The Invisible Man (2000–2002)
Darien Fawkes: By the way, I want my tombstone to say, "Too late, he's already dead." You know, just in case more people show up wanting to screw my life over.
The Keeper: It is my job to keep you safe.
Darien Fawkes: "That's a bunch of crock. You care about me like you care about that rat."
Darien Fawkes: From now on, the glass is half full.
The Keeper: Much better.
Darien Fawkes: Unfortunately, it's filled with blood.
Darien Fawkes: The Scottish philosopher Balfour said that destiny is the scapegoat we make responsible for our crimes. He was probably right, too, but I bet he was real dull at parties.
The Keeper: When you're invisible, the only one really watching you is you.
Darien Fawkes: Wow. How about you print that out and put it on a key chain for me.
Darien Fawkes: A great 20th century philosopher, Charles Schulz, once had Linus observe that "Big sisters are the crabgrass on the lawn of life." I guess the same could be said of big brothers.
Darien Fawkes: Hey, could you explain something to me? Now that I can go invisible, I can't be let out of sight! Now how does that make sense?
The Keeper: You see, it doesn't have to. When you're invisible, the only person who can truly watch you is yourself.
Darien Fawkes: Wow, could you print that up and put that on a keychain for me?
Darien Fawkes: You're in the spy business and you don't have a safe house?
The Official: It was either a safe house or the electric bill.
[Voice-over during theme]
Darien Fawkes: There once was a story about a man that could turn invisible. I thought it was only a story until it happened to me. You see, there's this stuff called quicksilver that bends light. My brother and some scientists made into a synthetic gland and that's where I come in. You see, I was facing life in prison, so we made a deal, they put the gland in my brain, I walk free. The operation was a complete success, but that's where everything started to go wrong.
Darien Fawkes: Being blackmailed by the government really gets a guy in touch with his emotions.
Darien Fawkes: A patriot poet, Walt Whitman, once sang, 'Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.' This from a guy who was in love with his own smell. He contained multitudes of stank.
Darien Fawkes: A lady once asked famous painter and momma's boy James Whistler if he thought genius was hereditary. His answer was basically, 'I don't know. Never had any kids.'
Darien Fawkes: They say, 'He who sups with the Devil needs a long spoon.' I was making dinner reservations for two...
Darien Fawkes: I've learned a lotta things since I started working with Bobby Hobbes. The names of all the most popular anti-depressants for starters.
Darien Fawkes: Look I'm telling you, this thing they put in my head. I think it's evil, and I think it's trying to take over.
The Keeper: It's a bio-synthetic gland. It's not evil.
Darien Fawkes: "Would it be possible for you to look at me while we're talking?
[the Keeper turns to face Darien]
The Keeper: The gland secretes the quicksilver that makes you invisible, but it also spikes your epinev...
Darien Fawkes: ...levels which causes the violent behavior.
The Keeper: Yeah, that.
Darien Fawkes: Well it also turned me into a walking time bomb.
The Keeper: Well, if you get your shots of counteragent you won't go off.
Darien Fawkes: Which brings us back to square one. I need a shot.
Darien Fawkes: There's an old saying: "Every man is a genius until he opens his mouth." I decided to save Hobbes the trouble.
Albert Eberts: Great news, Robert. I was able to pull a few strings and managed to get you your very own staple remover.
Robert Hobbes: That's great. You know, I'm a highly trained, decorated field agent, Eberts. I could kill a man right now with my bare hands.
Albert Eberts: But can you collate?
Albert Eberts: I couldn't help but notice that mark on your chin.
Robert Hobbes: Oh, right there. Yeah. Uh-huh. Bar fight in Madrid. A couple of Basque separatists took exceptions to my political views. Of course, I may have said something about soccer being the world's most boring sport.
Albert Eberts: Zero-to-zero after four hours? I fail to understand its appeal.
Albert Eberts: Sir, may I have permission to go to the file room?
The Keeper: Albert, we're less than twenty-four hours from being vaporized and you want to finish up paper work?
Robert Hobbes: Leave him be. It comforts him.
Robert Hobbes: I have met three presidents. I have captured terrorists. I deserve to die in action, Eberts, not just to be filed away!
Albert Eberts: What you regard as inconsequential dental forms are in fact more, much more.
Robert Hobbes: Oh God.
Albert Eberts: They are in fact symbols, symbols of America. When all the world will little note, nor longer remember what we have done today in these hallowed halls, I tell you this with no degree of uncertainty that forms filed in triplicate are the very foundation of democracy. Why do we file, Robert, why? One word... Freedom.
Robert Hobbes: One of my shrinks once said this to me, heal the past, live for the present, dream of the future.
The Keeper: Did you have to drop this on the ground, Darien?
Darien Fawkes: I was on my way to get a breakfast Burrito when I pulled a rat skeleton out of my pocket. What did you want me to do? Hug him? Pet him? Call him George?
Darien Fawkes: The U.S. Postal Service promises that 'Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays their couriers from their swift completion of their appointed routes'. But gunfire?... Now, I found that that tends to bring most routines to a screeching halt.
Darien Fawkes: A babe named Princess Diana once said that 'If men had to have babies, they would only have one'. Truer words were never spoken.
Darien Fawkes: George Orwell said that 'Myths which are believed in, tend to become true'. Now, I've never been big on belief, but I believe in something now. That a big chunk of myth is locked inside my head. Yeah, I figure that makes me about two percent myth, myself. Two percent of everything people disregard, disbelieve and secretly hope is real.
Darien Fawkes: Leo Tolstoi , he once observed that 'All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way'. Which made my family about as unique as it gets. Eh, what little was left of it.
[Final quote of final episode]
Darien Fawkes: Ray Bradbury said, 'I don't try to describe the future. I try to prevent it'. Eh, I figured it was time I took that kind of control.
Darien Fawkes: Time out! How'd you know I was here?
Thug: My spidey sense was tingling.
[Darien is sick]
Darien Fawkes: Those three wise men known as The Beastie Boys have been known to say "Let's get ill!"
Darien Fawkes: Screw them.
Darien Fawkes: They say necessity is the mother of invention. And when the necessity is survival, she can be one mean mother. Of course, it is her child, invention, who is the really dangerous one.
Allianora: [the Official steps into the padded cell]
[without even looking at him]
Allianora: Before we start, I'm totally inoculated against the "Alice in Wonderland" technique, as well as the Wexler-Mendelson sensory deprivation. And please don't waste my time with the Stemler-Rochet debilitary. Okay?