Ninja and the Warriors of Fire (1987)

User Rating:

2.7/10   

Director:

Godfrey Ho

Release Date:

1 January 1987 (Hong Kong)

Cast

Peter Davis
Jeff Houston
Glen Carson
Christine Warren
Julie Luk

Also Known As:

Ninja 8: Warriors of Fire (USA)

Country:

Hong Kong

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Crazy Like A Bee whoops ass!

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

Brace thyself for here's yet another cut & splice ninja masterwork *splutter!* brought to us by legendary hack Tomas Tang (a pseudonym ostensibly used by various Hong Kong film makers including the infamous Godfrey Ho!)

This one tells the story of the black ninja empire who are trying to get their evil paws on some top secret Blueprints. Apparently the relevant documents are in the possession of a chap named Robin who the ninja thus resolve to kidnap. Credit where credit's due though, Robin puts up quite a fight – at least for a while, for he is eventually subdued and taken to the ninja boss, Victor, who for reasons best known to himself and against the accepted colour code, dresses in red….erm…OK.

But wait….Victor seems to recognise Robin from his Nam days…

Around about this time we also learn that Robin was engaged to be married the following day to Mary (who appears courtesy of a completely different film!) Obviously Robin is not able to attend the ceremony thus prompting a worried party to approach Alfred to investigate what has become of him. Who the hell is Alfred you may ask – bear with me on this… Two of Alfred's men go to meet Jenson who they believe may have the relevant info on Robin's whereabouts. Suddenly (as is very common in these films) a fight breaks out for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile as poor old Robin is being tortured by his ninja captors, he manages to unmask Victor. It transpires that when their unit was captured by the VC back in Nam, Victor fearing for his life spilt the beans to the enemy. (As music from Kelly's Heroes plays in the background!)

We next see Mary being paid a visit by some thugs who think that she may know where the blueprints are hidden. She denies any knowledge so they beat and rape her viciously. Mary tragically expires from her resulting injuries thus prompting her sister and bridesmaid, Jenny to swear the obligatory oath of revenge. Jenny goes to Alfred's house and starts begging and crying at the door for his help. Being the charitable soul he is, Alfred eventually opens the door and beats the hell out of her (!!!!) However, seeing how she takes her beating so well, he eventually agrees to train her in the arts of the Ninja. Part of her initiation involves him tattooing her body and giving her a new name, 'Crazy Like A Bee' (is this guy some sicko or what?!) In what seems like no time at all, Jenny is ordained into the white ninja empire (sworn enemies of the black ninja) which is headed by a man named Jefferson.

The stage is now set for Jenny to avenge her sisters death but not before she sits down and reads a number of letters from someone called Alex. Yes I know, 'Who the hell is Alex?' Again, bear with me on this…

The black ninja are none too pleased when they learn that Jenny has joined their arch rivals and decide to have the white ninja clan eliminated starting with Alfred who is promptly blown up by Jenson.

Meanwhile Jenny locates and murders one of the thugs who killed her sister by literally scaring him to death in a bizarre scene involving 'ghosts'.

We next cut back to Victor who is talking to an as yet unseen character in an office somewhere. Victor relays that Robin has been rescued. The next scene shows Jefferson, the white ninja leader, rescuing Robin from some black ninja – HOLD ON!!!!! Victor said that Robin had been rescued before this scene! What the hell?!?!?!? Was this an out of sequence editing mistake or is Victor blessed with the gift of precognition or something?!?!?

Anyway, Robin, who seems to know Jefferson somehow, doesn't take the news of Mary's death very well and subsequently runs ranting up a hill in a grotesque display of bad acting.

Back to Jenny next, who finishes killing the remaining thugs. She then bumps off Jenson and discovers that it was Mark who ordered her sister's death…..Eh?! Mark?! – He turns out to be the guy who Victor was talking to earlier in the office. Jenny subsequently challenges Mark to a dice game (eh?!) but he beats her soundly – his dice-fu has to be seen to be believed! Matters reach a climax with Jenny taking on Mark face to face, him armed with a gun and her with ……a small hand held fan(!!!) Mark predictably gets the upper hand but just as he is about to finish Jenny off, Alex jumps into the path of the last bullet. Remember Alex? He wrote Jenny letters earlier. Well he turns out to be Mark's son! Mark devastated at having inadvertently murdered his own offspring, immediately takes his own life with Jenny's fan(!)

Finally Robin dons full army gear and goes up against the black ninja clan. He's doing OK to, until that is some sneaky ninja throw ropes around his limbs and proceed to perform the most inhumane torture imaginable upon him….they spin him around and around!!!! My God - How much more sadistic can you get?! Victor is just about to shoot Robin when Jefferson suddenly appears in the nick of time!

A decidedly poorly choreographed final fight ensues during which Victor is the eventual victor after he shoots bullets from his fingertips into his adversary(!!!) This prompts Robin to shoot Victor in the back (during which one of the squib detonators is clearly seen falling out of the actors' costume!!!) There follows a tear jerking scene (of laughter that is) with the dying Jefferson and Victor exchanging final glances as they slump over while a badly rendered instrumental version of Whitney Houston's 'The Greatest Love Of All' plays on the soundtrack!!!

The End.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get some psychological counselling.