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Hello there. I'm a fat beer drinker from Japan. Beer is pronounced "bi-ru" in Japanese. Microbrewed beers are called ji-biru and are very popular. If I want to get drunk I am gonna buy some Asahi, Kirin, Suntory and Sapporo and get drunk as quickly as I can. You know, I'll get drunk with or without you, my Japanese babe. I'll drink beer till' my head explodes. Because drinking beer is better than having sex, I kid ya not. "Things" is a perfect film for dedicated beer lovers and booze enthusiasts. Grab some beer whilst watching this psychedelic piece of horror. Just beware: there 's still a couple of losers up there, don't let 'em drink all the beer. I'd love to drink some beer with Don Drake and Fred Horton from "Things" - these guys are beer-loving maniacs. There is not enough beer for 'em in the refrigerator. Hey sexy girl, may I ask for another Sapporo? You must see "Things" with me... I have seen "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan", "Plutonium Baby", "Troll 2", "Night of Horror", "sLaughterhouse II", "Bloodsucking Kettle from the Alien Zone", "Raping My Pink Bunnies", "Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell", "The Crawlers", "Porno Zombies", "Nightmare Weekend", "The Brain" and I must say to you, my lovable angel: "Things" tops them all. Chock full of blood and gore, farting ant-like creatures, bad acting, cheap hooker in the mask showing her snatch, chainsaw dismemberment and... beer. 9 out of 10 for thingies, who enjoy drinking booze. A beer smacking masterpiece of horrific horror. Biiru mo kudasai!
THINGS is notable mostly as a curio, being the mainstream(?) film
launchpad of blue movie queen Amber Lynn. So popular was she in the
jizz biz, it seemed inevitable that she'd do a non-sexual role.
Well...in this stultifying mess, Amber demonstrates that she is,
indeed, able to read(!). Her participation consists entirely of
prerecorded video footage which features her as a news anchor,
reporting a number of random idiocies on a t.v. in the house where this
"movie" takes place. She looks just as if she were on a porn set, and
reads blankly from a cue-card at the side of the camera(after suffering
through a few moments of this, you'll be praying for Ron Jeremy to
enter the scene and shovel his hairy business into her flapping maw
just to keep her silent).
What we're offered, besides the dramatic marvels of Ms. Lynn, is badly shot footage(sans synchronized sound)of drunk morons in a trashy house spouting bits of witless dialog, and a woman in the bedroom who dies while giving birth to several immobile paper-mache bugs that look like baked hams with spindly legs and fangs. That's about all I can say for certain, as THINGS is so unfathomably disjointed and illogically conceived. Sadly, I have little doubt that some will actually find reason to praise this garbage as some sort of "art brut" masterpiece, rhapsodizing with masturbatory ardor over its disorienting surreal quality and experimental concrete minimalism. God help them.
1/10...a legitimate contender for "all time worst" accolades.
I literally got a headache trying to finish this movie upon first viewing but then I watched it again and again. Then I started to laugh so hard i cried. When I returned it to the video store (yes kiddies a video store this one is too bad for DVD) I had to buy it. This is beyond the worst movie ever made but it is also one of my favourites, because it is soooo bad! Much like the other posts, when people try to tell me what the worst movie ever made is I quickly bring out my copy of THINGS! There is too many bad things about this film to type so if you want a real treat search this one out! Trust me you will have to struggle through it the first couple of times but it becomes so laughable you will love it! P.S. If anyone out there knows where I can pick up a copy of Barry's follow up, "Wicked World" please let me know. I am now an addict!
This is it my friend. When you haunt video stores in the hope of
finding the worst movies ever made you can stumble across all types of
elements that can make a movie terrible but 'things' managed to combine
them all to produce a film that is so bad that it totally represents
the bottom of the cinematic barrel.
1.Bad special effects. Check. The mutant ants (which seem to number in the dozens despite the tiny belly that they erupted from) in some scenes seem to be filled with green slime and in others, paper mache.
2.Bad dialog. Check. This is one of those movie where everyone seems compelled to make noise no matter what they are doing. My favorite scene involves a man looking through cupboards and saying "Hummm" as he opens each one.
3.Fully dressed Porn star. Check. Porn star and club owner Amber Lynne shows up as a reporter who spends the entire movie sitting on a chair and reading off cue cards. The remarkable thing is that in one of her first mainstream films, the set she is on has lower production values than any porn she had appeared in.
4.Referrences to better movies. Check. The biggest mistake a bad movie can make is reminding the audience of much better films and "Things" seem to revel is discussing movies like "Evil Dead" and comments about "last house on the left"
I could go on but the point has already been made. Of all the movies I have seen in my life this may actually be the worst. I know negative reviews will often cause people to seek out certain films but let me just say, watch at your own risk.
OK it's late and I don't have the energy to do it justice, but I am
committed to telling the world about the 'Things' screening in Toronto
this past Saturday. In case you didn't hear Things is the most
hilariously incompetent and berserk movie ever made in Canada (NOT the
worst though - that honor goes to 'Caged Terror' - competence isn't
everything) and possibly the universe. It is mostly shot on Super 8 and
basically involves some hosers drinking beer and wandering around the
house. They are occasionally interrupted by an inert papier-mache ant
with fangs - it doesn't seem to bother anyone too much that it ate its
way out of one of the guys' wife's stomach - and 'newscasts' of
moonlighting pornstar Amber Lynn reading cue cards WAY off to the side
somewhere. There is one scene where a guy silently waves a flashlight
around a bathroom for ten full minutes. Dialogue includes "Next time we
go somewhere together I'm leaving you at home!" and "Does a toilet
flush during a blackout?" Star Ray TV's legendary Jan Pachul shows up
as some kind of 'mad scientist' and trumps everyone with his skeezing
hyperbolic delivery even though he's basically playing the same
mullet-headed boob as all the others. You can not believe that this
thing cost two months and $30,000 to make. They must have bought a lot
But the real show was the guys themselves. Most of the crew showed up for this, the 19 1/2 anniversary screening - which they said was the first time they ever saw it with an audience! The director was a modest soft-spoken guy, but the co-writer/'star' was very stoned and just could not shut up. He seemed to alternate between embarrassed, pre-emptive defensiveness and attempted good-natured embrace of the audience's howling contempt for their work - signified by him going "HEHHEH" very short and sharp and loud about every thirty seconds during the movie. When Trash Palace proprietor Stacey Case paused the tape for intermission Gillis insisted on telling everyone how much better it was about to get. (It really really didn't.) After the movie he took to the stage and wouldn't let it go; he talked so much no one could start the Q & A, and when the director gave it a shot he talked over HIM. He repeatedly promised to give everyone an autographed DVD (with extras!!) and to interview people for a 'documentary' they were going to do about the movie. Unfortunately both were sidetracked when - AFTER the movie had been over for about ten minutes - they went to turn the camera on and couldn't get it to work. Instead we got to watch three of these guys torture the camera in the corner for perhaps fifteen minutes while Stacey tried desperately to fill up the space. Finally the guy - who had been moaning about the turnout intermittently all night - stood on the stairs and yelled something to the effect of, "I mean I don't HATE Stacey, he's gotta make a living..." at which point the heretofore mesmerized audience came to the collective realization that they might actually never ever get out of there alive, so I did everyone a favour and started making strong ready-to-go gestures like standing up and putting on my backpack. Fortunately the stars all suddenly went out for a smoke which gave us a chance to declare the evening officially over.
Marijuana is a hell of a drug. I feel privileged to have been a part of this event - now "Things" will have new layers of meaning every time I watch it, which I expect will be once or twice a year for the rest of my life. (And for the record, the free DVDs did happen, after I left...peace Barry!)
I have only this to say: You may not remember what happened in this film, (or you may TRY to forget) but you will never forget the experience of watching it. Trust me on this. It is BEYOND bad. Are you listening? BEYOND bad...
Where to begin? I have also seen what I thought was the worst horror
movie ever made, that being "Night of Horror", but then I saw "Things"
and everything changed.
There is no doubt about it, Things is easily the worst horror movie ever made. It could also be the worst movie ever made. I have no idea how something this bad could end up on VHS and then on DVD years later. I can safely say I don't think we will ever see a bluray release. There's really no point haha.
As much as I thought this movie sucked, I have to admit I loved watching most of it. The stuff between brothers Don and Doug is so bad it's awesome.
Things makes little sense, features Amber Lynn in a totally throw away non-nude part(boo!), has terrible effects/lighting/audio and contains the worst acting known to man.
I give it a 1/10 but also say it's a must see for anyone who loves bad horror flicks.
The phrase "needs to be seen to be believed" is thrown about all too
freely these days but it's the best way to sum up Things. Stanley
Kubrick's 2001 has been called "A trip without LSD". I can tell you now
that the makers of Things achieved the same result on a budget which I
doubt reached triple figures. Gasper Noe has cited Gerald Kargl's
Austrian masterpiece Angst (1983) as an inspiration for the camera-work
in his searing Irreversible (2002), but I now know he also meant the
searching around the house with a torch scene in Things.
Things has a group of people in a house besieged by weird genetic freak ants... or maybe spiders... I think. But I'm not sure because Things left me with many questions...
...Why do we hear the story of a boy who started off "as thin as a toothpick" but ended up "as fat as a fridge"? Why do characters speak banalities for ages? Why does the father look the same age as his daughter? Why is the horribly inept score bizarrely creepy in spite of itself and why is it almost non stop throughout the film? Why is a porn star reading the news and why is there even news being read in this film? Is it a film? Or did someone actually somehow manage to film a bonafide bad dream? Is it all a possible allegory for... hard drug withdrawls? What is up with that guy's bum fluff 'tache? Why do they keep drinking beer? Why is there a tape recorder in a fridge and did they then put their jackets in said fridge or did I actually hallucinate this? Why do the people act drunk, stoned or like actual zombies? Why is the editing so abrupt that it cuts off actual dialogue and why is the sound so inconsistent? And most of all.... why could I not turn away from this hypnotic mesmerising experience that came across as a nightmare and didn't make a lick of sense, despite it making my head hurt and eyeballs ache?
These questions were never answered. But I do know that Things will suck you into its surreal nightmarish vortex... and you may not want to leave.
Things is the type of film that you give either 0/10 or 10/10. And if I could give Things 11/10 then I would but that wouldn't make sense, much like the madness that is Things, so I won't. But I will give it 10/10 because Things actually managed to spellbind me. And not many films can make that claim.
Also, if the makers could contact me and let me know when the side effects of Things wears off I'd be very much obliged as I'm still feeling kinda weird and spaced out an hour after watching it.
There is only one.
There is no other.
If you've been looking for the best, you've now found it.
To those who saw it and disliked it: you'll die never understanding.
I won't review the plot here, as there has been enough of that already. Such descriptions may provide information on the physical details of the events in the films, but there is something indescribable in the way it is put together.
If you want to understand, FIND IT! It is rare, but worth it indeed.
...and if you dare, order his second film, Wicked World, from his very own website: www.barryjgillis.com Long live the best film ever made: THINGS!
I love this movie!If you get a chance to see "THINGS",Do it! Sometimes a movie is so bad,that it borders on genius!Ok,maybe not genius but this movie had me in tears.I couldn't stop laughing.Barry Gillis,Doug Bunston and Bruce Roach all did great jobs in this!Plenty of blood guts and gore and probably the lamest creatures you will ever see provided by Glenn Orr.The movie that dares to ask the question,"Does a toilet flush in a Blackout?"
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