Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: You know what, Brooke? Cancel my subscription, I'm over your issues.
Mike McQueen: [referring to Brooke's pork chops] Sam, you barely touched anything on your plate.
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: Oh I am a vegetarian.
Jane McPherson: Since when?
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: Since I bit into those pork chops.
April Tuna: Hi Lily E., Josh Ford, I was wondering if you would like to form a ménage?
Josh Ford: I'm failing Spanish April, no el comprende.
Lily Esposito: April! Do you know what that word means? It's... inappropriate.
April Tuna: Does she use five syllable words like that in bed? BRING IT!
Mary Cherry: We're smart, we're witty, and we've got asses that rock!
Cherry Cherry: [about daughter Mary Cherry] She may not be smart or pretty, but she's as loyal as a rottweiler!
[Mary Cherry isn't happy with the pretty Asian exchange student]
Mary Cherry: Exquisite, my ass!... Which Rocks!
Mary Cherry: [after being shown a cheer routine] Do we have to do those splits? I'm a Christian.
Nicole Julian: Sugar D., stop staring at Mary Cherry like she's a Hot Pocket.
Nicole Julian: Sure, I'll put Carmen on the squad. When hell freezes over and/or Melissa Joan Hart gets nominated for an Oscar.
Nicole Julian: You'll play right into Sam's cold, unmoisturized hands.
Mary Cherry: This is worse than Kathie Lee Gifford singing cabaret!
Mary Cherry: I lied about my secret. it's actually more shockin' and scandalous than all yours combined. I slept with Josh too, and Joe at the same time.
Josh Ford: Hey! I'm not like that!
Mary Cherry: Shut your dirty whore mouth, player player! But two men folk could not satisfy my carnal cravings. That's why Lily... slept with us too.
Lily Esposito: I did not!
Mary Cherry: Stop lyin', lil Lilly, you loved it!
Lily Esposito: [on top of Mary Cherry beating her against the sofa] Mary Cherry, you are a total liar. I hate liars and I hate you!
Mary Cherry: Oh, give me... just give me a minute!
Lily Esposito: What?
Mary Cherry: Stop trying to kiss me, Lily.
Carmen Ferrara: [after catching Mary Cherry peeping on the boys in the shower] OK, I have to turn you in, 'cause this is wrong.
Mary Cherry: No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. Carmen, wouldn't you like to know everything there is to know about the mysterious, the debonair... Josh?
Carmen Ferrara: Get rid of that fog, Mary Cherry.
Miss Roberta 'Bobbi' Glass: What in the name of Bob Vila is going on here?
Mary Cherry: It's her fault. She slipped me a ruffie!
Mary Cherry: [after finding out they have been locked in the girls bathroom] Oh, my God, y'all. We're *caged*!
Mary Cherry: What's it gonna take to get me on that squad? Everybody's got a price, even you, whore of Babylon.
Nicole Julian: Funny you should mention demands, back-seat tease. I did some doodling in study hall. Now, obviously I'm a girl in need. However, seeing as we have history, I've decided to lower the list of demands from 300 to 1. Give me your knee.
Mary Cherry: Never. I draw the line at amputation. But, um, I tell you what. I'll give you my uterus and we'll call it a day, okay?
Police Officer: I'm gonna have to give you a ticket
Cherry Cherry: And I'm gonna have to give you the finger.
Police Officer: That's it. I'm booking you! Spread 'em!
Cherry Cherry: Only after a wedding proposal and a credit check!
Nicole Julian: Our next nominee - a size 10 - Mary Cherry!
Cherry Cherry: Dang! She does look as big as a house, don't she?
Nicole Julian: [after Carmen ripped off her shirt] What are you looking at, Salmonella?
April Tuna: A quivering mound of scary flesh. And that's President Salmonella to you. You gonna crawl out the window?
Nicole Julian: No, I'm leaving the same way I came in. Good day.
Harrison John: Mary Cherry, you are the most beautiful women in the world. Will you please cha-cha with me and be my lady?
Mary Cherry: I'd thought you'd never ask, Jose. Shake your booty!
Mary Cherry: I went to Freaknik in Hotlanta and turned the mother out!
Harrison John: I thought that you of all people at this school would be different.
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: I am different.
Harrison John: You want to be unique, sure. Just like everyone else.
Nicole Julian: [about Brooke] I am going to get that bitch.
Mr. McQueen: Are you drunk? I'm calling your mother.
Nicole Julian: Do you think she cares? She doesn't. In fact, the only time I ever get any attention around her is when I've done something particularily horrible. So I guess tonight at prom I'll have to outdo myself.
Big Girl: [wants to fight] Do you like pain?
Nicole Julian: Not in this context.
Nicole Julian: [after punching out a girl for Cherry Cherry] I am one tough bitch.
Mary Cherry: [amazed] You had my back!
Nicole Julian: [pause] No one but me gets to push you around.
Nicole Julian: [to Brooke] Maybe 10 years of vomiting has ruptured your ear drums.
Brooke McQueen: You're going to apologize to Sam and call George and tell him you can't go to prom. Do you hear me? Are you getting this? You're not going because its the right thing to do.
Nicole Julian: You are so full of shit. Everything I told Sam was true. You are setting everything up so that Harrison compares you to her and chooses you. The only reason you want George free is so she has someone to fall on.
Brooke McQueen: That's not true.
Nicole Julian: I know you Brooke, I know you hate to lose. And i know you thing you hate me right now. But you really will, when one day you step into Harrison's house and see me straddling him.
Brooke McQueen: [slaps her]
Nicole Julian: [slaps her back] Don't mess with me Brooke.
Brooke McQueen: You are not going to prom. I will see to that.
Nicole Julian: I am going, and there's nothing you can do about it. And if you think that I"m scared of you throwing your weight around...
Nicole Julian: ...step on a scale.
Josh Ford: Damn!
Lily Esposito: [flinch]
Josh Ford: [shocked] Lily why are you flinching? Baby, you know I would never hurt you. Why did you flinch?
Lily Esposito: [crying] I don't know.
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: I miss you so much Dad. I ache over it. I don't like the person I've become. I know you know I'm in a henious living situation now. In my heart I know you want my mom to be happy and she's trying so hard but I keep screwing it up. I feel like I never had the chance to say good-bye to you.
Nicole Julian: J.Lo has no shame. If I had an ass that big I wouldn't leave the house.
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: [tied up] I've lost feeling in my fingers.
Mary Cherry: Aw. Poor boiling water over Sam's hands.
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: No I'm good!
Lily Esposito: Herbal things. They guarantee breat size enlargement in days!
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: They're snake oil!
Lily Esposito: I don't care what they're made of I need breasts!
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: Drop those pills!
Carmen Ferrara: What is it?
Samantha 'Sam' McPherson: Sorry. Therapist/Client priveledge.
Harrison John: I am also forced to admit that Brooke's other accusations are also true. I have been taking painkillers... for pain! And the reason is... I have Leukemia. Therefore, I'm withdrawing from the race. Because I have to fight my own battles. And until I do, I'm in no way ready to fight yours. And Brooke... as in fact the winner, I hope that you learned a lesson a good friend of mine just taught me. That when darkness approaches, you have to muster your courage... and harness your strength... and stare it straight in the eye, because that's the only way you can live with yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me, my best friend Sam's going to take me to the hospital.