The Ninja Squad (1986)

Directors:

Godfrey Ho
Robert Young

Writers:

AAV Creative Unit (story)
Stephen Soul (screenplay)

Genre:

Action

Plot Keywords:

Fight | Martial Arts | Ninja | Fighting | Murder

Cast

Richard Harrison	...	Ninja master Gordon
Dave Wheeler	...	Ivan the Red
Eduardo Martinez
Timalden
Kelvin James McHugh
Karl Tulloch
John M. Marshall
John Stevens
Gerry Broad
Antia Roman
Celia Luis
Silvia Rod
Jenny Hansen

Country:

Hong Kong

Language:

Cantonese

Color:

Color

Certification:

UK:18

Company:

IFD Films and Arts

This film hurt me

The pain I endured during the viewing of this film was unbelievable. I didn't exactly have high hopes for this film, in fact I watched it merely because I was in need of a laugh. But unfortunately for me, my brain could not have sustained worse damage had I repeatedly ran head first into a brick wall.

SPOILERS AHEAD 70% OF THE FILM RUINED(not that there's a plot anyway)

A man named Billy hasn't been paying his rent. Enter the rockard African Americans with bad Australian dubbed voices who proceed to get there arses kicked by the mighty Billy. They go back to there boss and.... that's where my IQ dropped 24 points. Anyway Billys mother is eventually killed and his sister kidnapped, so he sets out on a journey to "revenge" his mothers death (no I'm not joking he really does say that)

Most of the film concentrates on Billy randomly going to sites with bad guys and pointing a gun in different directions to shoot his load. These sessions are followed by large intervals of talking. The talking seems to go on for hours which is probably thanks to the gut wrenching dubbing, the silly looking characters and the annoying music.

The other untimely classic character this film introduces is Gordon

Gordon the ninja is challenged by the mighty Ivan the red. Ivan wants to kill Gordon so he may be crowned as the ultimate ninja. If Gordon refuses Ivan will go on a ninja killing spree until Gordon changes his mind. Obviously Gordon being the intelligent man that he is refuses and Ivan proceeds to wipe every last ninja from the face of the earth. One thing Ivan should have considered is how can the ninjas praise him as the grandmaster if there all dead? But oh well none of the other characters use there brain in this film why should he be any different?

The main thing I noted about the characters in this film was that every one of them especially the ninjas were so superbly trained. No matter how many times a character was shot, slashed or stabbed they just wouldn't bleed, no blood was spilt in this film whatsoever.

Another thing I noted was that every ninja in this movie was a white American. Every time one of the ninjas died they would pull the stupidest face ever before keeling over at a ludicrous speed which had me in fits of laughter. It actually kept me watching to see if the next ninjas death was funnier than the last. But the repetitive Billy scenes just kept coming back over and over and over, and I've just had enough of typing now. I would say more about this disgrace to planet earth, but even thinking about this film for too long could cause irreparable brain damage.