Norm MacDonald: I took acid the other day and my cock started singing to me... It was singing Joe Cocker songs.
Dennis Miller: Michael Jackson is set to marry Lisa Marie Presley this week. The difference in religion is not expected to be an issue since she's a Scientologist and he's a science experiment.
Dennis Miller: I saw hamlet at the Globe Theater. Notice I didn't say I heard it. Some asshole with a whooping cough was right behind me. Hey lung chunks, if you're sick, stay the fuck home!
Dennis Miller: O.J. Simpson was found not guilty for the murder of his wife and her friend. Hey, you think you're surprised? God lost twenty bucks!
Dennis Miller: [During the 1860 segment] In reaction to a federal law freeing the slaves, South Carolina announced today that it is succeeding from the union in order to maintain their slave-based economy. The announcement was made by South Carolina governor Strom Thurmond.
Dennis Miller: [His line for a picture of a 1970s era gas pump with signs saying "NO GAS" and "$3 LIMIT"] Frustrated at being unable to buy gas for third day in a row, Wallace decided it was time to see if an AMC Pacer would run on hangover pee!
Dennis Miller: [His line for a picture of about 4 soldiers looking down into a fox hole] Private Smith has been caught masterbating in his fox hole before, but never like this.
Dennis Miller: Why is it called the European "theatre"? It isn't like the good seats are up front, aren't they.
Dennis Miller: [His line for a picture of Joseph McCarthy appearing to have just blown his nose and the Kleenex is still close to his face] "Hiya, little booger. Are you a communist?"