Larry: You're lucky. You got Melanie. There are men who'd die for her.
Peter McGowan: Yeah, die for her, or have her kill you. Either way, you're dead.
Larry: Still having trouble satiating, are we?
Peter McGowan: I think the doorbell's heard my wife shout "I'm coming" more than I have these days.
[Larry is dressed as a priest]
Peter McGowan: Can I have a valediction, father?
Larry: Say four Goly Fuck You's and keep drinking.
Peter McGowan: Are you drunk or something?
Larry: What time is it?
Peter McGowan: Four.
Victoria: You're an alcoholic.
Adam: Alcoholics have class. I'm a fucking drunk.
Debra Salhany: So, how did you meet your wife?
Peter McGowan: She was a lap dancer, I had a pocket full of singles... No, she was a dancer. For a brief period, she gave acting a try. She came in for an audition, and the rest as they say is histrionics.
Debra Salhany: So, you employed the casting couch?
Peter McGowan: Hey, whatever works. You know that, Deborah.
Melanie McGowan: Other houses have M&Ms, we stock up with Smarties. It's like living at the duty-free-shop at Heathrow.
Adam: They say women are the sensitive ones, but I've never seen it. They're as cold as party ice.
Victoria: I don't think that sucking on countless nipples makes one an authority on sensitivity.
Edna: You look just like my son-in-law.
Peter McGowan: I am your son-in-law, Edna.
Edna: My son-in-law's name is Peter.
Peter McGowan: No. I said your name was Edna. My name is Peter.
Edna: You just said your name was Edna... Edna's a funny name for a man. Been teased over the years?
Peter McGowan: Mercilessly. "Pete."
Laura Leeton: If the 405 is your morning route, I hope you don't have a history of showing up late to work, 'cause today you're fired.
Peter McGowan: Hollywood doesn't want writers, so much as secretaries with a flare for dialogue. If you want to be happy in Hollywood, be a cinematographer. Nobody knows what you're doing, so they can't screw with you.
[Peter is smoking]
Melanie McGowan: You know, you're going to have to cut that out when the baby comes.
Peter McGowan: What? Are you expecting it tonight?
Melanie McGowan: Maybe you should see a therapist about your anxiety.
Peter McGowan: That's exactly what I'm afraid of. What if he cures me? Then, I'll have nothing to write about. Nobody wants to know about how happy you are.
Melanie McGowan: Oh, I don't think you ever have to worry about an over-abundance of happiness, dear.
[after a prostate exam]
Peter McGowan: Now I know what a Muppet feels like.
Peter McGowan: Do you ever think that if you attack an artist long enough, that you'll succeed in having him censor himself?
Debra Salhany: Thanks for sticking around, Peter.
Peter McGowan: Thanks for letting me be sticky, Debbie.
Laura Leeton: [traffic report] And the 5 Freeway is stopped dead... just because.
Peter McGowan: Seems to me only the intelligent people are choosing not to reproduce.
Peter McGowan: "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive." *That* is Sir Walter Scott.
Melanie McGowan: Oh, really? I seem to remember that quote a bit differently.
Adam: Cunnilingus. I've been reading that word since I was 13 and I still can't seem to wrap my tounge around it. Wait... was that a pun, or just bad taste? Wait... that may have been another pun.
Handler: Mr. McGowen, I think we're ready. This way, please.
Peter McGowan: [during wife's gyn exam] You know, to me sex education was always missing the answer to that key question, which was, yeah, how do I get me some?
Peter McGowan: [starts walking around] O-B-G-Y-N. What kind of acronym is that? Oh-bee guy'n. It's not really imaginative, I mean, you should come up with something that spells vagina - Vaginal Association of Gynecological Interns Navigating...
Melanie McGowan: Peter, give the doctor some quiet.
Peter McGowan: [now alongside the doctor] I'm sure it was an oversight on God's part when He positioned the gateway to paradise so dangerously close to the...
Melanie McGowan: Peter! Don't stand there and stare at my crotch!
Peter McGowan: Well, anything else would be considered inappropriate, my dear.
Larry: This is just his way, Peter. He's like a buzzard circling. They spend a lot of time circling, and then finally they land.
Peter McGowan: When it's *dead*.
Adam: I met a man yesterday with a grown son. He told me, looking back, he should have raised the placenta instead.
Cop #2: Did you write that one about the opera singer? Phantom...
Peter McGowen: [for the Nth time] That's Andrew Lloyd Weber.
Cop #2: What? Why isn't this guy stalking Andrew Dice Weber? He seems famous.
Passerby: You need a hand?
Peter McGowan: [hobbling along] I already have one, thanks.
Peter McGowan: I hated being a kid.
Amy Walsh: Do you like being a grown up?
Peter McGowan: Well now, I like being adult. As for being grown up, that's uh rather elusive. But the truth is that most adults tend to romanticize childhood, which is absolutely delusional. I mean, most childhood fears are as great or more so than adult fears. Don't you think?
Amy Walsh: [stunned affirmative]
Melanie McGowan: [in back of limo] You ever done it in a vehicle?
Peter McGowen: Well... that time in Idyllwild, remember? But... I'm not driving this time...
Peter McGowan: ...But maybe that's everything in writing - a catchy title.
Debra Salhany: So is that why you decided to call your first novel How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog?
Peter McGowan: Oh, that isn't mere affectation. That's a practical guidebook full of juicy bits on suburban terrorism.
Debra Salhany: ...but, uh, what if somebody reads this and goes out and kills their neighbor's dog?
Peter McGowan: Oh, well, what are you gonna do?