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(1999– )

Quotes

Zubin Khan: For the first time ever, the NHS has more managers than beds. Did you know that?

Helen Grant: Your point?

Zubin Khan: I've got a rather revolutionary idea. You can take it to your next Trust meeting if you like. Get the managers down on all-fours, throw blankets over them - and hey presto!

Ric Griffin: [to Helen Grant] People management. Not really your forté, is it?

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Connie Beauchamp: Unless Tom Campbell-Gore is wearing my skirt and heels, I'm in charge here.

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Mark Williams: The drinks are on me.

Chrissie Williams: Who do you think you are? The Milky Bar Kid?

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Connie Beauchamp: Do you get altitude sickness?

Will Curtis: What?

Connie Beauchamp: From your moral high ground.

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Rosie Sattar: I'm 40. There's something I'm missing. Oh, yeah, a baby. Pass me the yellow pages.

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[Will and Mubbs are carrying out an operation that Connie has specifically ordered them not to carry out]

Will Curtis: We need to get through this as quickly as possible - every minute on the table is putting an extra strain on her heart.

Mubbs Hussein: It's not something I can rush. If I deliver too much fluid or too quickly it may cause the placenta to detach.

Will Curtis: It's Connie detaching my testicles that I'm concerned about.

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Zubin Khan: Mrs Beauchamp, I have to admit that you have the leadership skills of an eight-year-old with a Kalashnikov.

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[gossiping about Connie]

Lisa Fox: Her husband's just been made chairman of the board.

Donna Jackson: Husband? I thought they just plugged her into the mains at the end of each day.

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[to Matt who has just terrified a patient by using lots of incomprehensible medical terms when she asked "What's wrong with me"]

Zubin Khan: Next time you go anywhere near a reference book, look up the term "layman".

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[to Matt, after a patient has disappeared from her bed to give herself a fix of morphine]

Lola Griffin: Matthew... Ever played Hunt-the-Patient?

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[repeated line]

Lola Griffin: As my late lamented grandmother used to say...

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Lola Griffin: As my grandma used to say, "If you look for a peck of trouble, don't gripe when you find a bushel."

Ric Griffin: [sarcastically] As ever, your grandma's wisdom astounds me.

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Lola Griffin: As Grandma used to say, "All mouth and no trousers makes Jack a dull boy".

Ric Griffin: Is it possible your grandma was a little confused?

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[reading patients' comment cards in the family-planning clinic]

Mickie Hendrie: [smirking] We've got some really good comments.

Donna Jackson: "I never knew you could get free condoms here. Now I won't have to re-use my old ones." How gross is that?

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Connie Beauchamp: And if you ever speak to me like that again, I'll make sure the closest theatre you get to is a box office.

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Dan Clifford: Oh, Percy, could I have a word?

Percy 'Abra' Durant: I'm very busy.

Dan Clifford: Uh, it's rather pressing.

Percy 'Abra' Durant: My tummy's very rumbly.

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[Dan closes the door to Abra's office]

Percy 'Abra' Durant: So? What now? Are you going to take me roughly over the desk?

Dan Clifford: You do the stent trial, I give you Keller theatre at night.

Percy 'Abra' Durant: [feigns ignorance] I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Dan Clifford: [smirks] Ric tends to leave things lying around in the office... files.

Percy 'Abra' Durant: All this over a stent trial? Seems a little OTT.

Dan Clifford: [sighs] Connie's sulking. We got into a bit of a penis-measuring contest which, naturally, she lost, and so she won't play ball. So I need your help.

Percy 'Abra' Durant: So this won't make me especially popular with Connie?

Dan Clifford: Whereas an unauthorised operation in her theatre would? And does she like you especially, anyway?

Percy 'Abra' Durant: Not apart from sexually.

Dan Clifford: She'd be a lot rougher than I would.

Percy 'Abra' Durant: [laughs]

Dan Clifford: So? Is that "yes"?

Percy 'Abra' Durant: What's a hospital like ours without a little research and development?

Dan Clifford: Excellent.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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