The PJs (1999–2001)
Thurgood Stubbs: What the hell did you put down that toilet?
Haiti Lady: Goat head wrapped in paper towels.
Thurgood Stubbs: How many times I gotta tell you? NO PAPER TOWELS down the toilet!
Haiti Lady: I'll bet the Devil himself couldn't make a better gumbo!
Thurgood Stubbs: [pleased] You think so?
Haiti Lady: I could ask.
Thurgood Stubbs: Just goes to show I don't have to go to the hospital to get positive results!
Thurgood Stubbs: I don't believe it! She conned me! She conned! She conned! She-co-con, she-co-con, she co-onned me!
Muriel Stubbs: I feel for you.
Thurgood Stubbs: Halt! Who goes there?
Smokey: Not me. I went behind the dumpster, like a gentleman.
[there's a knock on Thurgood's door during a terrible heatwave]
Thurgood Stubbs: If it ain't the heat, it's the stupidity...
Mrs. Avery: [points cane at Thurgood] Super! It's too hot! When you gonna turn down the furnace?
Thurgood Stubbs: The furnace ain't on, it's the middle of summer, you crazy old bat!
Mrs. Avery: Then when you gonna fix my calendar?
Thurgood Stubbs: Now, what the hell you buy a calendar for? You ain't gonna get to finish it!
[slams door in her face]
[Thurgood is in the hospital]
County Hospital Doctor: Mr. Stubbs, you had a mild cardiac episode, which we belive was due to prolonged hypertension.
Thurgood Stubbs: Give it to me in English, Doc.
County Hospital Doctor: You have very high blood pressure.
Thurgood Stubbs: [still doesn't understand] Hey look, we didn't all go to DeVry, all right?
County Hospital Doctor: [rolls his eyes, then talks in condescending voice] Okay... your blood is bad, especially when you get mad! And if you die, you'll be very, very sad. Okay?
Thurgood Stubbs: Now, was that so hard?
[Thurgood speaks as sweetly as he can]
Thurgood Stubbs: Oh, Mrs. Avery! I've got a surprise for you!
Mrs. Avery: [through the door] Keep talkin' like that and I'll pump you full of lead!
Thurgood Stubbs: Looks like that frog channel finally ran out of money.