Family Guy (1999– )
Tom Tucker: And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie!
Ollie Williams: IT'S GON' RAIN!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.
Interviewer: [Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
Peter Griffin: [thinks] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife...
Peter Griffin: Doin' your, er...
[sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]
Peter Griffin: ... son?
[interviewer's shocked expression]
[Stewie and Brian in the mall]
Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine.
[Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
[Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
[Stewie starts counting the money]
Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
Lois Griffin: What's going on?
Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[Scooby-Doo theme plays]
TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
Fred Jones: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby-Doo: [jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
Fred Jones: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!
Jaws: Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot.
[eats the swimmers]
Jaws: . Yummy.
Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
[makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
Peter Griffin: [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...
[cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
Control Room Director: You think he's on to us, Christof?
Christof: No, he's an idiot.
John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: A 'B'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter!
John Edward: Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter Griffin: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?
Glen Quagmire: [from afar] Giggidy!
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how's it going?
[Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
Brian Griffin: GOD
Brian Griffin: IS
Brian Griffin: PISSED.
Peter Griffin: [in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven
[children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Nah, I'm just jackin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.
[children look horrified]
Glen Quagmire's Mom: Here now, have milk.
[shows Glen Quagmire her breasts]
Glen Quagmire: All right!
[starts sucking on her breast]
Glen Quagmire: Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!
Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.
Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.
Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife.
[Quagmire and Cleveland drink]
Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.
Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!
Glen Quagmire: [he passes out]
Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold.
Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
Peter Griffin: [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.
[takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants]
Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter Griffin: Oh, god you're self-conscious
[Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]
Peter Griffin: See, now you're not alone.
Brian Griffin: Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.
Peter Griffin: Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
Peter Griffin: [cut to Peter with the Justice League] Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.
[Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier]
Peter Griffin: [laughs] All right!
Peter Griffin: Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
[the audience cheered and applause]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god, they liked it?
[the audience throws Peter flowers]
Lois Griffin: Stop it! Stop clapping right now!
[the audience stopped cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows!
[the audience faced on Peter]
Peter Griffin: Um...
[starts to fart long]
Peter Griffin: [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
Peter Griffin: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.
Adam West: [after killing a Noid that ruined most of his pizza] Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.
Meg Griffin: Guess what I am.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's right, I went there.
[cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc]
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.
Man: Good one Peter.
Man 2: That's what they're for all right.
Lady: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter Griffin: All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs?
[she stares at him angrily]
Peter Griffin: So you got something to look at while you're talking to them
[she's shocked, then Peter laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got something you look at while you're talking to them
Peter Griffin: So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed?
Stewie Griffin: Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...
Lois Griffin: Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...
Stewie Griffin: Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin: All right, that's enough!
[laves the table in disgust]
Lois Griffin: Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?
Peter Griffin: Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty.
Peter Griffin: I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
Darren (On Bewitiched): The power of Christ compels you, bitch!
Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin: Wrong! It's the ugly one.
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
Tooth #1: I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Tooth #2: Not so fast!
Tooth #1: Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!
[during the preview for the new action movie about Jesus]
TV Announcer: This July, let He who is without sin kick the first ass.
[Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face]
Meg Griffin: Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris Griffin: What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
Peter Griffin: Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's enough.
Peter Griffin: Eats babies.
Man: Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work?
Phil: I'd say looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours.
Phil: Come on, I'm buyin
Peter Griffin: Lois, are you high?
Lois Griffin: No, I crashed out about an hour ago.
Machine: You have 113 new messages
[Phone starts to beep]
Lois Griffin: Oh my!
Old Man: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.
Old Man: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.
Old Man: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
Old Man: Where are you?
Old Man: Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up.
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
Peter Griffin: Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: [for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert: [answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
Jesus: [talking about a gun] You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker: [takes out a joint] You know how to use one of these?
God: Let me light that for you, honey.
[he points, lights lady's cigarette with lightning bolt]
God: Yeah, you like that? Magic Fingers...
[points again, lightning strikes lady, sets bar on fire]
God: Jesus Christ!
God: Get the Escalade! We're Outta Here!
Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Stewie Griffin: [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.
Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.
Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Peter Griffin: Do you have any past injuries, physical anomalies?
Peter Griffin: Well, I didn't have gas for the first time 'til I was 30.
[flashback to Peter in the 1970s, sitting on a beanbag reading]
Peter Griffin: [farting noise]
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Don't make me beg now.
Chris: You're funny. Bye.
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.
Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy voice] Hello!
[Peter is receiving communion]
Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Peter Griffin: Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
Peter Griffin: So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
Woman Running Rehab Clinic: What's your name?
Peter Griffin: Uh
[looks around and sees a pea on a plate]
Peter Griffin: Pea.
Peter Griffin: [sees a woman crying] tear uh
Peter Griffin: [a Griffin flys across the room] Griffin. yeah that's it, Peter Griffin.
Peter Griffin: Oh crap.
Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
Glen Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.
[Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone]
Peter Griffin: Oh my god. It's the Children of the Corn.
[looking at whales]
Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.
[Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.
[during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down in shame]
[a fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie Griffin: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.
Stewie Griffin: They're getting nude! I mustn't watch, it's not the proper thing to... Wow! I say, nice ones, Janine! And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory! Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
Chris Griffin: Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting.
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried music.
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
[Peter with Charles Manson and the Manson Family]
Peter Griffin: Guys. I got invited to Sharon Tate's house. Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.
Chris Griffin: You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!
Meg Griffin: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris Griffin: Then how come I've never heard of it?
Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.
Peter Griffin: [Peter enters Meg's classroom wearing a towel] Hey Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.
[the Griffins have been invited for dinner at the Campbells, a family of nudists]
Dotty Campbell: Peter, can I get you a beer? I've got Bush.
[Peter unwillingly looks down at Dotty's crotch]
Dotty Campbell: Oh, and Bush Lite.
[Stewie's bath turns to blood]
Stewie Griffin: How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.
Stewie Griffin: [controlling a robot Peter] Blast, you vile woman!
Peter Griffin: Blast, you vile woman!
Stewie Griffin: Ugh, that'll never do... translator. You there, with the severe aesthetic deficiencies!
Peter Griffin: Hey, ugly!
Stewie Griffin: Excellent. Hahahahaha!
Peter Griffin: Sweet. Hehehehehe!
[Peter is visting Willy Wonka's chocolate factory]
Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?
[Peter has become a giant blueberry]
Peter Griffin: No.
Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
Peter Griffin: What? Are you calling me a liar?
Willy Wonka: No, I'm just saying...
Peter Griffin: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
Adam West: [after hearing Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing"] I love this song! And I love it more when amateurs sing the lyrics! But I hate baseball cards.
Brian Griffin: This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car.
Meg Griffin: I want to be a vet when I grow up.
Peter Griffin: Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.
Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up.
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.
Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin: Do... do I rub his nose in it?
Peter Griffin: I'm going to go to the bathroom.
[walks into an outhouse]
Peter Griffin: Lois, I don't think it's a toilet. It's just a hole.
[an animal knocks over the outhouse]
Peter Griffin: OH! OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE! IT'S IN MY RACCOON WOUNDS!
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
Peter Griffin: Yeah which is more than we got from those free loaded Canadians.
[blank screen appears]
Peter Griffin: Canada sucks.
Lois Griffin: Peter, Brian please! Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?
[cut to a scene with the same characters, but styled as a 1930s version might look, then cut back to the original scene]
Brian Griffin: I'm never going back to the way things were, not after the way I was treated, not after the things I've seen.
Chris Griffin: What did you see? Was it breasts?
Peter Griffin: Ah, geez, get over it Brian, I mean, how bad you have it here? When I found you, you were nothing but a stray.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] You swear, you never speak of that.
[cut to flashback of Brian and Peter's first meeting: Brian is washing car windows for change, Peter is passing in his car]
Peter Griffin: Uh, no thank you, I just had it cleaned.
[Brian starts cleaning window]
Peter Griffin: Oh. Ah, geez.
Brian Griffin: All set, sir.
Peter Griffin: I don't have any change, sorry.
Brian Griffin: Oh, that's okay. No charge.
Peter Griffin: Wait! Wait! Uh, you're hungry? 'Cause you know, my wife makes this beefaroni casserole, out of this world.
[Stewie builds a dish]
Stewie Griffin: [evil laughter] I've done it!
[lightning strikes him]
Stewie Griffin: Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!
[watching the sunset]
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.
Peter Griffin: Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett.
Boba Fett: All right! Goodbye virginity!
Stewie Griffin: [talking to a very old prostitute] So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man!
[pats him on the head]
Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
[picks him up]
Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?
Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
Chris Griffin: See, my dad's smarter than yours.
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, lardo.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter.
Lois Griffin: [talking to Chris] We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin: She's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Brian Griffin: Oh, my god, that was hilarious!
Lois Griffin: What does that say into me? Oh, go
Lois Griffin: yourself Diane.
Stewie Griffin: She said a swear!
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
[wiggles his tongue like a snake]
Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
Joe Swanson: At least I can do this:
Joe Swanson: ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah!
Disabled Man: [electronic voice]
Disabled Man: Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.
[Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg's hat and puts it in his pants]
Brian Griffin: Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...
Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin: Ow!
Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a hooker in the bed!
Peter Griffin: Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement
[they stand still]
Hooker: Where did you go?
Lois Griffin: [shimmies around] Remember this? Remember?
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.
Peter Griffin: [reaches into shirt and feels chest] Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh.
[pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".
Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh...
Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".
Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
[the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
Stewie: [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?
[Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Eh... yeah?
Peter Griffin: Hey, where's my VCR?
Hillbilly #1: Dangit, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box.
Hillbilly #2: It's *my* sex box. And her name is Sony.
Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby: That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it.
Peter Griffin: That... That doesn't sound right.
Bing Crosby: Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want?
[takes his belt off and whips Peter a few times]
[Death holds up a document that Peter doctored to proclaim he was dead to avoid having to pay his medical bills]
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
Lois Griffin: So he just left without saying anything?
Peter Griffin: All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
[the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!
Chumba Wumba #2: Gobbledy glue!
[observing Brian at a dog race]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze.
Peter Griffin: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.
Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming.
Stewie Griffin: How deliciously evil. It's like something out of Stephen King.
Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... uh...
[casts about desperately]
Stephen King: is attacked... by a giant... uh... lamp monster! Oooooooo!
Editor: You're not even trying anymore are you?
Editor: When can I have it?
Tom Tucker: This is Tom Tucker... 's evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going to go back inside my motel room where I'm going to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have another 45 minutes.
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Peter Griffin: It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.
Shelly: I'll have the es-cargott and a chabliss.
Brian: [sighs] Same here. Es-cargott and a chabliss.
Meg Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin: Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
Chris Griffin: Hey, mom, look at these bananas.
Peter Griffin: Why you smart little bastard.
Lois Griffin: Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.
[upon learning that Meg is dating a nudist]
Lois Griffin: Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.
Teacher: In French, to say yes you say oui-oui.
[Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man, that's hysterical.
Peter Griffin: Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo?
Peter Griffin: Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.
Cleveland: You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.
Meg Griffin: I guess that's OK. When did he die?
[opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]
Cleveland: We think it was some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.
Lois Griffin: Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!
Chris Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?
Lois Griffin: Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.
Chris Griffin: But I remember it so...
Stewie Griffin: [looking in the fridge for a drink] Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!
[we see a flashback of Stewie with a normal, round head, jumping up and down on the bed]
Stewie: I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother.
[Stewie hits his head on the ceiling, squashing it into its more familiar rugby-ball shape]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God, are you all right?
Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
Peter Griffin: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em.
[he backs into a parked car]
Peter Griffin: And, um, neither will that guy.
Peter Griffin: Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?
Peter Griffin: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it rip in the vestibule after service and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois Griffin: Top drawer.
Peter Griffin: Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, but that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie.
[Flashback to Peter sitting at a drive-in, facing the wrong way]
Stewie Griffin: [after Brian cries hysterically] I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie".
Stewie Griffin: Oh wait. I should have said "chi wa-wa".
[still no response]
Stewie Griffin: I don't have to
Stewie Griffin: impress you!
Peter Griffin: You're not fat, Chris, you just come from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great uncle, Jabba the Griffin.
Jabba the Griffin: Raja naba doa gola wookie nipple pinchy.
Chris Griffin: Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home.
Peter Griffin: Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge.
[on being President of the tobacco company]
Peter Griffin: And you won't believe all the perks we're getting!
Ugly Girl: [to Meg] Hi.
Meg Griffin: Uhh... can I help you?
Ugly Girl: Some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison.
Meg Griffin: That's ridiculous! I don't need...
Boy: Hey Meg, did you get less ugly?
Meg Griffin: [grabbing onto the ugly girl] Yeah!
[Family is sitting at Table. After Apocalypse. Eating eggs on random pieces of metal]
Lois Griffin: It's Ok. Right before the Apocalypse, Peter bought a year's worth of food.
[Camera Goes to Peter. He's just finishing off the last of the food]
Lois Griffin: PETER. You just finished off a years supply of food.
Peter Griffin: What a waste. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water and gets really bloated]
Peter Griffin: Everyone leave. I have to poop.
[Everyone looks at him]
Peter Griffin: NOW.
Chris Griffin: I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?
Meg Griffin: Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter...
[Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing]
Stewie Griffin: She needs to get laid big time!
Meg Griffin: I made flag girl!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you made flag girl. Great.
Stewie Griffin: Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter: Good 'cause this is starting to get boring.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter: Oh, no! Stewie!
Brian: First born...
Brian: [beat] Your wife.
Salesman: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Now, I know you've been here all day, so if you'll just sign this contract without reading it I'll take your blank check, and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot.
Peter Griffin: Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.
Lois Griffin: Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately.
Brian Griffin: It's only my second glass.
[takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup]
[doorbell rings; Peter's boss, Mr. Weed, is coming over for dinner]
Peter Griffin: That must be him. Oh God! I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and can't control of the volume of my voice.
Mr. Jonathan Weed: Hello Peter. How are you?
Peter Griffin: [yelling] Fine!
Peter Griffin: [quietly] Please come in.
Glen Quagmire: HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY... well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
[looking into a woman's window with binoculars while she is undressing]
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor.
Old Woman: Aw, look at you! I bet you're hungry.
Stewie Griffin: And I bet your lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!
Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?
Stewie Griffin: Hey! Look at this
[bow tie spins in a circle]
Stewie Griffin: Wow! Looks like I had to much coffee!
[pulls out a cigar]
Stewie Griffin: Ha cha cha cha cha cha cha!
Peter Griffin: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
Tom Tucker: [on the phone with his wife] Honey, I won't be home tonight. I have a hooker coming over. Well what about the pool man? He seems to like you.
Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
Peter Griffin: Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin: [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
Peter Griffin: [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!
Glen Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter Griffin: [flashback] I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois slugs Peter, knocking him out - cut to nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
Peter Griffin: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny.
Quagmire: [walks between two women] sorry, I didnt mean to come between you... or did I?
Chris Griffin: [driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking] excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right.
[Brian tries to distract an angry mob of rednecks]
Brian Griffin: Hey, look over there! It's a newly married inter-racial gay couple burning the American Flag!
Chris Griffin: I'm so hungry I could ride a horse!... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess.
Brian Griffin: I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!
Meg Griffin: Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now honey, your face smells fine.
Lois Griffin: You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky. Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey. Wrap your own damn presents. And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
Stewie Griffin: The life of the wife is ended by the knife.
Stewie Griffin: Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, I'm Chris.
Stewie Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Chris Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Stewie Griffin: [sings] If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
Chris Griffin: Puttin' on the ritz!
Stewie Griffin: Not my bit, but funny still.
Peter Griffin: [singing to Lois] Lois, you can't spell Love without L-O, You can't spell is without I-S, you can't spell... silo without Lois.
Peter Griffin: All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one.
Peter Griffin: I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Do you like to wear knickers? I do because I'm Winston Churchill.
Peter Griffin: Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
Meg Griffin: Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it!
Chris Griffin: I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!
Brian Griffin: Peter, being a hero is just being someone that somebody can look up to.
Peter Griffin: People have looked up to me... Remember that time I read to those kids at Sunday school.
Brian Griffin: Ah, when you forgot all the lyrics to the songs?
Peter Griffin: [flashback to church]
[Peter is singing a song to the kids]
Peter Griffin: Jesus really loves me./ He loves me a whole bunch./ That's why he puts Skippy in my lunch.
Peter Griffin: [Peter has taken a hose to the staircase and sprayed it with water] Hey, Brian, I made a waterslide with the stairs!
[goes down the stairs hitting bumps until he hurts himself, and starts crying like a little kid]
Brian Griffin: I'm not going to call the hospital because you wouldn't learn anything if I do.
Peter Griffin: [slurring, drunk] This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help.
Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
Lois Griffin: What?
Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
Chris Griffin: Oh, my God, the Government's here! Run E.T.!
[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are forming a band]
Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're going to be awesome!
Brian Griffin: Wait, what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I just - I'm ants at a picnic. All right, just making sure.
Stewie Griffin: The port is quite good.
Brian Griffin: Yes, quite good.
Chris Griffin: Indeed.
Peter Griffin: Most certainly.
Brian Griffin: What year is it?
Chris Griffin: '51.
Peter Griffin: Ah.
Stewie Griffin: Delectable.
Brian Griffin: Indeed.
Chris Griffin: Yes.
Peter Griffin: [Peter bursts into flames] Oh, dear.
Brian Griffin: What is it?
Peter Griffin: I spontaneously combusted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I am sorry.
Peter Griffin: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, very good then.
Chris Griffin: For the best.
Brian Griffin: Yes, indeed.
Stewie Griffin: Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?
Bonnie Swanson: Yeah, I don't want to bring a baby into the world with a man like him running around.
Peter Griffin: Ok, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years. Either have the baby or don't. Secondly, Quagmire's a good guy, he...
Bonnie Swanson: [Peter is attacked by the giant chicken and a five-minute fight ensues]
Peter Griffin: [is reading very loudly while intoxicated] Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times.
[he sees a cop]
Peter Griffin: Aww, crap.
Police Officer: Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?
Peter Griffin: [hesitates, and tries to evade the cop, still reading] The-life-of-a-silver-smith's-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one...
[crashes into a bookshelf]
Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again.
[he hangs up the phone]
Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter! You're not eating those, are you?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them.
Stewie Griffin: You know, it's dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.
[hops on Brian's back]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God!
Stewie Griffin: Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian Griffin: I don't believe this.
Stewie Griffin: That is why you fail!
Lois Griffin: All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples.
[hands him plastic bags]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I'm going to do it!
[tries to put it over his head but it doesn't fit]
Stewie Griffin: That's right I'm going to do it!
[tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn't fit]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you're Wonder Woman.
Peter: Ah, Los Angeles! Everything's big, everything's grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break.
[Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
Lois Griffin: [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex] Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!
[Lois leaves, Brian enters]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?
Stewie Griffin: Ngg...
Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
Brian Griffin: No, Peter. Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in House Party?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin: What about the drink that you put on ice?
Brian Griffin: That's Martini And Rossi.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now?
Brian Griffin: He was Mar... Mar... something.
Peter Griffin: *Wrong*! It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer.
Brian Griffin: Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it.
Brian Griffin: [shouts] Wait a minute!
Glen Quagmire: [Quagmire slowly peaks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!
Meg: Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?
[live hurricane report]
Tom Tucker: And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: It's rainin' sideways!
Tom Tucker: Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Had one!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: Inside-out, five miles away!
Tom Tucker: Can we get you anything, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: Chunky!
Lois Griffin: [referring to Peter] This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.
Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.
Jasper: So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, it's an all right show.
Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty!
[makes a ship horn sound]
Jasper: Somebody ship me out to sea!
Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What you got there, m'lord?
Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris, honey, we're not.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!
Chris Griffin: Liar!
Lois Griffin: Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, you are so full of...
[a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word]
Peter Griffin: What? I can't say
Peter Griffin: in my own
Peter Griffin: house!
Peter Griffin: great, Lois! Just
Peter Griffin: great! You know, you're lucky you're good at
Peter Griffin: my
Peter Griffin: or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you
Peter Griffin: a lubed up
Peter Griffin: of toothpaste in my
Peter Griffin: while you
Peter Griffin: on a cherry
Peter Griffin: Episcopalian
Peter Griffin: extension cord
Peter Griffin: wetness
Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket. That is the best.
Brian Griffin: Do you have a bathroom?
President of the New Yorker: Yes, follow me.
[takes Brian to a room where there are sinks, but no toilets]
Brian Griffin: Um... where are the toilets?
President of the New Yorker: Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard.
[Peter trips over a skateboard]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Lois, wanna go out?
Lois Griffin: Oh, Glen, I don't know if I'm ready yet...
[Quagmire looks uncomfortable, then smashes the clock. He changes the time on the clock]
Glen Quagmire: Are you ready now?
Peter Griffin: All right, I'll talk to him, Lois. But, uh, you know when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.
Stewie Griffin: You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.
Stewie Griffin: [trying to get Brian's attention] Look, I'm writing profanity on the walls!
[Stewie has written "poppycock"]
Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!
Peter Griffin: What if Kurt Cobain had quit?
[Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert]
Kurt Cobain: Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs!
Agent: Great concert Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album.
Kurt Cobain: Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love?
[Courtney Love looks down and grimaces]
Peter Griffin: I have no son! Except for Stewie... and Meg!
Olivia: Do you even know what sex IS?
Stewie Griffin: Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?
Peter Griffin: Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Peter Griffin: [Dancing to Axel F] Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh neh. Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh. Neh neh neh neh-neh neh and then another neh-neh neh neh-neh.
Woman on Tape: We're going to add...
[tape interrupts Lois]
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Ahh!
Lois Griffin: I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.
Lois Griffin: These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.
[starts taking a bathrobe off]
Peter Griffin: This is hot.
Lois Griffin: Turn around.
Peter Griffin: Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's okay.
Peter Griffin: Yeah?
Lois Griffin: I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter Griffin: Oh, come here you.
[starts to rewind]
Lois Griffin: You should've told me.
Lois Griffin: You should've told me.
Peter Griffin: Hi. I'm in the other room and I'm trying to get some sleep.
cheese guy: Look, a wagon wheel.
Peter Griffin: What the hell's your problem?
cheese guy: I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.
Peter Griffin: Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.
Guardian of the College: Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!
Peter Griffin: [posing as Britney Spears] How about a kiss, Justin?
Justin Timberlake: Uh, sure, Britney.
[they kiss, and Peter transforms]
Justin Timberlake: Aaahh!
Peter Griffin: He, he, he, he! I'm Gene Shalit now.
Peter Griffin: This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues".
Talking Vagina: [on stage at a comedy club] You know I heard they're using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly.
Talking Vagina: Okay, that one wasn't so fresh, but you knoooow...
[Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin: [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
[cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right.
Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: It's your favourite honey, tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin: Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you take care of that...
Peter Griffin: What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: What about the...
George: [a parody of "The Jetsons": George and Roy are on the dog walking treadmill, a cat appears, Roy chases him] Help!
[he falls again]
George: Stop this crazy thing!
[he falls again]
[Brian watches Nova]
Man on Nova: After years of study, I discovered the secret to longer life for canines, and that secret is...
Man on TV: We interrupt this program for several episodes of "One Day at a Time"
Ms. Romano: Damn it, Julie, I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago.
Schneider: Oh, I'll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I'll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory.
[Brian hollers, then he crashes on the couch passed out]
Joe Swanson: [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!
Cleveland: Fooled you!
[all but Peter laugh]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?
Joe Swanson: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?
Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.
Joe Swanson: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, man!
Peter Griffin: Fooled you!
Peter Griffin: Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
Diane Simmons: Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead!
Tom Tucker: We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j...
Diane Simmons: Jimenez.
Tom Tucker: I know how to say it!
Smurf #1: Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf!
Smurf #2: You bet your smurf it was!
Smurf #1: Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me.
Smurf #1: Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Oh, yeah.
Smurf #1: That's freakin' smurf!
Smurf #2: You betcha.
Smurf #1: Freakin' smurf.
Brian Griffin: You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you've been wearing that giant cowboy hat for eight months now. Please for your family, take it off.
Peter Griffin: Hey! I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to.
[Everybody wants Peter to take the hat off]
Peter Griffin: Get away!
Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our lives
[Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.
Peter Griffin: [Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
[White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
Peter Griffin: [sometime later; answering the door] Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Craig T. Nelson: [Hands him a pistol] Make it quick.
Chris Griffin: Hey dad, you didn't tell us how we got our house back.
Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: Mom!
Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV.
Meg Griffin: I quit!
Man on TV: Hey! Hey! Get that
Man on TV: camera out of my face!
[smashes the glass of the camera]
Peter Griffin: [throwing his arms up in the air when Lois walks in the door]
Peter Griffin: I didn't have my hand down my pants!
Lois Griffin: Good for you.
Stewie Griffin: [Peter is upset, Stewie is trying to cheer him up] Hey...
[pats Peter's knee]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried!
Peter Griffin: 1 million dollars!
Lois Griffin: Brian, that sounded like Peter.
Peter Griffin: Money, money, money!
Lois Griffin: Hello?
Peter Griffin: Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office.
Lois Griffin: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.
Peter Griffin: Can you see me now?
Lois Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now I'm at the office.
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.
Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I do... ya bastard.
Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ...Can't it be both?
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
Diane Simmons: And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.
Tom Tucker: Really? 64?
Diane Simmons: Yes!
Tom Tucker: Now I thought she was dead.
Diane Simmons: Nope, she's alive.
Tom Tucker: Fantastic! And now this...
Tom Tucker: And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.
Peter Griffin: [while peeing into a urinal] Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry, I'll put it out.
Meg Griffin: Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin: Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]
Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg Griffin: Uh...
Big Bird: You called me, right?
Meg Griffin: Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.
Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird: I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,
Big Bird: bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin: We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
Brian Griffin: Give it time
Brian Griffin: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/
Stewie Griffin: How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
Brian Griffin: Oh, pee jokes.
Brian Griffin: Crazy travel conditions huh?
Stewie Griffin: First class and no class.
Brian Griffin: Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.
Brian Griffin: Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/
Stewie Griffin: Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!
Brian Griffin: We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/
Stewie Griffin: We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.
Brian Griffin: Yikes!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We're Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund.
Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin: Ouch!
[the eggs in Peter's beard have just hatched]
Peter Griffin: Aww, they look just like the kids.
[Pictures Chris's head on the first bird, Stewie's on the second, trys to remember third child, Meg, but can't, imagines Boba Fett's head on the last bird instead]
Peter Griffin: Sweeeeet.
Peter Griffin: I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose!
Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Peter Griffin: [laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian]
Death's Mother: Put on a jacket or you'll get frostbite.
Death: I don't have any skin.
Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
Peter Griffin: I didn't give those porn magazines to the kids. The truth is Lois. Lois, Lois, Lois, Ah! Oh, crap. The truth is I love my wife Lois very much. I gave those porn mags to my son. I wanted to teach him about treating women as objects. If anything I don't deserve your respect.
Trica Takanowa: Mr Griffin, does this mean that you're not only a bad husband and father but you're a bad school board president?
Reporter #2: Will you resign over this?
Peter Griffin: Yes, no and screw it, I resign.
Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie.
[cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: He gonna get it!
Tom Tucker: And now Channel 6 black man Ollie Williams with the weather. Ollie.
[cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: Issgon' rain!
Brian Griffin: [appalled by the students being stupid] Nobody can be this stupid, not even Peter when he took that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company!
Peter Griffin: [cutaway to Peter ending the kitchen dressed as 'Larry'] Jack, there's a hot-tub party across the street and we're invited!
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about?
Stewie Griffin: The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!
Stewie Griffin: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian Griffin: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!
[Peter and his friends have formed a rock band and are performing at a prison]
Peter Griffin: [shouting into microphone] Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter.
Quagmire: [clapping drum sticks together] One, two, three, *four*!
Peter Griffin: [small amount of time passes] Oh, my God. We don't know any songs.
[prisoners get mad]
Lois Griffin: What happens if Meg develops a coke habit?
Peter Griffin: [shouts] No Coke! Pepsi!
Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again.
Mr. Rogers: Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling.
Stewie Griffin: Actually it's your mortal enemy Stewie.
Mr. Rogers: W-what the?
Stewie Griffin: I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.
Mr. Rogers: What?
[Mr. Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire]
Cat: [meowing] Skin graft!
Mr. Rogers: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: That's right! All dead. And now Mr. Rogers ? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I'm going to kill you anyway!
Mr. Rogers: No, please... don't!
Stewie Griffin: How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate.
Mr. Rogers: No!
[Stewie shoots him many times with his gun]
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up] Eh, what, what? What the devil?
Lois Griffin: It's okay. Stewie we're just tucking you to sleep.
Mr. Rogers: But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up from nightmare] Ahh!
[the Jetsons parody]
Jane: Oh my God. George.
George: [after being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy.
George: [shouts] Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane: I'm sorry.
George: Oh, ?I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry?, I could've been killed.
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there I will come to your house and I will cut you.
[trying to get a Scout Merit Badge]
Chris Griffin: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything
Peter Griffin: Well, we almost got that one for insect study.
[cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter Griffin: Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs.
Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?
Peter Griffin: [cut to previous scene] A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!
Lois Griffin: [cut back to present scene] Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.
[while eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.
[Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
[looking at himself in a spoon]
Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you! Damn the broccoli! Damn the Wright Brothers!
[at a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...
[an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy: Daddy, what's that?
Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass.
Chris Griffin: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word. You have no right to use it.
Huck Griffin: Hey hey hey, I'm cool, I'm cool, no problem!
Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'?
Jim: Thank you.
Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"
Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?
[Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit]
Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed. And horses can't talk. No, no... nothing here adds up at all.
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] You. You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Stewie Griffin: And you... well, I just plain don't like you.
Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...
[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together]
Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what...
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.
[the Millennium Bug has just hit, causing planes to fall from the sky, nuclear bombs to detonate, etc]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?
Glen Quagmire: The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. All right.
Peter Griffin: [singing] Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our check book looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew.
Max Weinstein: Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew.
Max Weinstein: Hey!
Peter Griffin: Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
[showing his crotch to Peter]
Glen Quagmire: Does this look like a Q to you?
Peter Griffin: Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."
Diet Institute Worker: Sir, you can't park your van in here.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's my kid.
Diet Institute Worker: Oh sorry.
Diet Institute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid.
Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.
[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance.
Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What? You son of a...
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]
Peter Griffin: [clearing his throat] Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war.
Army Captain: [while trying to take over Peteoria] As you may presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks.
Peter Griffin: [as a swim coach] Great workout, Bobby!
Bobby: Up yours, sackbreath.
Peter Griffin: That's *Mister* Griffin.
Chris Griffin: All right, dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin: How does he know about the machine?
Peter Griffin: We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.
Meg Griffin: But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin: Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic.
[Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore]
Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
Peter Griffin: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano: Of all the cheap shots... Joel!
Joel: I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm suing, I'm suing.
[Charles Lindbugh has just accidentally flushed his baby down the toilet while potty training]
Charles Lindburgh: OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh: [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh: You leave her to me...
Stewie Griffin: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11.
Cleveland: Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "El Terrible".
[Peter has just been offered a directing job, and has a daydream where, as a Hollywood big-shot, he falls off the balcony of his clifftop mansion, loses his robe, and crashes naked through the roof of the house of a Mexican family]
Mexican Husband: øQuiÈn es esto?
[Who is this?]
Mexican Wife: ...l es la respuesta a mis oraciones.
[He is the answer to my prayers]
Mexican Husband: øPor quÈ?
Peter Griffin: I love Mexicans! I'll do it!
[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something!
Spectator #2: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Spectator #1: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
Bad Cockroach: Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that you... you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.
Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt isn't she?
Brian Griffin: I said runt.
Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go.
[Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy]
Stewie Griffin: Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE!
[he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard]
Stewie Griffin: BLAST!
Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Peter Griffin: If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
Peter Griffin: [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Stewie Griffin: [Brian is reading the newspaper] Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place.
Stewie Griffin: [Brian puts the paper down, Stewie's finger is in his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
[Stewie reads a card and discovers his name written inside as the sender]
Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock.
Peter Griffin: }: It's just like Special K. But what do they do with regular K? And for that matter, what happened to Kay Ballard? You know, if you said Mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like Ballard.
Brian Griffin: Do you ever listen to yourself talk?
Peter Griffin: I drift in and out.
Brian Griffin: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter Griffin: Eh, I drift in and out.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell?
Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
[Peter has plastic surgery]
Brian Griffin: Hey, pal, you just can't walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
Chris Griffin: God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.
[the family is planning a vacation]
Peter Griffin: We could always go to purgatory like we did last year.
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.
Brian Griffin: So so.
Peter Griffin: More or less.
Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE.
[at a rehab center]
Peter Griffin: YEAH. I'm also addicted to boobies.
Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.
Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned... No bail.
[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
[at Peter's imaginary version of Cheesy Charlie's]
Kid: I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Clerk: I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live.
[watching The Brady Bunch]
Dad: Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.
[Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]
Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her!
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
[during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.
Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.
Lois Griffin: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.
Brian Griffin: 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames.
Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
[Meg is trying to get the boy next door to notice her]
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around.
Meg Griffin: That's such a mom answer.
Lois Griffin: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer?
Meg Griffin: Creepy.
Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
[Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois Griffin: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD.
[runs off crying]
Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.
Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.
Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
Peter Griffin: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Meg Griffin: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter Griffin: Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?
Meg Griffin: Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!
Chris Griffin: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.
Peter Griffin: Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job.
Cleveland: You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.
Brian Griffin: I'm just a dog, Lois. A stupid dog.
[to the bartender]
Brian Griffin: Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it.
[watching a news report about Peter's old teacher who is getting his students to toss endagered condor eggs off the school roof]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.
Lois Griffin: Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Brian Griffin: The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris Griffin: Brown's the color of poo. AHHAHAHAHAHA.
Brian Griffin: Yes, it is.
Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond... James Bond. I'll do it.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
Stewie Griffin: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
Lois Griffin: Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?
Brian Griffin: Piss off.
Lois Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL.
Chris Griffin: Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts anymore?
Peter Griffin: I'd say "come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said "come."
Peter Griffin: Ha ha ha ha! You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular", dummy, the "s" is silent!
Lois Griffin: We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin: Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Uh, uh, I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.
Lee Majors: What? Women are things.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Um... Lee Majors said it.
Lee Majors: What? Women are things.
Pablo: Santa can't be Asian. He doesn't drive 20 miles an hour under the speed limit with his blinker on!
Luke Skywalker: Okay I'll just make a quick incision here and we'll be all done, Mrs. Wilson.
Ben Kenobi: Luke, use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Really? Because I was just gonna...
Ben Kenobi: Just use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Okay!
[Luke's lightsaber floats above Mrs. Wilson and stabs her right through the eye. She starts screaming]
Luke Skywalker: Are you happy?
Ben Kenobi: I've never been happy.
Meg Griffin: Can you please teach me how to drive?
Brian Griffin: Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin: Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest.
Roadrunner: Meep Meep.
[Peter's car runs over him]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: No.
Peter Griffin: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah. Keep going.
Meg Griffin: You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.
Chris Griffin: I'm not attracted to dad.
Meg Griffin: No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.
Chris Griffin: OH.
Meg Griffin: Yipes.
Peter Griffin: I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
Fred: It looks like the killer gutted his victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped to body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Fred: That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris Griffin: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
Peter Griffin: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Chris Griffin: Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
Lois Griffin: Oh, honey... maybe.
Stewie Griffin: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
Mr. Fargas: Today, we are going to dissect... a clown. Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy.
Peter Griffin: I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[cut to hell]
Satan: We've got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Assisstant: No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983 for half a mallomar.
Meg Griffin: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.
Chris Griffin: Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess?
Meg Griffin: Is it kitty?
Chris Griffin: Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
Peter Griffin: I'm going to jump off this building.
Cleveland: Could you repeat that, Peter. I believe I heard something crazy in my ear.
Glen Quagmire: Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?
Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Brian Griffin: Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Peter Griffin: There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space.
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry peadophile with you.
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
[on the phone]
Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing?
Chris Griffin: Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.
Peter Griffin: I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Glen Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.
Stewie Griffin: Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
Peter Griffin: What's Lois doing with Ross Fishman?
Glen Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's dialysis... as in my fantasy.
Glen Quagmire: You know what, let's start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me.
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
[Lois is upset about a cult that is worshipping Peter]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?
Lois Griffin: Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.
[upon finding out the local bar has been turned into a British pub]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. It's a gay bar.
Peter Griffin: [to youth cult] Hey guys, you want to come to my son's first birthday party?
[They all drink a toast to Peter's idea with a poison-laced punch, then all collapse simultaneously]
Peter Griffin: I guess that's just more people who would rather fake their own deaths than go to a party with you, Meg.
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.
[a grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door]
Peter Griffin: Wh-Who are you?
Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death.
Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.
Peter Griffin: They covered the house in micro-film of Teflon so you never have to clean.
[the family slips and falls to the floor]
Peter Griffin: I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it.
[Stewie skates by]
Stewie Griffin: I'm nudes on ice!
Chris Griffin: It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.
[Shamus has four wooden limbs]
Glen Quagmire: So, were you in an accident or something?
Shamus: No, me father was a tree.
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Peter Griffin: We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?
Brian Griffin: Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.
[turns on TV]
Lois Griffin: Brian what... Chris go to your room. Meg take Stewie upstairs.
Stewie Griffin: Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.
[Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem]
Brian Griffin: And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter Griffin: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a Riot.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]
Chris Griffin: Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not mention poo. Oh god! What have I done?
Lois Griffin: Peter, punish Chris.
Peter Griffin: Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.
[Chris begins spanking himself]
Chris Griffin: OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Lois Griffin: Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.
Meg, Chris: MOM!
Peter Griffin: OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.
Chris Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on.
Peter Griffin: OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
[Peter is talking in his sleep]
Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.
Quagmire: Hello there, cutie. How old are you?
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Quagmire: I like where this is going.
Brian: Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
Brian: Too soon?
Brian Griffin: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash Back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter Griffin: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes cock shotguns]
Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.
[set turns into disco]
UPS Woman: I've got a package for Glen Quagmire.
Quagmire: I'll be right back
[Closes door, then returns a moment later, naked]
Quagmire: And I've got a package for you too! Oh!
[she maces him]
Quagmire: Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.
Peter Griffin: And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.
Tom Tucker: I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.
Cleveland: Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh".
Quagmire: Really? I could've sworn... just to be on the safe side, "OH."
Brian: You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man.
Quagmire: You mean THREE Filipino women.
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.
Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter Griffin: If by "read", you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.
Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
Judge: Mr. Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you never not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you have to say for yourself?
Peter Griffin: Babba booey, babba booey, Howard Stern's penis, Babba booey, babba booey.
Meg Griffin: I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.
Chris Griffin: [shouts] Don't censor me!
[Family is trying to hide from mobsters]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know, drive-by... arguments...
[Meanwhile, in England]
Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay it is.
Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
[They drive up]
Englishman: Oh Reginald... I disagree.
Stewie Griffin: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.
[to Stewie, at Christmastime]
Chris Griffin: Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.
[a social worker is trying to take Stewie away because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit]
Lois Griffin: How dare you say that. This is a wonderful home for a child to live.
[a gunshot is heard from the roof]
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near my fence again and that'll be your head.
[a parody of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]
Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation.
[Joe Swanson is in a fight with the Grinch]
Grinch: You think you have won, you think all is well. Well kiss my green ass, I'll see you in hell.
[on buying a coffin... ]
Peter Griffin: I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60.
Coffin Salesman: Sir that casket costs $1000.
Peter Griffin: 70 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: Huh?
Peter Griffin: 2000 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: That's twice what it costs.
Peter Griffin: [pauses] 40 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: What?
Brian: He... he doesn't know how to haggle.
Englishman #1: I say, you know what's really funny? A man dressed in women's clothing.
Englishman #2: Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh.
Lois Griffin: So how was your day?
Brian Griffin: My day? Un-freakin' believable. First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll, her doll for god's sake. Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mudpuddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your crack driveway, staring back at you, mocking at you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!
Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?
Chris Griffin: Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter Griffin: Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.
Stewie Griffin: [singing and pointing to rifle and crotch alternately] This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!
Stewie Griffin: [thinks] How wonderful it will be to have mother back!
Brian Griffin: [thinks] I heard that.
Stewie Griffin: [thinks] Damn!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper.
Peter Griffin: Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM! Herpes.
[Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers]
Peter Griffin: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!
[Stewie is resting while Brian is licking his crotch]
Stewie Griffin: Urgh, what the hell do you think you are doing?
Brian Griffin: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie Griffin: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation!
Meg: I cant believe my stupid parents are going to spend five stupid days following stupid Kiss on tour. That's painful.
Peter Griffin: Not as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Peter Griffin: Nothing.
Stewie Griffin: Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.
Stewie Griffin: OK, Rupert, what do you think of our Mad Lib?
Stewie Griffin: [reading] Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumpkin into a big 'fanny', and sent her off to the 'poop'.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.
Peter Griffin: Could you sign this book please.
Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins hungry!
[swallows Peter whole]
Chris Griffin: Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois Griffin: Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".
Glen Quagmire: [to feminist woman] The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable.
Glen Quagmire: [to woman who likes strong men] I can bench press 800 pounds.
Glen Quagmire: [to woman who loves jazz music] You, me and Coltrane till dawn, baby. Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy, giggedy!
Brian Griffin: My therapist thinks I'm in love.
Peter Griffin: Holy Crap! You can talk!
Peter Griffin: What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for Lois.
Stewie Griffin: She packed my bags. Last night preflight. Zero hour 9am
Stewie Griffin: and I'm gonna be... high... as a kite by then.
[transparent Stewie clone #1]
Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man. Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone!
[Transparent stewie clone #2 bow tie undone]
Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me down again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no! I'm a rock it man. Rocket man! burnin out his fuse out here. Alone!
Peter Griffin: Looks out curtain at Lois, who's sitting in the front row Look who came crawling back.
Joe Swanson: [Joe is crawling on the stage towards Peter] Peter! Have you seen my wheelchair?
[they are eating Trisha]
Tom Tucker: Mmm. Diane can I cook or what?
Diane Simmons: I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks
[they both laugh]
Brian Griffin: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa!
Peter Griffin: That's insane! They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
Peter Griffin: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Ahh
Lois Griffin: That was just a loud yelping noise
Peter Griffin: They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
Lois Griffin: Why don't you take Joe caroling?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that'd be as fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: What?
[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie Griffin: Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the bar has been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, no-good, tea-sucking British bastards.
[Peter and Chris are dressed in grass skirts]
Peter Griffin: [slapping Chris] No, no, no. It's "step, pivot, step, pause". Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano god?
[Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend]
Peter Griffin: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
Cleveland: That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh... yeah, that's it... that's the spot."
["Hollywood Squares" parody]
Contestant: I'll take the dying boy to block.
Tom Bergeron: Ok, Jeremy... is there anything lower than absolute zero?
Jeremy: Uhh, yeah... my white cell count.
Chris: I haven't been this confused since the ending of "No Way Out".
[Flashback to Chris & Brian coming out of a theater that's showing "No Way Out"]
Chris: How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?
[the Griffins watch "Happy Days"]
Richie: Mom, uh, I really like Potsy.
Mrs. Cunningham: Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him?
Richie: No, I mean... I *really* like Potsy.
Mr. Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
Toy Designer: I've just finished the new line of G.I. Jew toys.
[he pushes a button on the G.I. Jew action figure]
G.I. Jew: You call these bagels?
Toy Designer: Whoa, I'm glad he's on our side.
Peter Griffin: You all know how observant I am.
TV Announcer: And now back to Star Trek.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. Uhura's black?
Brian: Hey, if every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married.
Brian Griffin: Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family.
Peter Griffin: No, the rest were FROM the family... weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian Griffin: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter Griffin: Why wasn't I told?
Brian Griffin: They sent you a card, but it said 'For Peter' on it, so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.
[on being the First Lady of "Petoria"]
Lois Griffin: I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.