Christopher Titus: Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
Ken Titus: I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time, your dog got hit by a truck this morning!
[about his girlfriend, Erin]
Christopher Titus: When we first got together, Dad thought the relationship was a *huge* mistake.
Ken Titus: [in flashback] I think this relationship is a huge mistake. Take it from a guy who's been married a *lot*. You'll regret the day you ever moved in together. You are in for a nightmare!
[cut to show he's talking to Erin]
Christopher Titus: Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!
Christopher Titus: The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
[about his mother]
Christopher Titus: Without her it would still be legal in this state to kill a man with a cappuccino machine.
Christopher Titus: I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Christopher Titus: He was laughing because YOU were trying to get into Heaven!
Christopher Titus: Fifteen years I have chosen *not* to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
Christopher Titus: In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
Christopher Titus: My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
Christopher Titus: A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory!
Christopher Titus: Dave once got so high, he actually remembered being born!
Erin Fitzpatrick: You let a car fall on him. I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin Fitzpatrick: Everybody knows that.
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me.
Ken: I don't go straight for the ten. I go for the six and drink 'til she's an eight!
Christopher Titus: My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. He especially liked this one
[imitating a sad person]
Christopher Titus: The normal make a living, the deranged make history.
Christopher Titus: My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
[Christopher, Dave, and Tommy have just watched a man fall to his death from jumping off a bridge]
Dave: His helmet fell off.
Christopher Titus: He wasn't wearing one.
Young Tommy: I don't think you should hit that bee hive!
Young Chris: Don't worry, the bee hive is nature's pinata! Olay!
Christopher Titus: Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
[at a self-help seminar, Dave is bawling his eyes out]
Dave: [through tears] I... don't know what you... want from... me!
Christopher Titus: I want you to tell me what you want.
Dave: But I told you... What I want. I... Wanna... Get bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
Christopher Titus: In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!
Christopher Titus: My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'
Christopher Titus: Listen, my niece has been living with us for 3 months, and she is my responsibility. If some bully is harassing her, I'm gonna do something about it! I hate bullies!
Tommy Shafter: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
Christopher Titus: Yeah, what's your point?
Tommy Shafter: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy Shafter: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
Christopher Titus: Pfft, math. Who needs it? I spent my time in school memorizing things I could use. Like The California State Mental Health Code Requirement For The Declaration Of Commitment Of A Loved One, which is as follows: Causing harm to others.
Christopher Titus: [shows Juanita hitting Ken in the head with a frying pan]
Christopher Titus: Causing harm to self
Christopher Titus: [young Christopher knocks on bathroom door]
10 - Year Old Titus: Mom, Are you ready yet?
Juanita Titus: [opens the door, having shaved a huge lock of hair off the top of her head] I'll be ready in a minute, I'm just fixing my doo. Give this to your father
[handing young Christopher the lock of hair]
Christopher Titus: Destruction of Property
Christopher Titus: [young Christopher and Ken Titus are looking out the window at their car on fire in the driveway]
Ken Titus: We needed a new car anyway.
Christopher Titus: There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*!
Christopher Titus: After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
Christopher Titus: Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!
Ken Titus: Are you not getting this? Geez! I thought Asi-Entals were supposed to be smart!
Nancy: We are, I just love the way he thinks *round eye!*
Ken Titus: [laughs hysterically] Round eye...
[realizes he's been ridiculed]
Christopher Titus: Dad, are you speaking or are your gonads?
Ken Titus: Right now they have power of attorney.
[Ken is about to pick up a hitchhiker]
Christopher Titus: C'mon, dad, it's one A.M. in the middle of the desert! She's either a werewolf or an alien!
Ken Titus: Well, maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
Christopher Titus: A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."
[on an island resort, Ken wins in blackjack]
Black Dealer: 21.
Ken Titus: Will you look at that. First time a black man ever gave me money!
Christopher Titus: [nervously] Ha, ha, ha. Dad, remember, island, far from airport, no way to escape.
[after being smacked in the head repeatedly with a lunchbox, by Dave, while seated on an airplane]
Christopher Titus: All right! What the hell's with the lunchbox?
Dave: Oh, um, yeah. I put your mom's ashes in it. See, it keeps your cool mom cool and your hot mom hot! And... and there's also a snack pack pudding in here to surprise her.
Christopher Titus: Dave, she's past pudding, hence the ability to fit her into a lunchbox.
[inside a police station]
Tommy Shafter: Dave's been arrested? Oh great, did they find his marijuana plants?
Christopher Titus: It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point.
Christopher Titus: Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings.
Tommy Shafter: [Tommy's car is being robbed by a guy with crowbar, the carjacker shouts "Get out of the car!", Tommy shoots the carjacker] Get out of the street!
Christopher Titus: Bag boys would be more courteous.
Ken Titus: [Ken is at the supermarket, the bag boy puts bread in a bag, then drops a six-pack on the bread. Ken shoots the bag boy] It's canned goods first, then bread!
Christopher Titus: And people in general would just be a lot friendlier.
Erin Fitzpatrick: [after a guy cuts to the front of the line, Erin shoots him] No cuts!
Christopher Titus: I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die!
Ken Titus: Shut up, fruit!
Tommy Shafter: Well, you say that, but what you really mean is...
Ken Titus: [interrupting] Shut up, fruit!
Christopher Titus: It turns out that near-death experiences make Erin... *hot*!
Christopher Titus: Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my 8 track!
[the 8 track player is thrown at Ken]
Ken Titus: Duck, boy!
Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my cassette deck!
[the cassette deck is thrown at Ken]
Ken Titus: Duck, boy!
Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my CD player!
[the CD player is thrown at Ken]
Christopher Titus: Yeah!
[Titus gets hit with the CD player]
Ken Titus: What? Do I always have to say "Duck, boy"?
Christopher Titus: According to the Los Angeles Times, 63% of families in America are now considered dysfunctional. That means that I'm in the majority. It's the people with the mom, dad, brother, sister, white picket fence, those people are the *freaks*!
Ken Titus: Erin is a keeper. She's the kind of woman you could maybe spend six or seven years with.
Christopher Titus: Dad, you're safe here, you're among friends, okay? I just want you to know that I give you my - my love and my forgiveness.
Ken Titus: Great. I'll put that in my tool shed with all the other crap I don't use.
Christopher Titus (age 5): Dad, teacher said we can be anything we wanted to be.
Ken Titus: She wasn't talking to you son. Now, go in the backyard and practice digging some holes.
[bursting into a hung-over Chris' room]
Ken Titus: You wanna tell me why my car is parked at such an odd angle on the porch across the street?
Christopher Titus: Erin is a caretaker. She takes care of everything. Stray dogs, stray cats, stray fishes. I don't know were she gets them.
Christopher Titus: Erin starts every morning by saying the word happy ten times. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, pfft, urk!
Erin (Age 5): Mommy, smoking causes cancer.
Erins Mom: Mommy wants cancer, honey. Because of your daddy.
Erin (Age 5): Happy, happy, happy happy...
Christopher Titus: Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
Christopher Titus: Dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Juanita Titus: [yelling at Ken in a bar] I want a divorce!
Ken Titus: [turning to the woman sitting next to him] Hi.
Christopher Titus: I was raised by Ken Titus. I can see BS through eight miles of led enforced concrete through a blizzard and... hey, where are you going?
[Titus is encased in a block of ice - the result of trying to teach Dave independence and self-reliance... ]
Christopher Titus: The truth HURTS.
[Mumbles unintelligible sentences and an expletive that was deleted]
Christopher Titus: DAVE!
Christopher Titus: Marriage is sacred, my dad said marriage is sacred, AAAHHHH!
Christopher Titus: If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Christopher Titus: My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
Christopher Titus: Cain slew Abel... oh, happy, happy Cain
Christopher Titus: I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Christopher Titus: Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party.
Christopher Titus: I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Christopher Titus: [explaining to his mother] Erin is in there. And between the two of us we have only two personalities. Oh, except when I get to be the lucky burglar.
Christopher Titus: It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
Ken Titus: Tommy, this is Clyde. He knows how to squeeze a ball!
Christopher Titus (age 5): Dad, what's gay?
Ken Titus: Son... gay... is when, two men... make God cry!
Ken Titus: Oh, great. How much is this going to cost me?
Christopher Titus (age 5): I want my mommy back!
Ken Titus: $40?
Christopher Titus: Dad! What are you doing here?
Ken Titus: I'm just here to make sure that Tommy's new girlfriend doesn't have an Adam's apple.
Christopher Titus: [has a car with the front end jacked up]
Ken Titus: Did you remember to block the wheels?
Christopher Titus: I know how to change a tire, Dad. Ur.
[the car falls on Christopher]
Christopher Titus: What did we learn?
Christopher Titus: [from under the car sounding like the wind got knocked out of him] Cars are heavy.
Ken Titus: Ur.
Christopher Titus: The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Christopher Titus: Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty - mmm mmm."
Christopher Titus: Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
Christopher Titus: Girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, a chick came up with that.
Ken Titus: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club. You put a twenty in your zipper and back out slowly.
[preparing to kidnap his son]
Ken Titus: I pull it off, or I spend my life in Detroit in prison. Which is redundant.
Tommy Shafter: Oh, good, your mom checks her answering machine.
Christopher Titus: Yes, and she also checks under her bed for dust bunnies because they talk to her!
Christopher Titus: Every woman that has ever loved my dad has tried killing him.
Erin Fitzpatrick: What's funny about that?
Christopher Titus: Laughter, absolute terror, fine line.
Christopher Titus: Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus: If Dad's gay, then look up, because Jesus is a'comin'.
Christopher Titus: You said that I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
Ken Titus: You took that as an insult?
[after Perry bursts into the house]
Fay Shafter: Perry!
Erin Fitzpatrick: Mr. Shafter!
Tommy Shafter: Dad!
Ken Titus: Homo!
Christopher Titus: What does it say on the back of that jacket?
Tommy Shafter: It says "Titus High Performance."
Christopher Titus: Are you Titus? Are you Performance? Are you *high*?
Dave Titus: I decided what I'm going to do with my life. I joined the Army.
Chris Titus: Okay, Dave, one question. *WHY*?
Dave Titus: "I'm getting married in five days." Lies, lies, lies!
Juanita Titus: You ruined my life, you bastard!
Ken Titus: You're late! This car's a piece of crap. Where did you get it anyways? It looks like an old man's car! I'll be inside. And park it around back!
Christopher Titus: Dave, the cell phone is from both of us, OK?
Christopher Titus: [title card reads: "Marijuana task force cam"] Dave, when are you moving out?
Dave: After the harvest.
Tommy Shafter: [while they are being shot at] I never got to sleep with Erin.
[pause, awkward stares]
Tommy Shafter: I have thoughts!
Christopher Titus: Shoulda taken that one to the grave!
Christopher Titus: Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Tommy Shafter: [dressed as a clown on Amy's birthday] Hallo, Amy, it's your day-my!
Amy Fitzpatrick: Couldn't you just have sent me a fruit basket?
Christopher Titus: If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
Christopher Titus: Dave has his moments. In fact, if you let Dave hit on a typewriter for, like a thousand years, he would eventually type the word monkey. In fact, he would only type the word monkey. That's his favourite word.
Ken Titus: What'd you bring me, fruit?
Tommy Shafter: No, too much sugar in fruit.
Ken Titus: No, I'm calling *you* a fruit!
Christopher Titus: Dad thought you could get through anything if you just "quit being a wussy!" You could get your arm ripped off; Dad would find the arm, get some packing tape and... strap it back on.
Tommy Shafter: I *nailed* your sister!
Christopher Titus: [smugly] That's great, but there's something you should remember: you also nailed *his* daughter.
[points to Ken behind Tommy]
Christopher Titus (age 5): Look Dad, I'm gonna be an astronaut.
Ken Titus: Oh yeah? Good. 'Cause my beer is weightless. Why don't you launch over to planet refrigerator and get me another one.