Season:
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3
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unknown
Year:
1999
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2000
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2001
10 September 1999Roos is about to give birth while the Swift Boys discover a refugee hiding at the soccer club.
17 September 1999Johnny is in financial trouble when he has to pay his subscription and the gravestone for Pa Meeuwse.
24 September 1999The Swift Boys have to play a German team.
1 October 1999For the sake of Fair Play (and a sum of money that can be won), Swift Boys will be playing another Fair Play team.
8 October 1999On their way to play PVCDW the Swift Boys get lost.
22 October 1999A journalist (Heyman) has written an appalling article about Swift Boys. The Swift Boys want rectification and Jos Heyman agrees to play a game with the Swift Boys.
29 October 1999Mark has a problem: He has to take care of his son Rikkie and he has to play a game against the Poldervogels.
5 November 1999Peter is running for chairman of Swift Boys.
12 November 1999The Swift Boys need an extra player and Johnny's cousin Roy volunteers.
19 November 1999The mates go to Bram's home when none was called as usual, and discover a birthday party is going on, in a style making clear they didn't know in 15 years he's actively gay. After grudgingly coming to terms with Bram's former closet gay-silence, they get another surprise; the party was a surprise from his new boy-friend, Philip, who rides an equally beautiful horse and has an almost magical way with wives, pets, even the soccer mates themselves are soon all won over by his charm and helpful gifts like 'bunny whispering', but Bram feels Philip joining the soccer team would invade an established vital part of his life...
26 November 1999Despite standing in line for six hours, Bram failed to get England-Holland cup match tickets, so the Swift Boys ask the chairman a meeting with a black market trader, but they turn his offer down when hearing Wim's wife Anja has won six VIP tickets in a radio contest. Alas she intends to take only gay Filip and four 'other' soccer wives, causing the boys to try flattery, soccer quizzes and fury, all in vain: Wim has to apologize and pay double again, then bid against their own chairman which ups the price to 1,0OO guilders, a dirty trick. Wim gives the girls a ride but switches the tickets, yet the boys get a cold shower and manage to make it even worse...
3 December 1999Once again, Mark has cheated on Roos. This time with her mother.
10 December 1999
6 December 2000It's that time of the year when captain Bram must call everyone to 'remind' them of paying for membership, while they wine about receiving the club newsletter. When the chairman insists to get the whole arrear paid before the Swiftboys are allowed to play, just now they have their first chance ever to win a season against their arch-rivals the Poldervogels, Peter is prepared to advance the small fortune. Willem has a weekend from hell: his wife Anja hounds him not just in their garden center as usual but insists he keeps his promise to drive her and their offspring to the beach, despite the horrible traffic cue; once there, he can't handle missing out on the crucial game, and cycles all the way back. The mates were agreeing to chuck the soccer in altogether, but Willem refuses to see all his sacrifices go wasted, and plays the game of his life, only not just the way he meant...
Season 2, Episode 2: Bullie
13 December 2000
20 December 2000Now Willem died between the goal posts, Peter and Mark interview potential new keepers, without much luck, so Peter invests in professional equipment- alas he proves even less gifted then Willem... Meanwhile gay Bram tries to keep Willem's garden center running, with rather inept help from friendly philosopher Hero -who feels too tenderly for the 'sensitive' plants- and Paul -who gives Dutch arithmetics an even worse name- but also discovers he's the unexpected ideal surrogate for Willem's offspring and even for widow Anja, which Mark soon guesses. Anja considers returning to Suriname, Bram even switching careers from his law firm to her garden center...
27 December 2000Hid widow Anja tells Willem's last wish is to have his ashes distributed over the 'holy grass' at Duch premier league club PSV, so the Swift Boys head for Eindhoven, in the southern province Northern Brabant. They manage to get in masquerading as some of PSV's newly recruited foreign players, but first get lost in the huge stadium, then can't get Willem's urn open and when they finally have a tool... Back home, Nemo manages in one day to loose the ball, forget about the gas so his home burns down and cause the glass cups display window to fall to pieces; ruffian Johny takes his mate in, helps him make a new display case and makes a cocky pass at whorish club canteen waitress Nadja, who keeps him in check by blatant threats of genital mutilation, yet falls for gentle Nemo and his weed, even agreeing to take their cloths off, which reveals her to be an ex-con under electronic surveillance...
3 January 2001
10 January 2001
17 January 2001The soccer team needs a substitute referee but can't find anyone, so drawing lots decides on ruffian Johnny, who proves extremely tough on his bumbling mates, who are unamused- until he brutally punishes opponent Van Lieshout's insult 'blind queer' by KO head-but. Van Lieshout brings his injury and concussion in court. Bram accepts to defend the power-abusing hooligan. Paul has started a career as party clown- alas amusing no children, and arrives as 'crown witness' in costume after proceedings which mainly accumulated anger with the presiding judge over Bram's inexperience in criminal matters, with a for some amusing outcome...
Season 2, Episode 8: Fluitvader
24 January 2001Bram is startled his ma wants to hire his legal services- to divorce his dear dad, which she says 'came out of the closet' after 35 years of respectable marriage, yet Bram counsels not to rush things. The soccer boys wouldn't listen to chairman Joop Van Riethoven, but the hormones-held hounds sit up when he makes parole-con Nadja order them to turn up Sunday looking their best for a potential new sponsor- Mr. Van Zon, who runs a solarium. Johnny and Nemo eagerly go claim free tan-treatments, but refusing to let really rude bitch Nadja go first proves a peculiarly painful mistake... Bram's dad Theo asks to stay with him, being kicked out at home, only now learns about ma's divorce project and accepts to resume his experience as the Swiftboys' trainer and as referee, but Bram scolds him for groping his cheerfully ignorant mates without outing himself; alas when Theo does it's much queerer then Bram himself, and embarrassing, but dad demands the same loyalty as he showed all Bram's happy youth long...
Season 2, Episode 9: Tasjesdief
31 January 2001
Season 2, Episode 10: Therapie
7 February 2001The therapist Roos is seeing because she feels neglected by Mark wants to observe the Swift Boys.
14 February 2001Gentleman Peter made the fatal mistake to live together with overbearing hag Maartje, who just threw another tantrum over a futility and literally trashed his compulsively neat apartment, yet when she apologizes he offers her a lift to her mother's. Snooping in his car she finds out a packet containing a beauty-case, which Bram made him buy on sale as birthday gift for ex-con Nadja, who meanwhile pretty literally throws the other mates' flirtatious gifts back in their faces, gross as always- then locks them out in their underwear and takes off by motorbike, soon bumping into Roos, who is pissed-off after finding the edible lingerie Mark packed for Nadja. Maartje draws all the wicked wrong conclusions, as if poor Peter were a sordid philanderer, steals his car keys and locks him in it. The other angry goats gang up, and come up with a way to really hurt him: vandalizing his beloved car. Thanks to Nadja's ankle tracking device, the Swift boys locate her and catch up...
21 February 2001The girls and Bram's gay partner Ben prepare an original, major celebration as the swift Boys are finally about to play champion, unless they lose badly in the last game- alas against the ruffian Poldervogels, who recur to giant Henk again as secret weapon. So sweet but utterly inept Nemo is lied to it's a home-game, yet by the time he finds the out-field is hoped for as mates were carried off injured massively. Meanwhile the chairman has heard he may be personally held liable for damages caused by the club, and decides to sell it, so he shows off the 'future champions' to popular singer André Hazes, a former member. The Swift Boys' loss that day is just not enough to decide the title either way, so it comes to penalties...
25 September 2001The team has found a new player, Berrie, a driving instructor with a heavy southern accent and laid-down mentality. The chairman eagerly installs a notice for his private parking spot, which is cheerfully ignored by the players, but also by a posh outsider, Barrie Mens, chairman of an exclusive golf club which is moving into the neighboring land, but crushes his foot to make the 'suit' move his superior car. The Swift Boys are startled to find a soccer league program got the Poldervogels to anglicize their name into Lowland Birds and turn sissy. The chairman first enlists the boys to chase the golfers, cursing when they seem to fraternize instead, but by the time they're brushed off Nadja has changed his mind, as rich neighbors spell rich pickings...
2 October 2001When he learns the team is celebrating its '75th lustrum' (actually a 5-yearly anniversary), Johhny decides to organize a lottery with Nemo, permitted by the chairman provided the club gets 75% of the profits. Johhny's plan is to be stingy on prizes, but on top of inexperience and his un-Dutch poor commercial flair -Nemo has some sales talent, no drive- they lack capital to actually purchase any prizes, so they only present photos of the prizes they intend to buy once the profits are in, but don't sell nearly enough tickets, the cheapest of which are fl.50, just too expensive for most players and supporters....
9 October 2001After an office row with his boss, Mark impulsively gives his notice and decides to start his own firm: delivering breakfasts on bed, ordered by Internet. Roos's suspicions about his managerial skills prove justified, as he convinces his two unemployed soccer mates to become his bumbling, yet paid deliverers, as Nemo can't stay awake in the morning and test client Peter experiences the hard way Johnny has a worse bedside manner then a charging rhinoceros. Nevertheless when bitchy ex-con Nadja is hired in the inept duo's place, their mates all consider this treason demanding pay-back, so Berrie thinks one up which starts with copying Mark's credit card number....
16 October 2001When Nemo tells his new girlfriend Renée wants him to keep his hands to himself till they know each-other better but is all over his body, they suppose it must be a cross-dresser. Mark feels a wreck without sex or a job, but revives when the club is visited by Austrian producer-director Romek Spandau, who is looking for healthy Dutch jocks as actors, 1,5000 Euros an hour. Mark, Peter, Berrie and Johnny are selected but hesitate when Berrie remembers the Tyrolian is famous for porn, accept though hearing Nadia is among the female cast. On the set however, watched by Bram and suspicious Roos from outside, the four are joined by the fat chairman and find out the script is not at all what they expected...
Season 3, Episode 5: Oud zaad
23 October 2001Two American drug dealers hold the showering Swift Boys at gunpoint because they want to know where Willem is.
Season 3, Episode 6: GRLPWR!
30 October 2001The chairman has no luck finding an experienced volunteer to train a new soccer team- until the Swift boys' horny ears hear the words 'girls team' - suddenly they fall all over each-other for the job, which is wisely given to gay captain Bram, but when he is prevented by court business, Johnny and Berrie -who even turned down three paying driving school clients- both take the field, to dazzle the girls with a nasty display of dirty tricks. A black female referee says soccer is a man's game, so no sissy wining about the adversaries painful knocks and kicks even right under her nose, yet Johnny manages to make her draw a red card- so the violent coward gives poor gentleman Peter's name; being innocent, he calls all mates as witnesses at the formal sanction proceedings at the Dutch soccer league KNVB, including Johnny, who believed it to be about another matter... When both boys - and girls team are without competition adversary, the chairman organizes them to take the field, under the eyes of the jealous wives, and in flirtatious top-scorer Mark's case that means the mean tricks used by the girls players are followed by his own sweetheart Roos's, heartlessly and hardly sweet...
6 November 2001Peter is tricked by foxy younger colleague Tineke Robertson into driving her home, checking for burglars, choosing a color, zipping her dress, bringing her bag to find her naked and willing, but runs away to Mark, who hates being forced by Rose into role-playing each-other as marriage therapy and sees no problem in encouraging cheerful infidelity, even goes so far as to invite her to the club. Nemo is prepared for his drivers test by roommate Johnny and professional instructor Berrie, but can only control his test-stress with weed, which works at the theory exam, but causes a crash at the practical. He also plays a part in allowing hag Maartje to surprise innocent Peter naked with vamp Tineke all over him in the showers, however...
13 November 2001Nemo's unemployment allowance is cut after proof of cohabitation is found, the soccer mates only pretend to give him job advice and application training. Peter finds lazy Nemo's natural talent: medical guinea-pig, for which house-mate Johny believes to be lazy enough too. Roos's 'interest injection therapy' makes her shout at the soccer mates by the field, to their anger and some physical pain, and forces Mark to wast words on her body just when soccer is on TV, but the anatomical truth isn't appreciated at all, so he also comes sleep in the test clinic. The trio enjoys lying in bed pampered by nurses, but soon discover they're not just stripped for sponge-baths but subjected to painful rear-medication, waxing, skin-irritants... Being forbidden to leave for weekly soccer, the louts decide to escape...
20 November 2001
Season 3, Episode 10: Big Soccer
27 November 2001Once more only ten other players turn up, so Bram plays despite a hurt ankle- and wounds it so badly he must be taken to ER, for which only Mark volunteers, in order to dodge Roos's monthly 'shopping Sunday', a desertion she doesn't forgive... Bram's pain turns into bliss when he exchanges loving glances with sweet, hunky male nurse Henri, an ideal dating partner he soon shares the bed with. Meanwhile Berrie and Johny come up with a 'golden' idea: a Big Brother-like TV format on the team, 'Big Soccer', which Paul suggests to spike with some nude they would like to see: nasty Nadja in the shower, so they willingly soil her, but have trouble with the hidden cameras the greedy chairman permitted them to install, a job alas left to bumblers Johnny and Nemo...
4 December 2001One of the Swiftboys' Sunday football pleasures is verbally abusing the referee, but this time a member of the Dutch Soccer League's disciplinary committee actually takes offense to their reported use of terms like son of a whore and blind queer, so - he has a blind, gay twit delivered by his ma, a cheap hooker, for their next match against nice farm-boys. No harm is done although the entire game happens literally behind the ref's back, except by him, he literally gets lost, in the mote and caught in a net. Antillian Paul, who was ridiculed ruthlessly by the mates for his temporary spectacles, takes polite pity of the bumbler, but is horrified to find it's also a blatant racist, but his sneaky 'revenge' in kind goes wrong... The chairman finally sends the dodo off the field, but then ma arrives, with an embarrassing memory for faces...
11 December 2001As if the Swiftboys weren't depressed enough by the fact it's their last match for the season, their girls and Bram's gay mate Henri pay them no attention, being coached by the chairman for a sports feat of their own: participating in the annual Rotterdam marathon. On the assumption 'athletes' must be fitter by definition, the ever-bumbling boys decide to enter last-minute themselves, but it soon becomes clear their utter lack of training or planning means that Paul, who betted on them against feminist Nadja, and is already on crutches after an equally ill-considered attempt to taunt the 'sissies' barefoot and baring all, is bound to loose cash and face while his overconfident mates regroup in infirmary as such or after disqualifying themselves otherwise...
18 December 2001The Swiftboys are startled to get invitations for nurse Henri's wedding to Abraham Jozef Rood, i.e. their gay captain Bram. Mark only meant it as a sarcasm, but the others decide the appropriate attention is to cross-dress as female singers, e.g. the right wig turns Peter into a credible Nana Mouskouri. When their car breaks down on the way to the party hall, where Bram's Uncle Jan's speech stirs both laughter and a family feud till a fist-fight ensues, the boys refuse to call for professional help, fearing to become a national laughing-stock, so they try their thumbs- alas, that attracts the attention of the feared Polderboys... Ultimately they all join the celebrations, where Mark finds he's imitating the only real singer, Willeke Alberti, even makes a pass at her as 'accidentally guy boy ready to be cured by a real girl'. Bram and Henri find solving their problem who should wear the 'female' wedding ring by daring tongue piercings a particularly painful mistake...
3 November 2000
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