Strangers with Candy (1999–2000)
Jerri Blank: "Packing a Musket", by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're beggin' you please to get down on your knees near their groinage, excusa me, but you see, don't you touch where they pee without coinage.
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Thank you, Jerri...
Jerri Blank: When I straddle and squat, to show you my...
Jerri Blank: Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.
Jerri Blank: I did things I wouldn't force on a mule, and that includes things I forced on a mule.
Jerri Blank: I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.
Jerri Blank: Dear diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you.
Jerri Blank: I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.
Jerri Blank: Hello. I'm Jerry Blank. 32 years ago I dropped out of High School and ran away from home. Oh, I made a lot of friends... did a lot of time. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. I stole the TV. - Did some more time. But now I'm back in school. And though the faces may have changed, the hassles are just the same.
Geoffrey Jellineck: It's not a cold sore! I bumped my lip on a biscuit!
Father: What now, Jerri?
Jerri Blank: I want to go home.
Father: Fine. You're not a prisoner here. There are no bars on our electrified fences. We don't have attack dogs lurking in the alligator-infested swamps surrounding this compound.
Father: [Holds up a sandal] Here. Call your parents, have them come and pick you up.
Jerri Blank: That's a sandal.
Father: More distrust, Jerri!
Mr. Chuck Noblet: [reading a note he confiscated from Jerri] My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando, I'm afraid it will get infected. P.S. I just know I'm going to win homecoming queen. That will show those sons of bitches, especially Noblet.
Jerri Blank: Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with your having sex.
Jerri Blank: You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters is being rich in money.
Jerri Blank: From now on, this violin is my whole life.
Orlando Pinatubo: Hey, Jerri. Wanna go throw stuff off the overpass?
Jerri Blank: Yeah.
[holds up violin]
Jerri Blank: We can throw this.
Jerri Blank: [about her chicken, Suki] She'll eat grapes out of anywhere I put them... Anywhere.
Jerri Blank: Hey Stew, you seen my mother?
Stew: Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with?
Jerri Blank: Somebody's been drinking. I'm gonna name you Dizzy.
Jerri Blank: Number one- get your chubby chimp-claws off the copper-top.
Jerri Blank: "Dear Diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you. Everything's changed; I'm in love... something you would never understand you dirty, dirty, dirty Jew diary. Just kidding, just kidding. Jerri Blank."
[Talking to a tree she has just planted]
Jerri Blank: You know, you and me have got a lot in common, we both have thick leathery bark, we both have initials carved into our trunks, and we're both setting down new roots.
Chuck Noblet: Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.
Sara Blank: I can stop whenever I want! That you don't believe me? Well, if you're such a good listener, why don't you watch this?
[Pours bottles into the sink]
Sara Blank: say goodbye to my mixers.
Jerri Blank: I guess she can stop.
Jerri Blank: Come on, pick me. Look, I have the legs of a mongoose.
Jerri Blank: What are you painting?
Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Oh, just a little bit of Americana for Drug Awareness Week. It's the Battle of Miami. Columbus here, fighting the pilgrims as they attempt to land.
Jerri Blank: Just trying to keep the boulder in front of my love cave.
Jerri Blank: Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Oh it's hard. Oh, Hard.
Coach Cherri Wolf: Today we're gonna be talking about reproduction and its consequences. In order for you to learn what it's like to take care of a ten pound
[makes finger quotes]
Coach Cherri Wolf: baby, each of you will be taking care of... a ten pound baby. First up, Jerri Blank.
Jerri Blank: But I've had plenty of babies. Just none I've carried to full term.
Coach Cherri Wolf: Come get the baby, Jerri.
Jerri Blank: I don't understand the point of this.
Coach Cherri Wolf: The point, Jerri, is for you to learn a valuable lesson.
Jerri Blank: Which is?
Coach Cherri Wolf: Well, if I told you the lesson, you wouldn't be learning it. I'd be teaching it.
Orlando Pinatubo: You should run for homecoming queen, Jerri.
Jerri Blank: What? Are you joking? I don't think I'm what the boys consider a traditional beauty.
Orlando Pinatubo: In my country, you'd be a real queen.
Jerri Blank: Yeah, well, that's cause your country's ruled by monkeys.
Orlando Pinatubo: Jerri, that's an ugly thing to say.
Jerri Blank: Geez, why are you people so sensitive about your resemblance to monkeys? They're adorable.
Chuck Noblet: Can anyone tell me the tragic irony of the Trojan War? Tina?
Tina: Um, that horses are friendly creatures yet a hollow, wooden one was used to destroy Troy?
Chuck Noblet: Wrong and no. Anyone else? Chip?
Chip Beavers: That the mighty warrior Achilles was killed by a small cut to his ankle.
Chuck Noblet: Chip is wronger. OK, here it is. The tragic irony of the Trojan War is that though it was fought over Helen, who was young and beautiful, by the time they rescued her ten years later, she was old and ugly.
Tina: But wasn't recovering the king's wife reward enough for the Greeks?
Chuck Noblet: Tina, an ugly woman is never a reward.
[Jerri is running for homecoming queen]
Jerri Blank: I was nominated today.
Sara Blank: Oh Jerri, I'm sorry. Kids can be so cruel in their pranks. I'll have your father call Principal Blackman tomorrow.
Jerri Blank: It wasn't a prank. It's for real, stepmother. And I have a good chance at winning.
Sara Blank: Of course you do, darling. And I'm a caribou.
Geoffrey Jellineck: If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola.
Jerri Blank: And as for that little redheaded spitfire, Tammi Littlenut, well - let's just say the carpet matches the drapes.
Jerri Blank: [to Jellineck, in prison] My asshole's is hungry, baby.
Ricky: You just gave me away?
Jerri Blank: No, no, never. I traded you for a guitar. God, and all these years I've wondered, "What happened to that guitar?"
Mr. Chuck Noblet: It's unthinkable, the atrocities that the Native Aamericans committed against the buffalo. No one is certain what exactly the Native Americans did to the poor creatures, but whatever it was, it caused the buffalo to become so depressed, that when the white men came, the buffalo committed suicide by jumping in front of the white men's muskets.
Mr. Chuck Noblet: You're new here, so let me lay it down for you. I run a pretty tight ship around here. Thats why the student call me "the hammer".
Orlando Pinatubo: We don't call you that.
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Shut up.
Derrick Blank: Lets go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back.
Jerri Blank: I've changed. People change. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann's holly bushes... last night.
Jerri Blank: If you're gonna reach for a star, reach for the lowest one you can.
Principal Onyx Blackman: Block the door with your budding femininity!
Father: Who are you?
Jerri Blank: Jerri Blank.
Father: who... are... you?
Jerri Blank: Jeerrrrrriiiii... Blllllaaaaannnnkkkkk
Father: Adam, God loves you. Why don't you go let him love you someplace else for a while? Jerri, although I am capable of infinite forgiveness, you are really testing the limits of infinity!
Mr. Chuck Noblet: [Noblet is 'trying' to break a cult's hold over Jerri] Come on, Jerri! Let's go!
Jerri Blank: Where?
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Back to the cult! We'll go through the furnace and then out the air shaft!
Jerri Blank: We'll burn to death!
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Father will protect us! Where's your faith, woman?
Principal Onyx Blackman: [Reading newspaper headlines] What's this? "Messianic Cult moves to Flatpoint"? Good God! I don't like the sound of that! What kind of maniac would attempt to control fresh young minds?
[Turns on the intercom]
Principal Onyx Blackman: Attention! Harken to my voice! An insidious cult is intent on controlling your actions. I command you to avoid it at all costs! That is all.
Jerri Blank: Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times.
Principal Onyx Blackman: We're going to be instituting a dress code.
Principal Onyx Blackman: Relax, people. They're going to be based on your requests which I'm sure you would have requested had I asked for your requests.
Principal Onyx Blackman: Stop by the nurse's office after lunch to pick up your free uniforms. And then stop by my office to pick up the nutty goodbars that you'll all be selling to pay for your free uniforms.
Jerri Blank: You never really lose your parents, unless of course they die. And then they're gone forever.
Mr. Chuck Noblet: [to Jerri, who wants to run for Homecoming Queen] You want to hear a little secret? You're only as ugly as we think you are.
Jerri Blank: Do a lot of the people die of syphilis?
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.
Principal Onyx Blackman: [to Ricky, the transfer student] Your new-student eyes immediately graze over the firm young flanks of our females. And I won't have it! Capiche, amigo? There's nothing I'd like better than to put you new students back on the boat to where you came from. Comprend-zay vous?
Principal Onyx Blackman: What's the situation? Who ran him down?
Chuck Noblet: How should I know? I'm married!
Chuck Noblet: [Noblet realizes Jerri has been watching him cry] Jerri, hi! I was just looking for my classroom! Is this it? Nope! This is Mr. Jellineck's class! Hmm!
Geoffrey Jellineck: Jellineck. Geoffrey Jellineck. I'm the new art teacher.
Chuck Noblet: Oh of course you are! Hi, I'm Chuck Noblet. Social studies, creative writing, school newspaper, assistant to the principal...
Geoffrey Jellineck: What don't you do!
Chuck Noblet: Get my lesson plans in on time!
Chuck Noblet: So, is there no Mrs. Jellineck?
Geoffrey Jellineck: No...
Chuck Noblet: Divorce?
Geoffrey Jellineck: She was, uh, she was murdered.
Chuck Noblet: Sometimes that can be just as painful.
Jerri Blank: [to the Mt. Valley Rabid Dogs] Suck my dick, you mangy dogs!
Sara Blank: Did you by any chance wipe your ass on our bathroom towels?
Jerri Blank: Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Sara Blank: Yes, Jerri.
Jerri Blank: You have the huevos mas grandes trying to make me look like some filthy animal in front of my super-cool friend Fran.
Sara Blank: Did you do it?
Jerri Blank: Yes... I was in a hurry.
Geoffrey Jellineck: Hello, Judas.
Chuck Noblet: Sorry, Geoffrey, I can't hear you above the roar of my success.
Chuck Noblet: Dear Jerri... I am a certain someone who is in certain danger of having a certain terrible secret revealed by another certain someone. What should I do? Signed, In Certain Trouble.
Jerri Blank: Hm, someone's gonna tell a secret... Dear Certain, dead men tell no tales. Wink wink!
Jerri Blank: Hey, why don't you paint me while I talk?
Geoffrey Jellineck: [mumbling] Well, I don't know...
Jerri Blank: Should I remove my clothes?
Geoffrey Jellineck: I don't think so.
Jerri Blank: Are you sure?
Geoffrey Jellineck: I'm positive.
Jerri Blank: Why don't I remove my pants and panties?
Jerri Blank: Well, you eat a lot.
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Jerri, I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. For instance, last night I ate half a strawberry cheesecake at 3 A.M. and I'll never gain an ounce, understand?... Great my onion rings are burned!
Jerri Blank: Sorry
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Sorry is not gonna make that golden brown ok... I'll never get this one back. You can't unfry things Jerri, you can't be something you're not.