WWF Raw (1993– )
The Rock: The Rock is gonna lay the smackdown on your candy ass! The Rock is gonna go down Know Your Role Boulevard, hang that right at Jabroni Drive, and proceed to check your candy ass in at the Smackdown Hotel. Know you role and shut your mouth. If you smell... what the Rock is cookin'!
The Rock: Triple H, let The Rock understand this for a second. He beat your ass in a cage match, and now you're the number one contender for the WWF Title? Well The Rock realizes why that is. 'Cause you got a three foot nose, you turn it sideways, and stick it straight up Vince's ass! Now. Onto 'Bad Ass' Billy Gunn. The Rock understands what took place. The night you won King of the Ring, you got down on your knees, put your little hands together, and you said a prayer, and it sounded like this
The Rock: [in a squeaky voice]
The Rock: 'Oh dear God! You see, my names Billy. And I just won King of the Ring, but there's one problem. Everybody still thinks
[back to normal voice]
The Rock: that I absolutely suck!' And then at that point Billy, your house started to shake, the heavens opened up, and God himself spoke to you and said this 'Bob... ' 'But my names Billy!' 'It doesn't matter what your name is! You are absolutely right, you do suck! But there is one thing and one thing only you can do. You must go find the man who is simply electrifying. You must go find The Rock!' 'Oh but God, anybody but The Rock... ' 'Know your role and shut your mouth!' And then Billy, as fear went through your body, tears went down your cheek, and piss rolled down your leg! Your house started to shake again, the clouds parted, the heavens opened, and what seemed like Millions...
The Rock: [fans yelling 'And Millions!']
The Rock: Of voices all said to you in unison. Jabroni! If ya smeeellll! What The Rock... is cookin'.
Viscera: You know Trish, uhhh. I'm really glad that you agreed to this, because eating, always gets me in the mood.
Trish Stratus: [laughs] Really, well. You must be the horniest guy on the planet then.
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: She shouldn't even be here right now, she should be in the back with Mr. McMahon, having fun.
JR: How do you know that was fun?
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: What do you mean how would that be fun? You don't think that would be fun?
JR: Well, he's not exactly my type, if you know what I mean...
Hulk Hogan: What you gonna do, brother? What you gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?
The Rock: After three boring minutes The Rock says Know Your Roll and Shut Your Mouth! How dare you little Jabroni come on The Rock's show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
Chris Jericho: I told you...!
The Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!
Stone Cold: And that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so.
Stone Cold: If you wanna see Stone Cold Steve Austin open up a can of whoop-ass, give me a *hell* yeah!
Stone Cold: *What*?
Vince McMahon: [J.R. is talking to Steve Austin on the phone and Mr. McMahon and the Corporation shows up]
Vince McMahon: Who are you talking to?
JR: [covering up who he is really talking to] My cousin.
Batista: Take this however you want it, but I think that you, would make a great politician.
Eric Bischoff: Thank you Batista!
Batista: You're Welcome.
Eric Bischoff: Hmm. Mayor Bischoff. I like that.
[Batista who just left steps back into frame putting his arm on Eric's shoulder]
Batista: Better yet. Used Car Salesman.
Shawn Michaels: [Canadian crowd is chanting "You Screwed Bret" during an interview with him] ... And your point being *what*, exactly?
Bret Hart: [after shoving Vince McMahon down] Frustrated isn't the goddamn word for it! This is BULLSHIT! You screwed me, everybody screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here! Everybody knows it! I know it! EVERYBODY knows it, I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion! Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye, you keep turning a blind eye to it, I've got that Gorilla Monsoon, he turns a blind eye to it, everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I'm the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
[turns to fans]
Bret Hart: And if you don't like it, tough SHIT!
Chris Jericho: [to Kurt Angle] Welcome to RAW is Jericho! And Kirk Angel, I admit you've got the Intercontinental Championship, but you've also got bad breath and a terrible case of BO! And I would much rather look like this than look like a 30 year-old, never-kissed-a-woman olympic geek who still lives at home with his mommy. So Mrs. Angel, put down your Whiskey sour, pick the corn chips from between your teeth and see your baby boy 'Jackass' get a Y2J beating that he will never, ever forget a-gain.
Stone Cold: [to Mike Tyson] I respect what ch'ya done Mike, but ch'ya out here callin' yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of THE worlds toughest Son of a bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I - Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearing is, but if ya don't understand what I'm saying I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya!
[Gives Tyson the middle finger]
The Rock: [singing to the tune of "Happy Birthday"] Happy Birthday to Steph. You're a ho with big breasts. So take the night off from hooking, if you smell what the Rock is cooking!
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: [after looking at a Playboy issue featuring Christy Hemme] You have no idea what I'm using as a bookmark!
Shawn Michaels: It's better to be pissed off than pissed on!
[throws cup of his urine into Vince and Shane McMahon's faces]
Stone Cold: Look me in the eyes and explain yourself, you tell me right now that I'm not the worlds toughest Son of a Bitch. You're as guilty as Shawn Michaels is. All I was doing was backstage, and you're trying to provoke me. Why I - That's exactly what you did 'cause that - as you can see I am a little pissed off.
Vince McMahon: Steve. It was just a figure of speech. "Baddest man on the plant" is a figure of speech.
Stone Cold: [Puts his middle finger in Vince's face] This is a figure of speech right here how do ya like it?
Shawn Michaels: I'm the 'Showstoppa', the Main Event, the ICON!
Triple H: What I propose, Cactus Jack, is that one more time, you and me. At No Way Out, one more time. But this is it! Your last shot at me, your last shot at the WWF title. And Cactus, you can have any type of match you want. Just... there will be no two-by-fours wrapped in razor sharp barbed wire. There will be no sharp, metallic objects. There will be no thumbtacks. There will not be any of your sadistic toys. We will have a match, plain and simple.
Cactus Jack: Let me get this straight: you want me in a match, but it cannot involve two-by-fours wrapped in barbed wire. You want me in a match, but it cannot involve thumbtacks. You want me in a match, but it cannot involve sharp, metallic objects.
Triple H: Congratulations, your brain does still work.
Cactus Jack: Well, let me ask you this: you throw all those toys out of the picture, and I can have any other match I damn well desire?
Triple H: Yes.
Cactus Jack: Doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun, Triple H, but I'll tell you what: no barbed wire, no thumbtacks, no metallic objects... you leave me with only one choice.
Cactus Jack: Hell in the Cell!
[the audience pops]
C.M. Punk: You want me to do commentary?
Triple H: I want you to do commentary!
C.M. Punk: Can I wear your blazer?
Triple H: You can even wear my blazer!
C.M. Punk: I'm in!
JR: Oh, my God!
JR: Business is about to pick up.
JR: He's running like a scalded dog.
JR: This is gonna be one slobberknocker!
JR: Aw, *come on*!
JR: He's getting whipped like a government mule.
The Rock: [when Big Show first appeared on Raw in 1999 with Vince McMahon] Vince, who is this roody poo? Big Time! Do you think that you can just walk your candy ass onto The Rock's show? That you can just walk your candy ass down Know Your Role Boulevard? And actually have the audacity to speak to the Great One that way? The Rock says you should know your role and shut your mouth!
The Big Show: Hey Rock! No, no, no, no, no, no. Hey pebble! You better shut that big hole under your nose or I'm gonna close it with my fist.
Vince McMahon: What we have here in The Corporation we like to have fun. We like to make jokes. Fool around. Things of that nature. And have a good time.
The Rock: Make jokes The Rock's ass! Let The Rock tell you somethin. You overgrown 500 pound bag of Monkey Crap! You, are three seconds away. And The Rock means three seconds away, from The Rock layin' the Smackdown on your Candy Ass!
Vince McMahon: [after Howard Finkel tries to say goodbye to Mr. McMahon after leaving WWF for a short time]
Vince McMahon: [yells]
Vince McMahon: Get the hell away from me!
Shane McMahon: [to Vince]
Shane McMahon: Respect this!
Referee Earl Hebner: [after being forced to give Triple H back his WWF belt after he did a fast three count and got touched by Triple H]
[to Triple H]
Referee Earl Hebner: I'm going to press charges against you if you ever put your hands on me again.
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: Her with those curves and me with no brakes!
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: Puppies!
Viscera: Horniest guy on the planet huh? Waiter. See this page right here? That's me right there dog, I'll take it.
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: Christy won't go anywhere without Lita, of course Lita will go anywhere.
JR: You can't prove that.
Randy Orton: My message was clear, you're either with me or against -
Randy Orton: You're either with me or against me!
Eric Bischoff: Batista. Before I go. I wanted to clear something up about last week. You called me a used car salesman. You were kidding right?
Batista: No, I wasn't kidding.
Triple H: [about Batista] If he so much as blinks on me, I will get on him as fast as possible!
The Rock: [on an episode of This is Your Life after Mankind introduces The Rock's high school sweetheart] How you doin' honey? You remember-uh, every Saturday night back in high school how you and The Rock use to sit on your parents couch. And The Rock use to put his arm around you and, we use to kiss a little bit. We use to kiss a little bit. A lot of tongue. You use to love The Rock's tongue, didn't ya? I remember how you use to nibble on The Rock's ear. Then The Rock's neck. And you would whisper to The Rock. You use to whisper to The Rock, 'Hey Rock, go for it, go for 2nd base!' Remember that? And as The Rock put his hand ever so gently on your knee, slid his hand up inch by inch. And what did you do?
The Rock: [shouting]
The Rock: YOU CUT THE ROCK OFF ON SECOND BASE! But The Rock's not the type a guy to hold a grudge. You see you stand now before The Rock, lookin' at The Rock, gawkin' at The Rock, wantin' to go one on one with the Great One? And now in front of all The Rock's fans you wanna serve The Rock a great big piece of that poontang pie?
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: [choking]
JR: Oh! No.
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: What kinda pie was that JR?
JR: I, I don't know. Whatever it was I'm sure she'll be willing to serve it tonight. Piping hot! Home made!
The Rock: It's no secret, The Rock, he loves pie. But The Rock just has one thing to say to you... poontang your ass on outta here!
Chris Jericho: [to Chris Benoit] Welcome to RAW is Jericho! And Chris Benoyt, you seem to take yourself VERY, VERY seriously, but I take myself seriously too if I did all my interviews *in a monotone, robotic voice with no charisma whatsoever. And tonight, you radical jackass, this "supposed #1 contender" is going to give YOU an actual Y2J beating that he will never, ever forget a-gain.
Matt Hardy: [Matt Hardy makes his return, jumps Edge, gets broken up by security, and then grabs the mic] Adam, you bastard, I'm gonna make your life miserable! And Lita, you whore, I'm gonna make your life miserable too! And the WWE can kiss my ass!
[security tackles him]
Matt Hardy: Come see me at Ring of Honor! R-O-H!
Paul Heyman: [a couple of female wrestlers are rolling over referee Jack Doe whilst fighting] I want to be jack Doe when I grow up!
JR: He wants to be Jack Doe when he grows up.
Jerry 'The King' Lawler: [to Jonathan Coachman after being humiliated by Stone Cold Steve Austin] You have HBO. Horrible Beer Odor!
JR: [as Raw went off the air on January 3rd, 2000] The Rock has won the match, and Triple H is... pissed!
Vince McMahon: Right now. Uh, the following Public Service Announcement is brought to you by the chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Kids I have a lesson for you. If you're, a user, you're a loser. Don't wind-up like Shawn Michaels. Don't do drugs. Thank you very much.
Shawn Michaels: I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing Howard Finkel does not get a lot of chicks!
Khosrow Daivari: [yelling in Arabic]
Chris Jericho: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's disgusting! You wanna do *what* with me?