[the war is over, and the company is saying their goodbyes]
Col. Potter: Well, Francis, you've been a godsend.
Father Mulcahy: Look on the bright side: When they tell us to serve our time in Purgatory, we can say, "No thanks, I've done mine."
Hawkeye: I can't say I've loved you all, either... but I've loved as many of you as I could.
Hawkeye: Colonel, before you go...
B.J.: We've been thinking about it, and there's a little something we'd like to give you.
Hawkeye: It's not much, but it comes from the heart.
[Hawkeye and Hunnicutt snap to attention, and for the first time salute Colonel Potter. Potter, very slowly and militarily, returns their salute; then he rides off on the horse Sophie. Potter and Sophie pass a broken-down sign reading "MASH 4077TH BEST CARE ANYWHERE]
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: The cost of the war to the United States has been placed at twenty-two billion dollars.
[One of the people in the O.R. whistles at that amount]
B.J.: Don't look at me, I only get three hundred a month.
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.
Hawkeye: [operating on a/another wounded soldier] Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.
B.J.: And two.
Col. Potter: Three.
Maj. Winchester: Four.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: And there's twelve more out in the hall.
Jeep Driver: Looks like it'll all be over before too long, huh, Captain?
Hawkeye: Not a century too soon.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: You holding up okay?
Hawkeye: All things considered.
[an explosion occurs]
Hawkeye: Most things considered.
B.J.: I got as far as Guam and all flights are canceled, nothing going in or out. I'm sitting there in this crummy officers club, and this guy comes up to me, and says, "You Hunnicutt the doctor?" Now, I didn't like the sound of that, so I said, "No, not me, pal, I'm Hunnicutt the chaplain." He says, "Well, chaplain, you'd better start praying for a miracle, because you're going back to Korea to do surgery." I was a third of the way home.
B.J.: Ah, I wanted to leave you a note before I left, I just didn't have the time.
Hawkeye: I didn't even know you were gone. I thought you were in the bathroom.
PA System Announcer: Sorry to interrupt your peace bulletin, folks, but we got wounded in the compound. We need a surgeon for triage. It looks like it's all over but the shooting.
Father Mulcahy: I was anxious to get back to the parish, and coaching boxing for the C.Y.O., but lately I've gotten kind of interested in working with the deaf. Of course, not doing parish work, I'll miss hearing confession, but after listening to you people for so long, I think I've just about heard it all.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, I planned something, but it kind of fell through. I guess you noticed Soon-Lee isn't here tonight. It's because she had a lot of things to take care of. 'Cause we've decided to get married.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: I had to cut through a lot of red tape, but I got permission. The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family. So, boy, I don't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea.
Hawkeye: You don't have to act crazy now, we're all getting out.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thanks for your help, Father.
Father Mulcahy: Francis John Patrick Mulcahy - remember that if you name any children after me.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: [on the phone] What do you say, Captain?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Hello, Klinger.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me. How is it there? You crazy about the place? Ha ha ha.
B.J.: I'll see you back in the States, I promise. But just in case, I left you a note.
[the helicopter that Hawkeye is seated in takes off, and he looks down at the note that Hunnicutt spelled out with stones: "GOODBYE"]
PA System Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes ago, at 10:01 this morning, the truce was signed in Panmunjon. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now at ten o'clock. The war is over!
[M*A*S*H 4077th personnel members cheer and shout]
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: On the communist side, 1,347,000 people were killed or wounded. The war also killed 400,000 Korean civilians.
B.J.: This is not a good place to have a career as an innocent bystander.
Maj. Winchester: Klinger, with your penchant for scams, I've no doubt that in no time at all you will own this country. And, you can have it.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thanks, Major - if I'm ever in Bean Town, I'll look you up.
Maj. Winchester: Oh, gee, unfortunately, I'll be out of town then.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Uh-huh.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Major. I hope you don't mind leaving in a garbage truck, but it's the last vehicle I got.
Maj. Winchester: Not at all - what better way to leave a garbage dump.
Col. Potter: Well, boys - it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.
Col. Potter: You boys always managed to give me a laugh right when I needed it most. I'll never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. Of course I had to pretend I was mad at you, but inside, I was laughing to beat all hell.
Maj. Winchester: I'm sure Sgt. Rizzo will find me another mode.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Well, I'll go take a look, but we ain't got too many modes left, Major.
[Maj. Winchester, in his pajamas, brings several POWs into camp]
Col. Potter: Winchester, I think there's definitely a medal for capturing five Chinese in your bathrobe.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You know, I told you people something a long time ago, and it's just as pertinent today as it was then. Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice - pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
Jeep Driver: [to Hawkeye] Hey, look at that,
[reading signs along the road]
Jeep Driver: "Hawk was gone, now he's here. Dance til dawn, give a cheer. Burma-Shave."
[an explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: I thought we had a system here, they fire three rounds and they move on.
Father Mulcahy: Wait a minute, what happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds and then going away?
Maj. Winchester: Good question... again.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted?
Col. Potter: I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad.
[Another explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: Or maybe a third.
Hawkeye: Well, the "more-tar" merrier, ha ha ha!
[an explosion occurs]
Hawkeye: Okay, boys and girls, time to do something intelligent.
[He stands up]
Hawkeye: Since I seem to be the only intelligent person here, I nominate me, all in favor, say aye.
Col. Potter: Take your seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Uh-uh, sorry, sorry, I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take five.
[He walks out of the O.R]
[Hawkeye drives the tank into the "4077th trash dump," in an attempt to prevent bombshell explosions from coming so close to the 4077th unit. Some of the members applaud]
Hawkeye: I don't know why I always have to take out the trash.
[Some of the members laugh]
Father Mulcahy: I wonder if his discharge from the hospital was a bit premature.
Col. Potter: I'm putting in a call to Sidney.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Colonel - look at that sunset. What a beautiful ending for a beautiful day.
Col. Potter: Yeah, it'd be a nice sunset if it was setting over there.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: What do you mean?
Col. Potter: Ever since I've been around, the sun's always set in the west.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Then, what's that?
Col. Potter: I once saw that same kind of glow in the Ardenne forest. The next day, there wasn't any forest left. You'd better get on the phone to ICORPS. If that fire's headed this way, we're headed out.
[Chinese musicians were playing off-key]
Maj. Winchester: No, no, no, no, hold it, hold it. Dolce! Dolce! Dolce!
Col. Potter: The Chinese have been torturing Winchester for a week now.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: B.J.!
B.J.: Hey, Sid, get your red-hot hot dogs.
Col. Potter: Folks, can I have you attention? I need Captain Hunnicutt. Would the hot dog man please get his buns over here?
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: I thought when the war was over it'd be the happiest day of my life. But everything's all messed up. Now I'm in love, and I got nothing but trouble.
Col. Potter: Listen, when you're in love, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it - either stop loving them, or love them a whole lot more.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: But if you love them a whole lot more, won't that just get you a lot more trouble?
Col. Potter: Yep - then you love them even more.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Boy, that sounds tough.
Col. Potter: It's murder.
B.J.: A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.
Hawkeye: For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?
[Some other people in the O.R. laugh]
Hawkeye: What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.
Nurses: Oh, yeah.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?
Col. Potter: Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?
Maj. Winchester: I am looking forward to a hemostat.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.
Maj. Winchester: Sponge.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a sponge] Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.
Maj. Winchester: Don't you?
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?
Maj. Winchester: Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.
Maj. Winchester: Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.
Father Mulcahy: Dear Lord, I know there must be a reason for this, but what is it? I answered the call to do your work. I've devoted my life to it, and now, how am I supposed to do it? What good am I now? What good is a deaf priest? I pray to you to help me, and every day I get worse. Are you deaf, too?
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: This is Robert Pierpoint speaking to you from Panmunjon. It's one minute before 10:00 p.m. We can still hear the sound of nearby artillery. At some point during the next few seconds, the guns should go silent as the ceasefire officially goes into effect.
[There are six more seconds of sounds of explosions, followed by eleven-and-a-half seconds of silence]
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: There it is, that's the sound of peace.
Maj. Winchester: Well, I'm going to be head of thoracic surgery at Boston Mercy Hospital, so my life will go on pretty much as I expected, with one exception. For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience, and now it will always be a reminder.
B.J.: You know, Father, the first time I've met you, I thought there's this nice decent guy, kind of sweet and gentle, you know? How's he ever gonna last out here? I got to tell you, you're just about the toughest bird I know.
Father Mulcahy: Well, I'm certainly a lot luckier than some of the people we've seen come through here.
Hawkeye: Father, I may never see you again, and before you go, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. Your shirt's on backwards.
[Winchester kisses Houlihan's hand]
B.J.: Hold on to that arm, Charles. We want to kiss it, too.
Hawkeye: You take the arm, I got dibs on what's left.
Col. Potter: Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order, don't forget to have a happy life, too.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: You dear, sweet man. I'll never forget you.
Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] So, uh, listen...
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Yeah.
[They kiss for thirty-four seconds]
Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Well, so long.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [in a "normal" tone of voice] See ya.
A soldier: Timber!
[He and some other soldiers take down a tent]
Maj. Winchester: How I wish I could have swung the axe.
Hawkeye: Just think of all the rats who are homeless now.
Maj. Winchester: Oh, don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go.
[a helicopter is started up]
Hawkeye: It sounds like my cab is here.
[Hawkeye and B.J. bid farewell to each other]
Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'LL say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we WILL see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
B.J.: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU.
Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
B.J.: ...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
B.J.: I'll miss YOU. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here.
Father Mulcahy: [on the phone] Hello, Hawkeye. Need anything? Can we send you anything down to you?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Yeah, how about a band-aid for my finger? I got a blister from going
[strumming his lips]
Col. Potter: [on the phone] Pierce, we miss you here.
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] I miss me there, too. It's lonely here, especially at night. I do hear the guy in the next room. He cries all night.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [on the phone] How do you feel?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Like a hostage. How about you?
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [on the phone] Ah, you just take care of yourself, okay? We all miss you here.
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Then get me out.
[He hangs up the phone]
[there was an Armed Forces Radio broadcast about the war possibly ending very soon]
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Thank you, Dr. Freedman, I won't require your services anymore.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Where are you headed, soldier?
Hawkeye: The war is coming to an end. Everybody's on stage for the finale. If you don't mind, I'd like to exchange my straitjacket for something in a 39 normal. So if you'll call me a taxi, I'll be on my way.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: So hard to find a cab in this part of the war. Besides, I don't think you're quite ready to leave.
Maj. Winchester: I don't understand why it should take so long to construct a simple potty shed.
Col. Potter: Winchester, you'll just have to use the ravine latrine like everybody else. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Maj. Winchester: Rome? Rome?
[a few minutes ago, Hunnicutt got orders to go home]
Col. Potter: I can't run a hospital without surgeons. Who's supposed to replace you?
B.J.: What would you say if we found a first-class surgeon to take my place?
Father Mulcahy: That's fair enough.
Col. Potter: Well...
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Come on, we'll try.
Col. Potter: I guess I'd say bon voyage.
Maj. Winchester: Hi, good morning. I wonder if I could lighten your mailbag by one letter. The name is Winchester, Charles E.
mail deliverer: Sorry, Major, nobody opens this sack till I get a receipt from your company clerk.
Maj. Winchester: Well, gee, this is a letter from a hospital.
mail deliverer: I don't care if it's from Dr. Pepper, I need a receipt.
Maj. Winchester: Ha, Dr. Pepper.
Hawkeye: [writing to his father] Dear Dad, I am doing better now. You remember Sidney Freedman? He's been here all week pulling shrapnel from my memory. I think the worst is over now. Remember when I was a kid, you told me that if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders, I'd lose it? That's what happened when I saw that woman kill her baby. A baby, Dad. A baby. But Sidney says that confronting the memory is half the battle. So I'm going back to the 4077. Sort of like the criminal returning to the scene of the crime. I asked them to send me to a foxhole in Crabapple Cove, but there aren't many foxes there - only lobster. So write me care of the war, Dad. Any place I hang my scalpel is home.
Maj. Winchester: I have a standing in the medical community, and I don't need the help of a nurse.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It's a good thing I'm a lady, or you'd need a nurse buddy.
[a tank enters the M*A*S*H unit and eventually crushes the latrines]
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [to the tank driver] What's the matter with you? You drive this thing like it's a lethal weapon!
[notices that that driver is wounded]
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Oh, my! Corpsman!
[Hawkeye was telling Dr. Sidney Freedman about what he initially thought was a chicken clucking inside the bus]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Then what happened?
Hawkeye: Then I went back toward the front of the bus.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: And what happened next?
Hawkeye: There's something wrong with it. It stopped making noise. It just--just stopped.
Hawkeye: She-she killed it! She killed it!
Dr. Sidney Freedman: She killed the chicken?
Hawkeye: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I didn't mean for her to kill it.
Hawkeye: I did not--I--I just wanted it to be quiet. It was--it was a baby! She, she smothered her own baby.
Hawkeye: You son of a bitch, why did you make me remember that?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.
Hawkeye: [voice over, as he was writing to his father] Dear Dad, Sorry I haven't written for a while, but I've been on R&R at this wonderful resort. We're planning to have a bridge tournament here as soon as we can find somebody with a full deck.
[crumples up that letter and starts a new one]
Hawkeye: [voice over] Dear Dad, Remember when I was a kid, you always told me if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders I'd lose it? Well ...
[crumples up that letter and starts a new one]
Hawkeye: [voice over] Dear Dad, For the first time I understand what a nervous disorder is, because it seems I've got one. I guess I'll be seeing you soon, because I doubt if they'll let a surgeon operate whose cheese slipped off his cracker.
Hawkeye: Time to hit the couch?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Actually, it may be time to hit the road.
Hawkeye: [to Dr. Sidney Freedman] You're sending a crazy man back to the place where he got crazy in the first place? Are you out of your mind?
[B.J. is planning on returning to his home and celebrating his daughter's birthday; he has five minutes before he can leave]
Col. Potter: Five minutes? I haven't got your replacement yet!
B.J.: Jacobson is due here first thing in the morning. This is the only connection I could get.
Col. Potter: [his voice cracking] Aw, what the heck. Send me a piece of birthday cake.
B.J.: [hugging Col. Potter] Thank you. Look, I--this is not the way I wanted to--
Col. Potter: Go, you're fighting the clock.
[Col. Potter bids farewell to Hawkeye and B.J]
Col. Potter: Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at you but, inside...
Col. Potter: I was laughin' to beat all Hell.
Hawkeye: Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it.
B.J.: I love a good laugh like this.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
Col. Potter: [after a third consecutive explosion] Okay, that's three - let's see if there's any damage.
[Another explosion occurs immediately]
Hawkeye: That was a hell of a short intermission. I didn't even have time to buy an orange drink.
B.J.: Want a sandwich?
Hawkeye: What's in it?
B.J.: Let's see - cucumbers, watercress, a little French mayonnaise.
Hawkeye: Is the crust cut off?
Hawkeye: Forget it.
One of the nurses: So, I'm going to stay in nursing, but I want to be in maternity or pediatrics. After all this, I think it would be nice to help bring people into the world.
[Some of the 4077th members are about to leave for the 8063rd]
Nurse Kellye: Wait a minute, I'm taking my hometown home. Come on!
[She takes the "Honolulu" sign off of the signpost; some of the other 4077th members take off their other signs]
Father Mulcahy: Let me have Coney Island.
[Maj. Winchester was being followed by Chinese musicians, who in turn just ended their song]
Col. Potter: Don't you think a portable radio would be more convenient?
Col. Potter: Tomorrow, the tents of the 4077 will be coming down... for good. For an awful long time we've been living together, eating together...
Unknown 4077th member: Sleeping together.
Col. Potter: Well, I wouldn't know, I have a horse.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: [leading Winchester to a "crowded" jeep] Okay, Major, pile on.
Maj. Winchester: As what, a hood ornament?
PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel, we're patched into Armed Forces Radio for a special broadcast. It sounds big, folks.
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul. I've just returned from outside the newly built conference hall in Panmunjon. The hall is a symbol of the renewed hope for peace. It is almost finished, and you can still smell the greenness of the wood. Two years of constant disappoint have made skeptics of us all. However, the word from Panmunjon today is that an armistice agreement may be reached at almost any hour. While one of the bloodiest battles of the war rages on, it seems peace is finally within our grasp.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: [joyfully throwing some papers up in the air "in celebration"] Yee-hee! Woo-hoo!
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: ... translating the truce document which has not yet been completed.
Father Mulcahy: [trying to listen to the radio broadcast while some other people in the mess tent were conversing] Quiet! Shut your traps!
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: ... But after a week of secret sessions in Panmunjon, the red delegates have finally announced they will discuss preparations for signing the armistice agreement. There is certainly some distance to go in these negotiations, but for the first time in over three years, the end of this bloody road that we've traveled seems only steps away. This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Colonel? Colonel, this just came in the mail. Captain Hunnicutt's travel orders have been rescinded. What should I do?
Col. Potter: [the helicopter that B.J. is seated in takes off] Now, what was all that, son? I couldn't hear you over the chopper.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Nothing, sir. I guess it's too late now.
[a "first" explosion occurs at the M*A*S*H unit]
Col. Potter: Everybody, hug a sandbag!
Maj. Winchester: [running for cover] Get out of my way!
Maj. Winchester: [a "second" explosion occurs]
[to Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger]
Maj. Winchester: I thought you said you had everything under control.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: I did! Even I was fooled by that tent. I almost delivered mail there.
Col. Potter: Well, it didn't fool them, they know that tank's here someplace. They ain't seen it driven out in the daytime, and they ain't heard it driven out at night.
[a "third" explosion occurs]
Col. Potter: Okay, that's three. Get ICORPS on the phone, time to kick some ear.
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In addition, one-fourth of all Koreans are homeless, and 100,000 are orphans.
Father Mulcahy: What did he say? How many orphans?
B.J.: 100,000, Father.
Father Mulcahy: Dear God!
[a while ago, there was news that a truce was just hours away.]
PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel, incoming wounded. Bring your shoes. This may be our last dance before we go home.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Well, I don't love you all - some of you still owe me money. Which I really need it - because I plan to open up a business when I get back to Louisiana. There's big money in this - I'm gonna breed frogs for French restaurants.
Hawkeye: Here, go buy yourself a frog.
[He tosses a wad of money toward Rizzo]
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: I'm gonna do something where people don't yell at me when I put food in front of them - I'm gonna be a pig farmer.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: What do you mean, "gonna be"?
Father Mulcahy: Do you, Soon-Lee, take Maxwell, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Soon-Lee Klinger: I do.
Father Mulcahy: Do you, Maxwell, take Soon-Lee, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: You bet I do.
Father Mulcahy: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Hawkeye: So long, kiddo, I'm gonna miss you.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Me too, captain - I'm sure glad you're feeling okay now.
Hawkeye: Couldn't be better.
[He "honks" Klinger's nose]
Hawkeye: Honk-honk. You have to have that tuned.
Maj. Winchester: Well, goodbye, Father. I must say you've made this hellhole a trifle less unbearable.
Father Mulcahy: It certainly is.
Maj. Winchester: What? What?
Father Mulcahy: [leaving the 4077th unit] Goodbye everybody! I'll pray for you.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Yesterday, you were going to tell me about that day at the beach.
Hawkeye: It was great, very hot. A lot of people say too much sun is no good for you. And you know, carcinomas can result from that. You know, this of course would concern me as a physician.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'd like to get back to the beach.
Hawkeye: Hey, go ahead, take the rest of the day off.
Hawkeye: [answering the phone in the psychiatric ward] Y-ello. Snake pit, we never close.
B.J.: [on the phone] Hawk, it's B.J., how you doing?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] How the hell do you think I'm doing? I've been locked up for the last week in a wacketeria.
B.J.: Well, listen, Sydney's the doctor.
Hawkeye: [to Dr. Sydney Freedman] You want a laugh? He's says, you're the doctor.
Hawkeye: I'm the doctor. I sew people back together. Why is he keeping a brilliant surgeon locked up? I mean, what's behind that?
Maj. Winchester: Just a minute. You handle our food and dig latrines?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.
Col. Potter: [after a phone call with ICORPS] ICORPS. I am specifically ordered not to touch that tank, and it may be days before the owner comes and gets it.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: What don't you just tell them this is a hospital? As long as that tank is here, we're a target.
Col. Potter: Boy, you must think I am the biggest dunce since the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole. Don't you think that's what I told him? I can take care of my job. You go act like a sergeant, unless you want to try something lower.
[Hawkeye gets a phone call in the psychiatric ward]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Good time as any for a break.
Hawkeye: Yeah, let's knock off till Christmas.
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: If you add it all up, it comes to more than two million people killed or wounded.
Hawkeye: Now that's what I call a grand total.
[Maj. Winchester was followed by Chinese musicians, one of whom was pushing a motorcycle]
Maj. Winchester: [to Col. Potter] I believe these gentlemen have surrendered.
Col. Potter: [to one of the POWs' guards] Let's get them inside and process them, Corporal.
[to those Chinese musicians]
Col. Potter: Come on, boys. Not too much solid food right away.
Col. Potter: [to one of the POWs' guards] They probably couldn't hold it down.
B.J.: [pushing that motorcycle] I'll make sure the motorcycle doesn't escape.
[Maj. Winchester storms out of the room where Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger was.]
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: See you at the next shelling.
Maj. Winchester: [Listening to Mozart - all of a sudden asks with disgust] What is that atrocious odour?
B.J.: [Painting his bike - stops and sniffs his brush] Yellow!