Gal: This is madness, I've had enough of this "Crime and Punishment" bollocks. I'm happy here.
Don: I won't let you be happy, why should I?
Gal: I'd be useless.
Gal: I would be.
Don: In what way?
Gal: In every fucking way.
Don: Why are you swearing? I'm not swearing.
Don: I love you, Gal. You're lovable. Big lovable bloke. Loveable lump. Loveable lummox. Gal Dove, party boy. Big oaf.
Don: I fucked Jackie. Dirty cow. During what we were doing, she tried to stick her finger up my bum. I nearly hit the roof, you can imagine. I mean, what have you got to think of a woman who'd want to do that?
Don: Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Gal: I am going to have to turn this opportunity down.
Don: No, you are going to have to turn this opportunity yes!
Don: Shut up, cunt. You louse. You got some fuckin' neck ain't you. Retired? Fuck off, you're revolting. Look at your suntan, it's leather, it's like leather man, your skin. We could make a fucking suitcase out of you. Like a crocodile, fat crocodile, fat bastard. You look like fucking Idi Amin, you know what I mean? Stay here? You should be ashamed of yourself. Who do you think you are? King of the castle? Cock of the walk?
[He gut-punches Gal]
Don: What you think this is the wheel of fortune? You think you can make your dough and fuck off? Leave the table? Thanks Don, see you Don, off to sunny Spain now Don, fuck off Don. Lying in your pool like a fat blob laughing at me, you think I'm gonna have that? You really think I'm gonna have that, ya ponce. All right, I'll make it easy for you. God knows you're fucking trying. Are you gonna do the job? It's not a difficult question, are you gonna do the job, yes or no?
Teddy Bass: What are you staring at?
Harry: The back of your head.
Teddy Bass: Well don't. Stare at the back of your own fucking head.
Don: Talk to me, Gal. I'm here for you. I'm a good listener.
Gal: What can I say, Don? I've said it all. I'm retired.
Don: Shut up.
Don: I gotta change my shirt, it's sticking to me. I'm sweating like a cunt.
Teddy Bass: Where there's a will - and there is a fucking will - there's a way - and there is a fucking way
Don: You got very nice eyes, DeeDee. Never noticed them before. They real?
Don: But quite frankly your attitude appalls me. It's not what you're saying. It's all this stuff you're not saying. Insinnuendos.
Gal: [Gal is sunbathing by poolside] Oh, yeah. Bloody hell. I'm sweating in here. Roasting. Boiling. Baking. Sweltering. It's like a sauna. Furnace. You can fry an egg on my stomach. Ohh, who wouldn't lap this up? It's ridiculous. Tremendous. Fantastic. Fan-dabby-dozy-tastic.
Gal: People say, "Don't you miss it, Gal?" I say, "What, England? Nah. Fucking place. It's a dump. Don't make me laugh. Grey, grimy, sooty. What a shit hole. What a toilet. Every cunt with a long face shuffling about, moaning, all worried. No thanks, not for me." They say, "What's it like, then, Spain?" And I'll say, "It's hot. Hot. Oh, it's fucking hot. Too hot? Not for me, I love it."
Don: You're the problem! You're the fucking problem you fucking Dr White honkin' jam-rag fucking spunk-bubble! I'm telling you Aitch you keep looking at me I'll put you in the fucking ground, promise you!
Teddy Bass: [raising his glass] Gentlemen! You're all cunts.
Don: Not this time, Gal. Not this time. Not this fucking time. No. No no no no no no no no no! No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no! No! Not this fucking time! No fucking way! No fucking way, no fucking way, no fucking way! You've made me look a right cunt!
Gal: [to Aitch] Fuck off, I'm beautiful.
Teddy Bass: If I cared, Gal, if I fucking cared. If I gave one solitary fuck about Don... get out of the fucking car.
Don: You're on two per cent, two and a half, maybe even three. Depends on the usual bumflufferies. It's not about the money with you and me is it, Gal? It's the charge, it's the bolt, it's the buzz, it's the sheer fuck off-ness of it all. Am I right?
Teddy Bass: [paying him for the job] Well I'm going to give you a tenner. I only have twenties, have you got change?
Don: [Being beaten to death] Cunt! Cunt! You murdering twat!
Don: Yeah, that's what I said. There's me putting my bag up in the cupboard next thing ya know, I feel hands on me. Someone's touched me, touched my front... my front bottom. I can't believe it, I've gone all cold. I look around, he standing there isn't he? That steward with the guilty look on his face. I was shocked, I didn't know what to say. I had to sit down, I was that perturbed. Then his mate, the other one who was giving us all lessons on what we do if we land in the sea. How to wear your life jacket etc; He starts off, he starts looking at my all funny... suggestive. Now I don't know if they're wanting me for a twosome or something, I don't know how they work it. But I'll tell you what, it scared me. I was shaking like a leaf, so without thinking I lit up a cigarette to calm me nerves. I was trembling, I was very emotional and that when all the rest of it happened. It's very regrettable. Now, I don't want to kick up a fuss, right, press charges... contact the British embassy. I'd rather not pursue those chanells, that's not my style. I'm not that sort of a bloke. I don't want to lose the man his job. Man's got to eat. And I'm sure he's not representive of all you Spanish people. But I would appreciate it if you had a word with him, let him know he's been rumbled. The one with the ginger hair.
Aitch: He 'ain't gonna get fuck all with that blunderbluss! He'd be better off with a spear!
Gal: Shut-up Aitch!
Gal: I love you like a rose loves rainwater, like a leopard loves its partner in the jungle, like... I don't know what like.
Don: You ever worked in an office?
Don: Nice telephone voice. I've worked in an office. I was 17. Does that surprise you?
Deedee Dove: What, that you were 17?
Don: [slow malevolent head turn] You got very nice eye, DeeDee. Never noticed them before. They real?
Gal: You were right Don. Technically speaking, you were right. But you're dead. So shut up.
Don: [Barely alive] I fucked Jackie. Fucked her. Ask her, she'll tell you. I fucked her.
Aitch: Yeah, well I've fucked you now, haven't I?
[crushes Don's head with a rock]
Aitch: Look, with this pill, they say you take it and that's it. Your hair don't grow, you don't go bald, it stays the same. You have your hair cut once, in whatever style you want, and it stays like that for the rest of your natural life. It's completely revolutionary.
Jackie: What if you get fed up with your style, you berk?
Aitch: Ahh... Well, that's where the antidote comes in. The whole process is reversible. You just take a different pill. Now, I'm not saying this is gonna happen next year but it will happen, it's definitely coming. Hairdressers are shitting themselves.
Jackie: [cracking up laughing] Shut up!
Aitch: They did a test with three monkeys, right? Gave 'em all a Beatles-style haircut. They've been living with that cut for the past two years. And apparently, they're very happy with it.
Don: No! No no no no no no no no! No! No no no no no no no no no! No! Not this fucking time! No fucking way, no fucking way, no fucking way! No fucking way, you made me look a right cunt!