PA: [voice-over] Would the following students please report to the Principal's office: Jack Mehoff, Mike Hunt, Lou Zer, and Heywood Jablomee.
Killer: Do you like scary movies?
Screw: Oh. What, you mean like Spike Lee movies?
Killer: Look, lay off the Spikester! He's keeping it real!
School PA: [voice-over] Good morning students. Cheerleader tryouts will be held today after school in the gym. You must be 18 and comfortable with partial nudity.
PA: [voice-over] May I have your attention for the results of yesterday's pregnancy tests. Susan Savinski: negative. Melissa Blake: positive. Jonathan Whiner: negative.
Killer: Do you think this stalking stuff is easy?
[a splashing sound is heard]
Screw: Did you just fall in my pool?
PA: [voice-over] Attention students, the fight between the Bloods and the Crips is postponed until next Friday. Refreshments and a lovely dance will follow.
PA: [voice-over] Attention students, the band fundraiser will be held next Thursday in the auditorium. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.
Doughy: Whereas Hardy enjoys a minuet, ballet ruse and crepes suzette.
Hardy: Doughy likes to rock n roll, a hot dog makes him lose control.
Hagitha: What a wild duet.
Martina: Still they're cousins.
Dawson: Identical cousins.
Martina: They laugh alike.
Dawson: They walk alike.
Martina: At times they even talk alike.
Hagitha: And you can lose your mind.
Doughy: I read your diary, Ms. Boo-hoo-my-gym-teacher-molested-me!
Martina: [surprised] What?
Screw: Math? How am I supposed to know that? I'm a beautiful popular rich kid with a promising future in a light-weight sorority at a state college. I don't need to know that stuff, I'm gonna get married!
PA: [voice-over] Attention, tonight's PTA meeting will be held at the Hooter's Restaurant in Glendale. Please remind your parents. Also, whoever put real meat in today's lunch please remove it.
Mrs. Peacock, Bulimia Falls HS Secretary: Dawson, let me introduce you to the principal. Sorry, The Administrator-Formerly-Known-As-Principal.
Martina: Did you hear the news? About Screw. She was killed. Murdered. Gutted. Flayed. Sliced. Diced. Fried. And hung.
Boner: I'm never gonna get laid.
Martina: Oh, and it's all over the TV news.
Boner: Oh, great! Now everybody knows.
Pizza Guy: Hi there. Delivery from 24-Hour Pizza. If we're not here in 24 hours, then we're not coming!
Dawson: What's the big deal? Kids get killed every day. This is high school.
Slab: No, Dawson. This kid was white!
Barbara: What are you doing here anyway, Doughy? You're not a real cop. Shouldn't you be guarding the Orange Julius?
Boner: [fake coughing] N.Y.P.D. GAP!
Slab: [fake coughing] Sergeant Sears!
Barbara: [fake coughing] Food court police!
Boner: Hey guys, I have an idea! Let's all make a pact to lose our virginity before graduation!
Doughy: I'm in!
Hagatha: Actually, it's on cable. But it's just as important!
Doughy: Well, that's more important! On cable you can say dyke, boobies, butts, bastards.
Mrs. Tingle: Who can tell me if Frankenstein was circumcised?
Nurse: Sex can be a beautiful, sensual experience between a man and a woman who truly love each other and want to spend eternity together laying in each other's gentle embrace. Or it can be a dirty, filthy spank-fest in a bus station restroom shared by two anonymous consenting adults on a layover in Detroit and no one ever need know!
Hagatha: Who's that? Your grandmother?
Doughy: With the bong? Yeah.
Doughy: No, spring break.
Maitre'D: Do you have a reservation sir?
Maitre'D: Party of five?
Dawson: Wrong network!
Barbara: And so what if Boner's dad was cheating with my mom, causing her to go on a downward spiral resulting into alcoholism?
Boner: My dad has what?
Mr. Lowelle: Hello gang, welcome to Sex Education. If you aren't registered for this course or are a Southern Baptist, you're in the wrong room.
Martina: All right, listen. There are certain rules that you have to follow in a parody situation if you want to survive. Rule number one: exaggerate everything. Number 88: accept the ridiculous as logical.
[flash to Boner getting down with a girl]
Martina: Sexual sight gags, always funny.
[Boner making sex noises while pulling out a splinter]
Martina: And along with wacky sound effects...
[Boner unzipping his pants with a "boing!" sound]
Martina: And unlimited absurdity.
[Killer frightens Boner into a heart attack with a chainsaw]
Martina: Remember: nothing is sacred.
[cross falls onto bed]
Dawson: You're forgetting, point out the obvious.
[holds up a "dead man" sign pointing to Slab]
Martina: And finally, perpetually painful stereotypes.
Pimp: Dat's ridikkulous!
Barbara: Slab, give me a hand.
Slab: Wasn't that trophy enough?
Barbara: Yes, but we have to dump this deer.
Slab: Alright sweetie.
Guy: Hey gang! They just found The Administrator-Formerly-Known-As-Principal in his office bound and gagged... dead. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get down there before the coroner gets to play Weekend At Bernie's with him!
PA: [voice-over] Attention students, Flight 916 for Tuscany will be boarding at Gate 14A. The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only, no parking. Also, today's happy hour will be held in the Biology lab. Remember, wings are free when you buy a pitcher.
PA: [voice-over] Attention students, there will be a fire drill at 3:05 today. Please bring your own matches and lighter fluid.
Dawson: I thought you were a lesbian.
Martina: A lesbian? Why?
Dawson: Hello! You play softball, you watch Ally McBeal... the WNBA!
Martina: No, Dawson, I'm not gay. Barbara's gay.
Martina: Big Rosie fan.
Dawson: But you are a witch?
Martina: Oh yeah.
Boner: Roofies are bull. I take them before every date, and I never get laid.
Slab: Maybe you aren't taking enough.
Female Prison Guard: Time's up, Boner!
Jimmy Boner: It's pronounced bo-ah-ner! The 'O' is soft.
Female Prison Guard: Not for long. Dead boner walking!
Dawson: After all, it is Halloween.
Slab: And Friday the 13th!
Dawson: On the same day? Impossible.
Boner: Slab's dyslexic.
Dawson: You know what we've gotta do? We've gotta get out of here!
Boner: To someplace safe.
Martina: Yeah, in the middle of nowhere.
Slab: In the dark woods and pouring rain.
Dawson: Without any adult supervision or police protection anywhere in the vicinity.
Barbara: I know just the place! It's been totally deserted ever since those dorky kids were dismembered.
Boner: Are you talking about band camp?
Dawson: This is the kinda thing you read about
Slab: Books are pretty
Barbara: O My God. He is right.
Barbara: A kid couldn't write that, at least not a kid in public school.
Martina: Unless he was Japanese.
Boner: But they aren't historically serial killers.
Slab: What about Godzilla.
Boner: Born in international waters.
Barbara: Do they know who did it?
Martina: Some guy in a ghost mask costume.
Barbara: That doesn't sound scary.
Martina: Store bought?
Barbara: Ahhh! That's scary!
Martina: [Dawson and Martina hear a crash in the kitchen and rush in to find the cat next to a pile of overturned dishes] Lamegag, you scared the crap out of us.
Dawson: [Lamegag meows] What is it, boy?
Dawson: [Lamegag growls] I'm sorry. What is it, girl?
Dawson: [meow] Slab's in trouble?
Dawson: [meow] Steroids? In the bathroom?
Dawson: [meow] Burt Reynolds wears a rug? O.J. was framed?
Dawson: [meow meow] Khakis aren't cool anymore? Well, I have to disagree with you there.