Anthony P. Kirby: I'm not accustomed to going out to dinner and spending the night in jail.
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Well you have to remember you came on the wrong night. Now tonight I'll bet you nothing will happen... maybe.
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Alice, you're in love with this boy and you're not marrying him because we are the way we are.
Alice Sycamore: Oh Grandpa.
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: I know, you think it wouldn't work out, you think the two families wouldn't get along, well maybe they wouldn't, but whose to say they're right and we're wrong?
Penny Sycamore: I've got Cynthia just entering the monastery.
Rheba: She was at the Kit Kat Club wasn't she?
Penny Sycamore: Well she gets tired of the Kit Kat Club and there's this monastery so she goes there.
Rheba: Do they let her in?
Penny Sycamore: Yes, I made it Visitor's Day, so of course anybody can come. She comes and she just stays.
Rheba: You mean she stays all night?
Penny Sycamore: Oh yes, she stays six years.
Rheba: Six years? I'll bet she busts that monastery wide open.
Grand Duchess Olga Katrina: That manager, he doesn't like me, he's a Communist.
Tony Kirby: I wouldn't trade one minute of this evening for all the rice in China.
Alice Sycamore: Is there much rice in China?
Tony Kirby: Didn't you read "The Good Earth"?
Penny Sycamore: You'd think with 1 girl and 40 monks, something would happen.
Penny Sycamore: Rheba, I think I'm going to put this play away for a while and go back to the war play.
Rheba: Oh I always liked that one, the war play! A BOOM! A BOOM!
Tony Kirby: My father raises orchids at $10,000 a bulb, does that sound logical? My mother studies spiritualism, that's just as bad as your mother typing plays.
Alice Sycamore: Your mother studies spiritualism because it's fashionable and your father raises orchids because he can afford to. My mother types plays because 8 years ago a typewriter was delivered here by accident.
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Well sir, you should've been there, that's all I can say, you should've been there.
Penny Sycamore: Don't the graduates get to say anything, Grandpa?
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Oh no, they just sit there in their cap and nightgown, have a diploma handed to them and along 40 years from now suddenly say 'where am I?'
Penny Sycamore: [reading from one of her plays] Kenneth, my virginity is a priceless thing to me.
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Have you been acting long?
Gay Wellington: All my life, I've played everything. Ever see 'Peg O' My Heart'?
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Yes!
Gay Wellington: I saw it too, good show.
Penny Sycamore: [Gay Wellington is passed out drunk] Do you think she'll be alright, Grandpa?
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Yes but I wouldn't cast her in the religious play.
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Penny, if I were you, the next time I met an actress on the top of a bus, I think I'd MAIL them the play instead of bringing them home to read it.
Gay Wellington: My, hot night, ain't it?
Donald: You want me to open the window, Miss Wellington?
Gay Wellington: Na, hell with the weather.
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: [to Mr. Kirby] Oh, that's just the Grand Duchess Olga Katrina. She's cooking the dinner.
Grand Duchess Olga Katrina: [to Grandpa] Before I make the blintzes, how many will there be for dinner?
Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Well, I'd make quite a stack, your Highness, you can never tell.
Grand Duchess Olga Katrina: [smiles] Good! The Czar, he always said to me, "Olga... do not be stingy with the blintzes!"