Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker (1999 TV Special)
Chris Rock: I took the AIDS test... passed it... with a 65! Now, the scary thing about the AIDS test is that when you take it, you don't get the results back for FIIIVVEE days, and in those five days you start reflectin'. You start reflectin' on every single piece of dirty, disgusting little sex you've ever had! Oh my God, 1993, what the fuck was I thinkin'? Then, you start callin' people up to see if they still alive!
[Impersonating a telephone call]
Chris Rock: Yeah, hello, is Stacy there? "This is Stacy." CLICK! Hello, is Tammy there? "Oh, Tammy dead." Well, what happened? "... she got hit by a bus." OH, THANK THE LORD!
Chris Rock: A bunch of girls think that you don't need no man to raise no child. Shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you can do it without a man, but it don't mean it's to be done. Shit! You can drive a car with your feet if you want to; it don't mean it's a good fucking idea!
Chris Rock: Doctors don't cure shit! They don't cure shit! The last disease doctors cured was polio. When's the last time you met someone with polio?
[Impersonating a boss and his employee]
Chris Rock: "Why weren't you at work today?" "Oh, my polio's actin' up again!" They don't cure shit!
Chris Rock: Do you know how dumb you got to be to get left back in the first grade? It's like, what's four plus four? Jell-O!
Chris Rock: Guys, have you ever been with your lady in bed and you both talkin' dirty then you say somethin' that got you kicked out of bed. Where the woman's like "Fuck me! Harder, harder, harder! Fuck me daddy! Fuck me! Fuck me! Spank me! Fuck me!" "Alright, ya ho!" "Who're you callin' a ho? Who da fuck are you callin' a ho? Untie me!"
Chris Rock: There are three types of women in the world: A: Women that give NO head. B: Women that give just enough head to shut ya up and my favorite C: the women that want nothing more than to suck a dick.
Chris Rock: Can you believe this? Kids from the Make a Dream Come True Foundation want their last wish to be a lap dance?
[Impersonating a foundation member and a MDCTF kid]
Chris Rock: Tell me, little boy, do you wanna' go to Disneyland? "No, I want big ol' titties in my face!"
Chris Rock: Everybody is talking about gun control. Got to control the guns. Fuck, that, I like guns. If you've got a gun, you don't need to work out! Cause, I ain't working out. I ain't jogging. No, I think we need some bullet control. I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for a bullet. Know why? Cos if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, there'd be no more innocent by-standers. That'd be it. Some guy'd be shot you'd be all 'Damn, he must've done something, he's got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass!' And people'd think before they shot someone 'Man I will blow your fucking head off, if I could afford it. I'm gonna get me a second job, start saving up, and you a dead man. You'd better hope I don't get no bullets on lay-away!' And even if you get shot you wouldn't need to go to the emergency room. Whoever shot you'd take their bullet back. 'I believe you got my property?'
Chris Rock: When I was a kid, I had to be near death to see a doctor, so my daddy got into the habit of putting Robitussin on everything, and I mean EVERYTHING!
[Impersonating his father and himself]
Chris Rock: Daddy, I got asthma! "Well here, take some Robitussin!" Daddy, I got cancer! "Here, take some Robitussin!" Daddy, I broke my leg! "Here, put some Robitussin on it... that's right, let the Robitussin sink in there."
Chris Rock: What does daddy get for his hard work? The big piece of chicken at dinner! My mamma would kill us if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident!
[Pretending to be his mamma]
Chris Rock: What the... you ate the big piece of chicken! Oh, lord no! Now I gotta sew up some chicken! Give me two wings and a porkchop, daddy won't know the difference!
Police Officer: [From album] Good evening, sir! How are you doing?
Black Man: What's what? What?
Police Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Black Man: Yeah, 'cuz I'm a black man, motherfucker! Now, if I was a white bitch with some big-ass titties, you let me go!
Police Officer: Very good, sir. Maybe you're right. But I just wanted to let you know, your license plate is a little loose.
Black Man: Oh, man, bullshit! Man, that's bullshit! You just mad at me 'cuz I'm rolling this bug-eyed Benz, bitch!
Police Officer: I love German cars! I love Benzes! It's just, the license plate's a little crooked. That's all, come on.
Black Man: Hey, fuck that, man! Y'all took the street! I ain't got time for this shit!
Police Officer: Hey, hey, hey! I'm gonna let you go. I just need your registration, that's all.
Black Man: I ain't got no registration, no proof of insurance, no nothing, no baby seat, I ain't got my seatbelt on, all I got is a motherfucking receipt!
Police Officer: Oh, you don't need any of that. Just drive safely and have a good night.
Chris Rock: [pretending to be a member of the Make A Wish Foundation] Hey, Jimmy you gettin' ready to die. Wanna meet Jim Carrey?
[pretending to be Jimmy]
Chris Rock: No, I want some big titties in my face! It's my last wish, come on!
Chris Rock: [On gays in the military] If they wanna fight, let 'em fight. Cause I ain't fightin'! I don't give a fuck if there's a Russian tank rollin' down Flatbush Avenue. I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!
Chris Rock: When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.
Chris Rock: Hillary Clinton's the first lady! She should've been the first one on her knees to suck Bill's dick!
Chris Rock: You think the government is gonna cure AIDS? NOO! They can't even cure athlete's foot!
Chris Rock: The most racist people are old black men! He went through real racism back them. He couldn't go through that "I-can't-get-a-cab" thing. Back then, he WAS the cab! A white man jump on his back, "Main Street!"
Chris Rock: When I was a kid, that's all we had was Robitussin. Whatever you got, Robitussin better handle it. I broke my leg once, daddy poured Robitussin all over it.
[Pretending to be his father]
Chris Rock: Yeah, boy! Let that 'tussin get in there. Let that 'tussin go down to the bone! If you run out of it, put some water in the jar, shake it up, more 'tussin! MORE 'TUSSIN!
Chris Rock: [On the US school shootings] Everybody is wanting to know what music were the kids listening to, or what movies were they watching. Who gives a fuck what they was watching! Whatever happened to crazy? What, you can't be crazy no more? Should we eliminate crazy from the dictionary?
Chris Rock: The government curing AIDS? That's like Cadillac making a car that last for fifty years... and you know they can do it! But they ain't gonna do something that fucking dumb! Shit! They got metal on the space shuttle that can go around the moon and withstand temperatures up to 20,000 degrees. You mean to tell me you don't think they can make an El Dorado where the fucking bumper don't fall off?