Road Trip (2000)
Beth: Are there any guys out there who are JUST NORMAL?
Rubin: This is sort of an unusual question, but do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own.
Motel Clerk: Am I a drug dealer? No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though.
Rubin: No? OK. That's OK. Thanks.
Motel Clerk: Is there anything else I can help you with? Perhaps you'd like an 11-year old prostitute sent to your room. We can do that. Or maybe we can off someone for you. Huh? How's that sound? I've got it. Why don't we start small? Would you like a fresh towel? Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.
Rubin: [sotto, walking away] Dick.
Motel Clerk: By the way, Cheech, that credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out, so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.
Barry: [Barry attempts to convince the snake to eat a mouse] Unleash the fury!
Barry: [singing] Tiny salmon swimming in a stream / Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream / The mynah bird says, "Caw. Ca-Caw" / The chimpanzee says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" / The friendly owl says, "Hoo, hoo-hoo" / But the salmon can only say, "Bloobloobloobloo. Blooboloobloobloo. Blooboloobolooooo-Blooblooo-Bloobloobloo." / And it's sad.
E.L.: I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?
Rubin: Yeah, I posted it this morning.
E.L.: [Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him] OH FUCK!
[Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]
E.L.: W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.
Josh: Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Barry: Hey, hey.
Barry: Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.
Corky the Dog: Hey, Old man... I got the fuckin' munchies real bad... what about you?
Rubin: It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
Corky the Dog: Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes... Right now.
Frat member: [Holding up a white hood] Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?
Josh: Whoa whoa, that isn't ours.
Kyle: That's not mine!
Josh: OK, hold on, th-there's obviously some explanation.
Frat member: There is. See your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's gonna die.
E.L.: You're already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself.
E.L.: What else am I supposed to do, stay here and learn?
Barry: Welcome to the University of Ithica. This is it, right here. This is what we're talkin about. I'm gonna give you a good tour today. Show you as much, as much as you need to know, plus a, plus a whole lt more actually. So this is the main area of the University. You'll be getting used to this area. This is sort of where you congregate with your friends and classmates. Come in around me everyone, come in around me. Don't straggle. We've had prblems... I've had problems with stragglers before, okay? They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks, okay? It's not pretty, It's not pretty when it happens. This is the uh... By the way this is the Joseph H. Nelson library here, okay? It was built in the, uh... 1600s.
Student in the Tour: 1600s? It says 1951.
Barry: [Turns & looks, faces group] That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.
E.L.: Think about it Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.
E.L.: Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.
Kyle: That makes no sense.
E.L.: Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.
Rubin: No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.
E.L.: Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.
Beth: What do you look for in a girl?
Josh: She should be smart, and funny.
Josh: That's good too.
Beth: Do you feel better yet?
Josh: I feel a little bit better, yes.
Beth: What else do you look for?
Josh: She should be nice and attractive and...
Beth: [Beth removes her top]
Josh: Topless. And topless.
Kyle: It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off.
[Josh, Rubin and E.L. are understandably repulsed]
Kyle: Because it's your dog.
Rubin: Jesus Christ!
Kyle: You know, because it's YOUR dog, get it?
Rubin: Yeah, we've got it.
E.L.: [trying to convince Josh to have sex with Beth] Your dick will never forgive you.
[bends down to talk to Josh's dick]
E.L.: What do you think little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new?
[pretends to be Josh's dick with squeaky high pitched voice]
E.L.: It ain't easy beings Josh's penis. Nothing has happened for two months it feels like I'm in a coma. I wish I was your dick EL, because this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm just going to pack up my balls and leave.
Rubin: What class is that again?
Rubin: Ancient philosophy.
Rubin: Well I can teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.
Rubin: Yeah, I can teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours. They key is just finding a way to relate to the material.
Earl Edwards: Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why didn't you tell us where you were?
Kyle: Because I knew you'd get mad! See, look how mad you are.
Earl Edwards: [angrily] I'M NOT MAD!
Carla: [answering the phone] Hello?
Josh: Hi Carla, it's Josh. I'm sorry to bother you. Is Tiffany around?
Carla: Tiffany is not here. She didn't sleep here last night, again, and it'd be great if one hour went by where you didn't call.
Carla: [Angrily] If she wanted to talk to you, she'd call you. Deal with it.
Josh: [Hanging up the phone frustrated] Bitch.
E.L.: Did she sound hot?
E.L.: Yep. I'd give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.
Rubin: I just said we'd make it across. I didn't say anything about the wheels staying on.
Josh: What the hell are we gonna do now? I'm totally screwed! I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!
E.L.: Hey, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in his golf cart. See, watch, I can spit across it.
E.L.: Just copy off someone.
Josh: I can't. It's all essay and stuff. You know, if I fail this, my average is shot, I might lose my financial aid, I could not be allowed on campus next semester.
E.L.: Well, you're fucked, then. You might as well come to my party tonight, hook up with Beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college.
Josh: I'm not hooking up with anybody, alright? I've made a commitment to Tiffany. I'm invested in this relationship.
E.L.: Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.