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(1980–2002)

Quotes

Les Dennis: [when given a daft answer] If it's there, I'll give you the money myself.

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Les Dennis: Name a way of toasting someone.

Contestant: [buzzing in] Over a fire?

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis: If that answer's there, I'll give you the money myself! Over a fire?

[revealed as the 5th most popular answer - grill]

Les Dennis: [in surprise] Oh, no!

[more audience laughter]

Les Dennis: [still in shock] I owe you £12! That's the first time it's ever happened!

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[from Big Money]

Max Bygraves: Name something people take with them to the beach.

Bob Johnson: Turkey.

Max Bygraves: The first thing you buy in a supermarket.

Bob Johnson: [laughs] Uh, turkey.

Max Bygraves: A food often stuffed.

Bob Johnson: [laughs again] Turkey!

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[a contestant has suggested paint as a unit of liquid measurement]

Andy Collins: Don't worry, we'll get you back before Matron knows you're gone.

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Andy Collins: I'm only here for the silly answers.

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Les Dennis: Name something you stroke.

[contestant buzzes in]

Contestant: Erm, you stroke a match?

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis: "Stroke" a match?

[Les then pretends to "stroke" a match, much to everyone's delight]

Les Dennis: [to the "match"] Come on! Come on! You're my favourite match!

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Max Bygraves: Name a subject for a comedian's jokes.

[the contestants hit their buzzers, but nothing happens until a few seconds later]

Max Bygraves: That's one of them.

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Les Dennis: Name something to do with the sea. Ron?

Contestant 1: Deckchairs!

[audience laughs]

Les Dennis: "What's that out at sea? Thar she blows, that deckchair!" Ron wants to see a deckchair!

[buzz!]

Les Dennis: It isn't there, so over to Pat.

Contestant 2: [heavily accented] Coffin.

Contestant 2: Coffee?

Contestant 2: Coffin! Coffin!

Les Dennis: A coffin? Oh, I see, a burial at see, you mean?

Contestant 2: [confused] Huh? Yeah...

Les Dennis: Oh, you're thinking of the letter C! S-E-A, I meant!

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Les Dennis: [after being given an answer that is even sillier than usual] If it's there, I'll give you the *car* myself!

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Max Bygraves: Living or dead, name a famous Irishman.

[Bob buzzes in]

Max Bygraves: Yes?

Bob Johnson: Disraeli.

Max Bygraves: Disraeli? Is he Irish?

Bob Johnson: [Almost laughing] No.

[audience laughter]

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Les Dennis: Name something made of wool.

Contestant: Sheep.

[audience laughter]

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Les Dennis: Name something associated with "The X-Files".

[No one answers]

Les Dennis: We could show you an episode right now while we're waiting.

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Max Bygraves: Any part of the body beginning with the letter N.

Contestant: Knee.

[audience laughter. Bygraves buries his face in his hands while laughing hard]

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[Following a commercial break after the Famous Irishman fiasco]

Max Bygraves: Thank you. And welcome back to the Irish Embassy.

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Max Bygraves: We asked one hundred people what a man should know about a man before she marries him.

[Lin buzzes in]

Max Bygraves: Just got it, Lin. What would you say?

Contestant: His name.

Max Bygraves: His what?

Contestant: Name.

[audience laughter]

Max Bygraves: [while laughing] Yeah, wonderful, yeah, his name, yeah. It'd be lovely in the back of a car. "With whom am I having the pleasure?"

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Max Bygraves: Name something you do when visitors are expected.

Contestant: Bake.

[In very heavy Northern accent, making it sound like "Beak"]

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Max Bygraves: Give a slang word for "money".

[Eva buzzes in]

Max Bygraves: Eva?

Contestant: Bitch.

[Bygraves, Eva and everyone start laughing]

Max Bygraves: Pardon? Bitch? Why do you say "bitch" for "money"?

Contestant: But, "Mummy"...

Max Bygraves: No, not "Mummy". "Money!"

[audience laughs even harder]

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Les Dennis: We asked a hundred people to name an article of clothing a woman might borrow from a man.

Contestant: Um, underpants.

[audience laughter]

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Max Bygraves: Name something you like which is bad for you.

Contestant: [Uneasily] Sex?

[audience laughter]

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Les Dennis: We asked a hundred people to name something people take from hotels as a souvenir.

[Contestant buzzes in]

Les Dennis: Ann?

Contestant: The lamps.

Les Dennis: The lamps?

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis: This is experience talking, is it, Ann?

Contestant: [laughing] Yeah.

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Les Dennis: Name something people keep in the garden shed.

Contestant: Uh, the gardener.

[audience laughter]

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Les Dennis: We asked a hundred people to name a polite word, or phrase, people use to curse.

[Contestant buzzes in]

Les Dennis: Rachel.

Contestant: Bugger.

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis: [laughing] That's VERY polite, Rachel!

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Les Dennis: Name a famous "Arthur".

Contestant: Uh, Shakespeare.

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis: I'll tell you what: if it's up there, I'll give you the CAR myself.

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Les Dennis: Name something tourists buy as a souvenir.

Contestant: Drum gear.

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Les Dennis: Name a fruit used in fruit salad.

Contestant: Cucumber.

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Les Dennis: Something added to whisky.

Contestant: Gin.

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Les Dennis: A Parisian landmark.

Contestant: Uh... Hawaii.

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Gorden Kaye: A type of decoration associated with Christmas.

Les Dennis: Um... the, uh, the little... crackers!

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Les Dennis: You're supposed to be accident-prone, yeah?

Eddie Rose: Yes, I was on a roof one day, nine o'clock one morning, and I fell off, and slid down a garage roof and went through a downstairs window and cut me leg pretty bad. That was at nine o'clock in the morning. They took me to hospital, sewed me leg up, they put it in a casing, put me in the waiting room and by now it's about twelve o'clock. And they gave me a pair of crutches, they said "You can go home", I was on me way home, going out the hospital gates and the crutch slipped and I fell down and broke me finger.

[audience applauses and roars with laughter]

Les Dennis: [while laughing] There's more yet! Hang on! And then?

Eddie Rose: So, they took me to the surgery, put it in a splint, put me back in the waiting room, by now it's about half-past three. I said, "What time will you let me out?" They said, "You must go home in an ambulance this time". I waited until half-past four, the ambulance didn't come, so I sneaked out. And I'm halfway home, I saw a friend of mine up a ladder, he looked down at me, he was on the forecourt of a shop and he said, "What the hell have you been doing?" And I started to tell him, he said "I can't hear you, I'm coming down". So I held onto the bottom of the ladder, and he just slides some heavy equipment and I woke up in hospital with six stitches in me head.

[audience applauses and laughs even harder]

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Contestant: [asked for a reason for kneeling] To be beheaded.

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[On Bob Johnson]

Max Bygraves: [to the audience] I'll tell you what: you get idiots as well on this program.

[Audience laughter]

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Bob Monkhouse: Name one of the ingredients in chicken stuffing.

Contestant: [Buzzes in] Chicken.

Bob Monkhouse: Chicken? What, you stuff chicken with a chicken?

[Audience laughter]

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Bob Monkhouse: Top three answers on the board: Name something that uses microchips.

Contestant: [Buzzes in] Fish fryer.

[Audience laughter]

Contestant: Ah... sorry!

[laughs]

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Les Dennis: Top six answers, we asked a hundred people: Something that might frighten Dracula.

[Contestant buzzes in]

Les Dennis: Jake?

Contestant: Uh, Bob Monkhouse.

[Audience laughter]

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Les Dennis: Alright, what do you think. A bird with a long neck.

Contestant: Uh, blackbird.

[Audience laughter]

Les Dennis: I'm gonna risk saying it: If it's up there, I'll give you the money myself. A blackbird!

[X]

Les Dennis: [Walks to the other family] Three lives have gone, so the Banyaras get a chance to steal. Lee?

Contestant 2: Naomi Campbell.

[Audience laughs even harder]

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Bob Monkhouse: [to a contestant playing for the West family] Are you West?

Contestant: No, I'm Bent.

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Bob Monkhouse: [the contestant's name is Rich Bent] He's Rich and he's Bent. And they say crime doesn't pay.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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