Gracie Hart: You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me...
Gracie Hart: You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to hug me... You want to smooch me... You want to...
[to models refusing pizza and beer]
Gracie Hart: It's lite beer, and she's gonna throw it up anyway.
Stan Fields: Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.
Cheryl "Rhode Island": That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.
Gracie Hart: I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, and I'm armed! Don't *mess* with me!
Gracie Hart: Donut Nazi.
Kathy Morningside: Of course he had a gun. This is Texas, everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!
Stan Fields: I don't have a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.
Victor Melling: Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.
Eric Matthews: Is this you not arguing? 'Cause you suck at it.
Victor Melling: I haven't seen a walk like that since "Jurassic Park!"
Kathy Morningside: I would much rather cancel the show than have my girls blown up.
Stan Fields: Especially without their knowledge.
Stan Fields: And we'll be right back with our five final lesbians - interviews!
[after McDonald sees himself in a bikini on the computer]
Eric Matthews: We were just looking for someone to go undercover at the pageant.
McDonald: And I'm the best we have. That doesn't inspire much confidence.
Eric Matthews: Don't look at me like I betrayed you.
Gracie Hart: No, betrayal implies an action, you just stood there!
Eric Matthews: All right, here's your new IDs. For pageant identity.
Gracie Hart: [looking at hers] Gracie Lou Freebush?
Eric Matthews: Yeah, remember, you like that name.
Gracie Hart: Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped ten points.
Eric Matthews: What do you say, Hart?
Gracie Hart: No freakin' way.
Eric Matthews: Sparky, why not?
Gracie Hart: Cause I'm not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name, what, Gracie Lou Freebush and all she wants is world peace?
Eric Matthews: It won't be like that. Come on, you're an important member of the undercover team.
Gracie Hart: Yeah, right, in a thong.
Eric Matthews: Operation "Thong" has commenced.
Gracie Hart: Why don't you stun-gun yourself?
Eric Matthews: I knew she'd like that one.
Victor Melling: Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?
Gracie Hart: Because it's too hard to fit"Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?
Stan Fields: What is the one most important thing our society needs?
Gracie Hart: That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.
[crowd is silent]
Gracie Hart: And world peace!
[crowd cheers ecstatically]
Stan Fields: Thank you, Gracie Lou.
Gracie Hart: And thank *you*, Stan.
[Gracie walks offstage]
Victor Melling: That was charming. Are you drunk?
Gracie Hart: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!
Eric Matthews: Why don't just you shut up?
Gracie Hart: Why? You're shutting up enough for both of us.
Gracie Hart: Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.
Victor Melling: You are not having sex on this stage.
Gracie Hart: I didn't know that was an option.
Victor Melling: This woman has no talent!
Eric Matthews: Geez Vic! You don't gotta shout it out in front of her!
Victor Melling: Your hair should make a statement.
Gracie Hart: As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!
Victor Melling: I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.
[Explaining why she was with a guy the night before]
Gracie Hart: I was dating him for a little while because he told me he had an incurable disease...
All Girls: Ooh.
Gracie Hart: Yeah, I didn't realize it was stupidity.
Victor Melling: Don't pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?
Gracie Hart: Because I'm preparing to run away!
Victor Melling: [teaching Gracie how to glide] See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?
Gracie Hart: It takes a very secure man to walk like that.
Gracie Hart: [a taxi nearly runs Gracie over] Hey! I'm gliding here!
Gracie Hart: Look, she's gonna cry again.
Gracie Hart: "Oh, if I only had a brain."
Gracie Hart: My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?
Victor Melling: Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.
Cheryl "Rhode Island": My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me to a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and - and music and - and movies.
Karen "New York": No wonder you're still a virgin.
Gracie Hart: In Hawaii, don't they use aloha for, like, hello and goodbye?
Gracie Hart: So?
Gracie Hart: So if you're on the phone with somebody and they won't stop talking, how do you get them? You say, 'Okay take care, aloha' don't they just start over again?
Eric Matthews: This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies, and they can hear you.
Gracie Hart: Don't need that, with all this foil in my hair I'm getting HBO.
Kathy Morningside: Oh, oh, Victor, you'll take the bags to the room. I realize it's been a while since you've been with us, but you remember how everything goes, don't you?
[Kathy walks off with Gracie]
Victor Melling: One little mistake, and I'm a bloody bellhop!
Miss Hawaii: Oh I know and it's an honor to have made it this far, I mean especially when you come from such a small state,
Cheryl "Rhode Island": Oh that's so true. Us Rhode Islanders...
Miss Hawaii: Umm I wasn't finished. Did it sound like I was finished?
Cheryl "Rhode Island": I'm sorry. I,
Karen "New York": Ay Dios, what are you apologizing to her for? She's obviously been drinking too much Coppertone.
Gracie Hart: Good evening, I know the program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you, but, uh, some of the girls got dehydrated.
[Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit]
Gracie Hart: Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.
[Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment]
Gracie Hart: What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?
Victor Melling: It's for the little baggies under your eyes.
Gracie Hart: Really.
[Vic shakes a can of hairspray]
Gracie Hart: Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.
[Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror]
Gracie Hart: What are you doing?
Victor Melling: It stops the suit from riding up.
Gracie Hart: Riding up where?
Victor Melling: Just... up!
Gracie Hart: That is enough!
Victor Melling: Why do you make things difficult for me?
Gracie Hart: Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!
Eric Matthews: Just imagine that she's me and there's something you wanna know but I don't wanna talk about it. What would you do?
Gracie Hart: You want me to beat it out of her?
[Gracie pulls earpiece out of her ear]
Eric Matthews: Wo wo wo. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Put that back in your ear.
Gracie Hart: I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head! I can't even do it with me in my head!
Kathy Morningside: New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?
Gracie Hart: Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.
Victor Melling: My God, I did it!
Gracie Hart: And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.
Victor Melling: A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!
Grace's father: [from trailer] Honey, are you a lesbian?
Gracie Hart: [snorts] I wish!
Kathy Morningside: You know, you think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.
Gracie Hart: What? You think that their dream is to get blown up?
Eric Matthews: You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this.
Gracie Hart: I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.
Eric Matthews: Funny, me too.
Victor Melling: I knew I'd never get you here, unless you had the chance to shoot someone.
[after getting a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream]
Gracie Hart: I'm going to get chip faced.
[after Eric pulls Gracie into the pool]
Gracie Hart: Oh, Vic's gonna kill you. You in big trouble.
Eric Matthews: You look good wet.
Gracie Hart: Shut up!
Victor Melling: If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.
Eric Matthews: Maybe we could have dinner, you know?
Gracie Hart: What? You, like, asking me on a date?
Eric Matthews: No! Just casual dinner... If we happen to have sex afterwards so be it!
Cheryl "Rhode Island": Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mom wouldn't buy them for me - she said they were Satan's panties!
Victor Melling: He's with me.
Eric Matthews: I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...
Victor Melling: Come on, Muffin!
Gracie Hart: The last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus!
Gracie Hart: [to Victor] You know, you're gonna get yours, Henry Higgins.
Kathy Morningside: Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get? Fired! They steal my life. They steal my beauty pageant...
Gracie Hart: Hey, hey! It is not a beauty pageant, it is a scholarship program.
Kathy Morningside: Yeah, yeah.
Gracie Hart: *Yes*!
[answering her question]
Cheryl "Rhode Island": In a way, America is like a big ship, and when we work together and respect each other, that's when the ship gets safely home.
Victor Melling: [as the audience applauds] Terrific answer! DAMMIT!
Gracie Hart: There's something I can do for the talent, that I know how to do it since high school.
Victor Melling: You will not be having sex on this stage!
Gracie Hart: I didn't know that was an option, all right? All I have to do is call room service.
Gracie Hart: Oh my gosh, it's the crown!
Victor Melling: Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?
[Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown]
Victor Melling: Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!
Gracie Hart: You ate pizza, you stole panties! You're a wild woman!
Cheryl "Rhode Island": My parents don't like anything ostentatious. And they really don't like fire.
[as they get dressed before the ceremony]
Miss Hawaii: No insults today?
Karen "New York": [pathetic] You're a Don Ho.
[arguing about Gracie's contract on providing a talent]
Eric Matthews: Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
Victor Melling: How dare you, you cupcake!
Victor Melling: The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.
Gracie Hart: What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?
Victor Melling: In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!
Gracie Hart: Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?
Victor Melling: Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!
Gracie Hart: You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.
Eric Matthews: Hart, listen to me. I've waited five years to run my own op. You think I'd blow it on the wrong girl?
Gracie Hart: No no no, I know the only reason you picked me was because I was the only one who looked half decent in a bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.
Eric Matthews: No, that's why they *let* me pick you. You wanna know why I picked you?
Gracie Hart: Lost a bet?
Eric Matthews: Because you're smart. Because you don't take any crap from people. You're funny. You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. Look, give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you.
Gracie Hart: Sir, that is one really really purple Russian, sir!
Eric Matthews: You took your earpiece out! Vic needs you, now!
Gracie Hart: Eric, I haven't slept in two days!
Eric Matthews: I'll give you a cookie.
Gracie Hart: [mumbling to herself] It better be a big one.
Gracie Hart: You know what...
[grabs Eric in a headlock]
Gracie Hart: Pull this off! What, is it because Macdonald hates me?
Eric Matthews: He doesn't hate you!
Gracie Hart: Is it some woman thing?
[Eric knocks her to the floor]
Eric Matthews: Don't kid yourself! Nobody thinks of you that way!
[Gracie trips him and sits on his back, holding him down]
Gracie Hart: He's punishing me, isn't he?
Eric Matthews: [under Gracie] Look, I had to beg him to let you do this!
Gracie Hart: What?
Eric Matthews: Yeah, like it or not you screwed up, pal!
[they roll over attacking each other]
Gracie Hart: [Sitting on Eric again] This may come as a shock to you but I've never been in a beauty pageant before! I don't even own a dress! I don't even own a brush!
[They roll around again]
Eric Matthews: [with Gracie's thighs squeezing his head] Which part o' that is supposed to shock me?
[Gracie slams her thighs against his head and they roll over on the floor again]
Gracie Hart: [Eric's feet squeezing her face] Jesus! Let's just swing reality for like a second! I have to do everything like the big hair, and the makeup...
Eric Matthews: Damn right! The spinning, the twirling, the smiling...
Gracie Hart: [out of breath] So you're saying... I have to wear... the bathing suit?
Victor Melling: [during a makeover session] Eyebrows. There should be two.
Victor Melling: By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?
Gracie Hart: I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.
Cheryl "Rhode Island": I was like a female Rain Man!
Victor Melling: There are no words.
Victor Melling: Ten out of eleven years my girls were crowned. The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. You can't beat that.
Gracie Hart: Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant, huh, huh?
[chuckles to herself, then turns to Matthews]
Gracie Hart: Get it, the Women's Correctional Facility Pageant...?
Karen "New York": I just want to let all the lesbians out there know: if I can make it to the top ten, so can you! Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!
Dave the Pageant Director: Get her off of there! Go to Stan!
Karen "New York": [to a girl in the audience] Tina, I love you, baby!
Tina: Oh, Karen! I love you, Karen!
Karen "New York": Yo, Tina! I love you, baby!
[Gracie, watching the scene, applauds, whoops, and nods in approval]
Stan Fields: And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians - interviews!
Dave the Pageant Director: Bumper, commercial, can we say lesbians?
Assistant Director: You got a problem with that?
Mary Jo Wright, Miss Texas: Will you please go back to the mothership?
Frank Tobin: Only if you go with me, Tex-ass.
Gracie Hart: His ego is like this big and his equpment is like this big!
Agent Clonsky: McDonald called. He saw Hart's little anti-smoking commercial, he's on his way down.
Eric Matthews: Oh, good, perfect, because I'd hate for him to fire me over the phone!
[at the pageant breakfast]
Stan Fields: As you know, I'll be retiring this year.
[everyone moans in sympathy]
Mary Jo Wright, Miss Texas: Oh, he's not retiring. I spoke to him this morning, the poor man blurted out the whole thing. They're firing him. Going for someone newer and younger. I hope it's Ricky Martin.
Karen "New York": Bizzaro!
[a dentist is cleaning Grace's teeth, and a barber is untangling her hair]
Gracie Hart: Can't I get some Novocain?
Dentist: It's only a cleaning.
Gracie Hart: No, I'm talking about Sweeney Todd back here.
Eric Matthews: We recently discovered some information about the winner from New Jersey.
Gracie Hart: And her performance in a little film called "Arma-get-it-on."
Stan Fields: Was that her?
Stan Fields: Prepare for what promises to be a day of astounding musical, theatrical, and dancing talent. And after I'm finished you can see the ladies!