebody a world-class hotfoot!
[simulation of the satellite firing down on Gotham]
The Joker: Think of it as urban tagging on a grand scale, reminding all and sundry that *this* is Joker territory!
Terry McGinnis: I hate to say it but I think your little Robin's turned into a bitter old crow.
Terry McGinnis: Wait... Joker smashed up the cases. But why was this the only costume he went out of his way to destroy?
Bruce Wayne: Robin did shoot him.
Terry McGinnis: A ghost out for revenge? I don't buy it. I've talked with Drake. He's got less love for that costume than the Joker. I think somehow he's behind this.
Bruce Wayne: That's crazy.
Terry McGinnis: So was Drake, once. Look. Here's a readout of everything the Jokerz have stolen. Now let's combine them into something that would be used by a communications expert. Someone of Tim Drake's caliber.
Bruce Wayne: [the objects on the computer screen moves together into a strange device] Satellite jamming system. Whoever uses this can access satellite defenses and fire them at will.
Terry McGinnis: Someone already has. I suspected Jordan Pryce of being the Joker. But the Jokerz were on your company yacht trying to slag Pryce. I got him off the boat before someone blasted it into splinters. I hate to say it but I think your Robin has turned into a bitter old crow. He's gotta be the brains behind this new Joker. It's harsh. But who else is there?
[a batarang flies across the length of the Batcave, neatly decapitates a mannequin of Two-Face, and returns to Bruce's hand. Ace whines softly]
Bruce Wayne: Still got it.
[Woof confronts Batman, cackling]
[Ace rears out of the Batmobile, growling, and pounces on Woof, biting and clawing. Woof retreats in terror]
Batman: Good bad dog.
Terry McGinnis: It's funny. I know about all your other major enemies, but you never mentioned him. He was the worst, wasn't he?
Bruce Wayne: It wasn't a popularity contest. He was a psychopath. A monster.
Bonk: You got a death wish, Bats!
Batman: And here I thought I was just being a good citizen.
[while Bonk is choking Terry on the top of a speeding glider, Terry looks up and chokes something out]
Batman: [choked] Flag pole.
Bonk: What did you say?
Batman: [clearly] Flag pole.
[Bonk looks up and yells, just in time to get scraped off the glider's roof by a flag pole]
Bruce Wayne: It's not possible. He died years ago.
Terry McGinnis: You're SURE?
Bruce Wayne: I was there.
Terry McGinnis: [softly] You killed him... didn't you?
Bruce Wayne: [Bruce doesn't look at him]
Terry McGinnis: That was it, wasn't it? He was gonna do something so terrible, you had no other choice.
Barbara Gordon: With his final act of cruelty, the Joker had tainted us all with compromise and deception. I guess he really did have the last laugh after all.
Terry McGinnis: [to the Jokerz] It's a school night, boys and girls. I'm gonna have to call your folks.