Drowning Mona (2000)
Chief Wyatt Rash: My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad."
Mona Dearly: Yeah? Well life handed me a pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?
Phil Dearly: Make shit salad?
Bobby Kalzone: It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.
Wyatt Rash: Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.
Bobby Kalzone: Peaches killed Jeff?
Mona Dearly: Don't call yourselves BJ Landscaping. You don't want people to go around calling you "Blow Job Landscaping."
Ellen: You're supposed to have that thing in your head that says, "BAD FUCKING IDEA, BOBBY!"
Bobby Kalzone: I do have it! It just didn't work!
Rona: Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.
Jeff Dearly: I want half. And don't give me none of that "fifty-percent" shit.
Jeff Dearly: Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.
Deputy Tony Carlucci: (to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death) So, uh... you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...
Phil Dearly: Yeah! Uh...
Deputy Jimmy D: I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow.
Deputy Tony Carlucci: Being that, you know, he's your son and all.
Phil Dearly: Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.
Mona: Why'de you pull us over Feege?
Feege: Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. What the hell is the matter with you son? (to Jeph)
Mona: What did you hurt him for?
Feege: He's drunk!
Mona: No he aint! Its OK baby. (to Jeph.) You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service pal!
Bobby Kalzone: Mona Dearly's dead.
Bobby Kalzone: She's dead- It was just a- car accident.
Ellie: You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate!
Bobby Kalzone: Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect.
Ellie: I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you.
Bobby Kalzone: How did they treat me?
Ellie: Badly, they're a houseful of freaks.
Jeff Dearly: Where's my car?
Deputy Jimmy D.: Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than you're car.
Jeff Dearly: Would someone mind tellin me what the hell's goin on?
Deputy Tony Carlucci: Your mother drove her car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead.
Jeff Dearly: What was she doing in my car?
Ellen: Yeah, but you're not even supposed to get that far, you're supposed to have that thing in your head that goes off and says, 'bad FUCKING idea, Bobby!'
Bobby Kalzone: I have that thing! I have that thing. It just didn't go off.
Ellen: [pause] Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.
Bobby Kalzone: What? You're pregnant? That's great!
Ellen: Uh huh! I thought so too, till a moment ago. I can't believe you killed someone!
[gets up to leave]
Bobby Kalzone: Where you going?
Bobby Kalzone: We need milk.
Jeff: [while threatening to kill himself] I know you all think I killed my parents.
Chief Wyatt Rash: We don't think you killed anybody!
Jeff: Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...
[a flashback shows Mona cleaving a sausage]
Jeff: Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.
Mona Dearly: Don't touch that beer, Jeff.
Jeff: [reaches out] Oh, give it to me.
Mona Dearly: I SAID...
[cleaves his hand clean off]
Jeff: [screams in pain] FUCK!
[back to present, everyone goes disgusted in shock]
Jeff: Was I so wrong?
Feege: You bet your ass.
Jeff: Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.
Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.
Jeff: I didn't kill my dad neither.
Chief Wyatt Rash: Then why don't you give me the gun.
Jeff: [puts the gun to head] BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!
Bobby Kalzone: [after Ellen slaps him after explaining what he did] What you do that for?
Ellen: [outraged] You killed Mona Dearly!
Bobby Kalzone: [chastened] I know.
Ellen: BUT WHY!
Bobby Kalzone: Because I thought I was killing Jeff!
Ellen: Bobby, my dad is the chief of police!
Bobby Kalzone: I know, but I wasn't gonna go through with it.
Ellen: It doesn't matter; you killed someone!
Bobby Kalzone: I'm sorry, but it seemed like a good idea of the time.
Ellen: A good idea of the time? 'Cut the grass at 6:00, lay sod at 7:00, DROWN THE DEARLYS AT 8:00'!
Chief Wyatt Rash: Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?
Cubby: You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?