Me, Myself & Irene (2000)
Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit.
Irene P. Waters: That's sweet.
Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better.
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too.
Hank Evans: Do you swallow?
Hank Evans: Hey, ringworm.
[Softball Player looks around]
Hank Evans: Yeah, I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick up that butt, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?
Softball Player: Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.
Hank Evans: Oh yeah? Well, this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
[In the roadside eatery, a kid with glasses is slurping his drink annoyingly, and then Charlie transforms into Hank]
Hank Evans: What are you staring at, fucker? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event and you're dancing on the fault line.
Kid's Father: [the father stands and approaches] Hey, what is your problem, pal?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.
Shonte Jr.: Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron!
Jamaal: Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.
Shonte Jr.: What? What?
Jamaal: What's a deuteron made up of?
Shonte Jr.: Duh, a proton and a neutron.
Jamaal: Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing right there?
Shonte Jr.: Shit, I don't know!
Jamaal: Well, get it outta there then!
Shonte Jr.: Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here?
Jamaal: Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a fuck!
Lee Harvey: Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.
Jamaal: Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he's stupid!
Shonte Jr.: I ain't stupid.
Jamaal: Aw, shit, man.
Charlie Baileygates: Mornin', fellas.
Lee Harvey: Oh, hey, Dad.
Jamaal: Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?
Charlie Baileygates: What's all the commotion down here?
Jamaal: Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.
Charlie Baileygates: How's my little guy doing?
Shonte Jr.: Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.
Charlie Baileygates: Ooh, that'd be whack.
Lee Harvey: Man, he so fuckin' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Jamaal: [bumping fists] Give it up, dog.
Shonte Jr.: Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste!
Guy on Street: Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.
Hank Evans: Well I guess he likes the cock after all.
Jamaal: He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!
Hank Evans: [singing to The Dwarves' MotherFucker] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo...
[sees Irene with a lawn dart at the ready]
Hank Evans: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[turns off radio]
Hank Evans: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.
Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies."
Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime.
Hank Evans: Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure.
Hank Evans: Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!
Irene P. Waters: Look, I don't know what that means, okay?
Hank Evans: It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good.
Irene P. Waters: Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?
Hank Evans: Vagiclean, huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.
Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
Jamaal: Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?
Lee Harvey: 4.08 centimeters.
Jamaal: No, no, what's that in inches?
Lee Harvey: 1.61, man, what the fuck you gettin' at, man?
Jamaal: I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.
Shonte Jr.: Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his ass, man, look at him, he a tightass.
Jamaal: No, it can be done.
Lee Harvey: Yo. I'll take that bet.
[They bump fists]
[Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver]
Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free "Willy."
Lee Harvey: Shit, yeah, man, look, you keep fuckin' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you. Be stuck up there at Stanford with those goddamn sling-blade motherfuckers.
Jamaal: Shit, motherfucker, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke, gettin' a 1430 on yo' SATs.
Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you know I had the flu.
Jamaal: The flu, my ass! You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm to get a 1430!
Charlie Baileygates: I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven.
Shonte Jr.: Man how the hell can they call Pluto a planet? No motherfucking planet has an elliptical orbit. This shit don't make no sense.
Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Hank Evans: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side.
Hank Evans: I was horny.
Hank Evans: Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
Mr. Murphy, Disabled Guy: [seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch!
[Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station]
Irene P. Waters: What are those for?
Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
Irene P. Waters: What's it called?
Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Irene P. Waters: Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?
Hank Evans: No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity.
Lieutenant Gerke: I've seen it first-hand; the guy's nuttier than squirrel turds!
[Charlie, under his alter ego Hank, is dunking a rude little girl in a park fountain]
Hank Evans: You had enough? You've learned your lesson about jumping rope in the street and using dirty language?
Little Girl: I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!
Hank Evans: Wrong answer! And the name's Hank, fuckface. Learn it!
Charlie Baileygates: I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!
Irene P. Waters: For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!
Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Irene P. Waters: Hank!
Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.
Hank Evans: Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?
Officer Stubie: I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!
[in a police helicopter on the ground]
Shonte Jr.: Anybody know how to fly this damn thing?
Jamaal: Motherfucker, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation.
Lee Harvey: Yeah, man, get your head out your ass.
Shonte Jr.: It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole.
Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you speak German don't you?
Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good.
Jamaal: [Grabs instruction book] You a motherfuckin' disgrace!
[reading in German from the instruction book; subtitled]
Jamaal: Secure the aft doors and adjust the motherfucking rotor pedals!
Shonte Jr.: Jawohl!
Jamaal: [in German] Now, disengage the goddamn inverter switch!
Shonte Jr.: Jawohl!
Jamaal: [in English] Well, get this motherfucker off the ground!
Charlie Baileygates: Will you stay with me, no matter what?
Layla: Of course, Charlie.
Charlie Baileygates: Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me?
Layla: Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens.
Lee Harvey: Is your old lady happy?
Lieutenant Gerke: Is my old lady happy?
Lee Harvey: Yeah, because if your fuckin' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy.
Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over.
Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.
[after escaping Lieutenant Gerke]
Irene P. Waters: Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!
Hank Evans: Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.
Colonel Partington: Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?
Charlie Baileygates: Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flu!
Jamaal: Motherfucker! That motherfuckin' Vince Foster was murdered! I told you that shit!
Lee Harvey: Look, my man, will you quit hacking into them goddamn Pentagon files, man? Ain't no never mind who them crooked politicians be killing. You need to just do your goddamn studyin'!
[inside the airplane trailing the banner "Will You Marry Me, Bitch?"]
Whitey: It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight.
Jamaal: I'll tell you one thing, it's gonna be raining my motherfucking cookies if this motherfucker don't stop this turbulence shit!
[Whitey and Charlie are lying in bed in a hotel room together]
Charlie Baileygates: So, Whitey, what happened to your family?
Whitey: I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. Fucked up law, huh?
[after Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop]
Hank Evans: There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out.
[Puts ticket on the windshield]
Officer Stubie: Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?
Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel numb?
Charlie Baileygates: [referring to his pills] No, but they give me unbelievable cotton-mouth.
Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.
Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
Irene P. Waters: So I smoked some pot, what is that a crime?
Agent Steve Parfitt, FBI: [hesitates] ... Uh-huh.
Hank Evans: I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.
Irene P. Waters: I don't have and eating disorder.
Hank Evans: Whatever you say, slim.
Charlie Baileygates: Irene?
Irene P. Waters: Hmm?
Charlie Baileygates: Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?
Narrator: Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.
Irene P. Waters: You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, it happens.
Hank Evans: Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
Hank Evans: Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart.
Charlie Baileygates: Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?
Whitey: Casper, but my friends call me Whitey.
Charlie Baileygates: Uh, okay.
Charlie Baileygates: Do you people take checks?
Limo Driver: Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?
Charlie Baileygates: No, no, no, no, God, no! Your company.
Limo Driver: Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur!
Chris Rock: Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.
Charlie Baileygates: He's a funny motherfucker!
[When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground]
Hank Evans: Well fuck my ozone.
Charlie Baileygates: I never said anything remotely racist!
Limo Driver: Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than?
Charlie Baileygates: No!
Limo Driver: You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity!
[Limo Driver chases Charlie]
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir!
Limo Driver: Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap!
Shonte Jr.: [On Charlie's new chin] He sure is a Spartacus looking motherfucker.
Hank Evans: What the hell are you still doing here?
Charlie Baileygates: You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together.
Jamaal: My daddy ain't killed nobody, and he sure as shit ain't kidnapped no skinny-ass bitch!
Narrator: It's funny how a man reacts when his heart has been broken. Some men break down and cry like a baby. And some others take an uzi and climb a clock tower.
[after Dicky falls on Hank]
Hank Evans: Warden. I want my own cell.
Hank Evans: [after Dickie gets knocked out] Oh, your golf buddy?
Irene P. Waters: Yeah.
Hank Evans: Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.
Irene P. Waters: Knock it off, Hank!
Hank Evans: Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.
Irene P. Waters: Stop it.
Hank Evans: C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.
Irene P. Waters: Get away from me!
Hank Evans: Whoa!
Irene P. Waters: He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.
Hank Evans: Charlie?
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.
Hank Evans: [Frustrated] What the hell is that suppo- Could we just speak English for a second here?
Jamaal: These two motherfuckers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking.
Lee Harvey: Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob.
Agent Boshane: We just got a report that he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive.
[Charlie's sons look at each other; Lee Harvey raises an eyebrow]
[after Hank Evans has a bowel movement on the neighbor's lawn]
Shonte Jr.: Damn, do you think daddy's getting too much stress?
Lee Harvey: I think he's getting too much shredded wheat by the mothafuckin' look of it!