- Prince of Pride: [while being electrocuted by Bibleman] ... This almost feels good!
- [he explodes]
- Narrator: [Opening Credits] Miles Peterson... A man who had it all: wealth, status, success. But still, something was lacking. Miserable, alone, his spirit beaten, Miles Peterson gave up. Then, in his darkest hour, the words of a single book began to change his life. At last, Miles Peterson felt the burning desire to know God. Inspired by the Word of God, and equipped with unyielding faith, Miles pledged to fight evil in the name of God... as BIBLEMAN! And just when he had nothing to live for, he found the Power of God!
- Prince of Pride: [during a Spirit-Sword battle] ... You've got to be kidding!
- Bibleman: I'm a man in spandex. Do I *look* like I'm kidding?
- Bibleman: Pride and destruction go together like liver and onions, or toenails and cheese... like Sonny and Cher or Donny and Marie... like finding a band-aid in your salad, or drinking goat's milk with a head-cold.
- Bibleman: [voice-over narration] I've been fighting my most difficult spiritual battle... I'm speaking softly, because it's much more dramatic... I'm supposed to be a leader, and yet I continue to... Wow, I guess I really *do* need prayer.
- Bibleman: ...I think that you're being attacked by fear, and I'm not surprised - because you're a leader, and the enemy wants to stop you. But you don't have to listen to them.
- U.N.I.C.E.: [With UNICE's help, Bibleman has just disintegrated two laser-wielding villains] ... That was exciting. We should do things like this more often. It was fun!
- Bibleman: No, UNICE. Our only concern should be doing God's will. Violence is never fun. Although I must admit it *would* make a perfect example for our comic book.
- Prince of Pride: I'm the Admiral of Arrogance, the Dean of Disdain, the Sultan of Smudge! I'm just too cool for my own good, baby!
- Prince of Pride: I'm supposed to make people think about themselves instead of God. But that won't leave me any time to think about ME, and make myself look good.
- Prince of Pride: [on the Bibleman TV series] That's the most hysterical thing about this whole show: We villains *never win!* We spend all that money on these costumes and this makeup, and Bibleman always beats us every single time!
- Cypher: [on Bibleman's new comic book] Man, you look larger than life!
- Bibleman: Yeah, I know. But that's the problem. These sketches draw attention to me instead of focusing on God. They should draw attention to Him. If I look too good, then that's bad, because people might get the wrong idea and think that I think I'm more important or something. I want to stay humble through this whole thing.
- Prince of Pride: ...If it's worth doing, it's worth OVER-doing!
- Cypher: ...So, got any faults you wanna showcase in next week's issue of our comic book? Wrath? Envy? Lust? Gluttony? Avarice? Sloth?
- Bibleman: Oh, I wouldn't want to draw all the attention to myself. I think we should probably focus on *your* faults.
- Cypher: No. We gotta give UNICE her due. UNICE... you wanna check your database for any spiritual deficiencies?
- U.N.I.C.E.: That will not compute. I'm too tired. Think I'll go crash.
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): [to the camera] ... Do you remember this guy? He used to be, like, a different villain. But he wasn't really good as a bad guy, so he's gotta do it all over...
- Dr. Fear: That's not it at all! I've simply graduated to a higher degree of evil.
- Dr. Fear: ...Bibleman talks big now, but he won't talk so big when I start pushing his buttons!
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): Hey, pushing buttons? That isn't how you scare people. What you need is to watch some of their old sitcoms! Here's a creepy one; it's about this college guy, who's also a nanny! And the scariest part is, he's got this stupid sidekick...!
- ["Charles In Charge" theme plays; Doc Fear switches it off]
- Dr. Fear: Give me that! *I'll* pick the program; *you* make the popcorn!
- Coats (Marc Wayne): [at the Schatzville High "Clean Is Cool" Swing Dance] ... Too bad Miles has to miss all the fun.
- [winks at Bibleman]
- Coats (Marc Wayne): Sure you guys couldn't pull off a quick switch in the phone booth?
- Bibleman: Get thee behind me, Coats. I'm not Superman, you know. But at least kryptonite won't faze me.
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): ...Why do you call that thing a *panic button?* Cause, I mean, it's not really scary. And where'd you get it, Radio Barn?
- Dr. Fear: What do you mean, *not scary?* This isn't some cheap video prop. This is a state-of-the-art sinister device! And, if you must know, I got it from the *lowest* authority.
- L.U.C.I.: ...For your information, *I* am only a DIGITAL link; whereas *you* are the MISSING Link!
- Dr. Fear: Oh, stop it; you're cutting into my screen time!
- Dr. Fear: [winking at the camera] ... Okay, it's time for our gratuitous explanation. Wanna tell the audience how this works?
- Dr. Fear: [on the "Bibleman" TV series] ... Personally, I'd rather watch Barney.
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): ...Tragedy! Brand-new, state-of-the-art underworld equipment. And it's already on the fritz! They just don't make sinister devices like they used to.
- Doctor Fear: ...Presenting the Battle of the Ages! Brought to you by the Undisputed King of Evil! In this corner, wearing those tacky purple tights, our lightweight: Bibleman! *Let's get ready to RUMBLE!*
- Bibleman: ...Hey, you used to be another villain - didn't you?
- Doctor Fear: Yes, but I'm trying something new.
- Bibleman: ...For a guy who just reinvented himself, you sure don't fight any better.
- Doctor Fear: Hey, *you* used to be on other shows; nobody's making fun of YOU!
- Bibleman: That's because those shows were *network;* this is HOMEVIDEO.
- [winks at the camera]
- U.N.I.C.E.: You have trouble giving credit where it's due! Your mouth is bigger than your head.
- Coats: Oh, now wait a minute! That's not fair. My head is *way* bigger!
- U.N.I.C.E.: I concur.
- Coats: [realizes he's been tricked] No, wait a minute! I DON'T MEAN THAT! I...!
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): [the Shadow of Doubt breaks through a brick wall] Excuse me, Mr. Shadow? You don't really need this because it's just a video prop. And those bricks aren't real. So you don't have to break through; you can just walk around.
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): I know all that. I do it for effect, to be scarier!
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): It really wasn't that scary...
- [the SOD glares at him]
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): ... You want me to hush up now, right?
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): Ludicrous! Get in here!
- [He does]
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): Now get off my foot.
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): You should consider making yourself into a hologram. My friend Rick, he wrote this program about that; it's very feasible with today's computers.
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): Look, you big oaf, I'm a villain! I don't need a hologram of myself. Example: sinister laugh.
- [He lets out a sinister laugh]
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): There! Now stay out of sight, or you'll ruin a good fight scene.
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): Surprise, Bible-broom!
- Bibleman: I never was one for surprises, especially ones with rotten teeth. You really should floss, you know...? Fallen angels are hardly entertaining. And now a word from my sponsor.
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): [He disarms B-man] Goodbye. Farewell. Parting is such a pain in the neck.
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): ...Just one last dose of my Doubt Toxins and B-B-Bibleman will be b-b-begging for mercy!
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): [to the audience] See, in actuality, Mr. Shadow doesn't stutter. It was supposed to be a joke, but it really wasn't that funny.
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): Ludicrous! Out of the way! You're ruining the shot! Thank you!... And now for my Acme "Instant Minions." Don't leave Hades without them!
- [to Bibleman]
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): Hi! May I help you? Today's special is Faith Fricassee, smothered in a lovely Cajun Doubt Sauce...! Missed me, missed me; now you gotta - never mind.
- Miles Peterson: What's the one common factor between that little girl and me?
- Coats: You're both short?
- Miles Peterson: Besides that... If we trust our feelings at the moment, then we can be tricked. That's what happened to Kyla and me... Well, we've got work to do.
- Coats: *We?*
- Miles Peterson: Well, if you want me to have all the fun...
- Coats: No, I'm there.
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): ...Those minions of yours, do they really have to go through all that smoke-and-sparks stuff?
- Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons): No, they just do it because it looks cool in the video.
- L.U.C.I.: [Wacky Protester plans to infiltrate the nation's most popular children's TV show with his own live satellite feed] This is hilarious!
- Mr. Funky: Good morning, good morning! It's Saturday morning! And you know what time it is. Time for MR. FUNKY'S WILD TIME! Rise and shine! Before we go and visit Schnooky and Bubbles, I want all you kids to... jump up and down, scream as loud as you can, and run around the TV. Do exactly as Schnooky and Bubbles do.
- [an animated bear and dog chase each other, and beat each other up]
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Oh, it is so clever!
- L.U.C.I.: It's the #1 children's show in the nation.
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Well, I'm not surprised. It's so influential, so powerful...! I just got a brilliant idea! I could make my own show. Or take over this one. By using my multi-digital 24-track plasma-digitizing set, with a side of bleu cheese, I could control what Mr. Funky says and does.
- L.U.C.I.: In other words, you're going to put words in Mr. Funky's mouth and nobody will know the difference?
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Exactly! *My* Mr. Funky is going to tell children that authority figures are nothing but a bunch of fuddy-duddies, who are out there just to make sure nobody has any fun.
- L.U.C.I.: Oh, this sounds good.
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Just imagine a nation of lying, self-willed, disobedient, rebellious, out-of-control brats! Not to mention their children.
- L.U.C.I.: This could get out of control.
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Bingo. That's the plan.
- Biblegirl: Maybe we need a lesson in Christianity 101.
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Look, they're having a spat.
- [Meaning Bibleman, Biblegirl and Company]
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): This is the best reality television show that I've ever seen. You know what? I should air this.
- L.U.C.I.: Yeah, you'd get great ratings. We could call it BIBLE RIVALS.
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Or how about... CHRISTIAN CONFLICTS?
- L.U.C.I.: Or what about... SCHISM?
- L.U.C.I.: ...I have an idea.
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Silence! I'm thinking.
- L.U.C.I.: I was just gonna suggest...
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): I don't need your suggestions right now.
- L.U.C.I.: Why don't you just infiltrate?
- Wacky Protester (Jef Scott): Wait, I told you... I don't... What... Wait. Hold on a second... Wait. Why don't I just infiltrate. Oh, I have such brilliant ideas!
- L.U.C.I.: Your brilliance puts me to shame.
- Bibleman: Biblegirl, I've made modifications to your weapon.
- Biblegirl: What are they?
- Bibleman: It's a molecular-ion/fusion-blaster.
- Biblegirl: Okay... What's it do?
- Bibleman: It blasts fused molecules. And remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an ion.
- Biblegirl: In other words, it blows things up. Cool.
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): ...Something smells, dude.
- Prince of Pride: Maybe it's because we live in a sewer.
- Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford): ...Dude, you're so full of yourself!
- Prince of Pride: Thank you!