Bad Girls (1999–2006)
Cassie Tyler: I'm not in the habit of ballsing things up.
Barbara Hunt: In here on holiday, are you?
Denny Blood: Oi, posh bitch. Is "arseholes" all one word?
Monica Lindsey: No, it's hyphenated. As in "arse-licker"
Sylvia Hollamby: Do I look like I was born yesterday?
Yvonne Atkins: Not unless you age at the speed of light.
Shaz Wiley: What?
Karen Betts: Oh, I don't know... How 'bout the truth?
Shaz Wiley: All right, your career's gone down the bog and your hair looks like crap, Miss.
Denny Blood: Do "Stand By Your Man"
Michelle "Shell" Dockely: How can she do that when she's dead, stupid?
Yvonne Atkins: I'd rather trust a nonce in a playground than you, Fenner.
Sylvia Hollamby: Joan McParlan?
Sylvia Hollamby: ... Sister Thomas Moore?
[Sister Thomas stands]
Sylvia Hollamby: If you think you have the right to call yourself that... been stealing from the poor little black babbies, haven't you? There really isn't anyone you can trust these days.
Sister Thomas More: If you consider stealing - to be making sure that money raised by generous Christians actually goes direct to the mission it was intended - then I'm guilty as charged. But I'd rather think, that helping the poor and starving of Africa is more important than lining in the pockets of greedy administrators in London.
Sylvia Hollamby: Don't give me that - embezzlement and theft! You can stand there looking all saintly with your rosary and that gettup... but your worse than a common thief! Using God to cover up your crimes!
Sister Thomas More: I see you've made your mind up about me and I'm sorry about that, but I'm quite prepared to spend six months of the given sentence if it is God's will. He knows righteousness, and he is the only judge I bow before.
Helen Stewart: You had no right taking advantage of me.
Nikki Wade: Well put me down the block then. Go on... Rule 47, subsection 16, being disrespectful to the wing governor - by kissing her.
Yvonne Atkins: I wouldn't trust that little psycho with my toe nail clippings. Would you, Babs?
Barbara Hunt: Probably not.
Sharon 'Shaz' Wylie: You gotta laugh, ain't ya? I mean there's us saying we done murder on her and all it took were a nut.
Karen Betts: If you think that's funny then I suggest there's something seriously wrong with your attitude.
Dominic McCallister: Renee Williams? Sentenced to 18 months?
Renee Williams: Congratulations, you've won a car.
Dominic McCallister: Comedian, are we?
Renee Williams: This place fills me full of laughs.
Dominic McCallister: Any medical problems?
Renee Williams: Why don't you examine me to find out, darlin'?
Dominic McCallister: [annoyed] Any medical problems?
Renee Williams: No.
Dominic McCallister: Right let's see what we've got in here.
Renee Williams: You better make sure no one gets their frigging thieving fingers on that stuff.
Dominic McCallister: Don't worry. We keep all the thieves under lock and key. That's why you're here in case you forgot.
Renee Williams: Who's the comedian now?
Jim Fenner: I'm gonna swing for that bloody cow one of these days.
Sylvia Hollamby: You'll get in line like the rest of us.
Sylvia Hollamby: Zandra Plackett's got more junk in her than Steptoe's back yard.
Michelle 'Shell' Dockley: I've given up all your God bollocks, Crystal, cause it don't change nothing.
Crystal Gordon: It changes where you go when you die. You two-faced bitch.
Jim Fenner: Ah, but you see, I blame you Helen, cause everytime I walk in here, I have to face the evil cow who came that far away from killing me.
[indicates a small distance with his thumb and forefinger]
Helen Stewart: Well, let's hope the next time she's *that* much luckier.
Julie j: What are you going to call yourself Yvonne?
Yvonne Atkins: Oh, it's gotta be a name with discipline for me, girls. Call me Sylvia Hollamby, the stern screw that likes strictness and spanking. Disobedience will be severely dealt with.
Helen Stewart): Thomas is gorgeous and he's everything you would want in a man, but I want a woman.
[after being caught kissing a fellow inmate]
Helen Stewart: What is going on?
Nikki Wade: I thought that was blindingly obvious.
Helen Stewart: My officers are trained professionals.
Nikki Wade: Well, if Fenner's anything to go by, you'd be better off training chimpanzees.
[During a riot]
Helen Stewart: This is a Governor's order:
Helen Stewart: Get back to your cells, now.
Shell Dockley: Oi Wade. Did you have a good time with the squat squad?
Nikki Wade: Yeah, fantastic... well I did with the good-looking one.
Nikki Wade: Another day gone Monica. How many you've got left?
Monica Lindsey: Not many I hope. What about you?
Nikki Wade: Roughly...? 3655.
Shell Dockley: Well I'm going back to my cell now; see if I can remember where I hid that nice, sharp razor blade.
Nikki Wade: Dockley, do us all a favour; when you find it, use it on yourself.
Nikki Wade: What the screws ought to do and what they get away with, it's criminal.
Dominic McCallister: Nikki...
Nikki Wade: I'm fine. I'm bloody marvellous being locked up in here 24 hours a day.
Nikki Wade: So why are you seeing them?
Barbara Hunt: Well I'm assuming they've got something to tell me.
Nikki Wade: What, like piss off and die?
Sylvia Hollamby: If you think we're manning the barricades while you drool and dribble into that thing then...
Gina Rossi: Cut the crap, Sylvia. You never ring your old man to tell him to get your haemorrhoid cream? Poor sod.
Sylvia Hollamby: You leave my Bobby out of it.
Sylvia Hollamby: You know, I'm not convinced he's a lawyer, he didn't look devious enough.
Jim Fenner: What is it with you Stewart? Just gotta look at a murderer and you go moist.
Helen Stewart: You're out of line Jim.
Jim Fenner: Thanks to you, I had to walk back on this wing with a nuter who tried to stick me and now you're telling me that Nikki Wade, The cop killer, is innocent too. You make me sick.
Helen Stewart: Well that is a relief, if you'd approved I'd known I was doing something wrong. Get outta my face.
Nikki Wade: All I think about in here is why I want to stick bottles in men in uniform.
Jim Fenner: Glad to see you've still got your sense of humour Wade.
Nikki Wade: About the only thing you can't get your hands on innit?
Helen Stewart: You know one of the best things about walking away from a job? All of sudden you realise you've got nothing left to lose... I may be on my way out Jim but I am gonna drag you all the way down with me. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Karen Betts: That little incident, giving the hand-job under the table in the visitor's room, didn't help you much.
Julie, J: But...
Julie, J: That was nothing.
Karen Betts: It's out of my hands... No pun intended.
Nikki Wade: I can't keep it at the right temperature.
Julie, J: Well, what we thought was, we could all take in turns to come out and hug it.
Nikki Wade: Pardon?
Julie, J: Body heat. You now? Thought we could take it in turns.
Nikki Wade: You can count me out. What about at night? Doesn't it have to be kept warm permanently?
Julie Saunders: Does it? Oh, shit.
Nikki Wade: No, let me say it for her. What was she telling us is that none of us are safe in here, ain't she? Cause even if we're bleeding to death, we don't get believed. Well, I'm telling her from us, you lot can't run this prison unless we help you. And if we don't get respect from your screws, don't think we're gonna make you look good in front of you VIP visitors cause we're not. So you can shove your stupid fashion show up your arse.
Helen Stewart: Fine. CONSIDER IT CANCELLED! THIS WING WILL NOT BE TAKING PART. And *you* are on rule 43. Lock 'em up.
[Two members of the DST walks in]
Nikki Wade: Wow, are you both for me?
Gina Rossi: You gonna shut it Wade or what?
Nikki Wade: I want to see her!
Gina Rossi: Yeah? Well I want Ricky Martin in my shower every morning but life's a bitch like that.
Frances Myers: If I find anything you're mine, for a very long time.
Phyl Oswyn: But my heart belongs to Daddy.
Darlene Cake: You scared I'm going to carve somebody wit dem Jammie Dodger?
Darlene Cake: You must got to let me smoke da wisdom weed or you is oppressin' me!
Crystal Gordon: [a woman of African decent] Any of you seen my hair oil?
Denny Blood: No.
Crystal Gordon: Where is it then
[looks at Renee, who is smiling at her]
Crystal Gordon: What are you grinning at? Did you take my hair oil?
Renee Williams: After you used it? Are you joking!
Crystal Gordon: Well someone did! £2.50 that cost me!
Crystal Gordon: I hope you know what the bible says about a knife through a knife!
Renee Williams: 'Ere
[throws a banana at her]
Renee Williams: Maybe that'll take your mind off it!
Crystal Gordon: Right, I'm going straight to Betts!
Renee Williams: I thought you liked bananas! So much for being generous, then. Would you rather have an apple, then?
[bursts in laughter]
Sylvia Hollamby: You don't know what Bobby and I are going through right now. Shall I tell you how many people he's buried in the first half of this tax year? Five... and two of them were children
Jim Fenner: Shit, poor kids!
Sylvia Hollamby: Poor us, Jim! Half the coffin, half the profit!
[about Shell Dockley]
Sylvia Hollamby: And now we wake up to this nightmare coming back to haunt us! Why couldn't you have chucked her in the canal and drowned her properly!
Jim Fenner: I'll tell you why, because she's pregnant!
Phyl Oswyn: [after Bev is back from seeing the guv] So what did you tell that half-wit?
Bev Tull: I went to tell her that you have nothing to do with my situation.
[opens their secret drug cupboard]
Bev Tull: That you're clean.
Phyl Oswyn: The piss tests will tell her that.
Bev Tull: Oh, thank you.
[pulls out some drugs]
Bev Tull: Oh, thank God I had a bit put by for emergencies.
Phyl Oswyn: What are you doing?
Bev Tull: Well, what's it look like?
Phyl Oswyn: [tries to snatch the drugs] You give me that!
Bev Tull: [pulls away] Look just get *off* me! You're not my keeper.
Phyl Oswyn: God help you! If you mentioned anything!
Bev Tull: Would I bite the hand that feeds? I took the rap for everything. I'd like to think we might take that into consideration for the future. Your business activities can continue? unhindered.
Phyl Oswyn: [after seeing Neil Grayling approaching] By your beds, here's Gaylord.
Tina Purvis: Hiya, Mrs Hollamby! Bet you didn't expect to see me again so soon, eh?
Sylvia Hollamby: I'm surprised it's taken you as long, O'Kane - your sort always get vertigo on the straight and narrow.
Jim Fenner: [about Colin] Someone's been sleeping in the knife drawer.
Jim Fenner: [addressing G-Wing] A lot of you already know me, those of you who don't, well, you will. I've got a lifetime of experience in this service and if it's taught me one thing, there's no point in a "them and us" inside these walls. I run a regime based on co-operation and respect. Now that works both ways - you respect me, I'll respect you. You don't... well, you'll wish you had.
Tina Purvis: [about Fenner] He's like a flippin' boomerang - he just keeps coming back.
Julie Saunders: A bit like you, Teen.
Julie Johnston: Fenner's more like herpes, that keeps comin' back n'all.
Phyl Oswyn: [referring to Fenner's return] At least we know what the topic of conversation is going to be for the next six months.
Julie Johnston: You may be able to scam some of the newer girls, Fenner, but we know what colour your shit is.
Janine Nebeski: Listen, yeah. I didn't really understand what that eye doctor was goin' on about. Erm, well, I mean, I'm just askin', yeah, I will be able to see again, won't I?
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: The ophthalmologist says your cornea's scratched, so keep taking Cloranfenicol to avoid any enophthalmitis and you might make some progress.
Janine Nebeski: Sorry to bother you, sir...
Jim Fenner: It's Nebreastski, isn't it?
Janine Nebeski: Nebeski. Janine Nebeski.
Colin Hedges: [handing Sylvia an envelope] Looks official.
Sylvia Hollamby: Dear God, what have I done now?
Sylvia Hollamby: You! Tull!
Bev Tull: [turns to face Sylvia and gasps] Mrs. Hollamby, you look appalling!
Phyl Oswyn: You've swollen up like a balloon.
Sylvia Hollamby: No thanks to you. All that drink-your-own-urine nonsense. You've been having me on, admit it.
Bev Tull: I've told you all I know. I mean, I never believed it would work because I never believed in the stupid curse in the first place. But, if you want to drink your own wee four times a day...
Sylvia Hollamby: [interrupting] Four times a day?
Bev Tull: It's all to do with a regular dosage of uric acid.
Sylvia Hollamby: You never said four times. I can barely bare to choke it down once a day.
Bev Tull: Well, then don't. I mean, I'm only responsible for serving you tea and biscuits.
Julie Saunders: Bleedin' cancer might come back and beat me, but I ain't gonna let Fenner.
Colin Hedges: Everything and everyone in this world is just shit!
Bev Tull: [to Frank] You know, I can't remember the last time anybody bought me a present. You're like a knight in shining... well, a white van.
Tina Purvis: What you playing at? I'm doing the sodding lot out here.
Phyl Oswyn: Careful, Tina, the Voodoo Dolly might hear you.
Sylvia Hollamby: I wouldn't let that concern you, O'Kane.
[to Phyl and Bev]
Sylvia Hollamby: Seems that Voodoo Doll turned out to be my lucky charm - thanks to an inheritance, I'm a property millionairess. Now get off your backsides and start working or you're sacked!
Janine Nebeski: I can make myself useful - pick pockets, whatever. I'm good at nickin'.
Natalie Buxton: So that's why you're banged up for it, yeah.
Tina Purvis: [to Phyl and Bev] 'Ere! You pair must think I'm a right muppet! Every time I turn round, you two have f'ed off somewhere.
Bev Tull: You have our sincere apologies.
Tina Purvis: Yeah, well you can stick 'em up your chuff 'cause I ain't putting up with it no more.
[a man, accompanied by Di, is moving hairdressing equipment into the two Julies' cell]
Julie Saunders: What you puttin' it in here for?
Di Barker: Because this is your new salon.
Julie Saunders: You're having a flippin' laugh, int ya?
Di Barker: Even the best hairdressers had to start somewhere.
Julie Johnston: Not in a bleedin' cell, they never!
Jim Fenner: [to the two Julies] Cheer up, ladies. What am I saying? Of course! You two have got sod all to be happy about, haven't you?
Arun Parmar: [throwing her clothes at Janine] Why don't you give her these as well? Take everything! And, if that's not enough, then come back and take my life because I would rather be dead than beaten up.
Arun Parmar: Look, all Natalie wants is for you to stop being a grass. So just learn your lesson.
Arun Parmar: [raises her top to reveal her badly bruised body] Look what you did to me, Janine.
Janine Nebeski: Look, I didn't want to, did I? I had to... otherwise it is me that's gonna end up friggin' dead.
Arun Parmar: I don't know how you can live with yourself.
Natalie Buxton: Oi! They better sack that bitch after what she did to me.
Colin Hedges: She didn't do that much damage, your mouth's still working.
Di Barker: I'll be off now.
Sylvia Hollamby: I sometimes wonder who's got more rights, us or the cons.
Di Barker: I'll soon be back.
Sylvia Hollamby: Course.
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: Jim'll fix it.
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: [walking into a pawn brokers, looking for an engagement ring] Looking for something conventional, not too pricy. How about that top one there, how much is that?
Sales Assistant: A hundred and fifty, sir.
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: Good God!
Sales Assistant: Well, it's nine-carrot gold and it's got the...
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: [interrupting] Forget the pitch! Much too expensive.
Sales Assistant: [she shows Malcolm some cheaper rings] Well, we've got these.
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: Ah, yes. That's more like it.
Sales Assistant: Only... they're cubic zircon, they're not real diamonds.
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: Yeah, well it's the sparkle, isn't it? I can't tell the difference.
Sales Assistant: Er, do you know the size you'd like, sir?
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: Well, how big's a pork sausage? I don't know! Fairly large!
Sales Assistant: That'll be twenty-nine pounds and ninety-nine pence.
Dr. Malcolm Nicholson: I trust you'll throw in a presentation box.
Julie Johnston: She didn't do it!
Julie Saunders: Ju!
Julie Johnston: I did it! I killed Fenner!
Pat Kerrigan: No, you didn't! Neither of you did - it was me. I killed Fenner!
Arun Parmar: No, she didn't - I did.
Sheena Williams: No, I killed Fenner.
Tina Purvis: No, it weren't - it was me. I killed Fenner.
Janine Nebeski: No, piss on this! I killed Fenner.
Darlene Cake: And me, I killed Fenner.
[further inmates stand up announcing "I killed Fenner"]
Phyl Oswyn: It was bad enough before I went away, now it's a bloody mad house.
Bev Tull: Welcome to the asylum!
[she stands up]
Bev Tull: Actually, I killed Fenner!
Michelle "Shell" Dockely: What you in here for then? Nicking gob-stoppers?
Sharon 'Shaz' Wylie: [to Shell] Triple murder
[to Denny about playing pool]
Sharon 'Shaz' Wylie: You wanna break?
Yvonne Atkins: [about Denny's mum] What was you expecting to happen?
Denny Blood: Just that she'd love me
Yvonne Atkins: But the trouble is you can't buy people's love. They either give it to you, or they don't.
Denny Blood: Well, why is it always don't with me?
Christy: Evening everyone, I'm the new Chaplain here at Larkhall.
Natalie Buxton: Stick your prayer book up your muff.
[Holds up a heavy bible]
Christy: Even with God's help that would be a bit difficult. But he has been said to work miracles.
Al Mackenzie: [In an attempt to stop the prison being privatized, the women have taken actor Christopher Biggins, whilst visiting the prison, hostage. He is keeping them entertained with a Shakespearean monologue] This is pish!
Christopher Biggins: I'm doing my BEST! What do you want? Prozzie jokes?
Julie Johnston: Prozzie jokes?
Julie Saunders: Excuse me?
Julie Johnston: Punters is the only jokes we know.
Christopher Biggins: Sorry, no offence intended.
Sylvia Hollamby: Age?
Laura Canning: Eighteen.
Laura Canning: Religion?
Laura Canning: Christian.
Sylvia Hollamby: Hmm... Next of Kin?
Laura Canning: [shakes her head no]
Sylvia Hollamby: Dispatched them all, have you?