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The Whole Nine Yards (2000) Poster

Quotes

Jimmy: It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive.

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Frankie Figs: You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun.

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Jimmy: [Oz is mowing his lawn and Jimmy shows up] Hey Oz, since I'm new here I was wondering if you could show me the sites, you know?

Oz: Now?

Jimmy: [puts Oz in the car] Yeah, don't worry it's not gonna kill ya.

Oz: [quietly] Promise?

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Jimmy: I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.

[after a beat, the waiter turns to Oz]

Oz: I'm fine.

[the waiter leaves, and Jimmy starts laughing]

Jimmy: Fine? Let me tell you something, Oz. You are *not* fine. Do you know your wife wants you dead?

Oz: [tugs off his wedding ring] That much I've figured out.

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Cynthia: Have you vomited recently?

Oz: A minute ago. I was just gonna brush my teeth.

Cynthia: I'll wait.

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Oz: OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.

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Oz: Damn it, Jimmy. What the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?

Jimmy: Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...

Oz: Oh my God.

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Jimmy: My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?

Oz: I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...

Jimmy: [with increasing anger] No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that what you're telling me?

Jill St. Claire: Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!

Jimmy: [now livid] IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!

[Jill takes the phone from Jimmy]

Oz: [to Cynthia] He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.

Jimmy: FIND OUT WHERE HE IS!

[into phone]

Jimmy: JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!

[Jill takes the phone away]

Jimmy: It's a DISGRACE...

Jill St. Claire: [into phone] Oz, you stud, you!

Frankie Figs: Gonna be a DEAD stud.

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Jimmy: Everyone dies.

Oz: [looks worried]

Jimmy: Sooner or later.

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Jimmy: Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody.

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Janni Gogolack: Don't blong.

Oz: "Don't blong"?

Janni Gogolack: [Annoyed] Don't-BE-long!

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[after Oz tells Jimmy over a payphone he loves Jimmy's wife, while Jimmy doesn't know they slept together]

Jimmy: Will you listen to yourself? What are you talkin' about, you love her? You just met her!

[to Frankie]

Jimmy: He said he's in love with Cynthia!

Frankie Figs: No shit!

Jill St. Claire: So SHE'S the one!

Jimmy: She's the one what?

Jill St. Claire: The one he schtupped in Chicago!

Jimmy: The one he...

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Cynthia: You really meant it, didn't you? What you said?

Oz: About loving you? Of course! What did you think this was all about?

Cynthia: [shrugs] Sex. I mean, GREAT sex...

Oz: [chuckling] It was pretty good... is that all this has meant to you?

Cynthia: Don't get me wrong, Oz. I like you a lot...

Oz: Well, that's great to hear, but I've got news for you. I don't generally go around risking my life for people who just like me.

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Jill St. Claire: I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet.

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Cynthia: Promise me something.

Oz: Anything.

Cynthia: You'll go slow. I haven't made love in five years.

Oz: Neither have I. I've been married.

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Janni Gogolack: You know I have this same car?

Oz: Really?

Janni Gogolack: No.

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Oz: He sa... he said you guys haven't even met.

Sophie Oseransky: Who you going to believe? A contract killer or your wife?

Oz: Do I have to answer that?

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Jimmy: I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise.

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Cynthia: But he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore, and like I said, he doesn't believe in divorce.

Oz: But murder he's okay with.?

Cynthia: It's what he does.

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Sophie Oseransky: You do this for me, and I give you your divorce. And if you don't do this for me, I swear I'll make your life so damn miserable it will make these past few years look like a pleasure cruise.

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Dave Martin: Don't do anything stupid.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Why would you say that?

Dave Martin: You married Sophie.

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Janni Gogolack: Expecting a call?

Cynthia: Explain to me how that's any of your business.

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Jill St. Claire: Your wife is not a nice person.

Oz: You're expecting an arguement?

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Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You're a dentist?

Oz: Afraid so.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You suicidal?

Oz: Why would you say that?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.

Oz: Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.

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Oz: [after Frankie beats a confession out of Oz] I MAY know where he is.

Frankie Figs: Well, all right. But don't tell me. Let's go tell Janni.

Oz: Okay. You mind if I piss a little blood first?

Frankie Figs: Please, by all means.

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Jimmy: Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives.

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Jill St. Claire: [on Sophie] You know, you'd be doing the world a favor if you just had her whacked.

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Janni Gogolack: My father is a great man. A man of wision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs. Unlike that rat FUCK, piece of SHIT... Tudeski.

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Jimmy: You're a lucky guy, Oz.

Oz: Why would you say that?

Jimmy: You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.

Oz: So what are you betting on?

Jimmy: I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.

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Janni Gogolack: I vant you to understand, when it comes to Yimmy Tudeski, we're not talking about a human being. We're talking about a rodent! We're talking about wermin!

[pause]

Janni Gogolack: Where was I?

Oz: Wermin, I think. Wermin.

Janni Gogolack: We're talking about someone - SCREW THAT! - some THING that doesn't deserve to be breathing. The AIR!

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[at the bank, Jill proposes double-crossing Jimmy, splitting the money, and running]

Jill St. Claire: What do you think?

Cynthia: I think... I know, that if we did, Jimmy would kill Oz.

Jill St. Claire: So what? Think about it, Cynthia. We're talking about five million dollars each, here.

Cynthia: [realizes] The thing is... I think I love him.

Jill St. Claire: You think? Sweetheart, for five million dollars, you'd better be damn sure!

Cynthia: [smiles] I am. I'm sorry, but... I love him.

Jill St. Claire: You do?

Cynthia: [laughs] Yeah.

Jill St. Claire: [grins back] That's the right answer.

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Oz: I swear, I am not gonna let anybody kill you.

Cynthia: Under the circumstances, I think that's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

Oz: Thanks.

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Jimmy: But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.

Oz: Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.

Jimmy: Yeah, whatever.

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Jimmy: I take it you're not Canadian.

Oz: Only by marriage.

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Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Oh, and don't forget the corpses.

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Oz: Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch.

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Jimmy: [speaking about Oz] You are the most chivalrous guy I've ever met.

Jill St. Claire: Do you see why I couldn't kill him?

Jimmy: I love him!

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Oz: [Jimmy just shot Frankie Figs] Why did you kill him?

Jimmy: [Jimmy throws the gun into the river] Well, I had to kill one of you.

Oz: Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?

Jimmy: Well, if I didn't kill you, Frankie would have. Then he would have figured I'd gone soft, and eventually come after me and the money.

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Jimmy: You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni!

[shoots Janni in the head]

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Jimmy: [after finding out Oz slept with his wife] I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.

Oz: Yeah. Who knew?

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[Sophie is driving Oz to the airport; he is on the phone with Jill]

Jill St. Claire: Are you going alone?

Oz: Yes.

Jill St. Claire: Good, can you do me a huge favor while you're there? Go out, and get laid.

Oz: Jill!

[covers the phone]

Jill St. Claire: And call me the second you get back. Better yet, call me right after. Call me during! I want all the details!

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Jimmy: [after Oz makes him laugh] You sure you're a dentist?

Oz: Yeah. Why?

Jimmy: Because I've never met a dentist I liked.

Oz: Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.

Jimmy: Me, too.

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Oz: All right, maybe he won't come after us. Maybe he'll just let us go.

[Cynthia just looks at him]

Oz: All right, maybe I can talk with him, reason with him. I mean, we're friends now, right?

Cynthia: That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.

Oz: What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?

[Cynthia just looks at him]

Oz: I don't want to know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.

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Frankie Figs: You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?

Oz: I felt sorry for him! I like him. Well, I liked him?

Frankie Figs: So you don't like him no more?

Oz: Well, it's a little hard to maintain a friendship with a man who wants to kill you.

Frankie Figs: If you sold my ass out to Janni, then told me about it, I'd want to ice your ass, too!

Oz: I know.

[Frankie sucks on his teeth]

Oz: You know, I can close that gap for you.

Frankie Figs: Really?

Oz: Yeah, you'd be in and out.

Frankie Figs: You're kidding. This thing right here?

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Frankie Figs: Oz, I just wanted to be sure it was you. Everybody's inside. By the way,

[grabs his crotch]

Frankie Figs: Huevos grandes, amigo!

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Jimmy: You like living in Canada?

Oz: No, I live here with my wife.

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Jill St. Claire: You don't like the Walther?

Jimmy: I think you should go with what you're comfortable with.

Jill St. Claire: It's what James Bond uses.

Jimmy: Really?

Jill St. Claire: Yeah.

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Jimmy: The great and powerful Oz.

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Frankie Figs: Aren't you gonna cry out for help?

Oz: Would it do any good?

Frankie Figs: ...No.

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[Oz watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him]

Oz: This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.

Sgt. Buchanan: You want to talk with her?

Oz: No... no, I don't think so.

Agent Morrissey: I don't blame you.

Oz: You guys know any good divorce lawyers?

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[every time Oz doesn't answer, Frankie hits him in the stomach or kidneys, then hugs him to stop him collapsing]

Frankie Figs: My brother, believe me, you don't want to dance with me all night.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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