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Celebrity Deathmatch (TV Series 1998– ) Poster

Quotes

[each episode's closing line]

Johnny Gomez: Good fight, good night.

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Johnny Gomez: What the?

[to Nick]

Johnny Gomez: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TAPE?

Nick Diamond: Oh shoot, I...

Johnny Gomez: Don't tell me! You have the only copy of this historic Beatles fight with all these new songs and you've recorded over its- Tell me it's not true!

Nick Diamond: What can I say, Johnny? I'm a JAG Maniac!

Johnny Gomez: You're a JAG Off!

[to the audience]

Johnny Gomez: Sorry folks. I'll make sure he pays for this. For Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez.

Nick Diamond: And I'm...

Johnny Gomez: [to Nick] A DEAD man!

[to the audience]

Johnny Gomez: Good fight, good night!

[Punching Nick 2 times, to Nick]

Johnny Gomez: You stupid, harmless-!

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[to Ernest Hemingway]

Mankind: You know what the difference between your book and mine is? MINE WEIGHS MORE.

[Clobbers Hemingway with his book]

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Mills Lane: Let's get it on.

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Mills Lane: All right, young ladies, this is a fight to the death. Now death may not be something you two have thought about, so let me just explain...

Mary-Kate Olsen: [interrupting, to Ashley] I hate you!

Ashley Olsen: I hate you more!

Mary-Kate Olsen: You're stupid!

Ashley Olsen: You're stupider!

Mills Lane: [breaking up the girls' slapping match] Ladies, I haven't even started the fight yet!

Mary-Kate Olsen: She started it!

Ashley Olsen: No, she did!

Mills Lane: [giving up after they try and hit each other] On second thought... just go ahead and get it on!

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Anna Kournikova: [about opponent Elizabeth Hurley] Yes, I called her ugly, but I should have called her a pig! I should have called her a hideous, swirly moonie face! I hate her, I hate her! Aaaaaaaaaah!

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Cher: [to Bette Midler] Hey, Midler! You got a wide load sign for that ass?

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[Axl Rose pulls out a sharp object from under his kilt]

Johnny Gomez: Nick, what the hell is this psycho doing?

[Celtic music played in background]

Nick Diamond: Ancient Scottish soldiers wearing kilts such as Axl's always carried a dagger strapped to their ankle. Tradition has it that once a soldier removes it from its scabbard, he can't put it back without drawing blood... even if it's his own.

Johnny Gomez: It's scissors, Nick.

[Celtic music abruptly stops]

Nick Diamond: Oh... uh, that must be a different tradition.

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Alfred Hitchcock: [to Steven Spielberg] Good evening, Steven. Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents... your death.

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Debbie Matenopoulos: You may be a reanimated corpse, Stacey, but you don't scare me! I've dealt with bigger stiffs than you!

Stacey Cornbread: Oh yeah? LIKE WHO?

Debbie Matenopoulos: Like Meredith Vieira, THAT'S WHO!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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