Jessica Bennett: You can't give up on Charity, Miguel. Would Leonardo give up on Kate? Would Ross give up on Rachel? Would Bo give up on Hope?
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: You bitch! I should pull your blonde hair out by its black roots and choke you with it!
Ethan: Studies I've seen say the number one reason marriages are successful is because the two people involved have a lot in common. You have a lot. Luis is common.
[after walking in on Luis's naked]
Sheridan Crane: I just ran into him in the locker room... he had just gotten out of the shower.
Hank Bennett: Ohh...
Sheridan Crane: It was an accident... I was just looking for some sugar.
Hank Bennett: Did you get it?
Julian: You are no son of Mine!
Fox: Well, given this family's history, I wouldn't be surprised if you're right.
Simone Russell: Isn't he the tastiest thing you ever saw in your life?
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: I've lost the only man worth dieting for!
[Kay tells Simone her "chest exercises" have paid off]
Simone Russell: Get real, girl. There's a lot more than exercises inside that bra.
Julian Crane: I'm in no mood to play "Let's Provoke Julian" today.
Ivy Winthrop Crane: Pity. It's my favorite game!
[Timmy the doll speaks to a sleeping Charity]
Timmy: Timmy would lay down his life for you... if Timmy had a life to lay down.
[Hank is shocked that Luis is saying nice things about Sheridan]
Hank Bennett: Are you sure there wasn't a pod next to your bed this morning?
Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald: [Miguel is sick and tired of Charity seeing her doomed fortune in tea leaves] Why don't you switch to tea bags from now on?
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Why do you have to be such a smart-ass?
Sheridan Crane: When I'm around you, SOMEONE has to be smart.
Sam Bennett: Is Ethan really my son? I'm not going to rest until I know for sure. Maybe there's a clue on the Internet.
Alistair Crane: It's a sad day in America when the Cranes can't subvert government policy.
Tabitha Lenox: Oh, the old spells were the good spells, Tim-Tim. The language is really quite beautiful: "May Beelzebub's drool seal your eyelids shut." Ha! They don't write them like that any more, Timmy!
Hecuba: Do you remind yourself of anyone? I'll give you a hint. He was made of wood by a weirdo named Geppetto.
Tabitha Lenox: Lucy Ricardo caused less havoc when she was smuggling cheese back from Europe!
Tabitha Lenox: What on Earth has you guzzling Martimmys at this time of day - and out of a shaker no less?
Tabitha Lenox: Blast that interfering next door neighbor of mine, Grace Bennett!
Tabitha Lenox: I've had enough of the Don King routine, Timmy. Do something with your hair.
Julian Crane: Oh my God! I think it's the remains of Grace's tomato soup cake!
Ivy Winthrop Crane: What's up, Julian? It wouldn't have anything to do with, let's see, a mysterious bird statue?
Ivy Winthrop Crane: Well, we all remember where the bloody corpse dream got the family the last time.
Gwen Hotchkiss: I can't believe Theresa took time out of her life in Harmony to fly to Bermuda with you! I owe her so much.
Timmy: It wasn't always sunshine and lollipops, Tabitha - but for a crazy old lady, you were okay.
Ivy Winthrop Crane: You know, there is an old Chinese proverb that says, 'Man who talks with fake Chinese accent, man with something to hide.'
Julian Crane: There's another Chinese proverb that says 'Wife like you can go to HELL.'
Eve Russell: Is Charity having premonitions again?
Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald: No, it's worse. She broke up with me.
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: What do you think? If you allow yourself to have feelings for some guy, your arm will just fall off and you'll never play tennis again?
Julian Crane: Theresa looked delectable today!
Ethan: Really? I didn't notice.
Julian Crane: You should check into that new laser eye surgery.
Rebecca: Is that a threat, Peee-lar?
Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald: No. I don't make threats. I make promises.
Rebecca: Seeing you like that, Pilar, reminds me of an old TV show. "The Jeffersons." You're moving on up!
Gwen Hotchkiss: What do I have to do to get you to admit what's going on here, Ethan? Walk in on you and Theresa in bed making love? What's she going to tell me then, huh? That she was just fluffing your pillows and just happened to slip underneath you?
Ivy Winthrop Crane: Let me out, I have a bride to bludgeon to death!
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: Isn't that right Gwen? You're nothing but a pathetic, vindictive, BITCH!
Kay: [having second thoughts about being good] Miguel is going to be mine no matter what I have to do! Charity, be damned! As God as my witness, I'll never be good again!
Rebecca: Theresa is just like that little pink bunny, she keeps lying and lying and lying.
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: We're investigating the murder of Julian Crane.
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: I can tell you who did it. Rebecca or Ivy or both. I know! Rebecca pushed the wheelchair and Ivy pulled the trigger!
Sam Bennett: Now I've heard enough of you ladies yelling at each other.
Rebecca: Theresa is no lady, she's a tramp.
Rebecca: I was under the impression that you didn't like your mommy very much.
Fox: Maybe so, but I don't want her to frozen stiff like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining".
Rebecca: It's just a very good thing I am not really the landlady, or else you'd be out on the street for "falling down" on the job.
Ivy Winthrop Crane: You were always so good in the kitchen. I wish I'd taken "Home Ec" in school.
Grace Bennett: Oh well you were probably too busy cramming for "How to Be a Bitch 101."
Ivy Winthrop Crane: You know Grace, you're usually so passive I'd forgotten that you had any wit.
Grace Bennett: I wouldn't worry about it. Because I hear that memory loss is common in menopausal women.
Beth Wallace: Okay, okay, okay... I'm calm. And I am calmly asking you. How are we supposed to get Sheridan off the grounds without being seen?
Charlie: Very carefully.
Beth Wallace: Of course. Very carefully. Why didn't I think of that? Very carefully!
Beth Wallace: I told you, I can handle Charlie.
Mrs. Wallace: Oh yeah, look at what she did to your wedding dress. the dress is destroyed.
Beth Wallace: Oh no.
Mrs. Wallace: And when she finds out that your plan is with you ending up with Luis. This dress, gonna be you.
Mrs. Wallace: When Charlie finds out, that you used her to get Luis. You won't be in any condition, to walk down any aisle Missy!
[Beth is talking to Precious]
Beth Wallace: You stop Luis from looking around, or no more "Animal Planet!"
Beth Wallace: Finally, finally, finally! I got what I wanted. Sheridan will be strapped to that veggie-boy husband and oh - oh Luis-sweet, kind, sex-on-a-stick Luis is all mine!
Julian: Please Chet, talk some sense into him.
Chad: The name is Chad.
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Used to getting your way, are you?
Pheobe: Haven't been turn down yet.
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Well, there's a first time for everything.
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: You're not moving.
Sheridan Crane: My feet won't let me.
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Aww... I love those feet.
Mayor: What kind of town, did I get elected to? Houses being sucked into hell, demons attacking, two brothers in love with the same woman.
Sheridan Crane: Aren't you freezing out here without your coat on?
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: I was just gonna go out and chop some fire wood... It's one of two things you can do, in this kinda weather to keep warm.
Sheridan Crane: What's the other?
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Oh... it's a guy joke.
Sheridan Crane: ...Oh, I get it.
Timmy: So Charity's like Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker combined?
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: I don't know how they drive in France, but here in Harmony, if the moving car hits a parked car, it's the moving car's fault!
Sheridan Crane: Oh, how typical of you to get me on a technicality.
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: "Technicality?" I get the feeling you're trying to kill me!
Rebecca: Ivy, didn't you wear that last year?
Ivy Winthrop Crane: Yes, I did. And what are you, Rebecca, some large, yellow bird's date?
Alistair Crane: [to Luis and Sam, who have once again accused Alisdair of a felony without any evidence] You'll have to excuse me. I've heard all of this empty huffing and puffing before.
[revealing Liz for who she really is]
Eve Russell: Liz is my sister. My dear, sweet little bitch of a sister!
[Tabitha imagines being burned alive while Kay, Miguel, Pilar, Eve, T.C., Sam, Grace, and Charity watch]
Father Lonigan: I condemn you to death for being an evil witch.
[sprays her with holy water; Tabitha screams]
Father Lonigan: That's for all the times you called me Father "Blind as a Bat."
Father Lonigan: All right, fellas, nuke her!
[Miguel, T.C., and Sam slowly push her into the furnace while the women nurse Endora]
Tabitha Lenox: Wait, what about my baby?
Grace Bennett: Oh, don't worry. We're going to teach her to be good.
Charity Standish: I'm going to take her to mass every day.
Tabitha Lenox: Oh, no!
Grace Bennett: And I'm going to teach her to make tomato soup cake.
Tabitha Lenox: No, no, no!
Liz Sanbourne: You know what they say about denial, it's not just a river in Egypt.
[Miguel burst into the Bennett's were Ivy is drinking]
Ivy Winthrop Crane: Miguel!
Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald: Ms. Winthrop... Were did that crazy fog come from? I mean it's like pea soup. There was all these bats flying around my head...
Ivy Winthrop Crane: Bats? Oh, Miguel, you shouldn't drink the cheap stuff.
[to Aunt Irma]
Thornton Chandler 'T.C.' Russell: Irma, I don't know where the hell you get these crazy accusations about Eve: That she had a baby with another man. Maybe it's because you're watching those crazy soap operas... The one that comes on after Days of Our Lives, but that's totally unbelievable!
Fox: Theresa, Whitney's marrying Chad because you told her I was in love with her.
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: Okay... So the one time I tell the truth, I'm getting in trouble for it?
Fox: Why did you sleep with another man after the implant anyway?
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: I said I betrayed you with another man while we were dating. I never said I had sex with anyone!
Fox: [sarcastically] You ought to be a lawyer
Julian Crane: I'm paying you to represent the woman I love, not my wife.
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: Luis? Where's Ethan?
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: I couldn't say.
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: He probably ran to Gwen's jail cell to empty her drool cup.
[as she frames Eve for another attack in jail]
Liz Sanbourne: Guard! Guard, help me! My sister's trying to kill me again!
[after Beth sabotages Luis and Sheridan's wedding]
Ms. Wallace: Strike her down now, God! Lightning bolts 'til she's good and crispy!
Gwen Hotchkiss: What are you going to do? Just sit here drinking like a playboy?
Fox: I have to keep my stength up. Grandfather promised me women!
Rebecca: Ugh! That Theresa... I knew I should've killed Theresa when I had the chance...
Gwen Hotchkiss: Oh mother, that's so sweet!
Tabitha Lenox: Oh the mortals these days! Using their Internet, email, cell phones, and text messaging, whatever the hell that is...
Fox: There's nothing I love more than a woman who knows her own warped mind!
Mrs. Edna Wallace: [Alistair's large maid answers the door] Holy good night, Mary Ellen Ryan and all the saints in Ireland, are you a healthy girl!
Sheridan Crane: Beth is our half-sister.
Julian Crane: Come again?
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Beth is Alistair's daughter.
Julian Crane: You mean Alistair and Edna Wallace...?
Eve Russell: Oh, my God.
Julian Crane: That smelly old crone?
Sam Bennett: Happened a long time ago. You know, evidently, Edna was quite a dish in the day.
Julian Crane: Well, she's past her expiration date now.
[Sheridan tells Katherine, Ethan, Gwen, Rebecca, and Ivy how she and Beth are sisters]
Sheridan Crane: Alistair had an affair with Mrs. Wallace.
[Katherine gasps in shock and Ivy gags at the thought]
Rebecca: Oh, my God! Alistair rode that old Jalopy? Oh! And people say I'm depraved.
[Beth has a fantasy where Luis and Sheridan sledgehammer their way into the safe room]
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: There. There she is. I'll get her.
Sheridan Crane: Oh, no! This is woman's work!
[hands Luis her sledgehammer]
Sheridan Crane: Here!
[Sheridan proceeds to beat up, get beaten up, and kill Beth]
Martin Fitzgerald: Was that really necessary? Calling Katherine names?
Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald: Oh... Be glad that I didn't pull her red hair out from its blonde roots and choke her with it!
Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald: ...And you, Martin, you better start honoring your commitment to me and to our family and to our children, or I swear, I will chop off what you can't seem to control!
Martin Fitzgerald: I've never heard you talk this way.
Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald: [scoffs] Because I'm not the little - desperate housewife that you abandoned any more. I've learned to stand up for myself. I'm not going to settle with you in my bed while your heart lays with Katherine. Get over her! Get over her once and for all. And never take her side over mine again.
Sheridan Crane: I trusted you to get Marty back for me. But you failed me. You not only failed me, but you failed our son. And now Marty is with Beth, a maniacal freak, who not only stole my child, but proved you to be the world's biggest fool!
[waking up to find Tabitha and Endora watching the arriving tsunami on witch-vision]
Ms. Wallace: Hey, whatcha watchin' there, Tabby, The Poseidon Adventure?
Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: [to Ethan] all you ever say is no. Are you sure you're not a Crane?
Beth Wallace: [about Sheridan] She's better off now... Except she's childless, stuck with Antonio, and losing Luis to me.
Alistair Crane: This will be an evening you will never forget, no matter how much you try.
Sheridan Crane: [Chris has just shot the hitman]
[to James, sweetly]
Sheridan Crane: Sorry, sweetheart, the bad man's in heaven now.
[Fancy pleads with Ivy for the Bennetts to attend Alistair's New Year's party]
Ivy Winthrop Crane: That ad gives me the willies and we are *not* attending his murder.
Noah Bennett: [smiling] Actually, when you put it like that...
Ivy Winthrop Crane: Noah!
[Norma is dressed up as Santa Clause]
Norma: Ho, ho, ho!
Tabitha Lenox: You must've mistaken me for Jessica Bennett.
Alistair Crane: [on Theresa] She may be a tramp, but she's my tramp!
[In the Roman catacombs, Chad and Luis find a switch that activates a trapdoor]
Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Just like in Indiana Jones.
Chad: Watch what you say. We don't want a giant ball rolling after us.
Tabitha Lenox: Is there any field of medicine that Eve Russell isn't an expert in? Obstetrics, gynecology, oncology, geriatrics, pediatrics, hypnotherapy. They should just put a cape on her and call her Wonder Woman!
Sheridan Crane: [Sheridan is possessed] Theresa must die. I must kill her.
"The Creature": Fabulous! Let's go do it now while you're in the mood. I happen to know she's up in the mansion. We'll sneak in, find the bitch, and I'll keep an eye out while you kill her!
Sheridan Crane: Theresa must die!
"The Creature": Yes... so, how do you wanna do it? Stab her? Choke her? Drown her? Shove her out of a window? What?
Sheridan Crane: I'll decide when I get there.
Julian Crane: [to his long lost son who is dressed half man, half woman] Crane's don't dress up like clowns on crack!
Esme: [to the voices in her head] Would all of you stop screaming so I can think!
Tabitha Lenox: Stay tuned, as we say in TV Land.
Kay Bennett Crane: [scoffing] We're not on TV?
Kay Bennett Crane: [suddenly unsure] Are we?
[Kay looks around the room suspiciously]
[Everyone has to convince Father Lonigan to baptize Tabitha to avert a volcanic eruption]
Julian Crane: The threat to Harmony is real.
Eve Russell: We saw the volcano erupting in a magic bowl.
Father Lonigan: Eve, have you been drinking again?
Eve Russell: No.
Father Lonigan: Popping pills.
Eve Russell: No.
Father Lonigan: Smoking weed.
Eve Russell: Oh, no!