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Mindless porn, squared

Author: lor_ from New York, New York
15 August 2011

THE LOVE WITCH is a forgotten early porn feature based on the flimsy premise that mere hedonism was enough to justify an hour of tedium. Modern audiences have become accustomed to the boring nature of wall-to-wall sex exercises, but early Adult Cinema fans deserved better, having paid for more than just an extended loop.

The content is merely two jerks, led by the always insufferable Marc Brock, spending a weekend in Miami (opening looks like the Fontainebleu Hotel facade) away from their wives, frolicking on a yacht named The Love Witch with five bimbos. There is no content beyond sexual content, as they repetitiously hump on the deck, below decks and in very phony underwater footage obviously shot in a pool or tank, not the ocean.

Only variety is lesbian action including a strap-on-dildo sex scene and the lesbians heading for shore to hump on the beach. Untalented auteur "Mort Shore" throws in some TV Batman imitation "POW", "ARGHH" and "BANG BANG" cards to emphasize the ejaculation scenes.

To this farrago is added as sheer padding (and porn-proselytizing propaganda) nearly 10 minutes of framing footage of a court case in Tennessee where the film has been seized as being obscene. Cheaper footage would be hard to imagine, with the court's audience and jury simply crude caricature drawings, and even the judge's bench and attorney's desks painted in. Harry Reems guest stars (his name looks good in typical bait & switch fashion on the video box) in four roles as everybody in the courtroom except the defendant, a cigar-chomping porn producer.

But rather than satirize porno filmmaking, this unfunny addition has Reems making impassioned pleas for free expression and artistic liberty, the usual self-justifying crap pornographers spout at a drop of the hat. All this junk merely adds a different sort of tedium to the overall package.

With the court trial established, and the film we're watching being shown to the judge (Reems, of course) to evaluate, we are treated to further annoyance anticipating MST3K as judge and others voice over rude comments, criticizing the film and its obvious failings. Film ends with corruption prevailing, a typically cynical porn-ism.

For the fans the film sports attractive locations (especially the yacht), okay looking no-name actresses willing to put out, and a complete lack of involvement by omitting any elements of drama, personal relationships, anything of interest. It's all mechanical sex, which as the filmmakers so painstakingly point out, is protected by the First Amendment. And also protected by Gresham's Law, it would appear.

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