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(1999–2000)

Quotes

Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Didn't your mother ever comfort you when you were sick?

Henry: Yeah, of course. She was very loving. She used to sing to me over the intercom.

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[Tess ate some bad food at a diner]

Tess Farraday: I'm not putting anything in my mouth for a week!

Ian Stark: Have a nice night, Henry.

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Henry: Tess has felt threatened ever since she found an old photo of Susan sunbathing in Greece, all topless and tan and glistening and... topless.

Ian Stark: Tess was snooping through your stuff, huh?

Henry: No, actually it was my screensaver.

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Tess Farraday: Carol says that every guy has a girl that he calls when he gets drunk. She's yours, isn't she?

Henry: No! You're my drunken call girl!

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Henry: I'm trying to be less phobic and I'm afraid it's not going well.

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Henry: Yeah, there is no

[such word as]

Henry: "dribbed." There's the noun "drib," which means a negligible amount.

Ian Stark: Oh, I see. So I'm getting a drib of help from you right now.

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Ian Stark: I just feel that names that end with "y" are weak, Henry.

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Ian Stark: Good God, Henry! If you'd ever been in the army, your own men woulda held you down and dry-shaved you!

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Ian Stark: I thought we ordered chicken wings.

Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Wings are for when you're drunk. Soup is for when you're sick.

Jake Donovan: That's what my mom used to say. Boy, she loved her wings!

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Henry: I'm going to go and read these pages in a more hygienic setting... like the bathroom of a Greyhound Bus.

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Audrey: While other publishers are lunching with Mailer and Updike, I'll be debating whether a toaster would actually say, "I've got bread in my head."

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Henry: Audrey, could I come along to lunch? I would love to meet the man who wrote "Ants in France Wear Pants When They Dance."

Audrey: Good, because I'd love to drink and drink 'til I can't think.

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Phyllis: So how about that check?

Audrey: Yes, why cloud the moment with warmth and civility?

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Tess Farraday: Jennifer's boyfriend used to say "Robert" in his sleep... and now he sleeps with Robert!

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Henry: Why would he go all the way back to the warehouse?

Ian Stark: Because he wants to get caught. That's what killers do. You know that - you're a killer.

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Audrey: I'm never gonna get that advance check back!

Henry: Audrey, this really isn't the day to be thinking about money.

Audrey: Tell that to the widow Huggles - she cashed the damn thing this morning.

Henry: The day of her husband's funeral?

Audrey: You should have seen that line of cars with their lights on outside the bank!

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Henry: Hey, I've been tryin' to call you all afternoon. What's wrong with your phone?

Ian Stark: It keeps ringing.

Henry: It stops ringing when you answer it.

Ian Stark: Also when you smash it with a hammer.

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Cesar: I hope everybody likes hot cheese!

Henry: Wow, it's flaming.

Ian Stark: Yeah, and the cheese is on fire.

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Henry: I am going to be blacklisted thanks to you and your fish shenanigans.

Ian Stark: Shenanigans? Well, just come out and say it, Henry. You think I'm a hooligan, don't ya? Up to some tomfoolery.

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Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Hey, if we don't get this fish back to the tank in another couple of minutes, we might as well just get it to a cracker.

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Ian Stark: Where have you been? I just pretended to choke on an oyster for you, then Audrey ran over and gave me a Heimlich Maneuver - from the front!

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Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Of all the times I've slinked out of a man's apartment in my underwear, this is the one I'm most ashamed of.

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Ian Stark: She was just lashing out at you for sleeping with Maddie, which she doesn't know you didn't really do. Wait... Yeah, that's right.

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Ian Stark: I'm sorry, Rod, but the position's filled as long as Henry's around.

Henry: Oh, great! Why don't you just tell him I bleed liquid gold?

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Ian Stark: Ya know, James Joyce was weird. Van Gogh was weird - Stravinsky was weird. You know, talent doesn't always come wrapped up in a nice, new, shiny, little box, Henry. Sometimes it's messy and organic and raw and you might just have to look a little deeper to find it.

Henry: And sometimes when it's messy and organic and raw, it's garbage!

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Henry: It doesn't have to be a pick-up thing. You just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a best-selling author..."

Ian Stark: "I'm so lonely and desperate that I talk to strangers in restaurants. Hopefully your life is bad enough to welcome this kind of weirdness, so how 'bout we get together and disappoint each other?"

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Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Ian's gonna hypnotize me.

Jake Donovan: Yeah, to do what? Quit smokin'? Lose weight? Stop sleeping with losers?

Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: I don't smoke, I'm not fat and I don't... Can you help me out with that too?

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Ian Stark: Hey, you're back! How was your sister's?

Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Oh, it was great! Her kids are so adorable! I learned everything there is to know about Pokémon, and then on the bus ride home, I locked myself in the bathroom and tied my own tubes.

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Ian Stark: How about this one? I don't have that goofy smile on my face.

Jake Donovan: I dunno. It looks a little scary for the back cover.

Ian Stark: It's a scary story!

Jake Donovan: Yeah, but you still want a photo which says 'buy this book'. This photo says 'buy this book or I'll kill the president'.

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Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: There's people downstairs waiting for me to open the bar. I can't believe how early those losers start drinking. Oh, champagne!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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