Guest House Paradiso (1999)
Richard Twat: Will you stop making those owl noises?
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Sorry
Richard Twat: Now come on
[Rich slips and lands with his eye in the candle]
Richard Twat: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH
[Lights go out then Eddy lights another candle]
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Rich are you alright?
Richard Twat: Candle in the eye.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: What?
Richard Twat: Candle in the eye
[rich points to his eye]
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Oh righto
[Eddy shoves the candle in Richies unburnt eye]
Richard Twat: AAAARRRGGGGGHHH
Richard Twat: I trust you've slept well?
Mr Johnson: We had rather a rough night actually.
Richard Twat: Ah well, the perils of adultery.
Richard Twat: Ah! Good evening, Miss Carbonara.
Gina Carbonara: Good evening, Mr. Twat.
Richard Twat: It's cunt!
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: [Explosion. Miss Carbonara raises an enquiring eyebrow] Mice. Basque separatist mice.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Chef's hurt himself.
Richard Twat: How badly?
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Indescribably badly. He hit his head on a frying pan seventeen times.
Mr Johnson: I merely brushed your arm!
Richard Twat: Well, we have already established that you're a liar, Mr Jones.
Mr Johnson: Look, Mr Twat...
Richard Twat: It's pronounced "Thwaite"!
Mr Johnson: Well, It's spelled twat.
[pointing at Richie's name on the desk]
Mr Johnson: T-W-A-T Twat!
Richard Twat: Could you keep your voice down please? We do have normal guests, as well.
Richard Twat: [opens the till and finds it empty] What are the advance bookings, like?
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Ah, not too good.
Richard Twat: [shuts the till] Ooooooooh, God!
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Come on, Richie, it's not that bad.
Richard Twat: Yes, it is, I just trapped the tip of my penis in the till drawer!
Mrs Foxfur: [Eddie open the till] Oh, Mr Twat!
Richard Twat: It's Thwaite,
Richard Twat: I thought you said the guests have gone.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: I thought she was dead.
Richard Twat: As we always say at the Guest House Paradiso: Have fun, don't go in the water if you know what's good for you and try not to get shit on the sheets.
Richard Twat: Chef I thought I told you to get this tap thing fixed - It's a fire hazard!
Chef: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!
Richard Twat: ...Very good chef. Carry on. Is breakfast, well on the way?
Gina Carbonara: Gino, what are you doing? This was my mother's dress! And my grandmother's dress before that!
Gino Bolognese: Dammit, that's OK! Bring them all! I'll fuck them too! I am one FUCKY guy!
Saucy Wood Nymph: Come gather, saucy wood nymphs, come from your groves! It is Richie!
Richard Twat: [Delighted to see he is surrounded by five scantily dressed wood nymphs] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, birds!
Saucy Wood Nymph: Come, love nymphs. Out of respect for Richie, let us all take out our great knockers, and wobble them about a bit.
Saucy Wood Nymph: Oh yes, do let's!
Saucy Wood Nymph: No, other love nymphs. First let us open our magic fairy briefcases, and shower our lord with bundles of unmarked tenners. Erotically.
All: Hurrah, yes! What a smashing idea!
Saucy Wood Nymph: But first, proud firm young maidens who are definitely on for it, let us anoint him with pints of super-strength illegal cider!
All: Oh yes, let's!
[All wood nymphs throw pints of cider over a surprised Richie. One of the nymphs has changed into Eddie who laughs maniacally]
Richard Twat: Settle, birds!
[Richie is doused in cider by five copies of Eddie who keeps laughing, until Richie wakes up from his dream]
Mrs Hardy: He's a black belt in karate, you know.
Richard Twat: More like a pink belt in hanging about gentlemen's lavatories on Hamstead Heath.
Richard Twat: I trust you two both washed.
Mr Johnson: Actually, the water was cold.
Richard Twat: That's no reason not to wash, is it? Good grief, we are British, you know. We invented cold showers to stop people masturbating. Oh, I see, maybe that's why you are so upset about the lack of hot water.
Richard Twat: Now, this is the light switch which is on a timer which will give you plenty of time to take your key and insert it in the...
[light goes out]
Richard Twat: ... Arse!
Damien Nice: Insert it in your arse?
Richard Twat: What about that ring
Mrs Nice: I never take it off.
Richard Twat: Well what about the watch then? Is that expensive?
Mr Nice: Oh, it's just a cheap copy.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Well that will do, the pawnbroker is very shortsighted.
Richard Twat: EDDIE! means, that you don't need a watch in paradise. Time... stops here
[Mr. Nice hands over the watch]