Stark Raving Mad (1999–2000)
[Tess ate some bad food at a diner]
Tess Farraday: I'm not putting anything in my mouth for a week!
Ian Stark: Have a nice night, Henry.
Henry: Tess has felt threatened ever since she found an old photo of Susan sunbathing in Greece, all topless and tan and glistening and... topless.
Ian Stark: Tess was snooping through your stuff, huh?
Henry: No, actually it was my screensaver.
Tess Farraday: Carol says that every guy has a girl that he calls when he gets drunk. She's yours, isn't she?
Henry: No! You're my drunken call girl!
Henry: I'm trying to be less phobic and I'm afraid it's not going well.
Henry: Yeah, there is no
[such word as]
Henry: "dribbed." There's the noun "drib," which means a negligible amount.
Ian Stark: Oh, I see. So I'm getting a drib of help from you right now.
Ian Stark: I just feel that names that end with "y" are weak, Henry.
Ian Stark: Good God, Henry! If you'd ever been in the army, your own men woulda held you down and dry-shaved you!
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Didn't your mother ever comfort you when you were sick?
Henry: Yeah, of course. She was very loving. She used to sing to me over the intercom.
Henry: I'm going to go and read these pages in a more hygienic setting... like the bathroom of a Greyhound Bus.
Audrey: While other publishers are lunching with Mailer and Updike, I'll be debating whether a toaster would actually say, "I've got bread in my head."
Henry: Audrey, could I come along to lunch? I would love to meet the man who wrote "Ants in France Wear Pants When They Dance."
Audrey: Good, because I'd love to drink and drink 'til I can't think.
Tess Farraday: Jennifer's boyfriend used to say "Robert" in his sleep... and now he sleeps with Robert!
Henry: Why would he go all the way back to the warehouse?
Ian Stark: Because he wants to get caught. That's what killers do. You know that - you're a killer.
Audrey: I'm never gonna get that advance check back!
Henry: Audrey, this really isn't the day to be thinking about money.
Audrey: Tell that to the widow Huggles - she cashed the damn thing this morning.
Henry: The day of her husband's funeral?
Audrey: You should have seen that line of cars with their lights on outside the bank!
Henry: Hey, I've been tryin' to call you all afternoon. What's wrong with your phone?
Ian Stark: It keeps ringing.
Henry: It stops ringing when you answer it.
Ian Stark: Also when you smash it with a hammer.
Cesar: I hope everybody likes hot cheese!
Henry: Wow, it's flaming.
Ian Stark: Yeah, and the cheese is on fire.
Henry: I am going to be blacklisted thanks to you and your fish shenanigans.
Ian Stark: Shenanigans? Well, just come out and say it, Henry. You think I'm a hooligan, don't ya? Up to some tomfoolery.
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Hey, if we don't get this fish back to the tank in another couple of minutes, we might as well just get it to a cracker.
Ian Stark: Where have you been? I just pretended to choke on an oyster for you, then Audrey ran over and gave me a Heimlich Maneuver - from the front!
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Of all the times I've slinked out of a man's apartment in my underwear, this is the one I'm most ashamed of.
Ian Stark: She was just lashing out at you for sleeping with Maddie, which she doesn't know you didn't really do. Wait... Yeah, that's right.
Ian Stark: I'm sorry, Rod, but the position's filled as long as Henry's around.
Henry: Oh, great! Why don't you just tell him I bleed liquid gold?
Ian Stark: Ya know, James Joyce was weird. Van Gogh was weird - Stravinsky was weird. You know, talent doesn't always come wrapped up in a nice, new, shiny, little box, Henry. Sometimes it's messy and organic and raw and you might just have to look a little deeper to find it.
Henry: And sometimes when it's messy and organic and raw, it's garbage!
Henry: It doesn't have to be a pick-up thing. You just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a best-selling author..."
Ian Stark: "I'm so lonely and desperate that I talk to strangers in restaurants. Hopefully your life is bad enough to welcome this kind of weirdness, so how 'bout we get together and disappoint each other?"
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Ian's gonna hypnotize me.
Jake Donovan: Yeah, to do what? Quit smokin'? Lose weight? Stop sleeping with losers?
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: I don't smoke, I'm not fat and I don't... Can you help me out with that too?
Ian Stark: Hey, you're back! How was your sister's?
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Oh, it was great! Her kids are so adorable! I learned everything there is to know about Pokémon, and then on the bus ride home, I locked myself in the bathroom and tied my own tubes.
Ian Stark: How about this one? I don't have that goofy smile on my face.
Jake Donovan: I dunno. It looks a little scary for the back cover.
Ian Stark: It's a scary story!
Jake Donovan: Yeah, but you still want a photo which says 'buy this book'. This photo says 'buy this book or I'll kill the president'.