John Crichton: I love waiting to see how things go South.
General Ka D'Argo: Why do our plans never work?
John Crichton: Murphy's Law.
John Crichton: How do you say 'we're screwed' in your native tongue?
Dominar Rygel XVI: Double the Crichton, and you double the waste of time.
General Ka D'Argo: One... two... fire.
John Crichton: Hey, what happened to three?
[season one and two introduction]
John Crichton: My name is John Crichton, an astronaut. A radiation wave hit and I got shot through a wormhole. Now I'm lost in some distant part of the universe on a ship, a living ship, full of strange alien life forms. Help me. Listen, please. Is there anybody out there who can hear me? I'm being hunted by an insane military commander. Doing everything I can. I'm just looking for a way home.
[season four opening monologue]
John Crichton: My name is John Crichton... an astronaut. Three years ago I got shot through a wormhole. I'm in a distant part of the universe aboard this living ship of escaped prisoners, my friends. I've made enemies. Powerful. Dangerous. Now all I want is to find a way home, to warn Earth. Look upward, and share... the wonders I have seen.
John Crichton: My name is John Crichton. An astronaut. Four years ago, I got shot through a wormhole to a distant part of the galaxy. I ended up on a ship... this living ship, populated by escapee prisoners who became my friends.
[Season three opening monologue; first John Crichton speaks in a regular voice; second John Crichton speaks in a distorted whisper]
John Crichton One: My name is John Crichton
John Crichton Two: I'm lost
John Crichton One: An astronaut
John Crichton Two: Shot through a wormhole
John Crichton One: In some distant part of the universe
John Crichton Two: Trying to stay alive
John Crichton One: Aboard this ship
John Crichton Two: This living ship
John Crichton One: Of escaped prisoners
John Crichton Two: My friends
John Crichton One: If you can hear me
John Crichton Two: Beware
John Crichton One: If I make it back
John Crichton Two: Will they follow?
John Crichton One: If I open... the door
John Crichton Two: Are you ready?
John Crichton One: Earth is unprepared
John Crichton Two: Helpless
John Crichton One: For the nightmares
John Crichton Two: I have seen
John Crichton One: Or should I stay?
John Crichton Two: Protect my home
John Crichton One: Not show them
John Crichton Two: You exist
John Crichton One: But then you'll never know
Both John Crichtons: The wonders I have seen
General Ka D'Argo: Face the wall and spread your feathers, big guy.
[about using wormholes to travel through time and space and to alter history]
John Crichton: Ah, screw it. But I am not Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck, Flash or Arthur frelling Dent. I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas.
[repeated line, talking about Sebaceans and humans]
Sikozu: Weak species.
General Ka D'Argo: I am a full-blooded Luxan, and ladies, I have so much cash in my pocket that I can assure you that the three of us will crawl out of here on our hands and knees come sunrise tomorrow morning...
General Ka D'Argo: I've been arrested for saying exactly the same thing on four different planets.
Aeryn Sun: What happened?
John Crichton: [a little stoned] : Molnon and I were having a pissing contest... I won.
John Crichton: We don't have a lot of time; in fact, we have no time. We need your assistance.
Pilot: Without hesitation.
[John and is talking about Earth to his sister]
John Crichton: Coming here was a mistake... it was an accident... and it shouldn't have happened. I know things that the government cannot hear.
Olivia Crichton: What? Is it bad?
John Crichton: No, its not bad.
[imitates E.T.'s voice]
John Crichton: Don't worry. It'll be okay. Trust me.
John Crichton: Bill Gates can't guarantee Windows. How can you guarantee my safety?