Down to Earth (2001)
Lance Barton: My father's so cheap... that when we went to bed, he'd unplug the alarm clocks. "You can't tell time when you are asleep".
[after learning that he wasn't supposed to die]
Lance Barton: You killed me! You killed me! You killed me!
Lance Barton: Shut up before I crush you with my wallet!
Lance Barton: From now on, we need to make a new slogan. If you get shot in the head, you get a bed. If your head is bloody, we're your buddy.
Lance Barton: I had a hard enough time trying to get this girl as a rich white man. Do you know how hard it's gonna be to try to get her as a broke black man?
Mr. King: First, you make Frank Sinatra wait for a table...
Keyes: He didn't have a jacket.
King: HE'S FRANK SINATRA! HE CAN WEAR WHATEVER HE WANTS!
Lance Barton: Didn't your momma ever tell you to carry an extra handcuff key?
Lance Barton: Look, I don't have a problem with Sontee. I wanna ask her on a date.
Mrs. Wellington: Oh, Charles!
Lance Barton: Don't "Oh, Charles" me! You were gonna have sex on the pool table! You got an 8 ball in your ass!
Lance Barton: We're goin' in there. If you can walk, let's walk. If you can't walk, it's time to roll. If you have crutches, then crutch your ass in there!
Lance Barton: What is this place?
Keyes: This is heaven.
Lance Barton: Oh, right, I've had this dream before. Is Pac in there?
[after almost getting in a car accident]
Lance Barton: Sontee, you okay?
Sontee Jenkins: Yeah, I'm okay, Cisco, you okay?
Cisco: Yeah, I'm okay, Wanda, you okay?
Wanda: Hell no! I spilled my drink!
Lance Barton: [as Joe Guy, referring to Wanda's paint-stained coat] You know, your coat's bleeding.
Wanda: Mind yo' business!
Lance Barton: Tiger Woods Y'all, Tiger Woods Y'all!, Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods Y'all!
Lance Barton: When I was a kid, we were so poor... that the roaches was on welfare.
[Lance and King looking at Charles Wellington's body]
Lance Barton: How am I supposed to get laughs lookin' like him?
King: Aw, c'mon, he looks funny to me.
Lance Barton: I already get booed, do I really have to be beat down on it?
Lance Barton: If you're good looking, you're gonna succeed through life. If you're ugly, you better pick up a book. Boy, you better pick up two books, and a computer while you're at it!
Lance Barton: You see this foot? It's from a little town called "Rich Man's Ass" and it's getting' homesick!
Lance Barton: There's a big rap concert in the Bronx tonight. Somebody's gonna die.
Sklar: We'll kill her dog! Does she have a dog? We could get her a dog. We could kill it.
Lance Barton: Hey I still look like me.
King: You are you.
Lance Barton: I thought I was Wellington.
King: You are Wellington.
Lance Barton: Well thanks for clearing that up.
Lance Barton: I got hit by a truck, I got smashed by a car, I got shot. And now you want to take my soul? What are you, the Blair Witch?
Lance Barton: [As Charles Wellington, after offering Wanda a raise]
Lance Barton: Are you happy?
Wanda: I'm estatic.
[reincarnated for the second time as 'Joe Guy', Lance tries to hail a taxi, but they keep driving past him]
Lance Barton: I'm a black again! I'm a black man!
Lance Barton: You know, the first kiss is always in the middle of a sentence. It's always like, "Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo to see the monkeys and..."
Sontee Jenkins: Or it could be like..."Did you hear about that new war in Russia? I heard..."
Lance Barton: So I can call you, right? I mean, just to talk.