Step 1: Admit That You Have a Problem.
After sucking the blood of his latest girlfriend, Vic Weller [Paul Popowich] has
finally admitted to himself that he has a problem and calls Vampires
Anonymous [1-800-555-BITE] for help. Geno [Michael Madsen] is assigned as Vic's sponsor,
and Vic attends his first VA meeting where he is introduced to other
vampires like himself and listens to their stories about why they joined VA.
Step 2: Take the Test.
Vic is placed through the blood taste test and the 614-question
psychological profile to determine his preferred blood source, e.g., bat,
poodle, walrus, Elvis, etc. The results come back "sheep," so Vic is sent
to Rock Creek, North Carolina, a small hick town that is known for its
good-tasting sheep. After a week during which VA sets up a cover for Vic
(so that the locals won't associate the decline in the numbers of sheep
with Vic's arrival and so that he won't attract the attention of a
Corporate Slayer bent on staking him through the heart), he rides into
town on his multi-mirrored motorscooter. The first thing he does is secure
a job at Ye Old Country Kitchen Restaurant and rent a shack next to the
Original Hollywood Horror Show, a haunted house set to open in 30 days.
Step 3: Deal With the Sun.
Vic stocks up on suntan lotion SPF 30 and buys an umbrella which,
along with his scooter, incurs laughter from the town's tough boys, Jimmy [John Boyd West],
Danny [Jason Little], and Strickler [Bo Keister]. Next, he meets Diesel McBain [Steve Monroe], a not-too-bright,
hard-drinking redneck who has been aspiring (unsuccessfuly) for several
years to become the town sheriff.
Step 4: Dig Into Your Blood Substitute.
That night Vic steals into the Miller Sheep Farm and has his first
"healthy and delicious" meal since arriving in town. When Tom Miller
begins to notice his sheep missing, he posts a reward for information,
forcing Vic to take some of his meals over at Jed and Tucker Sanders'
farm. After two weeks of living on sheep blood, however, Vic is feeling
tired, pale, and malnourished. One day, he collapses in front of the
counter in the Country Kitchen store and almost loses control and bites
Maggie Miller [Nichole Forester]. Plus, as the numbers of missing sheep keep increasing,
Deputy Bobby [Eddie Kehler] is called in and someone places a call requesting that a
Corporate Slayer be sent out. Taffeta Munro [Michelle Stafford], the toughest slayer on the
force, is on the way.
Step 5: Develop an Extensive Vocabulary of Animal Calls.
In order to keep to his nonhuman diet, Vic turns to supplementing his
diet with the blood of rats, using animal calls to attract them, but it's
not helping. Then one night he relapses. When Jimmy, Danny, and Strickler
come into the restaurant and begin to put the make on Maggie, Vic stands
up for her, slamming down all three of them. In retaliation, they attach
his scooter to their pickup and drag it across the driveway.
Step 6: Avoid Problem Situations.
Vic follows Jimmy, Danny, and Strickler to a lumberyard where he
wrecks their pickup, kills all three, and has the first nourishing meal
since beginning the 12-step program.
Step 7: Apologize to Those You've Maimed, Killed or Debaucherized.
Before hiding the bodies, Vic tells them that he's awfully sorry they
put him in a position where he had to kill them.
Step 8: No Necking.
Vic and Maggie begin to see each other romantically. The one time Vic
almost gives in to putting his lips on her neck, he coughs up a woolball.
Step 9: Develop a Keen Sleight of Hands.
Maggie's dad has invited Vic to dinner. Geno asks how Vic is going to
deal with eating food. Vic points out that they have a dog. What lamb he
cannot feed to the dog under the table, he barfs up later in the bathroom.
Step 10: Beware the Sheep Shagger.
One night Tucker Sanders finds Vic chasing one of his sheep. Tucker
gives Vic some pointers and says that he'd like to watch. Vic has no
recourse but to put the bite on Tucker.
Step 11: Avoid Temptation.
When Maggie spends the night with Vic, he handcuffs himself to a
chair rung so that he won't fall off the wagon.
Meanwhile, Taffeta has been nosing around and found the bodies of
several sheep out in the swamp. She interviews Vic, asking him some
cleverly-worded questions in an attempt to trick him into revealing that
he is a vampire, e.g., Do you sleep during the day? Do you have any
addictions? Equally as cleverly, Vic avoids them, while biting on a clove
of garlic. Unfortunately, Maggie sees Taffeta and Taffeta sees Maggie.
Maggie thinks Vic is involved with Taffeta.
Suddenly, all hell breaks loose. Deputy Bobby has the swamp dragged
and finds the sheep, the bodies of Vic's four victims, and the pickup
truck. While besotted, Diesel puts together all the loose ends and pays a
visit to Vic's shack where he finds Vic's coffin. While running away,
Diesel is picked up by Deputy Bobby and thrown in jail. Maggie stumbles
upon a box of body parts while in Vic's shack. Vic is forced to tie and
gag Maggie so that he can tell her the truth about him being a vampire.
It's opening night at the haunted house, and the place is crawling with
people. Vic gets a call from Geno telling him to meet him in the haunted
house immediately. Taffeta is hunting for Vic with a crossbow. When she
sees Maggie in Vic's shack and tells her that she is Vic's wife, the two
of them go looking for Vic in the haunted house. Taffeta shoots Vic in the
Then, just as suddenly, things start working in Vic's favor. Geno has
come to take Vic back to California but gives him a reprieve. Just as
Bobby is about to force Diesel to sign a confession or else, Tom Miller
busts Diesel out of jail. Diesel gives up the bottle for
good. Maggie catches up with Vic, sees that he's been shot, and begins to
believe that Taffeta really is a vampire slayer. Maggie lures Taffeta into
a trap and clubs her over the head. As Maggie helps Vic stumble through
the trees, Taffeta wakes up and fires off an arrow, aiming it through
Maggie's back into Vic's chest. Diesel runs up just in time and tackles
Maggie to the ground. But the worst happens, and Vic is shot through the
heart. As Vic lies dying in Maggie's arms, they profess their love for
Maggie and Vic are next seen tooling down the road on Vic's scooter.
Maggie smiles, and the fangs in her mouth are visible.
Step 12: Smile, You're a Winner. [Original synopsis by bj_kuehl]