Mindless porn, squared
lor_ from New York, New York
15 August 2011
THE LOVE WITCH is a forgotten early porn feature based on the flimsy
premise that mere hedonism was enough to justify an hour of tedium.
Modern audiences have become accustomed to the boring nature of
wall-to-wall sex exercises, but early Adult Cinema fans deserved
better, having paid for more than just an extended loop.
The content is merely two jerks, led by the always insufferable Marc
Brock, spending a weekend in Miami (opening looks like the Fontainebleu
Hotel facade) away from their wives, frolicking on a yacht named The
Love Witch with five bimbos. There is no content beyond sexual content,
as they repetitiously hump on the deck, below decks and in very phony
underwater footage obviously shot in a pool or tank, not the ocean.
Only variety is lesbian action including a strap-on-dildo sex scene and
the lesbians heading for shore to hump on the beach. Untalented auteur
"Mort Shore" throws in some TV Batman imitation "POW", "ARGHH" and
"BANG BANG" cards to emphasize the ejaculation scenes.
To this farrago is added as sheer padding (and porn-proselytizing
propaganda) nearly 10 minutes of framing footage of a court case in
Tennessee where the film has been seized as being obscene. Cheaper
footage would be hard to imagine, with the court's audience and jury
simply crude caricature drawings, and even the judge's bench and
attorney's desks painted in. Harry Reems guest stars (his name looks
good in typical bait & switch fashion on the video box) in four roles
as everybody in the courtroom except the defendant, a cigar-chomping
But rather than satirize porno filmmaking, this unfunny addition has
Reems making impassioned pleas for free expression and artistic
liberty, the usual self-justifying crap pornographers spout at a drop
of the hat. All this junk merely adds a different sort of tedium to the
With the court trial established, and the film we're watching being
shown to the judge (Reems, of course) to evaluate, we are treated to
further annoyance anticipating MST3K as judge and others voice over
rude comments, criticizing the film and its obvious failings. Film ends
with corruption prevailing, a typically cynical porn-ism.
For the fans the film sports attractive locations (especially the
yacht), okay looking no-name actresses willing to put out, and a
complete lack of involvement by omitting any elements of drama,
personal relationships, anything of interest. It's all mechanical sex,
which as the filmmakers so painstakingly point out, is protected by the
First Amendment. And also protected by Gresham's Law, it would appear.
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