Osmosis Jones (2001)
Osmosis: We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor.
Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
Drix: OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
Osmosis: Next time, I'll be the bad cop.
Drix: You ARE a bad cop!
Osmosis: Yo, who you calling a bad cop?
Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Osmosis: What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!
Leah: Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
Osmosis: Whoa! Who turned off the heat? Somebody pay the bill? It's cold in here.
[Osmosis and Drix arrive at the zit]
Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does this happen?
Osmosis: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how!
Thrax: This here little DNA bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California, didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one, nice lady in Detroit, Mowtown - six days flat. And there's this old guy in Philly - I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record - until my man Frank that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books!
Drix: Where did you study?
Osmosis: Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.
Osmosis: I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.
Osmosis: No, it was IN the crack. Right in the stanky, puckered center.
Latino germ: La Muerte, man! Esta aqui! He's gonna kill us dead, hombre!
Osmosis: No, no. Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.
Drix: Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine... Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.
Osmosis: Wow! I'm feeling better already.
Osmosis: Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yup, there's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came over on the umbilical cord.
Leah: Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesin' for a little more Osmosis.
Drix: I'd like to examine your irritated areas.
Osmosis: Wooh, never on the first date, Drips!
Drix: That's Drix.
Osmosis: That's what I said.
Drix: No, I believe you said Drips, with a P.
Thrax: Whew... this cat was sick before I even got here!
Frank: Hey, partner, what you got there?
Oyster Boy: Oh, these? These are polluted oysters. Well, they WERE polluted. I replanted them in six weeks ago. That's how long the state says you gotta do it for. And every time the tide came in, it flushed all the bad stuff out.
Frank: Can you eat 'em?
Oyster Boy: Well, if my hypotenuse is correct...
Oyster Boy: sure. Y-y-yeah, definitely.
The Boss: Did the foot fungus pay up yet?
Thug: Nah, that guy's gettin' flaky on us.
Osmosis: So, where you from, tough stuff?
Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.
Osmosis: Great, got me a college boy...
[after Thrax escaped from Frank's memories]
Thrax: This guy sure was sick before I came here.
Anchorman: Things are looking grim, as temperatures rise to dangerous levels! We have lost contact with the lower extremities! NNN will stay on the air as long as possible!
Anchorwoman: In other news, house appliances that can improve your golf swing.
Anchorman: You... you silly twit, don't you get it! We are going to die!
Anchorwoman: I knew it, Dan! At the sight of the first dark cloud, you fall apart!
Drix: Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!
Osmosis: Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing now!
Thrax: You know what, Jones? You want this chain so bad, Big Daddy Thrax is gonna let you have it!
[Thrax starts strangling Osmosis Jones with chain]
Thrax: Looks good on you, Jones! You wear it well! Too bad you had to come this far from home just to die!
Shane: Don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?
Frank: I think about you all the time.
Shane: Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?
Frank: Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!
Osmosis: Yo, where do you think you're going?
Drix: To get our cootie.
Osmosis: Looking like that? They'll tear you apart. You gotta get spiffy.
[Osmosis rearranges himself to look like a germ]
Osmosis: Check it out!
Drix: Hmm. Flexible cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defense mechanism. Ooh, let me try!
[Drix tries, only succedes in mangling his face]
Drix: What do you think?
Osmosis: I think you should guard the car.
Thrax: What is that nasty smell?
Drix: Cherry. Wild cherry. Now let her go.
Thrax: Why? So you can ice me again?
Osmosis: No, so I can!
Osmosis: Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey, white saccus membranous 'round my personhood?... Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! I should be out in the veins, fighting disease, not in the mouth on tartar control.
Reporter: What do you have to say to all the hair follicles recently laid off form the scalp?
Mayor Phlegming: There will be plenty of new jobs for everyone on the back.
Osmosis: Yo, you didn't see this thing. This ain't no ordinary household germ. This thing's bigger than all of us; it's big even for Frank's body! It's like a
Osmosis: Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ!
Cop: You talkin' about this?
[holds a short, dumpy germ; all laugh]
Osmosis: Yeah, uh... y'know, he's slouching right now.
Osmosis: You up spit creek without a paddle. Don't make me mad, 'cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.
The Boss: Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done, It'll take a Swedish facialist six steaming washcloths to get you out.
Thrax: Sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.
Chill: Hey, I was injected into this body to rat on influenza only, and this don't sound like influenza to me. Now beat it.
Osmosis: I'm sure Johnny Streptacoccus and the Melanoma Brothers would be very interested to know about your flu shot work.
Chill: You can't jack me on that, brother. I'm on the Virus Protection Program.
Frank: Was that you?
Frank: Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
Frank: [after almost dying, but returning to life; to Shane] Your momma says "hi".
Bob: Hey muscles! You don't look so good.
Frank: I feel a little fluey.
Bob: You know what they say; starve a cold, drown the flu. Your body needs fluids now, lots of 'em.
Frank: Is beer fluid?
Bob: Of course it's fluid. What about all that wet stuff in it?
Frank: I thought that was the beer.
Osmosis: [referring to incoming Drixenol Pill] Don't Be surprised that 99% of that pill is just sugar, you know.
Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid
Osmosis: Oo like I never heard that one before
Dream Enthusiast: Excuse me sir, would you like to see a free screening? We've got a live theater broadcasting dreams all the way from the subconscious in the brain.
Frank: 99 kinds of wings! 128 different dipping sauces! You love math, crunch the numbers on that - and tell me the possibilities aren't INFINITE!
Mayor Phlegming: Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm.
Drix: 'For the temporary relief of symptoms associated with... '
Mayor Phlegming: Exactly! Temporary. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, a generic brand. Marked-down, over-the-counter, useless Tic-Tac!
[the cold pill arrives in the stomach]
Leah: Wow, this is huge.
Osmosis: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar you know.
Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.
Osmosis: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before.
Mayor Phlegming: Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise," "low-fat," and "diet" - words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.
Frank: Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow. Your mother - God bless her soul - didn't believe the old-fashioned ideas about nursing and breast-feeding and all that. Uh-uh. You were fed cheeseburgers as a baby, and look at you. You're as big as a house, you're as strong as a bull, you smell like a cow. Your cholesterol's probably a little high, but they have medicince for that now; you can get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out.
Thrax: Who are you?
Osmosis: Who am I? Who am I? Ah, Bad Booty-shaking Pickanosis, yeah! That's who I am!
Thrax: Never heard of ya!
Osmosis: That's 'cause you just got here! You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shaking Pickanosis stands avove all the rest!
Librarian: Brain Memory Library. Can I help you?
Osmosis: You got any information about something called "El Morry Roho"?
Librarian: Stand by. I'll check, but we're really all about sports statistics here.
Osmosis: [looking at a centerfold in DNA Monthly] Nice genes. You got the chromosomes in all the right places.
Police Chief: Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape? You know we've got that big insurance exam next month.
Osmosis: I don't know. You'll have to talk to my new parter... if he feels like hanging around for a while.
Drix: But my work visa has expired.
Osmosis: Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.
Thrax: Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl.
Osmosis: She ain't goin' down. You are!
Osmosis: Man, what you been eatin'?
Drix: That's my effervescent propulsion.
Osmosis: A'ight. But we're drivin' with the windows open. I don't want none of those fruitybubbles stinking up my ride. You got that?
Mayor Phlegming: You keep those ideas inside that mushy little head of yours, or you'll find yourself in our next nosebleed.
Leah: Mayor, something freaky is going on with the weather.
Mayor Phlegming: We're probably just drinking some hot coffee.
Leah: Sir, look at the maps. What if Jones is right?
Mayor Phlegming: Jones? Ha ha ha! Funny, funny.
Leah: You care more about your re-election than you care about all our lives. Something is going on, and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out.
Mayor Phlegming: Hypowhothewhatisit? Leah, wait! Who's gonna answer the phones?
[Drix is at the bladder, about to board the next barge out]
Osmosis: Drix! Yo, Drix! Get your time-released butt off this boat. Thrax is alive! Let's go!
Drix: I'm sorry, Osmosis, I can't help you.
Osmosis: Excuse me?
Drix: I wasn't designed to combat a virus. Read my label.
Osmosis: You gotta learn to think outside the pill box, man. I've known sugar pills who cured cancer, just because they believed they could.
Drix: Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me. I'm cherry flavored.
Conductor: Hey, pal. You on or off?
Osmosis: Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.
Conductor: The zipper's down. All ashore who's going ashore.
[Osmosis is at the theater watching one of Frank's dreams when the screen appears to burn up]
Osmosis: Thrax is alive! Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!
Cell: Oh, sure, pal! Spoil the ending.
Bob: Listen. Why don't you sit her down and tell her that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her. Okay? I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her, and then when she's sixteen, I'll boot her out the door.
Bob: Well, yeah. I not going to mommy her forever, okay? I mean, sixteen, sure.