Quotes

Derek Zoolander: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

Derek Zoolander: Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.

Billy Zane: It's a walk-off!

Derek Zoolander: Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day?

Hansel: I friggin' worship you, man.

Derek Zoolander: I'm not an ambi-turner.

Hansel: Taste my pain, bitch!

Derek Zoolander: Oh, Snap!

Derek Zoolander: Or are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?

Matilda: A what?

Derek Zoolander: A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals.

[Matilda looks at Derek confused]

Derek Zoolander: Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?

Mugatu: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.

Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry I was wack.

Hansel: You is talking loco and I like it!

Maury Ballstein: I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.

Derek Zoolander: Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."

Matilda: Do what for a career?

Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.

Mugatu: SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!

[flings "M" shaped shuriken at the Prime Minister]

Mugatu: Die, you wage-hiking scum!

Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?

Matilda: Honestly?

Hansel: Yes.

Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.

Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?

J.P. Prewitt: Male models don't think for themselves.

Derek Zoolander: That's not true!

J.P. Prewitt: Yes it is, Derek.

Derek Zoolander: [meekly] Okay.

Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.

Maury Ballstein: Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.

Mugatu: It's that damn Hansel! He's so hot right now!

[after spitting out and spilling some bad coffee all over his assistant]

Mugatu: Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?

Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?

[after throwing Matilda into the street from Mugatu's spa]

Katinka: I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!

Hansel: Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".

VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?

Derek Zoolander: Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.

Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...

Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.

Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.

Matilda: That was last Friday.

Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

Hansel: The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder?

[Derek glares at him]

Hansel: Nice Comeback! Ha ha.

Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.

Derek Zoolander: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.

Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

Matilda: Derek that was unbelievable!

Derek Zoolander: I know! I turned left!

Matilda: Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!

Derek Zoolander: Oh, right, cool.

J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?

Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!

J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.

Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.

J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!

Derek Zoolander: Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.

Matilda: What?

Derek Zoolander: A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?

Mugatu: Do as you are trained... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!

Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...

Matilda: Done it in a while, yeh.

Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?

Derek Zoolander: Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.

Matilda: What?

Derek Zoolander: I can't sleep with you OK? My head is killing me...

Matilda: What are you talking about?

Derek Zoolander: OK, if you just want to fool around or...

Matilda: WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!

Derek Zoolander: I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop.

Larry Zoolander: How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hanging out for everyone to see?

Mugatu: As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become Derelicte!

Mugatu: I'm so tired. No Todd, not now!

Todd: [handing Mugatu the phone] It's Maury.

Mugatu: [to Maury] Tell me something good.

(Announcer): ...for the past four years, male modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and five syllables: Der-ek Zoo-land-er.

[Derek slowly counts the syllables off on his fingers]

Hansel: Deal with that!

[first lines]

(Announcer): And here in Malaysia, there is an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria as the newly-elected prime minister has given this nation a gift of hope promising to raise the substandard minimum wage and end child labor once and for all. Already considered a living saint he has become this small country's greatest hope for a thriving future in the new millennium.

Derek Zoolander: How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?

Hansel: Trippin' on acid changed our whole perspective on shit!

Maury Ballstein: For Christ's sake it's a casserole Sheila... it'll stay!

Matilda: [to Derek] He had to pull his underwear out of his butt to beat you!

Derek Zoolander: What? Are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?

Matilda: A what?

Derek Zoolander: A eugoogoolizer... you know one who speaks at funerals.

[Matilda looks at Derek confused]

Derek Zoolander: Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?

Larry Zoolander: You're dead to me, son. You're even more dead to me than your dead mother.

Maury Ballstein: It's a casserole Sheila... it'll keep!

Olaf: Cool story, Hansel.

Hansel: Thanks, Olaf.

Hansel: This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked.

Matilda: What?

Hansel: Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea.